I gulped. “I’m going to die.” I said with a whemper.

"I'm going to die," I said with a whimper

“M-master, I-i will be a good breeding mare and will repay my debt to you.” She bowed to me as I looked back at them shocked by what is happening.
“You can't mean that.” I said to her.
Derpy stood up tall nodding. “I have a debt to repay and I will do whatever it takes.” She states firmly with a nod of her head.

Rewrite:
"M-master, I-I will be a good breeding mare and will repay my debt to you," she bowed before me as I looked back at them, shocked by what is happening.
"You can't mean that," I said to her.
Derpy stood up tall nodding. "I have a debt to repay and I will do whatever it takes," she states firmly with a nod of her head.

I'll get back to going through it more vigorously. I'm at school and very very bored.

6823481 Thank you for point out the mistakes, I have corrected them. If you find any more I'll be glad to fix them. Also what did you think of the story thus far?

6824600 Brilliant (also by the way, this story is technically edited now.)

6824803 hehe oh yeah. fixed.

I hope Rainbow is on his list. She's not as clutzy as ditzy, but if Twilight's windows are any indicator, she doesn't seem to value other's property in her tricks. I can see her owing him quite a debt and not realising it

I just had a thought. Is it actually possible for him to get them pregnant? I mean they're anthros so maybe, but it seems like the more likely outcome would be that they are bound by the contract, but as they are unable to get pregnant, they would be enslaved to him until he dies.

6825866
6826035 Wonderful questions, we'll just have to wait and see how it turns out. It should be an interesting ride to see what happens in the end. And just between you and me, I don't think too far ahead in my chapters but I can tell you, I have a few ponies in mind.

6826035 At the moment the story could go one of two different ways... I'm still not entirely sure how I want to play it out but It would be really easy to do one or the other...

What's with the number on (I'm guessing) Dinky? Is her Cutie Mark meant to show her special talent is being the first of Derpy's kids?

6829983 As by the spell on the scroll the number indicates how many children one must have to fulfill a debt. That's all I'm going to say for now, Because there are two different ways I could take the story at this point and have yet to decided on which one I should choose, each one would create its own conflict for our human and the ponies around him.

6830044
That's actually what I first thought. However, as per what Twilight said, you need to agree to the process, don't you? So when did Dinky agree to any of that?

6830053 That question you'll have to wait until the next chapter to find out lol. At the moment that is where the story could go in different directions as I sad before in my earlier post.

6830082
Fine by me!

And, well... considering my own set of fetishes (femsub, maledom, bondage, etc.), I'm very interested in what direction it may take.

hmm there something odd here...

“When the law was wrote there was a spell placed upon it, when the indebted agrees to the terms of the law the magic will bind them together, making the indebted little more than property until the debt had been fulfilled death should occur, if that were to happen the debt would be transferred to the closest relative of the contractor, that would be you.” She said to me. “But considering you have no relatives in equestria I believe the contract would be concluded.”

i dont know why but that part is just odd or is it just me.....

6843868 Ah, yeah it's missing an OR, I fixed it, thank you for pointing that out...

6843904 no prob even thou its probably a minor thing as im the only one that noticed it...

6843930 Its cool, I missed it while writing it lol. I have a habit of thinking and what to write but it not being wrote out on the paper and then when I go back over it I'm like "Wait, where is my line I thought of? Oh my fingers decided not to put it in, ok then..."

Also my wireless keyboard likes to not pick up sometimes and words get jumbled and turn into a mess of two or three different words togeather or something.

Anyway, thank you again for pointing that out, it helps with the story and also helps me learn things, I like Grammer Nazis lol, I've learned so much from them.

I think I get why dinky has the mark. its because derpy said she didnt want her taken away so she got one too.

Dear god, I don't know weather to applaud the MC for his drunken meal or pity him; Derpy is gonna break a lot more stuff before her debt is paid.

6848758 *Laughs* More than likely, Just so long as the MC don't break things himself.... Oops did I say that out loud?

Don't really see how dinky got dragged into this but ok ...continue
A debt of a dozen foals ...

6984752 Yeah I haven't really got into the story as to WHY this happened... I need to write it but I've been kinda sick for the past two weeks and its killing my writing buzz. Also i've been lazy... But if I ever manage to write more things will be revealed...

Well then, I tried my best to find the errors. I even put them in chronological order. I enjoy this story, please keep it going!

my no longer picture window feeling the room with a golden light.

my no longer picture window filling the room with a golden light.

Knock, Knock, Knock.

*Knock Knock Knock* (These are generally used to show a sound or action around the web, optional)

“No Derpy we are not going in through the window.”

“No Derpy, we are not going in through the window.”

I sit up as the banging becomes clear, and them my brain catches up with me telling me that someone is at the door. “Y-yeah,” I cough trying to speak with my parched throat I manage to barely manage to croak out a, “Coming.”

I sit up as the banging becomes clearer; then my brain catches up with me, telling me that someone is at the door. “Y-yeah,” I cough, trying to speak with my parched throat. I manage to barely croak out a “Coming.”

to see a purple woman standing on my front porch, I groaned again.

to see a purple woman standing on my front porch. I groaned again.

Now it's not that I don't like the princess it's just, well, she can get a little invasive.

Now it's not that I don't like the princess, it's just that, well, she can get a little invasive.

“May we come in?” Twilight asked causing me to look back up at her and then to her slight right spotting a familiar grey pegasus woman with a blond mane standing next to her.

“May we come in?” Twilight asked, causing me to look back up at her and then slightly to her right, spotting a familiar grey pegasus woman with a blond mane standing next to her.

I stand looking at the pegasus

I stand there looking at the pegasus (optional)

Oh god, I’m going to jail, they will throw away the

Oh god, I’m going to jail, they'll throw away the (don't fear the apostrophe!) (also, English generally has a monotheistic God, like the Christian one, capitalized; probably optional)

Twilight spoke causing me to nod slightly and step back into my home opening the door wide for them to enter.

Twilight spoke, causing me to nod slightly and step back into my home, opening the door wide for them to enter.

I took a deep breath and pulled myself up holding my palm to my head for a moment to fight back against my hangover before entering the kitchen.

I took a deep breath and pulled myself up, holding my palm to my head for a moment to fight back my hangover before entering the kitchen.

Oh I knew precisely what it was she wanted to speak to me about

Oh, I knew precisely what it was she wanted to speak to me about

Twilight's horn was aglow with light as the kitchen table and chairs hovered up and within moments repaired themselves, after that Twilight sit down at the table Derpy sat down at her right.

Twilight's horn was aglow with magic as the kitchen table and chairs hovered up, then within moments were repaired. After that, Twilight sat down at the table with Derpy sitting down to/on her right.

Derpies head was in a bow looking at the table my heart broke inside Twilight waved me to sit and with a heavy sigh I took my place in front of them.

Derpy's head was bowed, looking down at the table. Seeing this made my heart break inside while Twilight waved to me to sit. With a heavy sigh I took my place in front of them.

I flenched as if being struck by her words.

I flinched as if struck by her words.

I asked while looking at the table much like Derpy was doing, I was feeling horrible at what I had done and even though Twilight said I was not in trouble I still felt like I should be.

I asked while looking at the table much like Derpy was; I was feeling horrible at what I had done; even though Twilight said I wasn't in trouble[(,)maybe] I still felt like I should be.

You see back then the world was just coming into the unification of the three pony races, and their was some ponies

You see, back then the world was just coming into the era of the unification of the three pony races, and their were some ponies

Well it was not unheard for

Well[(,)maybe] it was not unheard of

To um, bere a foal for the one whom they owe a debt to.”

To um, bear a foal for the one whom they owe a debt to.”

While I rubbed my neck with my hand. I just stared at Twilight completely flabbergasted. “A-a a.”

While I rubbed my neck with my hand, I just stared at Twilight completely flabbergasted. “A-a a.”

“I’ll do it, I will bere you as many foals as I need to to repay my debt to you.” She sniffles. “J-just don’t take Dinky.” She cries.

“I’ll do it, I will bear you as many foals as I need to (depends on which word you stress while reading, the second "to" is optional) to repay my debt to you” she sniffles. “J-just don’t take Dinky” She cried.

that I would never take Dinky away from her she managed to calm back down, though still sniffled lightly.”

though she still sniffled lightly. (or) though still sniffling lightly.

The scroll glowed slightly with a white light that also coated over Derpy and myself before fading away.

The scroll glowed slightly with a white light that also coated Derpy and myself before fading away.

“What just happened?” I asked but derpy was rubbing her eyes of tears.

“What just happened?” I asked but Derpy was rubbing tears from her eyes.

to the closest relative of the contractor, that would be you.”

to the closest relative of the contractor, the contractor being you.” (Just a little clarification)

calmed down as Twilight explained a little in shock at the number in question.

calmed down as Twilight explained, while in a bit if shock, the number in question.

“I was not expecting the number to be so, big.”

“I was not expecting the number to be so... big.” (Just kinda fits better) (or) “I was not expecting the number to be so big.”

I asked a little shocked at everything that was happening so suddenly.

I asked, a little shocked at everything that was happening so suddenly.

Twilight give a firm nod as my head throbbed, I got up and walked

Twilight gave a firm nod as my head throbbed. I got up and walked

shocked by what is happening.

shocked by what was happening.

Derpy stood up tall nodding. "I have a debt to repay and I will do whatever it takes," she states firmly with a nod of her head.

Derpy stood up tall, nodding. "I have a debt to repay and I will do whatever it takes," she states firmly with another nod of her head.

I opened my mouth not knowing what to say, It closed and opened again but no words was forthcoming.

I opened my mouth, but not knowing what to say it closed and opened again but no words were forthcoming.

Twilight stood at the door as me and Derpy made our way over, at the door another mare stood with a royal twilight guard and a little filly.

Twilight stood at the door as Derpy and I made our way over. At the door stood another mare with a royal twilight guard and a little filly.

Upon seeing Derpy the Filly in question

Upon seeing Derpy, the filly in question (comma might be optional)

“Mommy look I got my cutie mark!”

“Mommy look! I got my cutie mark!”

Turning to the side to show everyone, my eyes grew wide as emblazoned upon her hip was a large number 1.

As she turned to the side to show everyone, my eyes grew wide, as emblazoned upon her hip was a large number 1. (comma might be optional)

Once again, I love the story. I hope my little look through helps.

I have one more edit for chapter 2.

Edited: Thanks "Coverman The Purple" for pointing them out to me!

Cloverman The Purple. Not Coverman.

Unless you meant someone that isn't me, if that's the case then I'm sorry for the wrong edit.

7257271 I fixed it.... lol XD.... Sorry about that, sometimes my fingers have a mind of their own....

7257311 It's all ok. Do you want me to go through chapter 1, btw?

7258798 If you want to, I would not mind. Thanks for the offer! :D

7389194 *Gives confused look*

Story is dead?

7535532 My stories die a lot... Sorry about that... I never have not been in the mood to write much of anything for the past year... It makes me sad because i love writing and reading but I just I've lot a lot of motivation...

7537175 But this story has such the potential for dirty naughty fun time! This guy must have a huge list of ponies that broke his home in some way or form over the time he has been there and he can make them either cough up the money to pay him for the repairs be stuck to bare his kids! Think of the potential!

7537182 I know right! Sooo much fun to be had.....

7537182 Just an update, I made a list of Ponies of Ponyville that I have ideas for that might work out for the story.... It should be interesting..... I just need motivation to write it lol....

7537315 I got a list of my own of those that might have damaged/destroyed his house/property:
Rainbow Dash: Obvious Reasons
Derpy: Obvious Reasons
Pinkie Pie: Appearing from random places which might have a hole under house to get in and out
Ponies on the Weather Team: Lightning bolts damaging the house, strong winds, harsh rain and other harsh weather
Cant think of any others :P

7537393 Oh I have quite the list... lol But thanks for the help... I did write a little on the next chapter but I dont feel like its very good. I might have to re-write it, re-read my later chapters and see if I can get back into the flow of things...

You need motivation to write the story? I'll try to help you. If you write the chapters, I'll check them for you. I enjoyed this work enough to come back to it.
Btw, I must've missed some the first time around.

You see, back then the world was just coming into the era of the unification of the three pony races, and their were some ponies races, and their was some ponies that would garner a debt to others, so to repay these debts they had to trade something of equal value to pay it off.

You see, back when the world was just coming into the era of unification of the three pony tribes, there were ponies who would garner a debt another. To repay these debts they had to trade something of equal value.

To um, bear a foal for the one whom they owe a debt to.

To umm... bear foals for the one they owed the debt.

After a little while of Twilight rubbing Derpy’s back to calm her down and me reassuring that I would never take Dinky away from her she managed to calm back down, though still sniffling lightly.”

After a period of Twilight rubbing her back and me reassuring her that I would never take Dinky away from her, Derpy managed to calm down; she kept sniffling quietly though.

“When the law was wrote there was a spell placed upon it, when the indebted agrees to the terms of the law the magic will bind them together, making the indebted little more than property until the debt had been fulfilled or death should occur, if that were to happen the debt would be transferred to the closest relative of the contractor, the contractor being you.” She said to me. “But considering you have no relatives in Equestria I believe the contract would be concluded.”

"When the law was written, a spell was put in place; when the indebted agrees to the terms of the law, the magic will bind them together. This makes the indebted little more than property until the debt has been repaid or death of the contractor, that's you, should occur. If the contractor were to die the debt would then be owed to their closest relative; but because you don't have any relatives in Equestria, I believe the contract would conclude."

or

When the law was written, a spell was put in place; when the indebted agrees to the terms of the law, the magic will bind them together. This makes the indebted little more than property until the debt has been repaid or a death should occur. Death of either party will cause the debt to be owed to or from the closest relative of the affected side. Because you have no relatives in Equestria, I believe this would conclude the contract.

7557419 Thank you! I've made the edits. You are most helpful...

When do we get chapter 2

7663649 You mean chapter three... XD... Also... I honestly have not done any writing... I'm a bad auther and I should feel bad...

7664828 Yes chapter 3 :P, and yes, you are bad and should feel bad

7667286

Ya know, it's really disappointing that so little has been written over such a period of time. This is an interesting premise with a lot of potential. How will other ponies react to this situation? How will the relationship develop? Will the debt increase, or will some other pony break his stuff resulting in more slaves?
Also, you mention in the first chapter that Derpy was nude, but didn't have the pov character react, implying that nudity is normal for ponies. Such a thing should have been brought up here, pointing out that Twilight was nude and that the pov had to resist looking at her breasts, despite spending three years getting accustomed to the nudist society.
Again, really sad there isn't more.

dead story is dead

7797375 hehe sorry. Maybe someday I'll get back to it, but. I'm just a lazy person... XD.

7798705
Not ashamed to admit I've been waiting, following, and praying for another chapter The NEED is strong....

8505105
Thank you....

8505175
no problem i can't wait to see whats next tho i understand if you lose interest (please don't) and i'll respect your choice if you abandon this story not gonna lie i will be sad anyway have a great day man

8505422
Thanks, Sadly my writing comes in sperts and when I stop at the end of the day I sometimes just don't get back into it the next day, week, month XD....... ect

8505543
it's cool i'll keep waiting you go at your own pace i understand you have a life and the last thing i want to do is rush a good thing stay safe and have a good one

8505543
Hey there! This was interesting, thanks for leavin' us hanging like that! I'm joking, of course. Any chance for an update though?