Midnight's Hourglass

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Age does not necessitate wisdom, and Luna feels left behind in a world that kept progressing in her absence. A relic in a modern time, Our Lunar Lady faces the last hurdle in her redemption.... Forgiving herself.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 19 )

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Keradon

Keradon #1 · Jan 26th, 2015 · · ·

Hmm... an interesting take on immediate after effects of the pilot...

The fave is earned!

mlpforums.com/uploads/post_images/img-2694002-1-LyraJudge_zps7c06aaf6.gif

1234

1234 #2 · Jan 26th, 2015 · · ·

Very interesting piece you have here...

The only problem I have with it is this sentence:

For that brief moment, solar coronas halo the dark magnificence and everypony gazes upon its wonder.

I don't know if it's because of the noun "solar coronas" or the lack of one specific cohesive thought, but this sentence had me confused for a couple of minutes.

Anywho, let me slap this into my library. Nice story!

Foals Errand

Foals Errand #3 · Jan 26th, 2015 · · ·

Wonderful job! Just beautiful!
Into my library and a watch for you!

Noir de Plume

Noir de Plume #4 · Jan 27th, 2015 · · ·

5552836

I can understand that. I used a noun (halo) as a verb, which is not traditionally done, and that can throw people. :) I very much appreciate your comment.

1234

1234 #5 · Jan 27th, 2015 · · ·

5554720
Oh I understood the verb being halo. The problem I think is that the two conjoined thoughts really threw me off. It could be worded better.

Actually, now that I am viewing this sentence again, what is the 'dark magnificence'? Is this some other noun or is that a descriptor to the solar coronas?

Noir de Plume

Noir de Plume #6 · Jan 27th, 2015 · · ·

5554739

I was attempting to refer to the moon and the way it was highlighted by the eclipse. It made better sense in my head, I suppose. Suggestions?

1234

1234 #7 · Jan 27th, 2015 · · ·

5554759 I think the organization of the sentence is what is really the issue here.

Maybe the sentence should start out with "Everypony" because that is who is staring up at the environmental factor (the moon + eclipse). That way, we know who is doing what and how that affects the story itself. The wording is going to be a bit tricky...

Everypony gazed up in awe at the dark magnificence that haloed the solar coronas in the beautiful night sky.

Actually, now that I think about it. This sentence should precede the first sentence.

Everypony gazed up in awe at the beautiful dark magnificence that haloed the solar coronas. In a lunar eclipse, the moon is the focus, not the sun.

The reason why I just added that bit basically helps transition into the next line and makes it a bit more personable, but it's up to you. Does that help?

Noir de Plume

Noir de Plume #8 · Jan 27th, 2015 · 1 · ·

5554835

It does. I'll play with it. Thank you!

1234

1234 #9 · Jan 27th, 2015 · 1 · ·

5554926 No problem.

CanterlotGuardian

CanterlotGuardian #10 · Feb 26th, 2015 · 1 · ·

Very nicely done. Bravo.

Southpaw

Southpaw #11 · Feb 27th, 2015 · 1 · ·

Beautiful work, especially in such a short span. I am SO following you.

Joural

Joural #12 · Feb 27th, 2015 · 1 · ·

I don't like the phrasing of out-shadowed in this, particularly in regard to the last line, about shining in the sun's wake. out-shadowed feels like out-shone(though it is more accurately related to overshadow), and that doesn't really fit with the theme you're going for at the end. I dunno, maybe change it to something about living in her shadow? It would give the ending more weight, with her transitioning from trying to live up to Celestia, to trying to make a mark entirely her own, shining in spite of the comparison instead of struggling to live up to it.

That's just my thoughts, anyways. I love this story, that phrase was just niggling at me.

Noir de Plume