• Member Since 25th Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen January 15th

Noir de Plume


~"If you want it to make sense, YOU say it."~


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Age does not necessitate wisdom, and Luna feels left behind in a world that kept progressing in her absence. A relic in a modern time, Our Lunar Lady faces the last hurdle in her redemption.... Forgiving herself.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 19 )

Hmm... an interesting take on immediate after effects of the pilot...

:pinkiehappy: The fave is earned!

mlpforums.com/uploads/post_images/img-2694002-1-LyraJudge_zps7c06aaf6.gif

Very interesting piece you have here...

The only problem I have with it is this sentence:

For that brief moment, solar coronas halo the dark magnificence and everypony gazes upon its wonder.

I don't know if it's because of the noun "solar coronas" or the lack of one specific cohesive thought, but this sentence had me confused for a couple of minutes.

Anywho, let me slap this into my library. Nice story!

Wonderful job! Just beautiful!:heart:
Into my library and a watch for you!

5552836

I can understand that. I used a noun (halo) as a verb, which is not traditionally done, and that can throw people. :) I very much appreciate your comment.

5554720
Oh I understood the verb being halo. The problem I think is that the two conjoined thoughts really threw me off. It could be worded better.

Actually, now that I am viewing this sentence again, what is the 'dark magnificence'? Is this some other noun or is that a descriptor to the solar coronas?

5554739

I was attempting to refer to the moon and the way it was highlighted by the eclipse. It made better sense in my head, I suppose. Suggestions?

5554759 I think the organization of the sentence is what is really the issue here.

Maybe the sentence should start out with "Everypony" because that is who is staring up at the environmental factor (the moon + eclipse). That way, we know who is doing what and how that affects the story itself. The wording is going to be a bit tricky...

Everypony gazed up in awe at the dark magnificence that haloed the solar coronas in the beautiful night sky.

Actually, now that I think about it. This sentence should precede the first sentence.

Everypony gazed up in awe at the beautiful dark magnificence that haloed the solar coronas. In a lunar eclipse, the moon is the focus, not the sun.

The reason why I just added that bit basically helps transition into the next line and makes it a bit more personable, but it's up to you. Does that help?

5554835

It does. I'll play with it. Thank you!

5554926 No problem. :twilightsmile:

Very nicely done. Bravo.

Beautiful work, especially in such a short span. I am SO following you. :twilightsmile:

I don't like the phrasing of out-shadowed in this, particularly in regard to the last line, about shining in the sun's wake. out-shadowed feels like out-shone(though it is more accurately related to overshadow), and that doesn't really fit with the theme you're going for at the end. I dunno, maybe change it to something about living in her shadow? It would give the ending more weight, with her transitioning from trying to live up to Celestia, to trying to make a mark entirely her own, shining in spite of the comparison instead of struggling to live up to it.

That's just my thoughts, anyways. I love this story, that phrase was just niggling at me.

5675819 I appreciate the input! All my fics link together, though, so I have an endgame in mind that requires her to have that mindset.

Thank you for reading!!

5676062

All my fics

All my fics

All my fics

Oh goddammit you're gonna be one of those aren't you I'm gonna have to read everything you write

dammit

5677848 I didn't mean to upset you. :fluttershysad:

Reading this again, I don't have anything witty to say or helpful. Or anything of anything.

Except, neat.

This was nice. It seems to be set early on in Season 1, shortly after the events of the first two eps?

6519439 It's meant to take place anytime between seasons one and two. :twilightsmile:

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