• Published 4th Jan 2016
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Principal Celestia Hunts the Undead - Rune Soldier Dan



The faculty of Canterlot High battles otherworldly horrors with style

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Teen Drama Still Sucks for Everyone Involved

October thirty-first.

Luna’s warning had been clear. “Pack your gun, Sunset. We always get at least one vampire at the school who thinks it’s clever to do his big reveal on Halloween.”

While she followed the advice, Sunset hadn’t been too worried. It didn’t seem likely that any major trouble would start with the faculty on high alert. If anything, her greater concern was for the students in vampire costumes – probably twice as many as last year. Trixie and Moonlight Raven were no big surprise, but seeing Flash Sentry in a full Dracula outfit nearly floored her.

Compounding the surprise, he strode down the hallway hand-in-hand with Trixie. Sunset walked quickly past them, sternly informing herself she wasn’t bitter Mister “I Want a Normal Girl” went for Trixie of all people.

Her own costume was both simpler and cleverer: A purple blazer, blonde wig, and clipped demeanor in imitation of Miss Harshwhinny. Rarity had worked her costume magic, transforming the Rainbooms into parodies of their teachers. Risky, but there was a certain giddiness in pushing the line.

They tried to imitate their parts too, but that proved a bit irregular. Sunset cut the act throughout Harshwhinny’s history class – she wanted to push the line, not hang herself with it. Even around the students she shied from going overboard, and by the time lunch rolled around she abandoned the performance entirely.

When Sunset shared the fact, Rainbow – with red suspenders and Cranky-esque wig – nodded. “Yeah, I’ve stopped the acting, too. I don’t want to actually get in trouble for this.”

Sunset glanced around the table, seeing no objection to the shift. Fluttershy looked downright awkward in her padded pinstripe suit. Her few efforts to imitate Iron Will that morning had been so forced he spent gym class coaching her how to do it right. Meanwhile, Rarity and Twilight hardly had to act at all in their Celestia and Luna outfits, and Pinkie never even tried to match Cheerilee’s weary boredom. Applejack…

Sunset blinked, realizing they were minus-one. “Where’s Applejack?”

Most of the Rainbooms looked up, their confused expressions mirroring her own. Pinkie alone grinned and pointed. “Over there! Aren’t they cute?”

Sunset turned, her eyes following the finger to the massive windows on the cafeteria wall. Their narrow sills offered seats to adventurous students, and there perched Applejack. The brown jacket that marked her as Professor Whooves had been discarded, leaving her with a white dress shirt pressed close into the girl next to her. Sunset could see the gleam of Applejack’s teeth as she grinned goofily, one hand resting on the far, yellow-skinned hip of her partner.

Her hand twitched on the hip. In response, Adagio Dazzle tilted her head up and kissed Applejack beneath the chin.

At the Rainboom’s table, six mouths gave a quiet, synchronized, “Huh.”

Fluttershy scratched the cuff of her suit. “That’s nice.”

“Nice.” Sunset’s echo carried a dubious tone, her gaze fixed on the yellow siren.

Rarity shrugged, returning her attention to a pocket mirror. “I think it’s lovely. ‘Beauty and the Beast,’ as it were.”

She huffed suddenly and snapped the mirror closed. “Before you try to be funny, Rainbow Dash, Applejack is definitely the beauty in that equation. You can put lipstick on a shark, but it’s still a shark.”

“I ain’t laughing,” Rainbow muttered. She traded a dark glance with Sunset, making her suspicion clear.

“Awww… love conquers all!” Pinkie cheered. “If anyone can melt the heart of a meanie-pants siren, it’s good ol’ AJ.”

The gossip moved on from there. Sunset listened with half an ear as Twilight began chatting up the vampire role-playing game she was starting. She kept stealing glances to the window, once catching Applejack’s eyes. The farm girl chuckled and shrugged, reddening as Adagio nuzzled her neck.

“No way she’s for real.”

Sunset broke the gaze at Rainbow’s low growl. The large orange wig shadowed her eyes, lending a sense of conspiracy to the words. “You’re the expert. Is AJ hypnotized?”

“I don’t think so,” Sunset said quietly. “It’s a Catch-22. The Elements of Harmony sealed the sirens’ magic, including their ability to control minds. It would take all of our permission to dispel, and I don’t know about you, but nothing short of mind control would make me do it.”

Rainbow’s frown only deepened. “Yeah, but this is Applejack we’re talking about. She’s smarter than this.”

Sunset shook her head and began ticking off on her fingers. “Rarity and Blueblood. Flash and me. Pinkie’s weird crush on Whooves. You and Thunderlane. We’re teenagers, Rainbow, we’re dumb at love.”

Rainbow grunted. “Thunderlane was a… never mind. Point made, but are you a hundred percent sure it’s just that?”

A few seconds passed. Then, “No.”

“No?”

“You were there for the big spiders. This world has magic of its own, which means it’s not impossible Adagio figured something out. I don’t think it’s likely, but there’s a chance.”

Rainbow cast a hooded glance to the others. “Chance enough for us to do something?”

The Sunset of last month would have said no. She would have chastised herself for not trusting the defeated sirens to mend their ways, or for Applejack to make the right choices.

The Sunset of last month hadn’t killed a vampire, or negotiated with changelings.

Today, Sunset nodded. “I’ll talk to Adagio in that hallway with the bad lighting. You hide behind the stair door and listen in. If she does anything to me, get the magic book and tell Pony Twilight.”

Rainbow returned the nod, and with a last conspiratorial glance they reentered the table talk. Pinkie was excitedly telling Twilight about the big Halloween party tonight at the gym.

“And it’s so cool, they always get this gag vampire to show up! The lights flicker, and he flaps his cape and acts all scary, and then Iron Will ‘saves us’ by cutting off the head! Last year the ketchup from the stump got all over Rarity, and hoo-boy she screamed!”

Twilight Sparkle opened her mouth, glanced to Sunset… and slowly closed it.


Catching Adagio alone was easy. The siren had chosen her locker specifically within the half-dark hallway, apparently prizing the seclusion.

Sunset’s Harshwhinny-stiletto heels echoed noisily as she approached. The usual after-school sounds were absent today – the student body had fled, looking to pound down their homework before the party.

Adagio’s voice rounded the corner in front of Sunset. “…Of course I’m not going. We have to see all these idiots forty hours a week, why would I want to see them more? Tell Sonata she’s got to find her own ride.”

Sunset turned, drawing into sight as Adagio grumbled on her cell phone. The siren gave an irate glance, then a second one as Sunset leaned against a locker.

With an exaggerated eye-roll, Adagio took the hint. “Why don’t you drive her? You don’t… okay, look Aria, I got to hang up. There’s a fetid rodent here who wants to talk to me. She’s probably just going to waste my time because she’s a half-bit prostitute hobo with an Electra complex and a dictionary of Saturday morning cartoon catchphrases. But she’ll bitch and moan if I don’t say hi, so yeah. See yah.”

She tapped on her phone, pocketed it, and turned to Sunset with a shining grin. “Sunset! Looking good, babe. Whasup?”

Sunset’s hands clenched inside her pockets, but her gaze remained nonplussed. “We need to talk. It’s about Applejack.”

“Jealous?” Adagio threw back her curls and smirked. “Sorry, but I’m not into generic protagonists.”

Sunset briefly entertained the vision of decking the siren before going on. “What are you planning?”

A mocking, bitter laugh barked from Adagio’s throat. “Oh, this is rich. Yes, Sunset, this is all part of my grand scheme to divide the Rainbooms and wreck their friendship frickin’ eight months too late. And I used my magical singing to do it, because that’s totally a power I still have.”

“I don’t buy it.” Sunset crossed her arms. “Applejack knows what you tried to do. Why would she trust you with something as important as her heart?”

Adagio pinched the bridge of her nose, shaking her head dramatically as she answered. “I showed her booty, you idiot. I did it just to freak her out, but the next thing I know she’s stammering worse than you in history class and offering me an apple like it’s supposed to mean something.”

“It probably does,” Sunset said. “Her family takes a lot of pride in their apples. In picking one specifically for you, she was giving you the literal fruit of her labor. It’s the intention behind a gift that makes it special, not the price tag.”

“Yeah, whatever, look.” Adagio slipped the phone back out of her pocket and held it up like a trophy. “That was lame, but see this? A Universe Q-5. Bet you don’t have one yet.”

“She bought you a phone?” The words came out a little strangled as Sunset’s body went tense.

“After I sang a little ditty about bullies breaking my old one, yeah.” Adagio pocketed it. “I picked out a watch, too. Let me tell you, that girl’s parents give her one heck of an allowance.”

“Her parents are dead,” Sunset growled. “You didn’t even…?”

Adagio shrugged. “One heck of an inheritance, then. Are we done?”

“No we are not!” Sunset snapped, consciously ramming her fists back in her pockets. “All you’re doing is using her!”

Adagio arched an eyebrow, smirking. “Like what you did with Slash?”

Last month, the rebuttal would have sent Sunset reeling. Today, she didn’t blink. “It’s Flash, and no, it’s not like that. I liked him, I like liked him. Do you like Applejack?”

“Do I like the girl who is one-seventh responsible for ruining my chance at a great Equestrian Comeback Tour? Who smells like horse, yaps about guns, wears the same clothes every day, and picks her nose and flicks out the snot?” Adagio rolled her eyes. “Let me think. No. No, this isn’t a stupid revenge scheme, no, I’m not mind controlling anyone, and yes, I’m ditching her as soon as I get bored. Now are we done?”

Sunset had silently held her breath throughout the rant. She let it out slowly, and ended the sigh with a pleasant smile. “Just one more thing. You like jewelry, right? What do you think of my ring?”

She proffered her right hand, showing off the iron band around the finger. Adagio leaned over it and shrugged again. “I dunno. I guess it kind of goes with your ‘biker babe’ loo–”

Sunset’s other hand socked into the siren’s stomach. Adagio sprayed spit, doubling over. Sunset snatched for her collar, but Adagio recovered in an instant and dodged out of reach.

She leered at Sunset’s confused blink. “Surprised, Sunshit? I may have lost my magic, but I’ve still got enough siren agility to wipe the walls with you in a fair fight.”

The smile turned to a yelp as cyan arms wrapped around her chest. Rainbow grinned with fury, wrestling her off-balance. “Then this won’t be fair. Kick her ass, Sunset!”


Several minutes later, a bruised Adagio sulked in her corner of the detention hall. “Not fair. They started it.”

Sporting their own bruises and nail-scratches, Rainbow and Sunset sat in the opposite corner, all three suffering quietly under Harshwhinny’s glare.

“Seriously!” Adagio half-rose from her seat, stopping as the ice-blue eyes aimed her way. “They attacked me!”

“All I saw was three students fighting,” Harshwhinny intoned. “I can only punish what I see.”

Curls billowed as Adagio slammed her palms on the desk. “Like I would pick a two-on-one fight. Come on, what does your teacher-sense tell you?”

“Don’t ask me to follow my instincts, Miss Dazzle. It won’t end in your favor.”

Sunset swore she saw a ghost of a smile on Harshwhinny’s face. Adagio sighed loudly, slumping in her seat. “Great. The supposedly fair, unbiased teachers are judging me.”

“Nobody likes a whiner, Miss Dazzle.”

Adagio groaned like a sick cat, settling her head on the desk. Beneath their own, Sunset and Rainbow quietly bumped fists.

Harshwhinny whipped her glare to them, perhaps sensing their good mood. “As for you two, I would say I am disappointed, but that would imply a degree of expectation. I am contacting your parents and informing them of the incident.”

Sunset raised her hand. “I don’t have any parents.”

Rainbow gave a dry cough and looked away. Harshwhinny just pulled out her phone. “That is a fiction I see no reason to indulge. I fully expect Miss Celestia will take this with the seriousness it deserves.”

The two Rainbooms exchanged glances as Harshwhinny turned to make the call. Sunset whispered, “Sorry for getting you into this.”

“You kidding?” Rainbow grinned. “I wouldn’t have done anything different. Besides, my dad’s super cool about this kind of stuff.”

Sunset smiled back. “Yeah. I bet Celestia is, too.”


“Not fair.”

At Sunset’s words, Luna glanced over from the computer. The yellow teen had her bed folded out, and sulked with the covers over her head.

“Is that what Adagio said?” Luna asked with a humored tone.

“Not funny,” Sunset growled. “All she gets is a lecture from her social worker. I get punished for doing the right thing.”

Luna took her eyes back to the screen. “Sunset, attacking another student isn’t the right thing. You’re lucky you weren’t suspended.”

“And she’s lucky Harshwhinny showed up when she did.” Two yellow hands poked from the comforter and gripped the pillow. “Seriously, Celestia didn’t even listen when I said what happened to AJ. She was just ‘young girl’ this, and ‘school rules’ that, and she takes my freaking phone away.”

Luna arched an eyebrow, once more glancing to the teenage lump on the bed. “I saw you texting in there.”

“She’s in the shower now.” Sunset’s voice rolled out. “Don’t be a tattletale.”

“No problem.” With her solidarity confirmed, Luna pressed on. “Does Applejack know?”

“Yeah. Rainbow recorded our little chat and played it back for her.”

“Rough.”

“Tell me about it.” Sunset’s indignant tone softened to one of sympathy. “The girls all skipped the party to hang with her. They’re watching Tim Burton movies, chatting, spooking each other… good way to move past it.”

She paused, then went on loudly. “I should be there offering my own support, but someone thinks vigilante justice is only okay when she’s the one doing it!”

In the bathroom, the shower squeaked off and a shout replied. “That someone is a monster hunter, not a vigilante!”

Sunset’s head shot up from the covers as she shouted back. “Well Adagio is a monster!”

“Careful,” Luna said lowly.

She was ignored, as usual. Luna rolled her eyes and turned back to the game.

Plastic rustled as the shower curtain whipped to the side, with Celestia’s voice sounding out over it. “No, she’s a student!”

“She’s a social vampire!”

A dripping, robe-clad Celestia appeared in the doorway, matching Sunset’s narrowed glare. “She was wrong, but you were not right. You should have just warned Applejack.”

“And let Adagio get away with it?” Sunset snorted. “That might be your M.O., but not mine. She deserved what happened, and a hell of a lot more.”

Luna winced as things approached tailspin. Her sister had a slow-boiling anger, but she could explode like anyone else when the right buttons were pressed.

Sure enough, Celestia breathed in with a wet hiss, fists clenched and trembling as she loomed high. “Sunset Shimmer, should you be punished for all the evil you’ve worked? Two and a half years of spite, malice and greed, what do you deserve?”

“Oh, great,” Sunset snapped. “You were the one person who wouldn’t hold that against me. Thanks.”

Luna closed her eyes, contemplating putting on headphones. They were punching each other’s sore spots, each blow only adding to the anger.

“I don’t hold it against you, Sunset. But you did the wrong thing back there.”

“No, no.” Sunset waved her off airily. “You’re right. I’m being a hypocrite. I learn from the best.”

The two each inhaled sharply and kept inhaling, half-daring the other to make the next move. Luna braced in her chair, watching and mentally pleading for a truce.

“Stop,” she said, very softly.

Maybe they heard her. Both moved at once – Celestia spun on her heel and ran to the bedroom, while Sunset seized her pillow and pressed it to her face. A muffled, wordless scream came out through the padding, echoed a heartbeat later by the same from down the hall.

The overfilled lungs expended themselves over the course of long seconds, taking at least some of the tension out with them. Luna watched as Sunset deflated, raised the pillow from her head, and slapped it back on top.

A few minutes passed, in which Sunset released every breath as a dramatic sigh. Then a few more, with her just laying limply in the bed.

Finally, the pillow rustled and Sunset peeked out with a soft question. “Miss Luna? What do you think?”

Unlike Celestia, Luna didn’t believe in coddling. “Do you really want to know?”

The brisk tone made Sunset hesitate, but then she nodded. Luna shifted in her chair and looked to the clock. Ten at night – way too late for this. She rubbed her eyes, glanced to and fro, and finally nodded. “I think Adagio deserved it.”

Sunset smiled weakly, but then Luna finished. “And I think Tia was right to punish you.”

“That’s weird.”

“Welcome to Earth. Dealing out revenge might feel good, but it doesn’t solve much.”

“Yeah.” Sunset put the pillow behind her and turned, rolling back into the blanket. “Guess that’s my friendship lesson for the day.”

“Huh?”

“Nothing.” Sunset breathed a sigh. “Think Miss Celestia will forgive me?”

Luna gave a single, soft laugh. “Give it ten minutes.”


Celestia must have been downright pissed. Twelve minutes passed before the bedroom door opened, and slippered feet padded quietly to the sofa.

With the shades drawn, the only light came from Luna’s screen. She watched from the background as Celestia leaned over the mess of blankets and touched a shoulder. “Sunset? Are you awake?”

The pile shifted enough for a hand to poke out. “Yeah.”

Both of them spoke quietly. Celestia sat down on the bed, fidgeting with a pajama button. “I’m sorry.”

“Me too.” Sunset said. “I got mean. I’m sorry.”

Celestia reached down and squeezed the yellow hand. The hand squeezed back. They remained there for a moment until Celestia raised it to her lips, gave a soundless kiss, and settled it back on the bed.

She departed without another word. A moment later, Luna rose to follow.

Author's Note:

-With Warhammer: Total War out last week, finishing this by Sunday was an act of will.:derpyderp2:

-Alternate title: "Sunset Shimmer Hunts Social Vampires, Too."


-Now before we start the judging, everyone remember: Applejack is a hormone-filled teenager, Sunset is a hormone-filled teenager with a paladin mentality, Celestia has zero experience dealing with children outside of school, and Luna is a touch on the socially-withdrawn side of life. They're all flawed people, muddling their way from one mistake to the next. Be gentle.:twilightsheepish:

-Speaking of Luna, she gets the next chapter title. :moustache: All by herself. Nobody else.


-Adagio is based on a true story.:twilightangry2:

-Of course AJ is gonna find a special someperson. Just got to figure out something sufficiently unusual, because that's how I roll.

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