An alicorn not of royal heritage was marked with the Curse of Immortality. While most ponies think this is a gift, he and anypony he tells all know better. However, he may not be alone...
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 28th Jun, 2015
- offline last seen Jun 24th, 2022
Captain Whatever
I am not in the writing business for ponies, unfortunately, because I have no motivation. My two stories were cancelled, and I have failed to fulfill a duty for a story given to me.
Captain Whatever
Joined 28th Jun, 2015 ·
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Hhhmmm. A few spelling errors, but further a good read. I dislike the fact that you use human names for your characters, it just doesn't read that good for me, it breaks the immersion a bit when you read a name like, Mike/Johnny, or any other human name that is not in a HiE fic, especially since the characters are born in Equestria.
While I assume it is a prologue for a bigger story to come, and most probably more things will be explained later there, this is quite short. There could have fit more things in it.
Anyhow, your writing, except for the little things, is good. I think you'll be able to create a good story in the upcoming time.
Have a like!
Cheers, mate!
Too fast, too rushed. No explanation why the character is an alicorn. Gets along perfectly with the Mane Six. Nothing interesting nor eye-catching about the way he is portrayed (i.e., personality wise). A typical smart-alecky guy who apparently gets along with the Princesses.
If I were a huge critic, this would get my downvote. But, since I'm not, I'll simply say that this story is far from good.
So, some people don't seem to like this fic. The important thing is that you don't listen to them.
Writing is a skill, and like all skills it takes practice. No one expects you to sit down at a piano and suddenly play like Bach, but for some reason we expect people's first stories to be amazing works of art. The fact is, no one has ever written a perfect story on their first try. It takes time and effort.
I'm glad to see you're trying Ytterbius. Don't worry about the people who downvote this story -- most of them have never written anything at all. This story has some flaws, yes, but what matters much more is that you actually sat down and wrote something. Keep that up, and you'll be a great writer before you know it.
6533409
Um... So you're saying to not listen to valid criticism, or are you saying to not listen to those who are "haters" like those who comment:
"OMG Alicorn OC and cliché romance with characters downvote!!1!1! You make me cringe!!1!"
Because if it is the latter, then I do agree. Those comments stink.
Keep practicing. Take ideas from other works and mold them into your own. Study characters in other works of fiction for a general understanding of characterization. Absorb many other author's plots and writing styles to have a place to start. And by the time you're done doing that, you'll have your own, organic blend of exceptional writing.
Don't listen to the people that downvote your story for no reason, or mock you. Listen to the people that tell you how to improve. And take it all with a grain of salt. You're well on your way if you keep trying.
6533409
I'm sorry, but worst advice ever. If you tell him that, then he'll never figure out the difference between people who just hate his story without reason, and those ofmactially offer criticism. Yeah some people (including myself) are pretty damn blunt, but (at least in my case) that's how I feel people learn best.
6533409
That is not, never was, and never will be a valid reason to dismiss criticism of any piece of entertainment media. And this is speaking as someone who has three published stories on this site.
You're not telling Jim Sterling to stop talking about bad games because he's never developed one. You likely never told Roger Ebert to stop talking about bad movies because he never directed one. You wouldn't level that complaint with any other medium and criticize the viewer's ability to understand what does and doesn't work, for them or universally, in the thing they're experiencing.
Why is it okay to say in writing, where a lot of the rules and mechanics of the written word are much more widely known to people who have never written stories compared to the intricacies of game coding, or music production, or anything else? What makes THIS the medium where criticism can be dismissed based on the lacking resume of the critic?
Well He-LLO alicorn OC!
6533409 I'm sorry, Cold. I have a lot of respect for you, but I feel like you're giving him some bad advice here.
"Writing is a skill, and like all skills it takes practice. " That in itself is fine, but if all I ever drew was a circle, and I was trying to draw a square, and nobody informed me that I was doing it wrong, then I'd be stuck drawing circles forever. It's not about not listening to what they say, it's about being able to differentiate between good criticism and bad. There is a world of difference between "This story sucks" and "This story is bad, and here's why."
And yes, keep trying. If you want to get better, keep trying. But do not shut out any and all dissenting voices, for the love of god.
6533310 The thing is, most pony OCs have names based on things. I figured I needed to stand out a little. Plus, these are based on different aspects of my personality. If you don't like, that's fine, there are many other stories for you to read.
I agree with a lot of the more valid points on here. This story has waay to many clichés. Alicorn w/ no background, friends w/mane 6, friends w/ princesses, no conflicts, no weaknesses, etc.
I mean, the writing isn't BAD, per se, I've read worse. It's just not that good either. But at least you're making an effort! Keep on writing and keep on improving.
6533338 You're right, I did rush a little, and the alicorn thing? He's a crossbreed between his pegasus father and unicorn mother. Thought I hinted that well enough in the monologue. Sorry, man, I'll try to make a better sequel.
6533409 Funny you mention that. I actually wrote a lot of stories for fanfiction.net, and figured I should give this a try. Emphasis on "a lot." If you wanna check them out, I'm Yterbius with one "t." They are all pony stories as well. However, all the back stories are completely different. If not, it's cool.
6533553 I'll take your advice on the one-shot thing, but I use pony creator because I could never afford to buy any digital art supplies. I'm in high school, I'm unemployed, and my parents cut off my allowance a LOOOOOOOOONG time ago.
6533623 I already know the difference, moron. I dealt with plenty on fanfiction.net, and I have to say, they are easily distinguishable.
6533657 Their names are indeed based on things.
I really don't mind it all that much, but it just stood out to me a bit.
1: No other pony in the universe has a human name. You're not delving deep enough into their world if "Michael" is the name you come up with for your main character. He's from Scoltsland? Give him a scottish sounding name. "Micheal" does not fit in with this story/world/continuity of ponies.
2.
Is kind of a big deal. Alicorns are rare. Extremely rare. In fact, we don't see any Alicorns other than Princess Luna, Princess Cadence or Princess Celestia. Twilight gets a free pass because she's the main character of an established story. Twilight was also turned into an Alicorn, because she did something incredible. "Micheal" just shows up with no back story what so ever. You can't "lead a normal life" when the rest of your 'race' is considered, basically gods. You are not 'just' a normal pony if you are an Alicorn. You cannot 'downplay' this.
3.
Really, because a few sentences down, we get:
Really? How would you know Celestia can't kill you, if THIS is the first person you're telling about your curse. Secondly, You just said, to her face, "Even your sister can't kill me." As if the two of them didn't have the same powers. They're both Alicorns of Time. Immensely powerful. One of which was vastly under appreciated. For someone who just wants to be treated equal, you just said, to her face" Yeah, your sister is stronger than me, and even she can't kill me.
Try and follow in universe continuity. These aren't just characters you see on T.V. They have thoughts, feelings, emotions. Luna, Is a person. She is real. Pay attention to her. She is very regal, and carries with her Equestrian history and traditions not seen for 1000 years. Write her like that. Write her like you would if you were talking to a person who had full control over the night. Not making smart ass comments, because you didn't establish any sort of relationship with her. She also wouldn't gloss over something as serious as "I'm forced to live forever, and at SOME point, I took a direct blast from your sister, and it did jack."
Are you the most powerful creature on the planet? You need to develop this character far more, especially if you want to portray him as an Alicorn. That being said, "SOME RANDOM DUDE KIDNAPPED ME AND PLACED ME UNDER A SPELL" is not really a good way to introduce backstory. It's lazy writing, at it's best, and certainly worth looking into if you maybe, dropped various hints at it instead of out right telling us. Why you? Why would somebody kidnap an Alicorn to cast an immortality spell on them. It's pretty much assumed Alicorns live forever. Already. With out the need of extremely powerful magic, cast on a random dude, named "Micheal."
Furthermore, if you were kidnapped, and you were sixteen, and this all took place around the time of Nightmare Moon, your assailant would more than likely have died out of old age. This severely limits your backstory, and expanding on it.
YOU SHOULD NOT BE FINE WITH THIS. YOU SHOULD BE FREAKING OUT, BECAUSE YOU HAVE A HORN, AND WINGS, and only people you have EVER SEEN, with those, is Royalty. "Yeah, I'm not a prince" but...you...should be...and it should bother you, that your not. Not that you HAVE to go this route with your character, but it's worth looking into is you want to flesh out his, painfully cliche story.
And stop breaking the fourth wall. It ...is.....remarkably odd and doesn't really fit in with the story.
You live in the castle for no reason? Might wanna establish something there. Just throwing us into a middle of a story with absolutely no reasoning behind having a character that is for all intents and purposes a god, is bad writing. You need to work on established concepts, and continuity, not to mention character building.
Good luck, darling.
By the by, if you want an arguably better concept, off the top of my head, Your character was kidnapped by a doomsday cult, wanting to create their own God, and with it, their own Apocalypse. You were an earth pony, but through a twisted abomination of spells and scientific procedures, they gave you a wing and horns. With your new powers, you decimated the cult, and escaped.
There. There you go. You are now an Alicorn, that was forced into the role with an expandable backstory, and lots and lots of room for internal monologue, since this character is centuries old.
6533629
6533692
Don't call people names, darling. It's childish and lowers peoples dispositions towards you. Especially don't attack someone who is trying to defend You.
6533742
1. My story, my rules.
2. At the time of the spell casting, alicorns made up 2/3 of the Equestrian population, according to me.
3. You've got me there. I definitely didn't think that one through. So Luna is the second to hear, Celestia being the first, and Celestia tried to remove the spell, but the kidnapper cleverly locked it somehow. Also, how do you know they're alicorns of time?
4. Mike has come to terms with the fact that, since he wasn't a prince for about a millennium, he might not be anytime soon. Also, Pinkie Pie breaks the fourth wall, and everybrony loves it. Next, the castle thing is because Twilight took pity on Mike.
5. That last sentence is referring to "it" as Johnny, who we don't yet know is Johnny, and therefore is an "it," and not a "he" or "she."
6. Do you get paid to criticize this much, or are you just naturally a d**k?
7. (and this is a big one) FIRST STORY, DIPSTICK. YA GOTTA PROBLEM?!
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6533751 Very much appreciated, dude.
6533759 He wasn't defending me. He was being mean towards someone giving me positive inspiration (different from criticism), and those kind of people irk me. Also, are you the author of the story? Because I could've sworn your name was RarityEQM, not Ytterbius. No cult, no earth pony beginnings, no apocalypse. I now officially hate you, but refuse to block you, because that is a form of bullying I hear, and please don't give me sh*t about bullying. I wrote a story for you fanfictioners to enjoy, and roughly 3/4 of the comments make me wanna go on a rampage,so keep your muzzle shut, and don't make me resort to blocking you.
6533784 Dude. Don't start.
This might be your first rodeo, but it ain't mine. You do NOT talk to your readers like that, especially when they're telling you what to fix and improve.
6533784
You are entitled to your opinion. My opinion, is that if you can't take constructive criticisms, you won't learn and grow, you will always, be a shitty writer. "Your story, and your rules" don't mean you can make up whatever crap you want, throw it in, and expect it to be praised if it doesn't stick ti the established universe.
2.
Yeah, this is not established, or if it has been, not established well.
3.
Because Luna and Celestia control the MOON. And the SUN. Which, directly correlates to day time and night time.
4.
Yes, Pinkie pie, is a canonically established character that can make jokes work in the medium of cartoons. This is a story, and comedy is different when portrayed through the written word. None of this 'pity' is established in your story.
What?
No, this is called constructive criticism. This is something you're going to need to learn how to deal with if you want to raise your talent past "dirt"
Your first story doesn't mean it has to be a cliche story filled with flimsily established characters and convoluted plots. More name calling. Sweetie, you are going to give off the impression you haven't gotten your cutie mark yet, when you show all the maturity of a five year old.
6533789 wasn't clapping at you. I was applauding Prime.
6533791
No, I'm a much better writer than that guy.
i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--geMtoWLk--/1106972671399694511.jpg
You now officially hate me? Hope that works out for you honey. Put all the effort and energy you like into hating me, I promise you, I. Won't. Care. But you should. Because regardless of whether or not I am a better writer than you, my advice is still sound, and something you can learn from. 'hating' someone who can offer you boons to your 'talent' does not bode well, darling.
Your character has the most ridiculous non-pony name, is loved by Celestia, Luna, Twilight and the Mane Six, is an alicorn for no discernible reason, is immortal, which is apparently a curse, but he doesn't seem to care too much about that.
There's no sense of pacing, nothing is explained, and the whole story lacks substance and plot...
Try again.
6533409 That is some of the worst advice I've ever seen. Don't tell him not to listen to critics. How is he supposed to learn by not listening to advice?
6533409 Please don't listen to this person. This is really terrible advice.
6533893 hell, my sister does better art on MSPaint than Pony Creator.
6533409
I largely agree with a big chunk of your message. Yes, the site is sometimes a bit inhospitable to newer authors. And it is important for people to understand that just because their first attempt at writing isn't well received doesn't mean they should give up. Hell, I can even applaud having one of the more well known writers of the site step in to deliver the message of not giving up.
But you should never tell people to completely ignore criticism, even if the criticism is coming from someone hasn't written a story.
6533986 Heck, I drew my OC and one of my cover art wIth simple markers and paper, and I think I did pretty well for a beginner.
6533784 If you are unwilling to accept criticism, both good and bad, and are unable to accurately decide what to listen to (bearing in mind that we are all more experienced writers on this site, evidenced by our stories, blogs, and followers, etc), then perhaps by that same reasoning we shan't allow ourselves to give you the honor of receiving criticism to help you improve.
Just a thought.
6533820
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I tried my hardest to actually read this story, but it was actually so bad that I felt what little talent I have fading away. I counted three useless characters (Spike, Scootaloo, and arguably Pinkie Pie) in the first chapter alone, though I could be wrong on the last one. Honestly, I gave up reading half way through. While that shows something of me as a reader, blah blah instant gratification blah, it should also show something of just how bad this story really is. Then again, this could be a trollfic. Wouldn't be the first time one has fooled me. Wouldn't be the first time this month that one has fooled me. If so, 10/10. If not, like, 2/10.
Why does the characters break the fourth wall so many times?
6533784
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I like you friend.
This was just all around bad.
"7. (and this is a big one) FIRST STORY, DIPSTICK. YA GOTTA PROBLEM?!" oh boy, my favorite argument starter "LMAO DONT HATE GUIS IT MY FIRST TIME XD" just because its your first story does'int mean you get a free ticket into pantie town. also yes i kinda under stand we should'int put new writers on a golden pedestal and expect amazing writing but you should still try your best even if it is you first story.
6533784 I see what you're saying here:
However (6534242 6533800 6534475 6533794 , this may interest you all, as well), you just got telling us that this isn't your first story. Remember?
Quoted from 6533674
A lot of people here won't go easy on you just because it's your first story, but I can't imagine they'd be any more lenient knowing that the whole "first story" thing isn't true. I'm gonna go ahead and take a stab at this myself. Just so you know, I like to go in-depth, so get ready.
EDIT:i re read it and it and it says scoltand and not Scotland: This is just a little side note/ nit pick but aren't all the locations in MLP a pun like Vanhovver and saddle-Arabia? Because it seems kinda weird to me how it just says Scotland.
6534544
It's actually Scoltland, a colt being a young male horse. It sounds awful, but it's still pretty horsey.
Oh, so much drama here. --Who wants popcorn?
goodwinhouse.org/wp/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/popcorn-boxes-300x200.jpg
boy oh boy, it's been a while since I've done one of THESE! going down memory lane here!!
>inb4 author is a dick because I never capitalize. trust me I know his type
kill me
so it's perfectly possible that he is of royal heritage, just not of 'the' royal heritage
I actually really like the idea of there being many other ways of obtaining alicornhood. shame it's used in this story
ok
look at all this backstory with no insight into it. seriously, you could have dedicated an entire chapter to a flashback Gary McStu had of the kidnapping thing. at this point it's just bland, tasteless exposition.
well fuck man that was quick
"I was kidnapped but you know what nobody really needs to know"
if there was just some faggot going around cursing people with immortality, you'd think celestia would get her shit together. You can't tell me that she doesn't know about it, your fucking protagonist is physical proof that she does.
I love how during all of this, not once does he address luna by her proper title. Even if she's kind of a lonely loser, if a stranger just walked up to me and acted like we were best friends I would be kind of pissed
now I'm gonna quote these two paragraphs from the story, because they pretty much sum up it's most prominent issue
all of this occurs in chapter 1
the story's pacing moves at breakneck speeds, which is incredibly disorienting and destroys consistency. Why can't we know what he told luna about his past? why even mention that he did if it's never gonna be mentioned again?
also just noticed that this story is marked complete, gonna have a fun time reading this the whole way through
Here you are, Darling. I tried to red line some of your...issues in hopes that you will take some of this advice to heart. We're trying to help you, sweetie, and while I may sometimes have a snarky disposition, you still might do well to heed our advice.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZXKvDKfqq13lR4qasru6sURB0KyKqWw22niZgCg4sus/edit?usp=sharing
This is your second chapter, which I've gone through and tried to offer you somethings you might consider changing.
6534551 I DO!
6534563
Just gonna put it out there. That's technically against Fimfiction rules. Maybe a Google Doc would serve you better.
6534566
Take some! I've got enough to go around!
By the way, I may or may not have told Foal Free Press about this.
6534566 Oooohohohoh, an oversight by yours truly! Thank you, darling, this has been rectified.
6533664
If that overused idea actually worked, you would see thousands of alicorns roaming around Equestria when the established canon only shows four.