Awesome man

You lost me at the oc being black, kill yourself. I made an account, just to tell you this. Fuck you.

7636636 yo whats with the racist ass comment man common

7828546 the totally lame catchphrase he was thinking about when Silver and Diamond "assaulted" him and he was saved by the bell.
In dubio reread the chapter

7829358 oh no. He thought of just thinking of saying, "talk about being saved by the bell..." in general, but didn't want say that out loud.

7829685 Yeah, that one works too

7839774 no problem .

And so we reach the Climax ' of this story.
But I wonder where sunset was all this time, and how did she NOT know about what's been going on.

7843105 that's where Season 2 comes in (still unfinished.)

7843428 OOOH you're gonna carry this on? I haven't read this in ages and just checked on it again to see it finished...

7981494 in already starting work on a Season 2 as we speak.

8206408
I get that. The writing was the problem. Maybe I'll look at it again later

there is no link to the sequel

8462692 try to type it. I'll deal with that soon. Just type Harem Boy Season 2.

Okay, so I will definitely finish Harem Boy and all its seasons--Is this a trilogy or is this a saga? This story is just so hilariously bad that I want to continue.

Anyway, let us take a look at what makes this story off. So, the first big problem with this story is that Mojo--which is a terrible name that conflicts with the character you established--is a really poorly executed character. His backstory is weird (the whole world is a bit off really) and it makes him look really underdeveloped and 2-D. Most characters in this story seem a bit 2-D. You need to put more thought into how you are to structure a character. Read some of the bigger books on this site and you will understand what character development really is.

This story has a ton of character development as well as a beautifully crafted world that fits perfectly:

[Adult story embed hidden]

Next: You have a problem with switching tense, I have seen in your story a few times where you switched from first person to third person in the same sentence. Get your tense under control!

Character knowledge: Mojo sometimes shows that he knows more about the situation than he should know. Also, some of the mares have a tendency to do the same thing. One thing you want to do is to put yourself in their shoes and think about how you would react in the situation and make sure you take into consideration of how much a character should know.

Another problem I've noticed is that there are weird little skips between things, for example, there was one time were the mare would be riding Mojo and then the next moment she is... walking towards him? How, if she's sitting on Mojo, how can she start to walk up to him. Also, sometimes you write that Mojo's little buddy is fully erect and then you say that he was beginning to become erect. How can he become erect again if he is already ready to go?

There are many more of these errors in this story (grammar, structure, flow, etc) and to list them all would take a while. The only thing I can say is that you should read more books and after a while, you should be able to easily build a proper world with wonderfully full characters. 10 million words read should give you a good start. By the time you reach about 20 million words read you should be able to see how characters develop. And by the time you reach 40 or so million words, you should be able to see the major flaws in your stories and easily know how to fix them (40 million words that contain hundreds of good and bad stories). Know your characters, after all, sentient creatures are very interesting.

10330505

Sorry if I didn’t describe her in the story. Winter Scroll was a mature mare, two inches shorter than Abacus Cinch. She had on a cream white blouse, and a light blue tight skirt - usual teacher stuff, glasses aside.

How long did it take to write these