• Member Since 30th May, 2017
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Sage the Ero Harem Kami


"It is my sworn duty to protect the harmony of the Haremverse but if ones so salty try to disrupt this harmony in any way, THO SHALL GET RIGIDITY WREAKED BITCH BOI!"

Comments ( 218 )

Dude, self-inserts are not a good idea, especially when it's this blatant. I'm not sure what your...friends, there are telling you, but a story like this is a tough endeavour for even the best. How about a simple SoL to start with instead?

9308978
It's not a self-insert of me, Daydreamer is actually the name of my OC who's also named Daydreamer.

9308981
If that's your position on the matter, perhaps you could rephrase that?

9308989
Daydreamer is the name of my main OC which is ironically the name of my user tag.

9308990
So, your protagonist shares the name of your profile. The same profile that posted the story, revolving around wish fulfillment and a...farcical (for lack of a better word) perception of sex. I think I should just walk away now.

9309005
Is that damn little hamster giving you trouble? Trust me, he does this to anyone's stories he deems bad. Just ignore him and let the others handle him, now as for your story, it turned out pretty good

9309011
Thanks, man and I'm glad you took the time to help me on this story.

9309016
I'm glad you got some praise for your work

9309011

let the others handle him

I'll tell you the same thing I told them.
Go ahead. Try it.

9309018
Thank you bro:pinkiehappy: Would you like to keep doing this and see how this goes?

9309048
He loaded who's shotgun? DD and his fans or himself?

9309054
The people that are going to take care of him.

Alright, I'll be fair. I know I may have a reputation, so I'll point out where the story fizzled with me and why.

I'm ready 21 years old, but I don't got a cutie mark.

But even if I wasn't sterile, I'd be too depressed to take care of a kid, plus I'm broke.

Considering the status of characters without a cutie mark at the elementary level within the setting, to have one still be useless at this age already shows he's a loser. The bit at the end about impotence, defective mental health, and financial failure is unneeded and serves a purpose already fulfilled.

Life sucks when ya ain't got nobody to pick you back up.

The show establishes such things like hired help at farms and traveling rodeos, not to mention internships in the cities. So this tidbit about being work shy and lazy doesn't help build the protagonists likability.

"Hic...no need to get upset honey. I was just wondering if you were looking for a good time?" The mare said in a drunken slur.

:facehoof: I don't want to question your life experience. But that is not what a drunken slur sounds like, nor do drunk females throw themselves at bums looking to sleep in alleys. This just...no.
The next paragraph just flat out ignores Show, Don't Tell and has grammar errors ("D-Cup blobs, thats showed off her...") to boot.
The story goes on like this, multiple grammar errors and basic writing comventions being blatantly ignored. The protagonist shows himself to lack even basic hygiene skills ("years of built up dirt) and talks to himself. Despite subsistence consisting of garbage pickings and no demanding job, he inexplicably has defined muscle tone. Despite being a virgin, he manages to carry out the worst, drawn out sexual experience a middle schooler could cobble together, with a drunk that was stumbling and slurring at the story's beginning no less.
:applejackunsure: You forgot to add the Non-Con tag, but that's far from the biggest issue here.I don't know which of those two you pointed out in the description proofread/edited this, but you should discard them for the amount of grammatical errors alone. A better soul than I would have a link to the writing guide handy, but search it out and take it's contents to heart. Get an editor who can demonstrate a writing level above the fifth grade. But most of all, if nothing else, don't use manga or fanfiction as a guide to writing a sex scene.

9309057
Some NEETS on an amateur writing site centered around talking, pastel horses. So frightening. The only things that should be scared are any animals unfortunate to be living with these people.

You, uh, might want to put the non-consensual tag on this. "Hobo finds drunk girl and has unprotected sex with her" is normally considered non-con in, well, any part of the world. Adding "she becomes a bimbo and loses her intelligence" to the mix shifts it heavily to the red-flashing-light zone.

9309130
She doesn't lose her intelligence which will be more explained in chapter two but I see your point.

9309137
Wait. SO he wont be able to have kids?

9309141
Or so he thinks, wait till next chapter to find out.

9309137 No probs. You'll need to show that since "bimbofication" normally implies lack of sexual agency and lack of intelligence. The "having sex with a drunk person" thing is still really squicky and non-con, though.

9309147 Also, this isn't second-person fiction, it's first-person narrative. Second-person is when it addresses the reader directly.

You take off her clothes and run your hands over her ample chest.

That kind of thing.

I cannot tell you how fast I heard dexter’s voice when I read the letters DD

9309005
Didn't read the story, but I still wanna chime in here.

Don't do this. Dismissing other people based purely on "Well, that's just your opinion, dude," is absolutely not something you want to do if you want to get better. I know some people can be abrasive or hard to listen to, but don't dismiss any criticism. Consider everything and really think about whether the criticism is valid or not. Remember, every person who likes or dislikes your story is having an opinion, and rejecting just the opinions you don't like doesn't do you any good in getting better. I'd love to have criticism on any story I write because it means that someone out there cares enough to point out perceived flaws in something I did. It's up to me whether I change my story based on their criticism, but I don't dismiss it so quickly.

Hamster was simply pointing out that your story, at first glance, looks kinda bad. There's a lot of stigma already present around self-inserts, and people associate the term with blatant and non-immersive wish fulfillment. Having a main character with the same name as your profile makes it appear like this is a self-insert, and people are going in already with that expectation. If you had a main character with any other name, this wouldn't be a problem at first. That's it. Whether you want to change the story or not is up to you, of course, but dismissing criticism as "just your opinion, dude" is not a good look for you.

9309193
You're right, thank you for that and I plan on changing my profile name soon.

“You did good Daydreamer you did good,” I said to myself. I gave Berry a quick kiss on the lips.

He did more than good BP, he rocked your bucking world:rainbowdetermined2:! I'd expect no less from the Natural Born Breeder:raritywink:!

That was super hot and sexy!:pinkiehappy::heart:!!! I cannot wait to see what happens next:yay:!!!

9309265
Sure did:raritywink:! Also, I can't help but notice that you have a certain...hamster bothering you:ajbemused:.

9309273
If you say so...still, don't hesitate to let me know if he's giving you a hard time, kay? I don't like it when people make others feel bad about certain things. Especially those working so hard to give people a good story:applecry:.

9309333

9309336
Guys, please no fighting in my comments section for my stories alright.

9309341
That's a reasonable and fair request. Alright.
9309336
If you want to bitch on my profile page, feel free.

...I’ll be keeping a eye on this, but I’ll say this, it seems like this is a work in progress in terms of how it was written. Not giving harsh criticism, just viewing on how I see it.

So for the start i must say neat. Really like the story so far und want to read more.

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