Smoke if you got 'em
“Hey, Gilda.”
“Sunset.”
The gym bathroom, between periods four and five. A dark, mold-smelling place of seclusion as Iron Will left for lunch and physical education closed for business. The pair of students had long-since discovered this little refuge, and shared it quietly for a single purpose: a safe, isolated place to smoke.
“Been a while.” The brown skinned girl shrugged, already halfway through her first cigarette by the time Sunset came in. “Thought you turned over a new leaf or something.”
Sunset gave her own shrug, fumbling through her purse. Strange as it was to say, she missed the company. Gilda had been the closest thing she had to a friend back in the day. They were two different types of high school villain – the thug poser and the school dictator – and so had little to fight over. Sunset couldn’t be intimidated by Gilda, and Gilda was never worth Sunset’s time. It was the once-retained junior who got Sunset into smoking, a habit that had fueled her ego: Sunset Shimmer breaking yet another rule, with not a damn thing anyone could do about it.
She had quit smoking along with bullying some months back, but after the weekend she had she was more than ready to fall off the wagon.
“Ah… crap.” Sunset’s hand reached the bottom of her purse. “I threw them out. Son of a…”
Gilda’s harsh, cawing laughter bounced off the marsh-green walls. She approached, digging fingerless leather gloves into her own purse. “I gotcha. You owe me.”
A black and green carton was produced, with a butt flicked out by a practiced thumb. Grateful, Sunset accepted and lit it off Gilda’s shrinking nub.
Sunset’s eyes closed, anticipating the pleasant hit, then bulged open. A wet, shrill noise like a dying dolphin hacked from her throat, accompanied by smoke, the cigarette, and the better half of a lung. She doubled over, her body doing its level best to cough out the other lung as well.
Gilda was also doubled over, laughing.
“Your face!” The white-haired girl screamed gleefully, clutching her stomach. “You should see your, oh my sides, hee hee…”
“Blarg!” Wet-eyed from coughing, Sunset slowly righted herself as her breath came under control. She looked cross-eyed to her tongue and chewed it fiercely, trying to work out the taste that she imagined most closely resembled a raccoon dipped in battery acid.
Gilda gave a last chuckle. “You get used to them. And they’re made here in Canterlot, so they cost like half as much as other brands.”
She displayed the box to Sunset’s reddened eyes: evil black and green, with ‘Queen Chrysalis’ emblazoned in blue beneath a crown. “Hard to argue with money, you know? Anyway, I’m on my way out. Remember: you still owe me!”
Grinning, Gilda swaggered from the bathroom as Sunset recovered. She slammed three breath mints into her mouth and crushed them, drowning the vile taste in fresh-smelling sugar.
Queen Chrysalis, she thought bitterly. Damn, Gilda, is it really worth saving a buck or two?
Queen Chrysalis.
She paused. That name… she had heard it before. Something from Pony Twilight’s letters…
Right.
The changeling.
The realization made her head snap upwards. Green eyes beheld the mirror, gazing behind her in an illogical burst of paranoia.
So this world has one of her. Her rational, ordered mind fought back against the fear. There were copies of everypony here, so why not Chrysalis? It didn’t mean that this Chrysalis was a changeling – ruling a big tobacco company was evil enough. Changelings don’t exist in this world.
“Like vampires?” Sunset muttered, trapped in her own logic. She knelt slowly and retrieved the extinguished cigarette from the floor – maybe it had a drug, or poison in it. Concealing it in her pocket, she departed with purpose. Fifth period was her study hall. That meant a trip to the library for some internet-assisted research.
Even produced from the school’s ancient printers, the picture was intimidating. A beautiful woman with blue-green hair, black skin, and legs that could rival Celestia’s. She grinned out from the paper, radiating evil confidence and fierce-eyed ambition.
Evil or not, the picture sat ignored on Celestia’s desk. The principal leaned over it with steepled fingers, her eyes glancing between Sunset and the other two in the room: Luna, at her own desk, and Nurse Redheart.
Celestia could tell that Sunset took the perceived threat with deathly seriousness. The young hunter had even confessed to smoking in the restroom to strengthen her case, and surrendered the cigarette for Redheart to test. Learning the unassuming nurse was also a master chemist hadn’t fazed her in the least, a fact Celestia noted with approval. There was more to all of them than met the eye, and Sunset was getting used to it.
Still, Celestia was hardly convinced. She smiled peaceably, but offered the obvious rebuttal. “Thank you for bringing this up. But… we need more than a parallel from your world to go off of. By your logic, I should be a glorious sun-goddess, a thing I most assuredly am not.”
Really? Have you looked at your legs, recently?
Sunset swallowed the snark, instead letting Luna add her own two cents. “A demonic bug monster and a tobacco baron…” Luna’s lips turned upwards in dry wit. “Honestly, that’s a mirror image. I get what you’re saying, but I think this is exactly what Earth’s ‘evil queens’ do.”
“If I’m right, though…” Sunset raised a finger, having come well-prepared with her own arguments. “What if I’m right, and Equestria’s supernatural threats are the same here? We would know who to watch out for, and maybe stop some problems before they start.”
“I saw that movie,” Luna noted. “It was a dystopia flick.”
Sunset shook her head. “I’m not saying we do a drive-by shooting. I’m saying we look into it. If we don’t find anything, fine. Wasted time, the rookie screwed up, etcetera. But if we do find something, we’ll have at least the start of what might be a trend. And that’ll let us predict our enemies, and place one of them in our sights.”
One pale pink finger tapped against the desk, and Celestia turned to Redheart. The quiet, white woman smiled a little in response and straightened her back.
“Did you find anything in the cigarette?”
“Oh, yes.” Redheart nodded, and read aloud from a tiny notebook. “A cocktail of chemicals, many of them poisonous. Acetic acid, ammonia, arsenic, lead, tar, formaldehyde, toluene (which is paint by the way)…”
Sunset brightened at the seeming note of support, but at the end of the list Redheart shook her head. “In short, they’re perfectly ordinary cigarettes.”
“Oh, wow.” Sunset blinked, her eyes going a little wider. “Wow.”
“Regardless, I agree with Sunset.” Celestia stood and turned to the side, pacing a few steps behind her desk. “While I’m certainly skeptical, if there’s a dangerous parallel between our worlds we would be remiss to ignore it. This is the way to find out, before a threat looms too large. One of us will do a stakeout of Miss Chrysalis’ mansion and see what comes up.”
“I’ll do it.” Sunset thrust her hand to the air.
“No.” Celestia turned to look squarely back at her. “You and I will remain here this evening, and have a nice, long discussion about peer pressure, the temptation of drugs, and the dangers of smoking.”
Sunset wilted visibly under the declaration. A few drops of sweat came down her face and she chuckled nervously. “Can’t I just promise to never smoke again, and we’ll skip the talk?”
“No,” Celestia said again, giving a paternal smile that promised hours of well-intentioned torture. “Keep haggling, and we’ll tack on ‘how your body is changing’ to the conversation.”
Luna coughed purposefully as Sunset settled her head into her hands. “Well I’m not going. I’m not killing my evening for a wild goose chase, we’ll have Cranky do it. He’s used to the shit jobs.”
“Because he’s learned to expect the ‘shit jobs.’” Celestia used the phrase distastefully. “Because you keep passing them onto him. No. No Cranky. And definitely no Iron Will. Cheerilee has detention duty today, which leaves… hm, Redheart or Harshwhinny…”
Like the rest of humanity, the ever-calm, ever-pleasant Nurse Redheart was considerably less friendly when no one was watching.
“Oh, Redheart, dearie,” she squeaked, poorly impersonating Celestia’s voice. “I don’t have the BALLS to ask Harshwhinny to do this, and I’m going to be too busy with my sociopath sister and totally-not-daughter. Can you please go freeze to death on a fourth-story rooftop in the middle of a windy October evening to stalk a woman who resembles someone Sunset heard is a bad guy in her weird magic world? Kay-thanks-bye.”
Said woman’s status didn’t improve her mood. Redheart had an easy view over the white privacy fence that masked Chrysalis’ property. An annex to the mansion was made of clear glass, and held a bubbling, heated pool in which the target was lounging.
Near as Redheart could tell, Chrysalis was everything she was supposed to be. She wore a slim black swimsuit that nearly matched her skin, giving the illusion of nudity. The woman sipped wine, leaned against the pool wall with her eyes closed, and… that was it. She was every bit the wealthy businesswoman enjoying a precious few hours of rest.
Redheart gave a jealous shiver. She wore a dull green three-season jacket, but on the windy rooftop it was definitely winter. She hadn’t broken out the gloves and hat yet, leaving her ears freezing within the short red bun. Her hands were busy with the binoculars, also exposing them to the elements.
Chrysalis rose from the pool, yawning and stretching her rubber-like body out to its fullest length. Good. Once that stupid, sexy corporate goddess was inside, Redheart would call it. Nothing to report, of cour–
Pink.
Redheart looked harder, not trusting her vision but not daring to look away. Chrysalis had definitely turned pink.
Redheart chanced a blink, but the sight remained, and it wasn’t just Chrysalis’ skin that was changing. Two-tone purple crept out to overtake the blue hair. The supermodel frame shortened and widened, as did the face. The eyes shimmered from their slit green to a softer teal, marked with slight bags and purple eyeshadow.
It wasn’t a household face, but Redheart recognized it instantly. RichCorp had funded an emergency room for the hospital she used to work at, and she was one of the staff called upon to smile gratefully as the CEO toured his donation. She didn’t much care one way or another about Filthy Rich and his wife…
…But there she was. Pink and snooty as ever, Mrs. Spoiled Rich. Or at least, she was to the casual observer.
Redheart pulled out her phone. Big rule of the job – always let the others know about your weird, important discoveries right away, on the off-chance you got killed on the way home.
[SS was rite bout Chrys. Changeling. I’m bookin]
Group text… sent. She hadn’t even put the phone away before a response came.
[If we’re fighting changlings, I’LL BRING THE MANGLINGS]
She slipped the phone to her pocket and stood up with a grateful sigh. Hands over her chilled ears, she jogged to the fire stairs and descended the building.
…Into a whole heap of trouble.
Six to eight of them on each side, blocking off the alley’s exits. The bastards weren’t even pretending to be normal. All of them white skinned, red haired, green coated… all of them her. Leering as monsters do when they reveal themselves to the prey.
Redheart had a wide-eyed, innocent air about her, a quality she had zero compunction against abusing. Bright blue eyes cast between both groups, and she let out a nervous laugh. “What… what are you?”
“Never you mind,” the closest one purred with a carbon-copy voice. “Now come along quietly and things will go alright. We don’t care for you, just whoever you work for. We’ll let you go when we’ve heard everything.”
Christ, they think I’m an idiot.
Damn it – if Celestia had thought to send backup, I might’ve been able to capture one. As it stands… hm, it’ll be tough, but I think I can…
They drew closer, grinning wider than Redheart ever had in her life.
Actually, screw it.
“You girls… whatevers, should run while you have the chance.” She smirked, reaching inside her jacket. “I’m a nurse.”
Most of them belted out shrill, gleeful laughs at that, including their speaker. She (we’ll call it a she) threw her fingers over her eyes and leaned back, giving an extra yip of humor before righting herself.
The smile vanished as she saw the grenade bounce to her feet. And two more, sailing to the middle of each pack.
And Redheart, standing as though she had never moved. Save for the combat knife in one hand and fourth grenade in the other.
Shrug. “We have pent up anger.”
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AMEN!!!!!
Oh I live with one so yeah...I am already aware of this...
attention!!: this chapter cannot be read by children under +13, who doesn't know the freaking cause of smoking
and please......Don't Try This At Home, i repeat DON'T TRY WHAT GILDA AND SUNSET JUST DID!!!!
Remember kids: smoke is dangerous for your health.
Run, you fools! Everybody knows that nurses are badass!
Well... That was something...
I'm interested in seeing an Equestria Girls x Black Ops Zombies crossover where Celestia, Luna, Cadence, and Cinch have to survive the undead horde.
But hey, if no-one steps up to the oche, I might just have to take up the reins again...
Dang it, did you beat me to a "Human Celestia is Secretly a Superhero" story??
Hmmph. I bet mine will be better.
This is glorious!
6909821 Agreed.
Moar please.
Aw, everyone can see Principal Celestia has already basically adopted Sunset. And wonder how many other villain counterparts Sunset will uncover. Really like the mix of humor and genre-savvy monster hunters they are- always report important stuff first, just in case, though sure seems like they can handle themselves.
I <3 Nurse Redheart.
Especially when she tells everyone what she's found out immediately.
this is why I stick to candy cigarettes. illegal in some states, but a hell of a lot less damaging
6909816
I came up with something similar where the events of the canon verse happened in EQG to a variable extent. never got around to writing it.
Ya damn right. My Mom was a nurse. When I got in trouble at school, they always asked if I wanted them to call her or my Dad.
The answer was always the same,
If only you had been smokin those 'Merican Spirit blacks gurl
I do love surprise badasses. Though as Redheart notes, this one really shouldn't come as a surprise. Great chapte. Definitely looking forward to seeing where this arc goes.
Oh shoot! Her too?
You better watch yourself, Mac!
These hunters are genre savvy!
I feel like Redheart understands me. I work in customer service.
Redheart, I love you.
First Luna's 'more snappy comebacks' quote and now this? This story has the best dialogue I've seen in a while.
7047830 Dialogue heaven is full of sarcasm and casual, violent one-liners.
Does anyone else imagine iron will with either a giant broadsword lopping off the heads of undead or with a death machine style machine gun?
7079055 I imagine him with a broadsword, a double barrel shotgun, and a battle ax hidden in plain sight. Probably some boxing gloves with spikes similar to Knuckles from Sonic, but not focused in two places. I think he would have a concealed mace, but it would be his cleanest weapon.
People need to pay more attention to this line. I love it.
I knew cigarettes were toxic, but HOW THE FUCK DO PEOPLE NOT DROP DEAD ON SMOKING THEM?! This is why I stick to chocolate.
7079055 I imagine him with the knifethrower ftlrom saints row 4
vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/saintsrow/images/d/da/Knifethrower_Upgrades.jpg/revision/latest/thumbnail-down/width/675/height/506
sorry it's not the best quality.
7337296 I want one.
Gg Redheart.
Also, Headcanon for this story: my OC would be perfect for that job as he has to deal with cold rooftops and seeing things from a distance a lot, cuz he's a sniper (again, in my headcanon for this story specifically.)
Well, they sorta do, it's just that they're faeries here.
You know, I blame all the stupid scare tactics (and not a little bit of cultural inertia) for the fact that kids still get into smoking.
Cigarettes are fucking disgusting. I know. I used to smoke. No one in their right mind would go "man, I love the way I stink, and I can't taste anything, and these things taste like shit and leave that flavor on my tongue for hours." If it weren't for certain societal pressures that keep them doing it long enough to get addicted, no one would get started smoking. Like peer pressure, and being a rebellious teenager.
For the love of all that is good, we should just be honest. Tell them what they're made of, what they taste like, even tell them the good things, like the calming effect of a good cigarette, or a great nic buzz (especially combined with a regular buzz), tell them what they do to people, and then let them have one. They're not gonna go "man that was smooth, I think I'll smoke another" they're gonna take a puff, be disgusted, possibly even vomit, and say "man I'm never gonna smoke cigarettes for as long as I live."
I'm gonna be completely honest with my kids about how I got into smoking, why I quit, and how even years later, if I get a whiff of a brand I used to like, or I watch someone smoking, that monkey crawls right into its comfy spot on my back.
Scaring kids didn't work on me twenty years ago and it doesn't fucking work now, it's a dumb idea and people should stop doing it. It's all the same bullshit as the "war on drugs."
What isn't a bad idea is this fic, I'm absolutely loving it!
Sorry about the rant, cigarettes (and how people try to prevent kids from getting into them) is just something I'm very passionate about.
"How do you keep from getting angry at your patients, Nurse Redheart?"
"That's my secret, Sunset. I'm always angry."
7702861 I hear you. I haven't picked up the smoking habit (I run so I kind of need my lungs uncompressed) but this is want my dad did with alcohol. Granted I acquired a taste for it, but I learn how to drink responsibility. Once you some making something edgy and just normal, that appeal to be different fades.
7303361
Seriously? I've never smoked chocolate before! I really have to try this at home!
What movie was Luna referring to?
Don't fuck with the nurse. She knows where to shoot to make it hurt the most,
Imagine that. Chrysalis is still a changeling.
three moons and 4th fireballs
Alright. I've been enjoying this throughout. But I lost it completely at the text message from Iron Will.
You magnificent bastard. I should be working on stories of my own.
Nice knowing ya... Well, we never did, so I guess that still stands.
The funny thing is that one of the chemicals that is most dangerous in cigarettes is actually sugar. When it gets burned and inhaled it turns into some nasty stuff that makes everything way, worse.
Ah good ol'Chryssie, wonder what her counterpart is up to in this world
I'll say
I have never heard of red heart being such a salty bad ass
Ok, I love this version of Redheart. Salty, bitter, and utterly hilarious and right about these types of jobs
Even if this is an old story and the fact that I refrain myself from the start, your humor are priceless and need to be highlighted.
11407538
Thank you!
"But not in, like, a maternal way."
Go Redheart! I guess you kind of have to be since flavor or other of crazy to do this job. Not to mention the vampire hunting one. Ba-dum-tish
Liking the thought behind things with Sunset, use the knowledge of threats in Equestria to anticipate possible threats here.
Also, contact Twilight and see if she can dig up a list of all the random magical beings, cursed artifacts, and just general annoyances that Star Swirl chucked through the mirror!
Also, so... is this Chryssi just a better actor, or did no one notice the changes in Spoiled Rich's personality? Or were they just glad she suddenly became less of an annoying %#&$-?