Good Guys, Bad Guys, and Explosions
Midnight, in front of the Canterlot plant of Queen Chrysalis Tobacco. Three cars pulled up to the parking lot before the gate: a purple sedan, a blue SUV, and a worn green military jeep.
In the first, Nagatha Harshwhinny shot a glare at her passenger. “I can’t believe they made me be your chauffeur.”
Clay-skinned, mud-haired Professor Whooves gave a tenor laugh. “Sorry. Funny story about my car, see, there was this–”
“I didn’t ask,” Harshwhinny cut him off. She gave her revolver a once-over inspection and slapped in the cylinder. “Did you remember your bullets this time?”
“Yes!” Whooves put his hands in his pockets and beamed. “I wrote a note for myself. I, ah, lost the note, but I remembered the bullets.”
“Did you remember your gun?”
Whooves blinked. The smile vanished. “Oh, dear.”
“Just wait here,” Harshwhinny snapped. She stepped outside, half-cocking the revolver.
“Wait!” Whooves called. “Before you go, I just wanted to ask… do you think a guy like me and a girl like Celestia could–”
“No.”
With that, Harshwhinny slammed the door shut.
In the SUV, a different clash was underway.
“God, I’m embarrassed just to be sitting next to you.” Luna checked her weapons, studiously ignoring the woman in the driver’s seat. It was Cheerilee, but a Cheerilee their students had never seen. Gone was the blouse and green-plaid dress, replaced with what Luna could only describe as a cheerleader-themed swimsuit: blue bikini top, ultra-short skirt, and a shotgun that seemed entirely too large for her.
One of the perils of the job – learning things about the teachers Luna would rather not have known. Hell, she didn’t even know what Cheerilee’s deal was. When the guns came out, the quiet, worn-out woman became the weirdest of them all.
“What happened to your Sailor Senshi outfit?” Luna grumbled. “At least then you didn’t look like a stripper.”
Cheerilee gave her the smile Luna hated. The condescending dismissal half the staff gave to ‘Celestia’s kid sister.’
“Hey, I have great flexibility in this. Feels good to get out of the tent-skirt, you know? Be the sexy action hero instead of the boring teacher.”
“Celestia will wring your neck if a student sees us.”
“I got Celestia’s permission.” Cheerilee stuck out her tongue. “She said she wants us to have fun and be ourselves while we hunt. It’s alright with her so long as I don’t wear it during the day.”
“Dress code enforcement is my job,” Luna grumbled. She slapped the clip into her machine pistol, giving poor distraction as Cheerilee chuckled.
“That’s for the students, Kiddo.”
Luna blinked. “‘Kiddo?’ I’m seven years older than you.”
“But I cook my own meals,” Cheerilee noted with a defiant smirk. “Now come on, it’s show time.”
She stepped out. Luna’s glare lingered for a moment before the blue woman followed suit.
Celestia got out of the jeep. She closed her eyes, took a soft breath in through the nose. This was the calm before the storm. The last moment to find her inner peace, before–
A short, sharp explosion broke through the night, causing her heart to skip a beat. Eyes still closed… her eyebrow twitched.
She tried to keep the annoyance out of her voice. “Redheart, I said ‘subtle.’”
“That was subtle.”
Celestia opened her eyes to find the white woman looking back with that damned, deceptively meek smile. “Just a stick or two to break the lock. Nothing major.”
Cranky Doodle, their driver, adjusted the helmet on his head and unslung his assault rifle. “Let’s move, then. Don’t want to give the Commies time to prepare.”
“They’re changelings, Cranky,” Celestia gently corrected.
Cranky shrugged. “A hive mind of infiltrators bent on the enslavement of humanity. You say potato, I say potahto.”
“Nobody says ‘potahto,’” Luna grumbled as the band came together in front of the ruined gate.
It encouraged Celestia, seeing them all together. Even down a couple of hands, they had faced worse. And they would face worse again, after they all went home tonight. Even Luna seemed to be in a better mood, smiling back at Celestia with the expectation of a good, baddie-killing time together. The sisters had so little in common that, strange as it seemed, it was nice to be able to share this.
Celestia took a discreet step back: a quiet signal for Luna to take the lead. She did so with gusto, setting the first foot past the ruined gate.
“Come on, guys,” Luna said lowly, her Cheshire grin glinting in the moonlight as they approached the factory “Let’s go show them a bad time.”
As ever, the hunters passed the front door without battle. That was the way their enemies fought: with fear alone as the first weapon. Any large, confusing building felt haunted in the night, and Queen Chrysalis Tobacco was no exception. Crates and pallets formed themselves into hallways, twisting and turning with maze-like complexity. Only every third overhead light was on, casting the room in shadows save for the too-bright reflections on stacks of plastic-wrapped cigarettes.
The hunters moved forward in a tight group, cautiously picking their way through the crate-formed corridor. A skitter echoed off the high roof – perhaps a rat, perhaps not.
Minutes passed, then another skitter came from behind a shelf to their right. The hunters glanced over suspiciously, but kept walking. They were in the changelings’ territory, and it was the changelings who would choose when to act. Nerve-wracking as it was, each of them knew there was nothing to do but press on.
…Except for Redheart. Sick of the wait and smiling at the cruel humor of it, she unpinned a grenade and tossed it over the shelf.
She was the last in line. The only one else who saw was Harshwhinny, back-walking to keep an eye on her.
Redheart met the woman’s glare laconically as she opened her mouth to speak. Something about professionalism, or coordination among the team. Whatever. The explosion robbed the words and broke apart the shelf, showering them both in enough cigarettes to corrupt a school district.
Bits also showered them. Pieces of black carapace, sharp like broken glass and sticky with green slime. Redheart accepted the disgusting addition with the stoicism of an E.R. nurse. Harshwhinny eyed a particularly large booger on her arm with repulsion, but also the resignation of one who knows this is just the start.
As the dust settled, the others stared back at them.
“Every time, Redheart.” Luna growled.
A din went up around them. Shrill, animal cries shook the floor with their volume and numbers. The odd skittering noise turned into a stampede of galloping hooves, racing towards the hunters from all directions.
The first changelings came into sight, rounding the corner behind Redheart. Disgusting bugs in equine shape, lowering crooked horns and barking with sharp-toothed maws.
Luna crossed her wrists, bracing her machine pistols. “Literally. Every time.”
Redheart snorted. “It’s better this way and we both know it.”
The changelings ended the conversation. More came from the front, and others pounced from crate tops into the center. That last group was the dangerous one, circumventing the humans’ firepower to close directly to melee.
But they weren’t the first to use such tactics, and the hunters had a counter. Against these dangerous few deployed the formidable Harshwhinny. Each click of her revolver preceded a shot, and a dead changeling. Firing precisely, sometimes aiming only a foot from another hunter, she shot into melee as easily as the firing range.
They came at her too, of course. When her gun was needed to cover others, she covered herself with a clenched, piston fist. It grabbed the first assailant’s horn and used it to throw the changeling to the ground. A heavy stomp of her foot crushed its throat in the next second. Harshwhinny’s gaudy purple blazer hid an Olympian build, matched with the efficient ruthlessness of experience.
She couldn’t cover everyone at once, and it fell to Redheart to pick up the slack. With a potato-masher grenade in one hand and combat knife in the other, she clumsily brawled with one foe at a time, usually only keeping it at bay until someone else could spare a bullet. But though her kill-count was low, her value today came with the destruction of terrain. Well-thrown bombs blew apart shelves and crates, opening lanes of fire and reducing unengaged changelings to piles of green goop.
Cranky laughed with uncharacteristic glee as he unloaded clip after clip from his assault rifle. This was a good setup for him, watching the changelings charge down the corridor. The heavy bullets of his weapon punctured carapace with ease, and his practiced finger controlled the bursts for maximum effect.
“Oh, Matilda.” In a brief lull, he glanced down fondly to the gun that had seen him through one war, and now walked by his side through the next. “If only you were here, you could see, ol’ Cranky can still dance with the bad boys!”
Cheerilee… daydreamed as she fought. She figured no one had a right to complain so long as she didn’t screw up, and she hadn’t yet. Not that it was hard to keep her side of the corridor clear with a shotgun the size of a golf bag.
She smiled dreamily. We’ll round the corner, and I’ll see a changeling about to kill Big Mac, and I’ll shoot the changeling, and he’ll look up and see me in this outfit, and he’ll be so attracted and grateful that he’ll ask me to be his girlfriend, and I’ll say, ‘How do I know you’re not a changeling?’ And he’ll say, ‘C’mere and let me show you…’
Luna swung her machine pistols like a turret, keeping them aimed high and gunning down changelings moving along the crate tops. Every kill meant one less leaping at Harshwhinny or Redheart, which meant one less chance for them to be overrun. Sometimes she squeezed one trigger, sometimes both, all depending on snap judgement.
Her tiny bullets often bounced off the changeling carapace, drawing a frown to her face. This would not be her best showing. But quantity helped make up the difference, and her extended clips offered plenty of lead to throw around. Plated chitin broke up under the sustained fire, and even when it didn’t the target would flinch with the impact. “Horde management” was part of the job, and she was doing well enough with it.
The hunters knew their work. They needed little direction. But that little was necessary, and for that, they had Celestia. Sometimes she would act physically, her carbine covering Cheerilee’s reload, or evening the odds when Redheart was wrestled to the ground. Sometimes she gave a verbal command – for Luna to support Cranky against a wave, and for Harshwhinny to cover Luna as she did so. The changelings came from every side, and the hunters didn’t have the firepower to match. But the changelings didn’t come from every side at once, and that let Celestia shuffle them as needed. Even rebellious Luna and cynical Harshwhinny moved with military obedience, trusting her with their lives. They were all adrenaline junkies – they were all having a feral kind of fun with this – but no one wanted to die on the job.
After three tense minutes, the changelings broke. The swarm became a gang of fragments, retreating with whimpers and snarls. The soft skittering returned… and ended quickly. They had not gone far.
Around Celestia, the others reloaded. None of the hunters were so naïve as to think they had won. With brute force having failed, the foe would turn to cleverness.
It was time to press on. “Stairs!” Cheerilee called, pointing ahead. “If there’s anything here, it’ll be in the basement.”
They advanced as a fire-team: in pairs, several steps apart. Weapons ready, Celestia and Harshwhinny led the way, turning at the first landing and descending the distance. A pale blue door proved unlocked, and they pushed it open to the shadowed basement.
It was then the next wave struck – fewer, but smarter. The hunters’ attention was behind them, before them, and down. The changelings came from above, flying with perfect agility down the stairwell. A gunshot resounded in the closed access, but the noise was dwarfed by cries and slamming doors. Celestia caught a glimpse of Cranky being bulldozed out the ground-floor doorway before she met the same fate in the basement. The pony-sized changeling that rammed her was heavier by far, and had no problems tackling her to the ground.
She grappled with it, fighting bile in her throat. Her first close look at a changeling, and it was hideous – a giant bug, with snapping fangs and heavy hooves. One of the hooves laid a solid punch on her stomach, causing her to jerk upwards with a gasp.
It got no more. Celestia had managed to draw her pistol during the brawl, and the spasm of pain brought it high. Holding it sideways, mere inches from the changeling’s temple, she fired.
Green gore doused her arm. The changeling fell, dead weight, and Celestia hoisted herself to her feet.
“Are you alright?”
A glance showed Harshwhinny next to her in the basement landing. Celestia nodded, one hand gingerly on her stomach. “Just winded. You?”
Harshwhinny’s lips moved to answer, but her voice came from elsewhere. “Fine.”
A gunshot cracked. Celestia startled as Harshwhinny fell with an inhuman cry, green ichor splattering from her chest. Her features warped and twisted on the ground, returning the changeling to its natural form.
Celestia turned to find herself staring down a smoking gun barrel. A tan hand clicked back its hammer, and Harshwhinny spoke again.
“Freeze. How do I know you’re really you?”
Celestia frowned. “Did you not see me kill that changeling?”
“They’re expendable and they know it.” Perhaps to underscore the point, Harshwhinny tapped her foot against a fallen foe. “You’ll need more than that.”
“The others are fighting, Nagatha. We don’t have time.”
“Correct.” But the revolver didn’t waver. “So tell me quickly: how do I know you’re Celestia?”
Celestia was normally sensitive to her staff’s egos, but this wasn’t the time. She sang in a low, frantic tone, “Can-ter-lot girls, we’re kind of magical, boots on–”
“Okay, okay!” Harshwhinny waved her off. “We’ll have to do this every time we lose track of each other. Here’s my end: your sister is a horrid little brat.”
Celestia scowled at her friend. “I wish you wouldn’t say things like that. You don’t know her.”
“We’re verifying, not debating.” Harshwhinny moved as she spoke, striding quickly back to the landing door and giving it a pull. “Remember to use a different one next… oh, dear.”
It was as though the stairwell had been totally replaced by changelings. They immediately poured outwards, knocking Harshwhinny to the ground and racing towards Celestia. Two pistol shots dropped one, but the lead changeling rammed its head into her chest, sending Celestia staggering backwards.
Then, a sudden skip of her heart. The feeling of wind yanking her legs out from under her, and the sight of the stair door and wall exploding. She saw Luna tumbling outwards, accompanied by an avalanche of changelings and changeling pieces. Even those closest to Celestia shared her fate, buffeted across the room by the contained force of what definitely wasn’t an ordinary grenade.
Luna was the first to her feet. “God damn it, Redheart, we were in there!”
The wall was gone. Even from her prone position, Celestia could see mangled metal where the stairs once were, and the ceiling of the ground floor above.
Somewhere within the concrete and metal debris, Redheart’s voice answered. “I’m sorry.”
“Screw you, changeling!” Luna roared. “I’m talking to Redheart!”
Several meters away from the first voice, a more sardonic reply came. “Luna, nobody asked you.”
Luna inhaled for a retort, but let it out with a growl. Without looking, she leveled her gun at the first ‘Redheart’ and emptied three rounds, sending it flying back in a spray of green. “This is going to get weird.”
Celestia rose unsteadily to her feet, and was promptly tackled again. A changeling rammed her through a door, carrying them both into a utility room. Brooms, mops, and the omnipresent black cigarette cartons scattered as they wrestled. Gunshots echoed across the concrete walls, another grenade went off in the distance… the hunters were scattered.
No time to think about it. The changeling knocked the pistol from her hand, but her other flicked out a pocket knife and caught the horn as it stabbed forwards. Celestia rolled, taking the changeling with her as five other running battles began.
All in all, Sunset had been lucky. The first changeling Iron Will smote was carrying the handcuff key. Working it into her lock had almost dislocated her shoulder, but a bit of cooperation with Human Chrysalis freed them both.
And while Sunset had a few moral objections to it, she could admit it was also lucky Chrysalis got the idea to throw the still-bound Spoiled Rich into the changelings’ midst. The distraction allowed them to slink away to the periphery of the fight. Chrysalis’ terse advice was right: much as Sunset wanted to, there was no way she could help Iron Will. She was tired, sore, and had no weapon to speak of.
Besides, Iron Will seemed to be doing okay. Sunset glanced behind her to see Chrysalis lingering a moment, staring at the spectacle.
Sunset found herself staring, too. Iron Will took bites and punches from his assailants, but that was nothing to what the huge gym teacher dealt in return. The changelings themselves were his weapons, seized and used as impromptu flails, or hurled bodily into their peers. Moving with speed she would never have thought him capable of, Iron Will grabbed and ducked, punched and dodged, sometimes all within the same fluid motion.
She couldn’t look away. It was a grotesque battle of over-muscled man against hideous bug – it was awful, nauseating, and glorious.
A hiss startled her. The stare had been costly. Only a few changelings moved to intercept, but they were more than enough for the unarmed pair. They crouched low, stomping hooves and barring their needle teeth.
“Time for Plan B,” Chrysalis murmured as the lead changeling took a step closer.
“What’s Plan B?” Sunset clenched her fists and cast a glance behind them. An open corridor invited escape, but that pit human legs against changeling wings.
“Sorry, kid.” Chrysalis stepped grandly towards the changelings, and turned her back to them mere inches away.
“My changelings!” she called regally, pointing at Sunset. “The human has escaped. Obey me, your queen, and capture her!”
Sunset gave a disgusted glare. “Changelings aren’t that stupid.”
The changelings charged past Chrysalis without a backwards glance.
“STUPID CHANGELINGS!” Sunset screamed, turning and dashing down the corridor. Hooves echoed after her, but a crash replaced their noise. Sunset looked back to see three hundred pounds of Iron Will upon her pursuers.
“Run!” he bellowed. One hand grabbed a changeling’s horn, another seized its haunch, and together they raised it above his head. With an echoing roar, Iron Will heaved it into the pack.
“I’ll get help!” Sunset called. Iron Will never responded – his charge had taken him to one side of the horde, and now he turned to face them all.
“I AM A BULL IN A CHINA SHOP!”
A second crash echoed as he heaved another changeling. “AND YOU ARE THE CHINA! YES, COME AT ME! MORE! I NEED MORE BAD GUYS TO FIGHT!”
His deep, booming laugh followed Sunset down the corridor. She smiled, hopeful despite it all. As bad as things looked, she knew Iron Will would survive.
Sunset’s own fate was a bit more in question. She slowed after a few turns of the hallway, realizing it had been enough to completely lose her way. Sounds echoed off the bare basement walls, and not just from behind her. Gunfire, explosions, and bestial roars drowned out the sounds of Iron Will’s brawl.
Her smile grew. The cavalry had arrived.
And lo and behold, down the hallway came the shotgun-toting Cheerilee… wearing something incredibly indecent, but that was beside the point. Sunset beamed, eyes watering in relief. She sped towards the woman, arms outstretched, and had just enough time to dive back around the corner as Cheerilee lowered her shotgun and fired.
A deafening *THOOM* shook the corridor, obliterating the wall behind where Sunset once stood. Hearing fast steps following the shot, Sunset turned and bolted in the opposite direction.
Cheerilee picked up speed as well, her taunting voice leading the way. “Oh, sure, I totally believe Sunset conveniently escaped on her own. You changelings think we’re as dumb as you are!”
“Great, just great,” Sunset growled as she fled. “Sunset Shimmer, dead at seventeen. Cause of death: math teacher.”
“Come back, ‘Sunset!’” Cheerilee called, with an earnestly uncomfortable amount of joy. “It’s time for class! Today we learn how to subtract.”
Failing to retrace her steps, Sunset rounded the wrong corner into a dead end. Heavy doors lined the hallway, and she grabbed one’s handle and pulled with all her might.
Locked.
The next one… locked.
A stream of panicked swears foamed from Sunset’s mouth as she tried the last door. This one opened for her, and she leaped inside. The interior was a cramped barracks of sorts, with cots and hammocks clustered together. A single bulb lit the room, but there was no time to turn it off. Sunset crawled beneath one of the cots, tucked in her legs, and held her breath.
Mere seconds passed before the door creaked open again. In her prone position, all Sunset could see was the shadow: the slim body, the massive gun, and somehow, the splitting grin.
“Are you here, Sunset?” the voice asked, so cheerfully that Sunset couldn’t resist a shudder.
After a few seconds of silence, Sunset heard her voice. “Yes! It’s me!”
Sunset blinked, watching her own mirror image rise from one of the beds. “Thank God you’re here! These monsters are everywhere.”
“Right.” Cheerilee rolled her eyes, already leveling the shotgun.
The copy lunged, but a *THOOM* rang out, followed by a noise like smashing eggs. Green ichor flecked onto Sunset’s hand, and the changeling fell. Humming gleefully, Cheerilee cocked the shotgun and left the room.
Sunset shifted a little to get comfortable, but didn’t rise. With the way things looked, it definitely seemed best to lay low for a while.
“And I still have to go to the bathroom,” she muttered, closing her eyes. Maybe the time would go faster if she closed her eyes.
Several minutes later, Sunset’s eyes opened to a rough voice. “Hey, kid.”
It was Cranky. He crouched facing her, his assault rifle pointed inches from her chest.
Sunset’s panic boiled over once more. “Sweet Celestia, I’m me! Don’t shoot!”
“I ain’t saying you’re not.” Cranky grumbled suspiciously. But he always grumbled, so that was something. “I ain’t saying you are, either.”
Fear made Sunset clever. “I just used ‘Sweet Celestia’ to express surprise. Who else would?”
Cranky batted it back without a blink. “Creatures from the same world.”
Sunset winced. “Okay, that’s fair. Um, um… Tree Hugger once did a sit-in on your parking space. I never really got why. Something about donkeys and elephants?”
“Not bad.” The words rolled from Cranky’s mouth, still cautious. “But anyone could have told you that, so here’s what we’ll do. You, missy, are gonna tell me what grade you’re getting in my class.”
Sunset blinked.
And smiled. “You don’t teach any of my classes.”
“Ha!” Cranky laughed, somehow still making it sound like a grumble. He righted himself, beckoning her to rise. “That’s good enough for me. No sense letting them make us paranoid.”
Sunset stood, her smile growing as Cranky produced a heavy military pistol and handed it to her. Weightier than her norm, but it would do.
“Glad to see you, Mr. Doodle.” Words she never expected to say. Not that she disliked him, but… you know. “At least someone’s still sane. Hey, um, did you happen to pass a bathroom on the way here?”
A feral hiss drowned his reply. Changelings charged through the door, bull-rushing in equine form.
Inches before contact, Cranky managed to hoist the assault rifle and unload. More changeling gore splattered them both, but that was all that connected.
Cranky laughed again as the last changeling fled into the hallway. With practiced hands he snapped in a fresh clip and waved Sunset to follow as he sped forward.
“Up and at ‘em, girl!” Cranky called with sudden and unusual gusto. “We got Charlie on the run!”
“Who’s Charlie?” Sunset asked, her discomfort lending an extra squeak to her voice. “And I meant it about the bathroom, it’s kind of urgent… ugh, you’re not listening.”
With nothing else for it, she took off after Cranky at a hobbled run.
Celestia and Cheerilee.
“You arrive early each Tuesday to talk with Mac as he makes his deliveries.”
“Your hair tastes like cotton candy.”
Them and Redheart.
“You used to get counseling for depression, but then you started hunting and didn’t need it anymore.”
“Let’s see… Cheerilee, you’re Trixie’s aunt and she embarrasses you to death, and Celestia, you pack Sunset’s lunch every day. I think you write her little notes, too.”
Harshwhinny and Luna.
“Hello, brat. Still wasting your vanishing youth in front of a screen while your older sister cares for you like the overgrown child you are?”
“Depends. Are you still a bitch queen who’s terrified of intimacy with your own live-in girlfriend of ten years?”
“Leave Chickadee out of this. She’s not my girlfriend, she’s my best friend.”
“Like how Lyra and Bon Bon are ‘best friends?’ Who, by the way, are still suspended for what they were doing in the–”
“BEST. FRIEND.”
One by one, the hunters linked back up with each other. The changelings’ bluffs proved paper-thin with no knowledge of their opposition. The swarm devolved into scattered raids, then clumsy infiltrators… and then, not even that.
Celestia beamed as Cranky came into sight, and she saw who trailed in his wake. “Sunset!”
Slinging her carbine, Celestia ran over and pulled Sunset into a full-body hug. The other staff coughed and exchanged glances, while Sunset herself broke contact quickly.
“Hi,” Sunset said anxiously, jogging in place. “Thanks for coming. I’m super happy. Now did anyone see a bathroom? I really, really have to–”
“HERE THEY COME!” Luna cried, fumbling out her pistols as a new tide of black surged towards them.
“OH, COME ON!” Sunset shrieked. She clumsily drew the heavy pistol, already bracing for injury. They were too close, too quick.
The lead changeling leaped, and landed on its belly right next to her. Before Sunset could even register confusion, it wrapped its chitin hooves around her ankles and looked up. The normally blank blue eyes of a changeling were teared at their corners, and the hissing voice formed a pathetic mewl.
“Save us!”
“We surrender!”
Around her, the befuddled teachers received similar attention. The dozen-odd changelings were prostate and cowering at their feet, some even hiding behind the legs to look fearfully backwards, or–
“Do NOT kiss my boots! Ugh!” Sunset forcibly stepped from the first changeling’s grasp. “I don’t have time for this. Listen, all of you! Against the wall!”
They complied, but Harshwhinny’s finger settled on the trigger. “This has to be a trick.”
“I thought you said they have a hive mind?” Luna looked to Sunset. “Unthinking slaves to their queen, who uses them however she likes?”
Fortunately, her recent flurry of letters to and from Equestria had made Sunset an expert. “Yes, but it can be nullified. Distance can sever the link, as can intense emotion. Like love, or in this case, fear.”
“It still doesn’t make sense,” Harshwhinny snapped. “They charged a machine gun, for heaven’s sake. What could possibly frighten them more than–”
From the darkness, thunder boomed. “THE HUNTERS ARE HERE, AND IRON WILL…”
A pause. Then, “IS ALSO HERE!”
Iron Will flounced into view, a spring in his step and swing in the arms as they held a green-soaked weapon of pain and terror.
Needlessly, he offered cheerful clarification. “I found a chainsaw!”
“We can see,” Luna noted.
“And look what else I found.” Iron Will gestured to the two figures before him. Both initially invisible in his overwhelming presence, a second look revealed them to be Chrysalis and… Chrysalis, each with their hands raised.
“Of course,” Sunset grumbled. She hopped from foot to foot, having reached the point in her discomfort where standing still was impossible.
“I’m the real Chrysalis!” one yipped.
“I’m the human Chrysalis!” the other said, looking at Sunset. “Come on, we were tied up together!”
“I didn’t even know about monsters until she kidnapped me.”
“Well I eat panda steak!”
“Ha! I eat harp seal fillets.”
Disgust entered the normally-laconic Redheart’s face. “How do you sleep at night?”
“On a pile of money.” The response came from both, in stereo.
“This is worthless.” Cranky’s enthusiasm was gone, returning him to his normal, grumbling self. “We don’t know anything personal about either of them. And we can’t just let ‘em go, so what do we do?”
“We’ll have to parse it down.” Cheerilee began digging out a notebook. “This could take hours.”
A twitch shot its way through Sunset’s entire body. With frazzled hair, pouring sweat, and a maniac gleam, she grinned the grin of the mad.
“Better idea.” She leveled her pistol at one of the Chrysalises and squeezed the trigger. The shot tore through the shoulder, splattering red blood on the floor and dropping her with a cry.
Human though she was, Chrysalis clutched the flesh wound and hissed up at Sunset. “Bitch! You could have just pricked my hand or something.”
“I… could have.” Sunset blinked. The grin vanished as she realized that yeah, that would have been a better way to do this.
Then she recalled Chrysalis’ little stunt during their escape, and the smile returned. “But I didn’t.”
Along with the other hunters, she pointed her gun at the standing Chrysalis. The changeling queen snarled, but her legs remained rooted to the spot. Slowly, she raised her arms above her head.
“So what do we do now?” Redheart asked, idly juggling a grenade. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve never seen monsters surrender. We can’t really keep them.”
“I have an idea,” Sunset said breathlessly. “But first: bathroom. Who can point me to a bathroom?”
“I saw one.” Cheerilee gestured behind them. “Right about where I met a changeling of you. Want me to show you?”
“NO!” Sunset howled, and took off in that direction.
Celestia nodded to Harshwhinny. “Cover her, will you?”
The stern woman returned the nod, and moved to obey. “Of course, Miss Celestia.”
“Celestia?”
Celestia looked over to see Queen Chrysalis staring at her, at first in confusion. Then a grin slowly formed, and she laughed out loud. “So you’re ‘Principal’ Celestia, hm?”
“What of it?” Celestia groaned, though she had a sinking suspicion where this was going.
“Oh, nothing.” Chrysalis smirked coyly, sizing her up with mocking eyes. “It’s just kind of a disappointment, given what the real Celestia is like.”
“I am a ‘real’ Celestia.” The words came out stiff and forced. It was a raw nerve, and they all could tell.
Chrysalis laughed again, waving her hand dismissively. “Principal, I fought Celestia. I know Celestia. I’m Celestia’s greatest enemy. You, Ma’am, are no Celestia.”
Celestia shoved her rifle butt into the side of Chrysalis’ head, knocking her out cold.
She closed her eyes. Took a deep breath in.
A slow breath out, and her gentle smile returned. “Iron, could you carry her? Everyone else, bring the prisoners outside. We’ll hear what Sunset has to say.”
Celestia turned, looking back to where her friends stood. “Great job, everyone.”
“Great leading, Celestia.” Cranky cracked a grin.
Cheerilee and Redheart high-fived each other. “Yeah, one more win for Team Celestia!”
“Thanks for keeping us together, Celestia.”
“WHEN CELESTIA’S LEADING, THE UNDEAD WON’T BE FEEDING!”
Only Luna was silent, glaring to the wall and wincing at every mention of the name. Celestia coughed gently, her smile growing awkward. “W-well, it was a team effort. We would have been in great trouble had Vice Principal Luna not suppressed them as they came over the shelves.”
“I don’t need pity-credit,” Luna grumbled, low enough that only Celestia could hear.
Gossiping and posturing with the rush of victory, the hunters began herding out the cowed changelings. Celestia lingered, laying a hand on Luna’s shoulder as she made to follow.
Again, Luna’s words were a low grumble, given with eyes fixed away. “What is it?”
Celestia squeezed her shoulder, and pressed their cheeks together. “I think you’re wonderful.”
Luna’s gaze remained turned. But a smile won out over her scowl, and she rubbed her cheek to Celestia’s. “And I think that lame pony princess has nothing on you. Now come on – we need to hear out Sunset’s idea.”
“I hope it can go quickly.” Celestia glanced at her watch. “She needs to get home and go to bed. It’s a school night.”
No referential humor was harmed in the making of this chapter.
Also, it originally ended with Queen Chrysalis' abrupt execution, but then I got an idea that made me giggle. More on that later. 
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Personally Im surprised that Sunset could hold it in that long especially with the house of horrors going on. Pretty good hunter with that kind of bladder control
Changelings : "Hey, we resent that. At least our economic system actually works."
Human Celestia: badass
Pony Celestia: sparkly
I agree with Chryssy, there is no real contest between the two of them.
Sunset did get retribution XD
I can see human Chrysalis actually helping them, once the "you shot me!!" phase is over. After all, monsters killing your consumers are bad for business. As is the end of the world, rampaging breasts destroying her property... Helping the crazy cuckoos deal with that is certainly worth a couple thousand a month.
But about the bug one, what does the future reserve to her?
I think I know where Sunset is going with this...it's the same situation with mexico where they are going over the border because it's real shitty back home.
She's going to have princess twilight handle their deportation.
So I guess no one had a gun to loan Whooves who seems to have sat in the car the whole time.
Message Twilight and shove them back through the portal to let the Equestrians deal with it?
This is the ultimate showdown...
They held a school dance on a Thursday?
Huh, I was really expecting you to pop off at least one Aliens quote. "They're coming outta the god damn walls!" or something.
Question: What relationship does Dean Cadance have with the hunters? I know they're not the same school or whatever but it seems to me that with their history, they would still see themselves as allies. Especially considering they are hardly super-secretive about their... uh, night-time hobby.
Also... I'm seriously starting to worry about Luna. I really like the personality you've given her and don't want anything bad to happen, but she has the potential to be very dangerous.
7197867 The idea of a possible Principal and Princess Celestia and Luna interaction is really one I like.
Oh, such a fun Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny this was.
But if I were them, I'd have shot both just to be sure.
Probably send them back through the mirror
Jesus H. Chrysler, I´m so in love with this crew!
7197897
Good way to make sure the kiddies go right home afterwards!
That's all I got.
7197899
Regarding Cadence: No real plans, but I'm thinking she's the action-trope bombshell hottie who gets captured and needs saving every couple of months.
That reminds me: They still have a fake Sunset @ home. Wouldn't that get weird!
7198187 Cadance (and perhaps Shining Armour) seems like the type of person who could deal with this kind of thing once in a while, but not on a regular basis. I think you've stated that your hunters are adrenaline junkies and a little crazy. Still, it would be nice to see them involved a little.
Another enjoyable chapter. Good job.
7197762
Honestly I wouldn't mind Rampaging breasts causing some destruction
Oh, that was so hilarious!
Great to see just about the whole group of hunters out on a mission together, not to mention all the... "quirks" you gave them. From Cranky's communist line to what Cheerilee dresses like outside of school. Not to mention her fantasizing about Big Mac. And at least Cranky isn't quite as ax-crazy as the others, maybe (he didn't shoot Sunset on sight). As well as all the ways they could identify each other. Though sure seems like Iron Will could have handled things on his own.
I do wonder about Luna- as others said, she does seem to have serious issues, compared to the others just being crazy, but nice to see Principal Celestia supporting her. Though being compared to immortal pony princesses doesn't help either. Looking forward to whatever Sunset's idea is. I kind of hope we get to see Celestia and Sunset have a proper reunion too.
I'll be taking bets on the coming giggle-worthy scenario. For my part, I'll wager on a bruised and restrained Chrysalis falling through the portal and into Twilight's castle, where she is expected for a quick trip to Tartarus, but with a little unexpected addition - a note tied about her neck which reads:
Defeats Dealt to Chrysalis
Principle Celestia: 1
Princess Celestia: 0
7198423 XD Darn phones, I tell you!!
But I'd pay good money to see that, too.
I LOVE the Iron Will in this!
He is somewhat Ahnohld Schwoatzenegga O.o
Hands down, best line.
7197762
"Rampaging breasts"
...what a weird image.
Points for the chapter title. Also points for possibly referencing one of my favorite comics with the "Stupid Changelings" bit.
3.bp.blogspot.com/-YcKdCRqT3qo/URpOjhfhbeI/AAAAAAAAAgA/6UCIcqVAUug/s1600/bone3.png
7198997
Yep.
Bless your diabolical literary heart for that chapter title... NOW I CAN'T GET THAT SONG OUT OF MY HEAD!!! MY ROOMIES HAD TO KNOCK ON MY DOOR ASKING ME WHY I WAS SINGING IT AND I HAD TO REPLY, "HOLY SMOKES I'M ON AUTOMATIC!"
7199330 what song? Now I have to know!
7198805
in all honesty (and lack of political correctness) you are still right in the case of most of this monster hunting gang.
7199373
Across the mirror, Discord debates becoming evil again just to demonstrate how incredibly inaccurate that statement is.
And to think, this squad of mentally ill people are in charge of children!
... not too different from reality if you think about it. 
7198187
About your ideas for Cadence...
So... Princess Peach, basically?
Well, that was a delightful bit of havoc. Definitely looking forward to seeing what your giggly idea is. Also, Iron Will is best Doomguy.
7198987
Well, given what Cheerilee is wearing...
7206504 it seems to be earth so most likely plus its just not something to put into your writing period
7206504
If you wish to carry on that conversation, please do so via PM. I do not believe his self-righteous bawling merits response.
How appropriate.
Wow.
All you need is a t-shirt a magic chainsaw and you're Juliet Starlight.
Shots fired!
Oi vey.
Yes they are apparently.
You're mad!
Terrible weapon, heavy, impractical, loud, not meant to cut flesh, much less chitin.
Bills right? Because coins would probably hurt.
You give yourself too much credit. Discord could turn you into a plaything, Nightmare Moon would stomp you and Tirek would drain your magic. And maybe kill you. You're small pickings.
Why not just shoot her?
x3.cdn03.imgwykop.pl/c3201142/comment_JKIfQIwsd4rABxeTKg4xJjVIWHYWIVd6.jpg
Should be "prostrate"
But the mis-used word is funnier
Help, I got a dirty image of Cherilee in my head...
The ONE TIME
he can't find a RHYME!
Not gonna lie, I got a good laugh outta that.
[youtube=GO0JaecRWy0]
I approve of this ship. This Luna is great. Celly continues to be such a mom, especially with that last line.👌
But this could use more Harshwhinny.
Come on, guys,” Luna said lowly, her Cheshire grin glinting in the moonlight as they approached the factory “Let’s go show them a bad time
https://youtu.be/ZcoqR9Bwx1Y
7703079
I would like to point out upon re-reading this that the typo is still there, but it's still funny
Reference?
Oh wow, Iron Will wrecked some nerds. Imagine that.
This is so glorious I can almost forgive you for shipping Harshwhinny with anybody besides me.
Did anyone else wanna listen to Megalovania when she said this?
Good God, that was a riot.
I love, just love, this story's take on Cheerilee and Cranky, and so many of the others in this monster-killing crew. 