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6810233 hehe, I've kinda been in a not writing mood lately, I don't know why.... I'm hoping to get out of my funk but its been hard... I am happy that you enjoyed the first chapter though.

6810449 Same, I just normally do it when I'm really really bored. Essentially, the last 2 chapters of Love's hunt are from boredom xD. (You should read it, it's pree cool)

6810567 I'll add it to my list lol

Sorry it took me so long to get to this. I'm a lazy bastard. And also sorry about the size. This was everything I could catch, in order. I hope it helps.

I sigh, “Finally paid it off…” I said dejectedly as I tossed the paper across the table and sit back in the chair taking a drink of the whiskey in my hand feeling the burn as it went down.

I sigh, “Finally paid it off…” I said dejectedly as I tossed the paper across the table and sat back in the chair. I took a drink of the whiskey in my hand and felt the burn go down.

It's been three years in Equestria.

I've been in Equestria for three years.

There is no light streaming through the windows, the only light in the room is from that of a candle sitting in the middle of the table.

There is no light streaming through the windows; the only light in the room is from that of a candle sitting in the middle of the table.

It wouldn't be so bad if things would, just… UGH!”

It wouldn't be so bad if things would just… UGH!” (I don't know what the comma was there for, if he just stopped mid-thought at it then started another at the "just", then it might be ok)

I lift the bottle from the table pulling my arm back and. SMASH!

I lift the bottle from the table pulling my arm back and... *SMASH*! (having the ellipsis there does matter a little bit. The * there are usually used to depict a sound or action)

“You are not supposed to make that sound until after I throw you.”

“You're not supposed to make that sound until after I throw you.”
or
“You aren't supposed to make that sound until after I throw you.” (Contractions help simplify your work (Unless you want to artificially bump up the word count, maybe in a college paper *wink*))

“My bad” I heard a voice say from the living room.

“My bad,” I heard a voice say from the living room.

My eye twitches as I sit the bottle down and I sprint into the living room.

My eye twitches as I set the bottle down and I sprint into the living room.

Shattered glass litters the floor from the picture window that, well admittedly it was not much of a picture window, being painted over just like every other window in my home.

Shattered glass litters the floor from the picture window that, well admittedly, was not much of a picture window,(this last comma might not be needed) being painted over just like every other window in my home.

The sunlight filling the room with its golden glow, I looked around to find the coach flipped on its back, the couch itself is burned in areas.

The sunlight filling the room with its golden glow, I look around to find the couch flipped on its back, the couch itself is burned all over. (The "in areas" part seemed a bit off)

And then I spot her, the gray pony woman who sits up her eyes shifting around the room in a dizzying manner.

And then I see her, the gray pony woman sitting up, her eyes shifting around the room in a dizzying (or dizzied, depending on what you want it to mean) manner.

I speak slowly and firmly causing the mare's ears to fold back against her head as she looks down and away from me.

I speak slowly and firmly, causing the mare's ears to fold back against her head, as she looks down and away from me.

“I-i’m sorry.

“I-I’m sorry.

“No! No more sorrys!” (Sorrys is fine, but sorries is also fine. I just wanted to inform you about the options)

I stomp around the room in a rage before turning towards her taking her chin in my hand and staring her in the eyes causing her to whimper.

I stomp around the room in a rage before turning towards her. I take her chin in my hand and glare at her in the eyes, (possibliy optional comma) causing her to whimper.

Derpy sniffles tears entering her eyes as she whimpers out. “B-but I can't afford”

Derpy sniffles, tears entering her eyes as she whimpers out. “B-but I can't afford it (or have a - to show she's being cut off)”

I cut her off with a growl causing her to pull away from me as she starts to cry.

I cut her off with a growl, causing her to pull away from me as she starts to cry.

I stare at her with a firm gaze and breath in and out calming down from my drunken rage.

I stare at her with a firm gaze and breath in and out; calming down from my drunken rage.

And then a thought occurred to me, and I get a sly smile upon my lips.

And then I get an idea. An awful idea. A wonderful, awful idea, and I grow a sly smile upon my lips. (I just felt like putting a Grinch reference in there, ignore it if you want)

“Cant pay, well then. I guess I’ll just have to eat you.”

“Cant pay? Well then, I guess I’ll just have to eat you.”

Derpy looks up at me with her large golden eyes which for the first time I’ve ever seen both focused upon me.

Derpy looks up at me with her large golden eyes, which for the first time I’ve ever seen, both focused upon me.

I felt that I might have been going a little too far, for about a fraction of a second before it was shoved down behind the memories of just how much damage Derpy had managed to do to my property over the three years here.

I felt that I might have been going a little too far, but only for about a fraction of a second, before that feeling was shoved down by the memories of just how much damage Derpy had managed to do to my property over my three years here.

Her tears flowing freely as I lead her over to the kitchen table and demand to lay upon it.

Her tears flowing freely as I lead her over to the kitchen #table and make her lie upon it.
or
#table and forcefully lay her upon it. (Either of these work)

Derpy sniffles as she slowly gets up on the top of the scorched table laying down on her back. Her legs hanging over the edge of the table as she lays there.

Derpy sniffles as she slowly gets up on the top of the scorched table, lying down on her back. Her legs hang over the edge of the table. (the last part was redundant)

I state as I walk over to the fridge opening the door to it and rummaging around within before pulling out a can and walking back over to Derpy.

I state as I walk over to the fridge, open it, then rummage around before pulling out a can and walk back over to Derpy.

Derpy closes her eyes but nods with a sob as I set to work.

Derpy closes her eyes and nods with a sob as I get to work. (I'm not too sure about this edit)

I take up the bottle still on the table and take another swig of its burning liquid and sitting it in the floor and picking up the can giving it a firm shake as I set to work.

I take up the bottle, still on the table, and take another swig of its burning liquid. I get to work, setting the bottle on the floor and picking up the can, giving it a firm shake. (This was my favorite edit)

After a minute derpy was now covered in what appeared to be a whip cream bikini.

After a minute, Derpy was now covered in what appeared to be a whipped cream bikini.

I lick my lips as I pull up one of her legs and give her a gentle nibble on her ankle causing her to sniffle and crack one of her eyes open, when she does this I quickly open my mouth and move in quickly into her inner thigh causing her to let out a squeak as I gently poke her thigh with my canines.

I lick my lips as I pull up one of her legs and give her a gentle nibble on her ankle. This causes her to sniffle and crack one of her eyes open. When she does this I quickly open my mouth and move in quickly to her inner thigh, causing her to let out a squeak as I gently pinch her thigh with my canines. (Pinch just kinda made more sense if you he was closing his teeth on her)

I grin inwardly as I slowly move up her thigh nibbling and biting at her tender flesh, each scrape of my teeth or lick of the tongue causing her to flinch still expecting the harsh sting of my canines as they tear away her flesh.

I grin inwardly as I slowly move up her thigh, nibbling and biting at her tender flesh. Each scrape of my teeth or lick of the tongue causing her to flinch; still expecting the harsh sting of my canines as they tear away her flesh.

I move in closer stopping just before my prize, I look up at Derpy who opens her eyes as I open my mouth diving into the white whipping cream that covers her secret entrance.

I move in closer, stopping just before my prize. I look up at Derpy, who opens her eyes, as I open my mouth and dive into the white whipped cream that covers her secret entrance.

I run my tongue up through the whipped cream licking it up into my mouth as I draw my muscle across and between her delicate petals causing the mare to gasp from somewhere above me which only motivates my liquored mind to push onwards flicking the tip of my tongue across her pearl causing her to cry out.

I run my tongue up through the whipped cream, licking it up into my mouth, as I draw my muscle across and between her delicate petals; causing the mare to gasp from somewhere above me. This only motivates my liquored mind to push onwards, flicking the tip of my tongue across her pearl causing her to cry out.

Her flavor was sweet like blueberries but also kinda tart like a sour candy. Using my thumbs to pull her lips apart looking into her pink tunnel, Derpy’s legs trembling as I dive into her inner depths slathering my tongue over and between her lips sliding deeper into her and flicking around.

Her flavor's sweet like blueberries but also balanced by a tartness, like a sour candy. Using my thumbs to pull her lips apart, I look into her pink tunnel. Derpy’s legs tremble as I dive into her inner depths, slathering my tongue over and between her lips, sliding deeper into her and flicking around.

I am blessed with a throaty moan from the mare as her back arches from the table forcing my face into her as a spurt of tart, yet sweet nectar bursts into my mouth causing me to reach up and with a finger begin flicking the pearl which causes the mare to cry out louder as her body goes into spasms as another gush of liquid explodes into my mouth.

I am blessed with a throaty moan from the mare as her back arches from the table, pushing herself into me as a spurt of tart, yet sweet nectar bursts into my mouth. This makes me reach up and, with a finger, begin flicking the pearl which causes the mare to cry out louder as her body goes into spasms as another gush of liquid explodes into my mouth.

I have to grab ahold of her hips with my arms as she bucks around riding out her orgasm while gripping the edge of the table and then the table gives out sending it and us crashing into the floor.

I have to grab ahold of her hips with my arms as she bucks around riding out her orgasm; while gripping the edge of the table with my hands, the table gives out sending it and us crashing onto the floor.

I sit up licking my lips looking at the mare who is completely out of it. I smile as I try to stand, stumbling slightly and moving through into the living room. The room spins in my inebriated state, the sunlight blinding and then I fall over upon the warm couch closing my eyes and entering into a drunken stupor.

I sit up, lick my lips, and look at the mare who is completely out of it. I smile as I try to stand, stumbling slightly and move into the living room. The room is spinning in my inebriated state, the sunlight blinding. Then I fall over upon the warm back of the overturned couch, closing my eyes and entering into a drunken stupor.