• Member Since 22nd Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen May 22nd



To everypony, the night sky is a beautiful sight to behold. On one night however, Star Shadow saw only sorrow in the sky. On a lonely night such as this will the stars move deeper towards sorrow or will something change its direction ?

(I plan on this only being a few chapters long. This is my frist story i've wrote in a very long time. And my first Fan Fiction ever. So please do enjoy it! Also, I love feedback. As I am new at this and very rusty anything positive will help greatly. Thank You!)

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 29 )

I hate to see stories given so many down votes. I think most of your problem is with mechanical errors rather than the story itself. The biggest issues I noted were some capitalizations out of place, an odd spelling error or two, and a lot of punctuation. Since you said this was a practice run to get back into writing and that you were rusty, these are entirely excusable. Sometimes it is best to break a sentence up into several separate sentences instead of relying on commas to keep it together. That was the main distractor for me. If you could polish that up, this would turn into a marvelous story. As it is, I enjoy the idea. Keep at it and good luck in your further projects! :rainbowdetermined2:

“Luna… I swear to me…

Also, I lol'ed at this. :rainbowlaugh::trollestia:

4235676 Thank you Puzzle Piece for your replay! :pinkiehappy:

I'll have to go back though and see what I can do to make the first two chapters a better read later on... As of right now I think I mite get back into the story. If I can. Its been sevreal months since i've wrote my last chapter.

I to was highly discuraged by the fact that all of my hard work got so much negitive attention. It is mainly why I ended up stopping for a while.

I will see what I can do to further my writing and get better at it. I have never been very good at Spelling or Puntuation. English is my native tounge but it does not mean I'm good at it lol...

I have stories flowing about within my mind. Not all of them will be good but I'll try to get them out there for others to enjoy all the same.

Thanks again for your replay it really does mean a lost to me. :pinkiehappy:

4235676 It's basically what he said, a bit of grammatical errors, wrong uses of capital letters, and the infamous to/too.
It's somewhat difficult to be a critic, especially because I'm too forgiving and usually biased towards my friends :derpytongue2:

Another thing, about Stars' friend Two Scoops.. I think you described him way too early up there. Why's this bad? The gap between his introduction as someone who simply alerted Star of his Cutie Mark and when he's actually used as a character is considerable. Made me (at least) think "Who is this guy? Are you going to use him still? So far not... But why did you even bother to describe him?" :rainbowhuh:

It might just be me, but I think this line is... off? Think it's the missing quotation mark :facehoof:
“This is not a,” Luna lifts her hooves into the air and flexes them downwards as if quoting the word. “Prank” dear sister, we have a problem with my night sky…

Overall, this is a damn (censor that? :twilightblush: ) good beginning, the story is interesting needless to say :pinkiehappy: Definitely got me hooked. Deep :raritywink:
And it's a good reminder for us, that the Princesses are living-beings as well, and they're more like Cadance in the castle.

I listed some of the mistakes (only the ones I have noticed, and the line mentioned above is not included), please fix them:
- the full moon shining brightly overhead, It was
- It give him great strain
- to speak too though
- , Are
- And some Coffee-
- I just need to get rid of his dizzy spell
Note: Use ctrl+F to locate them, just in case.

And one more thing, Man, are you all right? Here. The use of 'man' is awkward in pony fics lol..

By the way, I listened to this while reading: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Zm91n76dfA
I know, the music is short. But it's beautiful, and you won't find it bad when you'll replay it over and over again! :pinkiesmile:

4250992 Wow, This is good info.. I'll have to look over it later, most likley this weekend and try to fix some of the errors and things...

Thanks again man! Your post really helps me out a lot and so does others :pinkiehappy:

Now that I am getting replays I mite just get back into this and see what I can do for more chapters. It mite still be a bit but I'm hoping to have atleast another chapter. I had never plained on this story to be that long to begin with but it was most enjoyable to create.

PS: That Music... Awesome!

4237513 I won't bother fixing your comment, just this: Reply :pinkiesick:

Okay, "How's chapter 2?" you might ask.
Well, it's good, just like what I expected. But that's it, didn't go beyond my expectation. Still hooked though! :twilightsmile:

I can find even more grammatical errors and wrong uses of letter capitalization. Please, remember that stories must be written in past tense. I believe something is off in the first sentence: Two hours went by before Star Shadow had gotten over his sick spell.

Now, just like what I did with my previous comment-review, I will list the errors you made :fluttershysad: So, here we go:
1. Capitalization:
- the Doctors (Whooves much? Also, use "a" instead of "the". And please don't say "a doctors"...)
- the Ice Cream shop (Just like the mistake you made up there, use "a" instead of "the". You can only use it if you had mentioned that the ice cream shop is their workplace)
- The Mares
- Hearts and Hooves day, It was only
- begin serving Ice Cream (Damn Fox, are those Ice Creams trademarked? :rainbowlaugh: )
- served the Ice Cream and (...they are?)
- to spot a Green Filly
- “One Vanilla Ice Cream if you will Scoops!” (Great, now I can't make Ice Creams 'cause they're trademarked)
- where the Vanilla lay (Right..)
- The Moon (Uh.. Were you referring to Luna? :rainbowwild: )

2. Punctuation (I didn't pay too much attention for these as I have difficulties with them as well):
- last night move the stars? (Where's the coma?)
- and, he would grab a cone
- wore himself, out
- “Came a squeaky voice (Oh Celestia, did you break your Space Bar? :fluttercry: )
- Sorry about my friend, he gets a little… Hyper at work. How might I help you young lady? (Mr. Q. Mark went to the toilet)

3. Grammatical (And others):
- they give him
- Dude I never seen (Insert "have" between "I" and "never")
- He looks (He looked)
- the mares (Don't use "a" or "the", because there's more than one of them and you're not referring to a character)
- Star Shadow just shook his head and entered into the shop (The use of "the" isn't wrong here, but you should have mentioned that the ice cream shop was their workplace. You must.)
- we was
- ponies entered into the
- into the awaiting cup (Use "waiting" instead)
- Where do you
- You know darlin… (Applejack much?)
- “VANELLA!” (Intentional?)
- to make sure it did not fall (Okay, maybe enough past tense :twilightblush: )
- stallion give me (Never mind)
- They eat the food
- hanging high overhead of his home (Can't tell the mistake here :applejackunsure: )
- moons rays ( :ajbemused: )

Okay, Fox, what was going on there? What's with the downgrade? There's a lot of errors here..

But please look at the bright side, the story is not bad at all. Just fix your mistakes, and learn from it! :twilightsmile:
Also, now I understand why you named him Two Scoops. You smart bastard! :yay:

CAN'T WAIT FOR THE THIRD!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJneTwffqsY :twilightblush:

EDIT: Dear Celestia, that was one heck of a comment.. :pinkiesad2:

I'm seeing massive improvements here. Be careful with Apple Bloom's accent however. It seemed a bit off.
On the other hand, this just got serious. Star seems to be taking some of Luna's duties upon himself. If she finds out, will she be upset? :twilightoops: Could this mean that he is in a position to take over her job? :rainbowderp: Or is it some deeper mystery my mind has not yet fathomed?! :pinkiegasp:
The suspense builds! :raritystarry:

4308945 Oh I have a few thoughts. You will just have to wait and see...

Its gonna be strange, perhaps others will not understand it. Heck right now I dont even understand it! But it should be an intersting ride and I hope you enjoy it! :pinkiehappy:

I gotta disagree with you saying that stories MUST be written in past tense. The Hunger Games for example is written in present tense and still kicks ass.

[Add to read later list]

4383199 :pinkiegasp::pinkiehappy: Thanks! I'm plaining on reading the last chapter I wrote and then writing some more on it today...

I've been slacking a bit lately... And I think if I do everything right then their will only be... Three more chapters? But who knows lol... This story has already gone beyond what I first thought...

But I'll be sure to start working on Chapter 4 soon... :pinkiehappy:

Hi, I thought I'd come and give this a read. So far it's looking very interesting. I'm looking forward to the later chapters.

I expect you'll continue to improving your writing and I could see this story continuing for quit a bit.

If you don't mind, I'd like to just point out some things I saw in this chapter.

made his way to Scoops room,

His name already ends in an 's' so make it a possessive you would say: Scoops' room.

Scoops blinked a few times until his eyes adjusts to the moonlight shining into them.

You're mixing past and present tense here.
Don't you mean:
Scoops blinked a few times until his eyes adjusted...

However, she could not accept it because it was not her who made the heart-shaped stars.


And over past few days she had wondered about who...

*over the past

Luna nodded slowly and Celestia nuzzles her sibling.


Though most of his life he had dreams like...


of the other stars near it seemed to was slightly pink in colour.

I'm not sure about this one.
It's either:
> Seemed slightly pink in colour.
> seemed to be slightly pink in colour.

He had a calm smile on his face as he sit the filly back down.


Star smiled at her, while messing her mane with his hoof, as he stood and walked over to the jars, and with his aura, he opened it, using his magic took some of the contents out of the jar and ate it.

This sentence is far too long. I can see what you're trying to do here but it should be broken up. There are actually three actions here so there would rather be three sentences.

Star smiled at her while messing up her mane with his hoof. He stood and walked over to the jars, and opened one with his aura. Using his magic, he took some of the contents out and ate it.

Here you can see with the shorter sentences the grammar is easier to manage and the reader can follow it a bit better.

he used a nearby stick to fish some apple butter from the jar and ate it.

Yeah, there is a name for this but I can't properly remember it.
Here 'it' could refer to three things, the stick, the jar, or the butter.

'Fishing out' and 'eating' are both being applied to the same thing (the butter) so they could be combined into one fluid motion. Then the object they are acting upon (the butter) will fit in nicely after it.

he used a stick to fish out and eat some apple butter from the jar.

So anyway good luck with the next chapter/s. I hope to see them soon. :twilightsmile:


4409369 This right here is what I love to see!

INFO! Love it! I have a few chapters that i need to edit... And yes the first three chapters are a bit weaker then the rest. Chapter three happens to be my best one thus far, Or is it chaper 4? Hmm... I cant remember.

My friends and editers that help me with chapters have been busy with life so I'm having to deal with things myself. Learning as I go long...

So this help you have given me is really awesome :pinkiehappy:

Thanks for that!

I've made some edited that you have pointed out to me and I hope that it helps with reading the chapter.

I'll gladly take helpful advice and use it when I can. :pinkiehappy:

Yay, glad I could help.

Just looking through it again it looks better, although.

...while with one fluid motion he used a stick to fish out and eat some apple butter from the jar

I didn't really mean quite literally, but if you like it that way who am I to object.
Just make sure you remember your full stop at the end. :twilightsmile:

Sorry, I'll stop being a grammar nazi. :unsuresweetie:

So let me know if you need help editing/proof reading those chapters. :twilightblush:


4409594 Please dont stop being a Grammer Nazi! Grammer Nazis' teach me things!

Well, this has been on my [Read Later] like a week or so.
Finally I took a look at this :pinkiehappy:
The first episode is going great so far.
Some mistakes that I saw:

“STAR!” Cried the save voice as before though louder, caught his attention.

“STAR!” Cried the same voice as before though louder, this caught Star Shadow attention.

*Star Shadow Present Time*

/||~~·~~Star Shadow Present Time~~·~~||\
Just a recomendation thou, it works for The next day too.

he began to move the stars, not all of them just a few.

he began to move the stars, not all of them thou, just a few.


I hope that you have enjoyed the story thus far. The next chapter is in editing as we speak. Its about 3/4ths of the way edited.

So the next chapter mite be done very soon and up for reads... :twilightsmile:

A new chapter! WOOO! I hope you all enjoy it! :pinkiehappy:

Second Chapter goes!! Woohoo!!
Pretty awesome, a lot of grammar stuff, but the story is going well :pinkiehappy:
I would help you whit the grammar, but... well, I know how to read english, but I don't know too much about writting.
Third Chapter, I'm coming for you :rainbowkiss:!!!

4480903 Yeah, Chapter 1 and 2 did not have much editing done to them before I put them up.

Chapter 3-5 will have better grammer and puntuation I think, I've had a lot of help with them from friends that where willing to put a lot of time into each chapter! :pinkiehappy: They are very kind.

I'm more of a story person myself... If the story is good I dont mind a few errors here and there. But I have found a lot of people are sticklers on spelling and such. I try my best to get things spelled right and sounding good. I get a little better every time I write!

Yay! That's a really fun chapter. :twilightsheepish:

...yes indeed but he...

Indeed. After that other story I just can't help but laugh when I see that word.

cookie remained and the punch was indeed spiked!

The image of spike's tail sticking out of the punch bowl comes to mind. How come no one's thought of that one yet? Or possibly also that there is a pony by the name Punch...

On to the chapter. The major thing I see is that you're switching between tenses again. You seem to have also missed some commas here and there. I've put together a list of some typos you can fix but I'll send that in a PM instead. :twilightsmile:


4603762 Thank you, and I appear to do that a lot XD... I can't seam to not do it. *sighs*

Thanks also for sending a PM I'll be sure to look at it, review it and change edits you present to me.

Hey PinkiePieFox, the only reason I made this account is to comment this:
Please come back to this fanfic! You shouldn't care about all the hate your getting, I love this! I'm sure there are lots more people who don't have accounts who also love this story! It has a lot of potential and you shouldn't let hate get the better of you. I hope you come back soon, I would love that and I'm sure many others would love that too! ;)

4603779 will you update this soon? Pls

8131744 On this story? Probably not... It was my first story and has a lot wrong with it... Also I have not done a lot of writing in the past year... Which is sad but I just have not done it... :fluttercry: I'm so very sorry...

8131932 Thank you. It does mean a lot to me that you liked the story. :twilightsmile: If you liked this one I have a few others that are also good reads... I hope to get the motivation back to write some more someday... I just lost myself somewhere along the lines...:ajsleepy:

8131975 it's just I've been having bad luck lately with good stories 129 stories now with 100+ weeks with out updates for the last two weeks

130 now with this one

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