PinkiePieFox
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6810233 hehe, I've kinda been in a not writing mood lately, I don't know why.... I'm hoping to get out of my funk but its been hard... I am happy that you enjoyed the first chapter though.
6810449 Same, I just normally do it when I'm really really bored. Essentially, the last 2 chapters of Love's hunt are from boredom xD. (You should read it, it's pree cool)
6810567 I'll add it to my list lol
"I'm going to die," I said with a whimper
Rewrite:
"M-master, I-I will be a good breeding mare and will repay my debt to you," she bowed before me as I looked back at them, shocked by what is happening.
"You can't mean that," I said to her.
Derpy stood up tall nodding. "I have a debt to repay and I will do whatever it takes," she states firmly with a nod of her head.
I'll get back to going through it more vigorously. I'm at school and very very bored.
6823481 Thank you for point out the mistakes, I have corrected them. If you find any more I'll be glad to fix them. Also what did you think of the story thus far?
6824600 Brilliant (also by the way, this story is technically edited now.)
6824803
hehe oh yeah. fixed.
I hope Rainbow is on his list. She's not as clutzy as ditzy, but if Twilight's windows are any indicator, she doesn't seem to value other's property in her tricks. I can see her owing him quite a debt and not realising it
I just had a thought. Is it actually possible for him to get them pregnant? I mean they're anthros so maybe, but it seems like the more likely outcome would be that they are bound by the contract, but as they are unable to get pregnant, they would be enslaved to him until he dies.
6825866
6826035 Wonderful questions, we'll just have to wait and see how it turns out. It should be an interesting ride to see what happens in the end. And just between you and me, I don't think too far ahead in my chapters but I can tell you, I have a few ponies in mind.
6826035 At the moment the story could go one of two different ways... I'm still not entirely sure how I want to play it out but It would be really easy to do one or the other...
What's with the number on (I'm guessing) Dinky? Is her Cutie Mark meant to show her special talent is being the first of Derpy's kids?
6829983 As by the spell on the scroll the number indicates how many children one must have to fulfill a debt. That's all I'm going to say for now, Because there are two different ways I could take the story at this point and have yet to decided on which one I should choose, each one would create its own conflict for our human and the ponies around him.
6830044
That's actually what I first thought. However, as per what Twilight said, you need to agree to the process, don't you? So when did Dinky agree to any of that?
6830053 That question you'll have to wait until the next chapter to find out lol. At the moment that is where the story could go in different directions as I sad before in my earlier post.
6830082
Fine by me!
And, well... considering my own set of fetishes (femsub, maledom, bondage, etc.), I'm very interested in what direction it may take.
hmm there something odd here...
“When the law was wrote there was a spell placed upon it, when the indebted agrees to the terms of the law the magic will bind them together, making the indebted little more than property until the debt had been fulfilled death should occur, if that were to happen the debt would be transferred to the closest relative of the contractor, that would be you.” She said to me. “But considering you have no relatives in equestria I believe the contract would be concluded.”
i dont know why but that part is just odd or is it just me.....
6843868 Ah, yeah it's missing an OR, I fixed it, thank you for pointing that out...
6843904 no prob even thou its probably a minor thing as im the only one that noticed it...
6843930 Its cool, I missed it while writing it lol. I have a habit of thinking and what to write but it not being wrote out on the paper and then when I go back over it I'm like "Wait, where is my line I thought of? Oh my fingers decided not to put it in, ok then..."
Also my wireless keyboard likes to not pick up sometimes and words get jumbled and turn into a mess of two or three different words togeather or something.
Anyway, thank you again for pointing that out, it helps with the story and also helps me learn things, I like Grammer Nazis lol, I've learned so much from them.
I think I get why dinky has the mark. its because derpy said she didnt want her taken away so she got one too.
Dear god, I don't know weather to applaud the MC for his drunken meal or pity him; Derpy is gonna break a lot more stuff before her debt is paid.
6848758 *Laughs* More than likely, Just so long as the MC don't break things himself.... Oops did I say that out loud?
Don't really see how dinky got dragged into this but ok ...continue
A debt of a dozen foals ...
6984752 Yeah I haven't really got into the story as to WHY this happened... I need to write it but I've been kinda sick for the past two weeks and its killing my writing buzz. Also i've been lazy... But if I ever manage to write more things will be revealed...
Well then, I tried my best to find the errors. I even put them in chronological order. I enjoy this story, please keep it going!
my no longer picture window filling the room with a golden light.
*Knock Knock Knock* (These are generally used to show a sound or action around the web, optional)
“No Derpy, we are not going in through the window.”
I sit up as the banging becomes clearer; then my brain catches up with me, telling me that someone is at the door. “Y-yeah,” I cough, trying to speak with my parched throat. I manage to barely croak out a “Coming.”
to see a purple woman standing on my front porch. I groaned again.
Now it's not that I don't like the princess, it's just that, well, she can get a little invasive.
“May we come in?” Twilight asked, causing me to look back up at her and then slightly to her right, spotting a familiar grey pegasus woman with a blond mane standing next to her.
I stand there looking at the pegasus (optional)
Oh god, I’m going to jail, they'll throw away the (don't fear the apostrophe!) (also, English generally has a monotheistic God, like the Christian one, capitalized; probably optional)
Twilight spoke, causing me to nod slightly and step back into my home, opening the door wide for them to enter.
I took a deep breath and pulled myself up, holding my palm to my head for a moment to fight back my hangover before entering the kitchen.
Oh, I knew precisely what it was she wanted to speak to me about
Twilight's horn was aglow with magic as the kitchen table and chairs hovered up, then within moments were repaired. After that, Twilight sat down at the table with Derpy sitting down to/on her right.
Derpy's head was bowed, looking down at the table. Seeing this made my heart break inside while Twilight waved to me to sit. With a heavy sigh I took my place in front of them.
I flinched as if struck by her words.
I asked while looking at the table much like Derpy was; I was feeling horrible at what I had done; even though Twilight said I wasn't in trouble[(,)maybe] I still felt like I should be.
You see, back then the world was just coming into the era of the unification of the three pony races, and their were some ponies
Well[(,)maybe] it was not unheard of
To um, bear a foal for the one whom they owe a debt to.”
While I rubbed my neck with my hand, I just stared at Twilight completely flabbergasted. “A-a a.”
“I’ll do it, I will bear you as many foals as I need to (depends on which word you stress while reading, the second "to" is optional) to repay my debt to you” she sniffles. “J-just don’t take Dinky” She cried.
though she still sniffled lightly. (or) though still sniffling lightly.
The scroll glowed slightly with a white light that also coated Derpy and myself before fading away.
“What just happened?” I asked but Derpy was rubbing tears from her eyes.
to the closest relative of the contractor, the contractor being you.” (Just a little clarification)
calmed down as Twilight explained, while in a bit if shock, the number in question.
“I was not expecting the number to be so... big.” (Just kinda fits better) (or) “I was not expecting the number to be so big.”
I asked, a little shocked at everything that was happening so suddenly.
Twilight gave a firm nod as my head throbbed. I got up and walked
shocked by what was happening.
Derpy stood up tall, nodding. "I have a debt to repay and I will do whatever it takes," she states firmly with another nod of her head.
I opened my mouth, but not knowing what to say it closed and opened again but no words were forthcoming.
Twilight stood at the door as Derpy and I made our way over. At the door stood another mare with a royal twilight guard and a little filly.
Upon seeing Derpy, the filly in question (comma might be optional)
“Mommy look! I got my cutie mark!”
As she turned to the side to show everyone, my eyes grew wide, as emblazoned upon her hip was a large number 1. (comma might be optional)
Once again, I love the story. I hope my little look through helps.
I have one more edit for chapter 2.
Cloverman The Purple. Not Coverman.
Unless you meant someone that isn't me, if that's the case then I'm sorry for the wrong edit.
7257271 I fixed it.... lol XD.... Sorry about that, sometimes my fingers have a mind of their own....
7257311 It's all ok. Do you want me to go through chapter 1, btw?
7258798 If you want to, I would not mind. Thanks for the offer! :D
Sorry it took me so long to get to this. I'm a lazy bastard. And also sorry about the size. This was everything I could catch, in order. I hope it helps.
I sigh, “Finally paid it off…” I said dejectedly as I tossed the paper across the table and sat back in the chair. I took a drink of the whiskey in my hand and felt the burn go down.
I've been in Equestria for three years.
There is no light streaming through the windows; the only light in the room is from that of a candle sitting in the middle of the table.
It wouldn't be so bad if things would just… UGH!” (I don't know what the comma was there for, if he just stopped mid-thought at it then started another at the "just", then it might be ok)
I lift the bottle from the table pulling my arm back and... *SMASH*! (having the ellipsis there does matter a little bit. The * there are usually used to depict a sound or action)
“You're not supposed to make that sound until after I throw you.”
or
“You aren't supposed to make that sound until after I throw you.” (Contractions help simplify your work (Unless you want to artificially bump up the word count, maybe in a college paper *wink*))
“My bad,” I heard a voice say from the living room.
My eye twitches as I set the bottle down and I sprint into the living room.
Shattered glass litters the floor from the picture window that, well admittedly, was not much of a picture window,(this last comma might not be needed) being painted over just like every other window in my home.
The sunlight filling the room with its golden glow, I look around to find the couch flipped on its back, the couch itself is burned all over. (The "in areas" part seemed a bit off)
And then I see her, the gray pony woman sitting up, her eyes shifting around the room in a dizzying (or dizzied, depending on what you want it to mean) manner.
I speak slowly and firmly, causing the mare's ears to fold back against her head, as she looks down and away from me.
“I-I’m sorry.
“No! No more sorrys!” (Sorrys is fine, but sorries is also fine. I just wanted to inform you about the options)
I stomp around the room in a rage before turning towards her. I take her chin in my hand and glare at her in the eyes, (possibliy optional comma) causing her to whimper.
Derpy sniffles, tears entering her eyes as she whimpers out. “B-but I can't afford it (or have a - to show she's being cut off)”
I cut her off with a growl, causing her to pull away from me as she starts to cry.
I stare at her with a firm gaze and breath in and out; calming down from my drunken rage.
And then I get an idea. An awful idea. A wonderful, awful idea, and I grow a sly smile upon my lips. (I just felt like putting a Grinch reference in there, ignore it if you want)
“Cant pay? Well then, I guess I’ll just have to eat you.”
Derpy looks up at me with her large golden eyes, which for the first time I’ve ever seen, both focused upon me.
I felt that I might have been going a little too far, but only for about a fraction of a second, before that feeling was shoved down by the memories of just how much damage Derpy had managed to do to my property over my three years here.
Her tears flowing freely as I lead her over to the kitchen #table and make her lie upon it.
or
#table and forcefully lay her upon it. (Either of these work)
Derpy sniffles as she slowly gets up on the top of the scorched table, lying down on her back. Her legs hang over the edge of the table. (the last part was redundant)
I state as I walk over to the fridge, open it, then rummage around before pulling out a can and walk back over to Derpy.
Derpy closes her eyes and nods with a sob as I get to work. (I'm not too sure about this edit)
I take up the bottle, still on the table, and take another swig of its burning liquid. I get to work, setting the bottle on the floor and picking up the can, giving it a firm shake. (This was my favorite edit)
After a minute, Derpy was now covered in what appeared to be a whipped cream bikini.
I lick my lips as I pull up one of her legs and give her a gentle nibble on her ankle. This causes her to sniffle and crack one of her eyes open. When she does this I quickly open my mouth and move in quickly to her inner thigh, causing her to let out a squeak as I gently pinch her thigh with my canines. (Pinch just kinda made more sense if you he was closing his teeth on her)
I grin inwardly as I slowly move up her thigh, nibbling and biting at her tender flesh. Each scrape of my teeth or lick of the tongue causing her to flinch; still expecting the harsh sting of my canines as they tear away her flesh.
I move in closer, stopping just before my prize. I look up at Derpy, who opens her eyes, as I open my mouth and dive into the white whipped cream that covers her secret entrance.
I run my tongue up through the whipped cream, licking it up into my mouth, as I draw my muscle across and between her delicate petals; causing the mare to gasp from somewhere above me. This only motivates my liquored mind to push onwards, flicking the tip of my tongue across her pearl causing her to cry out.
Her flavor's sweet like blueberries but also balanced by a tartness, like a sour candy. Using my thumbs to pull her lips apart, I look into her pink tunnel. Derpy’s legs tremble as I dive into her inner depths, slathering my tongue over and between her lips, sliding deeper into her and flicking around.
I am blessed with a throaty moan from the mare as her back arches from the table, pushing herself into me as a spurt of tart, yet sweet nectar bursts into my mouth. This makes me reach up and, with a finger, begin flicking the pearl which causes the mare to cry out louder as her body goes into spasms as another gush of liquid explodes into my mouth.
I have to grab ahold of her hips with my arms as she bucks around riding out her orgasm; while gripping the edge of the table with my hands, the table gives out sending it and us crashing onto the floor.
I sit up, lick my lips, and look at the mare who is completely out of it. I smile as I try to stand, stumbling slightly and move into the living room. The room is spinning in my inebriated state, the sunlight blinding. Then I fall over upon the warm back of the overturned couch, closing my eyes and entering into a drunken stupor.
7389194 *Gives confused look*
Story is dead?
7535532 My stories die a lot... Sorry about that... I never have not been in the mood to write much of anything for the past year... It makes me sad because i love writing and reading but I just I've lot a lot of motivation...
7537175 But this story has such the potential for dirty naughty fun time! This guy must have a huge list of ponies that broke his home in some way or form over the time he has been there and he can make them either cough up the money to pay him for the repairs be stuck to bare his kids! Think of the potential!
7537182 I know right! Sooo much fun to be had.....
7537182 Just an update, I made a list of Ponies of Ponyville that I have ideas for that might work out for the story.... It should be interesting..... I just need motivation to write it lol....
7537315 I got a list of my own of those that might have damaged/destroyed his house/property:
Rainbow Dash: Obvious Reasons
Derpy: Obvious Reasons
Pinkie Pie: Appearing from random places which might have a hole under house to get in and out
Ponies on the Weather Team: Lightning bolts damaging the house, strong winds, harsh rain and other harsh weather
Cant think of any others :P
7537393 Oh I have quite the list... lol But thanks for the help... I did write a little on the next chapter but I dont feel like its very good. I might have to re-write it, re-read my later chapters and see if I can get back into the flow of things...
You need motivation to write the story? I'll try to help you. If you write the chapters, I'll check them for you. I enjoyed this work enough to come back to it.
Btw, I must've missed some the first time around.
You see, back when the world was just coming into the era of unification of the three pony tribes, there were ponies who would garner a debt another. To repay these debts they had to trade something of equal value.
To umm... bear foals for the one they owed the debt.
After a period of Twilight rubbing her back and me reassuring her that I would never take Dinky away from her, Derpy managed to calm down; she kept sniffling quietly though.
"When the law was written, a spell was put in place; when the indebted agrees to the terms of the law, the magic will bind them together. This makes the indebted little more than property until the debt has been repaid or death of the contractor, that's you, should occur. If the contractor were to die the debt would then be owed to their closest relative; but because you don't have any relatives in Equestria, I believe the contract would conclude."
or
When the law was written, a spell was put in place; when the indebted agrees to the terms of the law, the magic will bind them together. This makes the indebted little more than property until the debt has been repaid or a death should occur. Death of either party will cause the debt to be owed to or from the closest relative of the affected side. Because you have no relatives in Equestria, I believe this would conclude the contract.
7557419 Thank you! I've made the edits. You are most helpful...
When do we get chapter 2
7663649 You mean chapter three... XD... Also... I honestly have not done any writing...
I'm a bad auther and I should feel bad...
7664828 Yes chapter 3 :P, and yes, you are bad and should feel bad
7667286
Ya know, it's really disappointing that so little has been written over such a period of time. This is an interesting premise with a lot of potential. How will other ponies react to this situation? How will the relationship develop? Will the debt increase, or will some other pony break his stuff resulting in more slaves?
Also, you mention in the first chapter that Derpy was nude, but didn't have the pov character react, implying that nudity is normal for ponies. Such a thing should have been brought up here, pointing out that Twilight was nude and that the pov had to resist looking at her breasts, despite spending three years getting accustomed to the nudist society.
Again, really sad there isn't more.
dead story is dead
7797375 hehe sorry. Maybe someday I'll get back to it, but. I'm just a lazy person... XD.
7798705
Not ashamed to admit I've been waiting, following, and praying for another chapter The NEED is strong....