• Published 4th Jan 2016
  • 14,501 Views, 1,659 Comments

Principal Celestia Hunts the Undead - Rune Soldier Dan

The faculty of Canterlot High battles otherworldly horrors with style

  • ...

PreviousChapters Next
We are not Responsible Adults

Author's Note:

“You need to get up in the morning and say, “Boy, I’m going to – in my own stupid way – save the world today.”

-Carol Bellamy, Peace Corps Director.

-Official goddamn quote of the fic.

“Celestia! I’m *BANG* freaking out!”

The woman was right next to her, but Sunset screamed the words. It was the only way she could hear herself over the gunshots.

“I’m here, Sunset. Don’t worry. Just *BANG* focus on the zombies close to you.”

Celestia’s own weapon of choice was a short, semi-automatic carbine, favored for its use at any range. Another satisfying *BANG* tore through both a tombstone and an undead kneecap, and she glanced to her ward.

Her quiet, patient frown came to the fore as Sunset made a classic first-timer mistake. Wide-eyed and trigger-happy, her bursts had flown into mid-ranged zombies, leaving her weapon empty as one lumbered close. She threw up her arm to guard the body, and cried out as the zombie bit her hand.


That was another nice thing about the carbine: it had a good, solid kiss to it, unlike Luna’s trendy little machine pistol. The force alone knocked the zombie down with a deep gouge in its chest.

“Oh, shit.” Heedless of the gore on her jacket and boots, Sunset stared with growing horror at the bitten hand. “Shit. Shit…”

She slumped to her knees, shivering and sobbing. “Shit. Principal, I’m bit.”

“It’s not *BANG* bad,” Celestia consoled, only glancing at the barely-bleeding wound. “A little antiseptic, a little bandage, and you’ll be fine.”

“But I’m gonna turn into one!” Sunset’s tear-choked scream hit the air. “Principal, I… you have to… oh my Goddess, my friends, everyone… I’ll never see them again. B-but I’d rather die as myself so you have to–”

“You know the answer, Sunset.” With no zombies closer than a few dozen meters, Celestia gave herself a moment of time. She knelt next to Sunset, putting her purple slacks to the muddy ground and laying a hand on the other’s shoulder. Sunset turned her crying gaze upwards, and Celestia gave her a gentle smile.

“Sunset, did you learn about the space program by watching Star Wars?

“What?” the girl blinked at the seeming non sequitur. “No.”

“Then don’t do the same for zombies. Explain to me how they’re animated using facts, not movies.”

“Necromancy,” Sunset answered. “The black magic takes a dead body, and… oh.”

She beamed, realizing in a rush that her life would endure. Yeah, there’s no infection or whatever. The necromancy just animates the dead bodies in its area of effect. Would explain why the vampire forted up in a graveyard.

Celestia gave a comforting squeeze, knowing and loving the relief that swept to Sunset’s face. “You’re doing fine. Now reload – we’re sticking to the plan.”

“Right,” Sunset breathed, and began fumbling with her pistol.

The plan. It was a decent plan. Iron Will was large, loud, and violent, making him perfect for kicking down the gate and attracting most of the zombies. With Cranky and Redheart covering his flanks, they’d rampage the graveyard while the vampire retreated – usually to the largest, fanciest mausoleum. There, the other four would hopefully catch it with the bulk of its defenses away.

Sunset and Celestia had slipped through a hole in the back fence, and now the final two jogged up to join them: Luna, with her machine pistol, and Harshwhinny, fitting bullets into a small, dignified revolver.

“Quiet on your end?” Celestia asked. The pair seemed… clean compared to Sunset and herself.

“Quiet enough to hear Sunset screaming for you,” Luna noted.

“Are you crying?” Harshwhinny asked, looking ice-eyed to Sunset. “Miss Shimmer, kindly bring your big-girl panties next time.”

“Hey,” Celestia cut in with uncharacteristic sharpness. One arm reached over and hugged Sunset tightly, heedless of the zombie gore. “She got bit, she saw the movies, her mind went to a bad place. Ease off. Especially you, Luna – you were a crying wreck after your first bite.”

“Was not,” Luna growled, looking away.

Ignoring the rebuttal, Celestia turned her attention to Sunset. The girl was making a red-faced effort to get a hold of herself. She quickly blinked her eyes clear, and wiped a grimy sleeve across her face. She rose, still evidently shaken.

“Sunset. Honey.” Celestia smiled encouragingly, hoping the bloodstain she felt on her cheek didn’t detract from it. “You’re stressing out too much. Zombies have blunt teeth and fingernails. They’re not much threat, and you can always shout for help if you need it. You’re going to be fine, okay? So try to have fun.”


“If you have the right mindset, it’s a lot of fun.” Celestia hugged the yellow girl to her chest. “And remember, I’m here with you.”

A few paces away, Harshwhinny gave Luna a sidelong glance. “Is she adopting her?”

“Yes.” Luna deadpanned.

“Sister,” Celestia shot in a warning tone.

Luna threw up her arms. “Fine, drag it out another twenty chapters. See if I care. Now are we doing this, or what? Iron Will can’t keep his end up forever.”

From the front of the graveyard, a voice boomed. “When the dead come arising, IRON WILL STARTS CHASTISING!”

“…Probably.” Luna shrugged. “One way or another, let’s go.”

The graveyard had several mausoleums, but only one real suspect: a gaudy, bronzed one with a blasted door, and a girl’s scream echoing from within.

They paused upon hearing the scream. Harshwhinny held a hand up for silence, but Sunset was already racing forwards.

“Miss Shimmer, wait!”

Luna grinned as they sped after her. “At least she’s enthusiastic.”

“‘Enthusiastic,’ nothing!” Sunset shouted back, resisting the urge to add ‘you maniacs.’ “That’s Twilight’s voice!”

She bounded up the mausoleum’s stairs with the others on her heels, but halted abruptly as she entered the door. Stark contrast to the reddened evening outside, within the walls it was pitch black.



Sunset startled, almost pulling the trigger as lights came on around her. Four torches in the corners of the room sprang to a guttering, dim life, casting the mausoleum in shadows.

It was enough. An altar had been raised in the room, where a figure in black loomed. He was handsome and smooth, with pale blue skin and white hair. A ruffled shirt lay beneath his fine suit… and blood ran from the corner of his mouth.

… Oh…

Sunset didn’t want to look. But she did, lowering her eyes from the grinning mouth. Twilight Sparkle – “Human Twilight” to the Rainbooms – was bound to an altar, with chains spreading her arms and legs into an ‘X.’ Her black glasses flew off as she thrashed, grunting and straining despite the twin pricks on her neck.

Twilight ceased her struggles upon seeing the four. Her eyes widened, then quickly narrowed. “Sunset! You came to… who gave you a gun?”

“Twilight, you’re going to be okay!”

“Little late for that.” Harshwhinny clicked back the hammer on her pistol.

“Whoa, hey!” Sunset whipped around, raising her arms wide as if to catch the bullets. “We are not killing Twilight just for being a vampire.”

Harshwhinny sniffed. “Miss Shimmer, I don’t tell you how to be a fire demon, so don’t tell me how to be a vampire hunter.”

“Okay, first off? Twilight’s my friend. Second, you’re bringing that up!?”

“Wait, what’s this about killing me!?” Twilight shrieked.

“Everybody shut up!” Luna punched the stone doorway and pointed her gun at the stranger. “Except for you. What did you do to Twilight?”

The man gave a small laugh, utterly unafraid of the weapon. A too-long tongue snaked down his cheek, wiping the spilled blood before he spoke. “Just a pint, my dear. She remains perfectly, boringly, human.”

“And perfectly clothed,” Luna noted with a touch of surprise. “Usually you bloodsuckers can’t wait to make a few Mrs. Draculas. What’s your game, Alphonso?”

Sunset blinked. “You know him?”

“Gym teacher at Griffonstone Academy,” Luna said, never moving her eyes from the target. “He also coaches all their girls’ sports teams.”


“Yeah, I call first shower when we get home.”

“Griffonstone.” Alphonso said the name like a curse, his grin fading to a glower. “Ugh. With its senile old principal and butch girls who wouldn’t know makeup from mud puddles. I’m destined for better hunting grounds, and as soon as I’m done with you – Hoity Prep! A fine harem of lovely, classy girls from whom to pick my first bride.”

He glanced to Twilight and shrugged. “No offense, but a vampire’s first has to be someone… you know, special. Not a flat-chest, five-out-of-ten dork who chews her nails.”

Twilight growled her response, glaring as intimidatingly as she could while chained in place. “Then why didn’t you kidnap one of those oh-so refined Hoity Prep girls?”

“You have the hunters to thank for that.” Alphonso gestured to the four in the doorway. “I knew they had my scent, so I needed a trump card. That’s you.”


Sunset bit hard on her lip. Does Alphonso know? Equestria, Midnight Sparkle… did I miss something? If Twilight still has Equestrian magic, who knows what he’ll unleash!?

A deep breath, in and out. She felt Celestia by her side… and Luna and Miss Harshwhinny, too. They wouldn’t make it easy for this creep, whatever he was planning.

“Yes, my dear.” The torches flickered, casting the pale face in shadows as Alphonso grinned a sharp-toothed grin. “You see, we vampires profit greatly from the consumption of innocence – particularly at that tender, adolescent stage between child and adult. Others may look at you and see an unfeminine geek, but I see… well, an unfeminine geek, but more to the point…”

“…A virgin.”

“What.” Twilight’s glare only deepened.

“That’s not what I expected,” Sunset admitted.

Alphonso slowly clenched a fist in the air, and the torches guttered and sparked with green flame. “Virgin blood stays with us so briefly, but its power is enormous. Strength. Speed. Invincibility against your precious guns. I’ll kill you lot, and then that loudmouth outside. With virgin blood in me, there’s nothing you can do.”

“For real?” Sunset glanced to Luna, feeling the sweat run down her face. The vice-principal grimaced and shrugged.

No way. Sunset swallowed her fear and gripped the gun tighter, pointing it squarely at the foe. No way we’re letting this pervert loser win. We’re saving you, Twilight. We’re…

Twilight was grinning.

Sunset blinked.

“Hey Mister Refined Girls Only!” The bitter, nasal voice of the captive Twilight shot triumphantly through the room. “I’m not a virgin!”


“Really?” Alphonso and Luna said at once.


A red hole appeared in Alphonso’s chest, spilling blood on his pretty little suit.


The next one entered his head. Fangs shot open in surprise as he stumbled backwards and slumped against the wall.


A third one, to make it a sure thing.

He twitched.


There we go.




Hands moving just like Luna taught her, Sunset ejected the old clip, slapped in a new one, racked a round into the chamber and–

“You got ‘em, Sunset.” Luna.


“Silver bullets aren’t free, Miss Shimmer.”



At Celestia’s word, Sunset blinked and took her finger off the trigger. Her eyes swept to the others: Harshwhinny’s habitual glare was unchanged, but at least now it focused on the removal of Twilight’s chains. Twilight herself met Sunset’s glance and gave a smile, though Sunset’s own eyes kept moving.

Luna and Celestia were both smiling at her. Luna’s was cagey and knowing, while Celestia looked like a proud parent.

Sunset breathed in slowly – the musk of damp stone, mixed with the acrid glory of spent brass and gunpowder. The gun was heavy as ever, but the weight somehow felt good. Alphonso had gone from vicious predator to messy memory by Sunset’s hand. Things had been tense and scary, yeah. But also…

“Definitely cathartic,” she admitted with a grin. A second, sharper breath of that wonderful gun smoke. “Exciting.”

The smile turned wry. “You know, like a roller coaster without a seat-belt. I still think you guys are crazy. This is not ‘fun.’”

A third sniff. Tirek’s teeth, it smelled good.

“It will be.” Luna shrugged with the statement, striding over to help Nagatha with the locks.

“It might not,” Celestia conceded. She settled a hand on Sunset’s shoulder, drawing her in with those warm, attentive eyes. “This is definitely not for everyone. So if you want to quit…”

“I don’t,” Sunset said quickly.

Celestia gave a gentle laugh. “Let me finish! If you do end up quitting, I still insist that you stay at my house. Hunter or no, you need a proper bed and warm meals. You’re–”

“‘A growing girl,’ yeah, yeah.” Sunset chuckled, punching Celestia playfully in the arm. “Seriously, though, I feel good. Took down a murderous psycho. Saved a damsel in distress.”

“Hey!” Twilight protested, grinning. She sat up, rubbing where the chains had pinched her arms. “In a way, I saved you.

The purple girl yelped as Harshwhinny hauled her to her feet. “Yes, yes, you two are regular Van Helsings. Miss Shimmer, can you escort her out of here? The adults have some zombies to manage.”

“So… vampire hunter?”

“Something like it.” Sunset grinned sheepishly, though kept a wary eye for the restless dead. “Here’s the hole we slipped in through. Uh… take care on the way home. I’ll see you Monday.”

“Wow. This was just a Saturday afternoon for you, huh?” Twilight chuckled, fiddling with the pink streak across her hair.

“Not really.” Sunset returned the laugh. “This was my first day.”

“Ha! Well, would the rookie hunter care to escort me home? I can help you out with the history assignment. Somehow I doubt Miss Harshwhinny lets you off the hook for this.”

Sunset shook her head. “She doesn’t. But I gotta take a rain check.”

The pistol was back in her hands. Heavy. Powerful. It seemed a perfect match for her black leather jacket and wild hair.

Behind her, gunshots and guttural moans broke the graveyard’s air.

“It’s zombie time.”

Damn, I’m sexy. If we were lesbians, this would be my moment of triumph.

Maybe the same thought had hit Twilight, because her grin widened and blushed. “My hero.”

The voice was tinged with knowing sarcasm, but the gratitude remained. Twilight waved, then turned to race the fading sun home. Sunset nodded, gritted her teeth to a fearless grin, and sped back to join the others.

PreviousChapters Next