EarthbendingProdigy
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This story is quite intriguing, I like it. Some of the grammar seems a bit off, like there should be commas in some sentences. Also, the lack of contractions is a little jarring.
So filly Twi just rubbed herself off in front of a load of other foals.
media.giphy.com/media/OYgcKl4X7fvyM/giphy.gif
6346580 Yes, as well as some assorted mares and stallions.
6346171 Contractions? You mean orgasmic contractions? My intent for this first masturbation scene was that since it was Twilight's first time masturbating as well as her being in heat she was a tad sensitive and would likely cum fairly quickly. That is one thing Cadence will teach Twilight is control.
6346681 He meant contractions like "won't", "can't", and "shouldn't".
Regardless... wow. Just wow. I wasn't certain what I was expecting going in to this story, but I would've guessed it was going to be at least decent. One thing I wasn't expecting was the horrific grammar, bizarre run-on sentences, utter lack of detail, and unbelievable characters.
This is something I might expect out of a seventh grader.
6346797 Twilight wasn't exactly in her usual frame of mind, as for Cadence she is also in heat as well actually which I perhaps should have made clear as well. She is more calm, collected and composed which comes from being used to having this year visitor though my intent is that Cadence sees Twilight's public masturbation as a bit of an extreme situation that requires an unusual step she wouldn't usually consider though one point I will make is that heat can have a profound effect even on the most mature and measured mares though how much can depend.
6346865 That doesn't make your story any less shit.
6346999 I am pleased that you at the very least said why you think my story is "shit" as you put it, but I think the 7th grader comment was a bit uncalled for. When you think about the very concept of the story itself, is it really even all that believable to begin with? Do you really think Cadence's response to this situation actually would have been to teach Twilight how to get herself off? Probably not, but if there is a way to make this otherwise unbelievable concept more believable than I am of course open to suggestions.
The "contractions" is a good suggestion I am keeping in mind, even if I did originally misinterpret what he actually meant. Looking at this story though it is not my best work, is it complete trash? I personally don't think so, it is smut for the sake of smut and I think the very premise of that makes it very clear.
That dosen't mean that I can't improve some things about it, but I am going to say now that if you are expecting a deep, engaging and thought provoking story than this is probably not what you are looking for. Others may see it as trash either because they want some plot with their "plot" if you know what I mean or because they don't like foalcon or clop in general and they are free to feel that way but those aren't the audiences I have in mind when I wrote this.
If you are looking for a story to clop to and don't mind if one of the characters is a school age filly than this may in fact be the story for you. That dosen't mean I am not at least trying to make this good, the bottom line is I am not the best at punctuation, I do think I am getting a tad better though. I have a friend who often looks over my stories but since foalcon is not his thing he wants nothing to do with this, he dosen't judge me for being into this and is in fact into other forms of clop, but it is something he prefers to avoid.
6346681
I'm sorry Cadence
It's okay Twilight
Ssssshhh! It's okay
That kind of contraction, sorry I should have been more clear. Those are just a few examples I picked. I did actually notice quite a few contraction, but these ones just seem off in dialogue. Apart from that, this story seems pretty good. I don't usually like stories where everypony goes through heat at once, but that's just personal preference really. I think this has promise and I'll keep reading it.
when can we expect ch 2
6348547 That is kind of what happens in nature, but I suppose I can understand your preference. Heat in nature is determined by the sun and different ponies in different parts of Equestria likely have different exposures to different levels of sunlight. I am kind of toying with this concept in this other fic idea I have though that is a sequel to another idea I haven't even published yet.
6348721 My work schedule kind of sucks right now and I just got back to school, I did get this first chapter out a bit sooner than expected though as previous comments have pointed out there are some errors I missed in my haste but I can fix those. I am going to get my vacation from work fairly soon though it is going to likely be slit up into 2 half weeks instead of one whole week off though the last time I took a vacation inspiration struck hard and I published my first clopfic on here and had 3 chapters out in the span of a few weeks. I can't promise something like that will happen again soon, but once I do get my vacation I will have more time which I will put to good use.
6349167 Yes, I know how it's done in nature. However I think evolution would have changed these ponies. Because ponies, mch like us, became intelligent and tool users they can craft their environment to their needs. This is especially true of ponies as they can control their weather. Therefore it stands to reason that their heat cycles would slowly drift because there is no longer an ideal time of year for breeding. Anytime of year would do. Therefore any pony could be in heat at anytime of year. The reason I think this is because Pinkie stated, in one episode, vastly different birthdays for many ponies around town. This would not be the case if everypony's heat happened at the same time.
6349479 I guess that is true, there are some things the ponies can do that real life horses can't and not just the obvious stuff like being able to talk, control the weather or use magic. I imagine the ponies as still having a time that they go into heat but like humans being able to be sexually receptive year around with their heat just being a sort of leftover from their horse ancestors.
A Foalcon Twidance clopfic?
..............
Thank you!
6350064 if you need an editor, I am available. I am interested in this story, and I'd like to help.
6357265 Thanks, I appreciate the offer. I have a friend who usually looks at my fics but hasn't agree to look at this one because though he clops he isn't exactly into foalcon. He dosen't judge me for being into but it still isn't his thing.
6359004 I can understand him. It's not exactly widespread. Just say the word if our ever need my help. I almost never sleep.
6359004 same as redh00f though I'm more a proofreader just say the word and I'll help
Do you plan to continue this story? If so I will delay sorting it appropriately. On a more personal note the story felt rushed and you are going to need an editor for your Foalcon fics quite direly.
6430884 Yes, I will continue this story though it may take a while before I am able to do so due to school and my work schedule being crappy and unpredictable. There is a chance of my work schedule getting better but there is uncertainty about if and when that will happen. Looking though it though I won't deny you are right about it being rushed, part of it is me having trouble with beginnings but the first chapters of my other stories are better than this though.
6431027 Awesome!
You know, you're the first person not to give an excuse for as to why my criticisms are wrong. Keep up the good work.
You should be severely punished for leaving us hanging. Can I write chapter two?
so r u still writing this or is it pretty much dead
more plz!
I'm sorry, but I just can't get behind this premise.
So, they are naked all the time, go into heat annually...
But are squeamish about sex ed, and don't approve of public sex? Even during the heat?
I feel like they should be super duper sex-positive. Like, fucking in the streets on a regular basis.