The Lonely Leader

by Captain Whatever

Chapter 1

My name is Michael Griffon Hugheston. I was born in Scoltland to a green pegasus and a brown unicorn. I am an alicorn, one not of the royal heritage. Celestia and Luna were born into it. Cadence was adopted into it. Twilight Sparkle was chosen to be one. Me? I wasn't any of those. I'm just a normal pony, as far as popularity goes. I can cast magic, I can fly, I can perform hefty tasks...I learned to get used to it pretty early in life. I may not be a prince or anything, but I'm totally fine with it. My only problem is that I am, unfortunately, immortal. At around the age of sixteen, I was kidnapped by somepony whose identity is still foreign to me. He placed an immortality spell that he cleverly locked so that it couldn't be undone. Even Celestia's powers are useless against it. This took place about the time Nightmare Moon was banished to the moon.

---

I found myself at the Royal Castle speaking to Luna. This is the first time I have told anypony about my curse at all, and I'm very sure it won't be my last.

"All this is true?" I nodded, and she hung her head.

"I am sorry, Michael."

"Please just call me Mike. All my friends do it. Also, I have no friends." She giggled at my smartaleck statement. While I have lived in a constant nightmare, I still found time to be witty.

"Seriously, though, I prefer just 'Mike,' if you don't mind."

"Very well. So you say that you will live forever?"

I nodded. "Even Celestia can't kill me."

We sat in an awkward silence for a while.

"Luna?"

"Yes?"

"Did you forget your line?"

Thirty seconds later, she was gripping her sides, laughing like a...well...a crazy pony.

I guess I still have that touch, after a few centuries. I smirked, knowing my wit had lucked out again.

"Mike, you truly are a pleasure to have around. Why don't you visit more often?"

"I have no clue, to be honest. I can try to come here more often, if you want."

She smiled a little at that, and as I walked out the door, heading for my home in Ponyville, she said she hoped to see me next week. I walked out, bidding her adieu, and I headed towards my home. It was like this every week. I went to her bedchambers, and we spoke about something different each time. This time, she was curious about my past, so I spoke about it.

As I walked up to the Crystal Castle, I knocked. Spike answered, and he let me in. Princess Twilight was letting me stay with her until I found a permanent home. I walked up to my bedroom door (third door on the right), and opened the door, finding my room in shambles. Good thing Twilight didn't see it, or else I'd have nowhere to live.

I walked over to my bed, lifted my pillow, and grabbed my bit sack. I then headed to the candy store.

I saw Bonbon behind the counter, handing a small sack to Scootaloo. As I approached the counter, the young pegasus ran into my leg, and I learned right there what linoleum floors taste like. Fun fact: they don't taste good.

"Sorry, mister." She dashed out the door, not paying any attention to what she just did.

"Are you alright, sir?" Bonbon asked.

I lifted myself off the ground and saw two Bonbons. I shook my head, and my vision returned.

"I think I'll be fine."

"Good. What can I get you today?"

I looked around the counter, and saw many items. Gumdrops, hard candies, taffies, chocolate cherries, everything was available.

"I'll take a few of the suckers with gum in 'em. One in cherry, one in orange, and one in grape."

She grabbed them, handed them over, and rang them up. "Six bits please."

I levitated six bits from my sack and floated them over to her, which she took with a smile and dispensed into her cash register. I thanked her, bit into my sucker, and left. Yes, I bit into my sucker. With age and experience comes strong teeth. Ask Celestia.

As I walked home, I ran into Vinyl Scratch, and her earphones fell off. I awaited my impending doom.

"Sorry about that, dude." Wha...did I hear that right?

"Oh, no worries." I was puzzled beyond belief, knowing that that mare loved her music. However, I didn't question it, and went home. I went to my bedroom, and wrote in my personal journal.

September 13, 2015

Day #5,777,042

Today was a pretty great day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. Unless it counts to buy something from the candy shop. I found out what linoleum flooring tastes like, and it is awful beyond belief. All thanks to Scootaloo, who should pay a little bit more attention to her surroundings. Anywho, my lonely life continues on, but I have come to believe that maybe it's not so bad. I know that I may never be mortal again, but I'm starting to enjoy it a little more. I know this seems like a preposterous notion, but maybe I'm not alone, and maybe I have a bigger purpose than endlessly wandering. Again, I know it sounds very unbelievable, but you never know.

Mike G. Hugheston

I usually wrote these journal entries as more of letters to Celestia. She had requested I do this so I can feel more alive. If you ask me, it was some therapeutic way to help me cope, and I must say, it has worked so far.

I lit a dragonbreath candle, and the flame glowed a vibrant green. Spike had given me one so I didn't have to ask him to send my letters frequently. I ripped my page from my booklet, dipped it in the tiny flame, and watched as it sailed through my window, through the air, until it was gone from my viewpoint. I decided to head to the local pizzeria and buy myself a small 6 inch extra cheese with a garlic stuffed crust. Contrary to popular belief, we ponies do actually have processed meat. We just never use it for anything because, well, we're herbivores.

I ate my pizza for a bit, before I got the feeling that I was being watched. As I glanced behind me, a pink blur whizzed out of sight. Maybe I'll ask her about it later.

I left, and headed to Sugarcube Corner. I asked for Pinkie Pie, and she-

"Hiya!" I nearly jumped a whole foot in the air.

"GAH! Pinkie, don't interrupt me while I'm narrating."

"Sorry. So how you doing?"

"Not bad. I was just wondering, we're you spying on me?"

She tilted her head. "What are you talking about?"

"Earlier, today, at the pizzeria? I saw something pink trying to watch me."

She shook her head. "Nope. Wasn't me. I work until 5:30 PM. Say, that reminds me, our clock broke, what time is it?"

"Time for you, my friend, to get a watch." I couldn't resist. We were both laughing our heads off for about a minute and a half.

"Seriously, Mike. What time is it?"

I looked at my hoof, which conveniently had a watch. "5:28. Two minutes until you're free."

"Okay. That's good. I'll just pack things up then."

"You do that. I'll head home. See ya tomorrow."

As I headed home, I glanced behind me, and the pink blur appeared again. This time, however I followed it. Long story short, I gave up after an hour of not finding it. I headed back to the castle, and my room was...clean. Everything was sorted properly, my bed was made, and my carpet was spotless.

I freaked out.

After about five minutes of having a breakdown, I collapsed on the carpet.

Comments

[RarityEQM]

My name is Michael Griffon Hugheston. I was born in Scoltland to a green pegasus and a brown unicorn.

1: No other pony in the universe has a human name. You're not delving deep enough into their world if "Michael" is the name you come up with for your main character. He's from Scoltsland? Give him a scottish sounding name. "Micheal" does not fit in with this story/world/continuity of ponies.

2.

Me? I wasn't any of those. I'm just a normal pony, as far as popularity goes.

Is kind of a big deal. Alicorns are rare. Extremely rare. In fact, we don't see any Alicorns other than Princess Luna, Princess Cadence or Princess Celestia. Twilight gets a free pass because she's the main character of an established story. Twilight was also turned into an Alicorn, because she did something incredible. "Micheal" just shows up with no back story what so ever. You can't "lead a normal life" when the rest of your 'race' is considered, basically gods. You are not 'just' a normal pony if you are an Alicorn. You cannot 'downplay' this.

3.

I found myself at the Royal Castle speaking to Luna. This is the first time I have told anypony about my curse at all, and I'm very sure it won't be my last.

Really, because a few sentences down, we get:

I nodded. "Even Celestia can't kill me."

Really? How would you know Celestia can't kill you, if THIS is the first person you're telling about your curse. Secondly, You just said, to her face, "Even your sister can't kill me." As if the two of them didn't have the same powers. They're both Alicorns of Time. Immensely powerful. One of which was vastly under appreciated. For someone who just wants to be treated equal, you just said, to her face" Yeah, your sister is stronger than me, and even she can't kill me.

Try and follow in universe continuity. These aren't just characters you see on T.V. They have thoughts, feelings, emotions. Luna, Is a person. She is real. Pay attention to her. She is very regal, and carries with her Equestrian history and traditions not seen for 1000 years. Write her like that. Write her like you would if you were talking to a person who had full control over the night. Not making smart ass comments, because you didn't establish any sort of relationship with her. She also wouldn't gloss over something as serious as "I'm forced to live forever, and at SOME point, I took a direct blast from your sister, and it did jack."

Are you the most powerful creature on the planet? You need to develop this character far more, especially if you want to portray him as an Alicorn. That being said, "SOME RANDOM DUDE KIDNAPPED ME AND PLACED ME UNDER A SPELL" is not really a good way to introduce backstory. It's lazy writing, at it's best, and certainly worth looking into if you maybe, dropped various hints at it instead of out right telling us. Why you? Why would somebody kidnap an Alicorn to cast an immortality spell on them. It's pretty much assumed Alicorns live forever. Already. With out the need of extremely powerful magic, cast on a random dude, named "Micheal."

Furthermore, if you were kidnapped, and you were sixteen, and this all took place around the time of Nightmare Moon, your assailant would more than likely have died out of old age. This severely limits your backstory, and expanding on it.

I may not be a prince or anything, but I'm totally fine with it.

YOU SHOULD NOT BE FINE WITH THIS. YOU SHOULD BE FREAKING OUT, BECAUSE YOU HAVE A HORN, AND WINGS, and only people you have EVER SEEN, with those, is Royalty. "Yeah, I'm not a prince" but...you...should be...and it should bother you, that your not. Not that you HAVE to go this route with your character, but it's worth looking into is you want to flesh out his, painfully cliche story.

And stop breaking the fourth wall. It ...is.....remarkably odd and doesn't really fit in with the story.

You live in the castle for no reason? Might wanna establish something there. Just throwing us into a middle of a story with absolutely no reasoning behind having a character that is for all intents and purposes a god, is bad writing. You need to work on established concepts, and continuity, not to mention character building.

Good luck, darling.

By the by, if you want an arguably better concept, off the top of my head, Your character was kidnapped by a doomsday cult, wanting to create their own God, and with it, their own Apocalypse. You were an earth pony, but through a twisted abomination of spells and scientific procedures, they gave you a wing and horns. With your new powers, you decimated the cult, and escaped.

There. There you go. You are now an Alicorn, that was forced into the role with an expandable backstory, and lots and lots of room for internal monologue, since this character is centuries old.

[JumpingShinyFrogs]

Your character has the most ridiculous non-pony name, is loved by Celestia, Luna, Twilight and the Mane Six, is an alicorn for no discernible reason, is immortal, which is apparently a curse, but he doesn't seem to care too much about that.

There's no sense of pacing, nothing is explained, and the whole story lacks substance and plot...

Try again.

[Fire-bat]

This really takes the cake in being a very shoddy fanfic. It's been a incredibly long time since I have tracked across one this bad.

1 - OC's name isn't pony
2 - immortal, Celestia can't kill me alicorn
3 - everypony likes him
4 - grammar and spelling fuck ups all over

Really, the only way this could be worse is if the OC was named after you and/or had the same name as your account.

[Patient X]

There's something I missed the first time reading this through. I decided to re-read recently, and this caught my eye.

September 13, 2015

Day #5,777,042

That many days would be roughly equivalent to over 15,827 years and 6 months, give or take a few days.