Dear Negative Subscriber,
From: Customer Service, Thaumaturgy Review
To: Ms. Twilight Sparkle
Junior Librarian
Canterlot Archives
Department Of Ancient History
Dear Ms. Sparkle,
While we have received your request to officially change the mailing address of your subscription from your previous Canterlot residence to the Ponyville library, we are unable to honor it at this time. We can only recognize and process official correspondence, which in this case represents mail delivered by the Equestrian Postal Service. According to our legal department, "scrolls which appear out of nowhere in a burst of green flame" do not count.
Please restate your request in the form of something which arrives with a stamp. Thank you.
Dear Ms. Sparkle,
We have corrected the error. The subscription clearly never should have been sent to the Ancient History department in the first place. You may now properly locate it in the Periodicals section.
Dear Ms. Sparkle,
Upon contacting the Archives, we were informed that you are still maintaining an onsite apartment within. Therefore, any request to have your subscription transferred for the duration of your Ponyville "vacation" is clearly a waste of time on the part of both our customer service and subscription departments, as your issues will be waiting for you at your home when you return. In an emergency, the Equestrian Postal Service should be able to conduct temporary mail forwarding after completion of the proper forms, which would be EPS 2:34:12 through EPS 4:19:17. Please consult the nearest mail carrier immediately for additional information. Otherwise, we consider this matter closed and suggest that you do so as well.
We have also noticed that you have a mere forty issues remaining on your subscription. As a courtesy, enclosed please find a renewal form which will allow you to lock in at a bargain rate.
Thank you for your patronage.
Dear Ms. Sparkle,
For security purposes, we require you to provide certain identity verification information before we can consider fixing the claimed "error" in your subscription, as follows:
Your birthdate
A list of all other magazines you subscribe to
Shopping interests
Mailing lists you are already on
Proof that this supposed "Ponyville" actually exists
Thank you.
Dear Ms. Sparkle.
Your suggestion that we "refresh our atlas supply to include something published within the last sixty years" has been noted and forwarded to our accountants, where it was dismissed as a non-essential expense.
Additionally, we are told that you attempted to send some form of personal representative to our offices. Some small purple unicorn mare? (Our security personnel didn't get her name before throwing her out of the building.) Our legal department requires us to inform you that we do not normally deal in snout-to-snout interaction outside a court of law, and all counsel you may retain for some unknown reason which would cost you bits better spent on our product may only meet with them in an appropriate setting while carrying full proof of their status, after paying the 3,000 bit contact fee as compensation for wasting our time.
Otherwise, communicate through correspondence only. Thank you.
Dear Ms. Sparkle,
We wish to offer our apologies for all the delays and frustration you have suffered through. Our subscription services should have caught the fact that the Canterlot Archives Periodicals Department has been receiving their own subscription for over three centuries and thus any extras sent there would clearly represent a misdirected personal copy.
Accordingly, your subscription has been transferred back to the Ancient History department. Have a great day, and remember to renew soon!
Dear Ms. Sparkle,
The reason we require you to send a complete breakdown of your previous correspondence with us is because we do not keep records of our customer service dealings. As we solve each problem after a single inquiry, there is no reason to occupy precious storage space with records of success after success. Furthermore, there is also no need for you to deal with the same pony with each subsequent letter. All of our personnel are equally trained and capable of managing your subscription needs.
With that said, our records indicate that, contrary to your claims, you have in fact had your subscribed issues sent to the proper Canterlot address for the past several moons. Have you considered the possibility that your local EPS branch has been mishoofing your magazines? How well do you truly know your mailmare? Things go missing all the time, you know, or so our legal department assures us we can prove in court. Should you see your regional delivery agent perusing our Silver Vs. Platinum: Which Channeling Wire Is Best For You? survey, consider checking the cover for an address label. You may be dismayed by the result, resulting in emotional damage which our legal department suggests you sue that party for.
Also, as you claim to be a magic researcher, it is entirely possible that you have suffered a recent accident (completely unrelated to the contents of our articles) which has caused you to forget receiving our issues, that you read them at all, where you put them, and the proper phrasing and politeness to be used when dealing with Customer Service. Our legal department assures us that they have created sufficient doubt in juries regarding such situations before this and stand ready to do so again, and further suggest that in order to keep things civil all around, you consider openly admitting, in writing, that this is all your fault, especially since you wouldn't remember otherwise. Enclosed please find an Open Confession Of Magic-Induced Amnesiac Guilt form, along with a guideline for filling it out in a way which will close this correspondence once and for all. (You will need to provide your own stamp.)
In advance of your inevitably discovering the theft or admitting to your obvious fault in this matter, we regret to inform you that we cannot ship replacement issues, as all editions go out of print as soon as they are shipped. However, as a courtesy and sign of respect for your having been with us for so many years, enclosed please find a free postage-due copy of our Collector's Catalog, where you may purchase rare issues starting from last week's edition. Order soon -- the prices are going up!
(Ask about our ultra-rare Cover Torn Off During Delivery Variation! Only twenty left in stock!)
Dear Ms. Sparkle,
Your subscription mailing address has been altered as follows:
Previous address: Department Of Ancient History, Canterlot Archives
New address: Department Of Ancient History, Canterlot Archives
Dear Ms. Sparkle,
Do you have anything better to do than send us letters once per week for nearly two years regarding a claimed problem which our records show does not exist? (Because a true researcher would.) Again: your subscription can currently be found at what our original subscription records guarantee is the proper address. We do not know what is happening at the School For Gifted Unicorns which prevents students from receiving their mail, but our legal department informs us that it is not our fault in any way. Should you continue to pester us in this fashion, we will have no choice but to report you to your principal.
Good day.
Dear Ms. Sparkle,
And how are we supposed to know how old you are? According to our former customer service representative whom we were forced to track down (see enclosed finder's fee bill), you refused to answer the identity verification questions!
Clearly this is proof that you are not who you claim to be. Whoever that is. I'm sure this invented claim of 'Element-Bearer' is very important within the realm of your delusion. However, as we have no interest in being part of such pointless fantasies, please be sure to omit us from any and all such error-induced hallucinations in the future. Additionally, our legal department wishes us to suggest that you pick a more authentic-sounding title, as they feel yours is just stupid.
We have also noted that you have yet to renew your subscription. May we point out that if you send in your voucher today, we will include a completely authentic Star Swirl replica hat bell?
Dear criminal,
We are on to you.
How low can you possibly sink? To try and take the identity of another for your own selfish purposes is one thing, but to falsely claim that status? Everypony knows who Princess Twilight is! You couldn't even be bothered to place the proper title in any of your previous correspondence with us! How long did you think it would take us to catch on to your falsehoods?
Well, you are not going to get away with this. We have passed on all relevant information regarding your attempt to steal the rightful magazines of the Princess to the Guards, including that which we have reconstructed from our best interpretation of the events. Additionally, from this point forward, all issues will be sent directly to the palace, where such a party clearly resides and has been waiting for the articles which you have stolen, with instructions to our subscription department to never ever change that destination again for all of her expected lifespan.
We suggest you stay right where you are and await the arrest which you so dearly deserve.
You are scum. You are the lowest of the low. Diamond Dogs would not dig down to the level where you belong. Tartarus is too good for the likes of you. And as such, we are rescinding your previously-offered subscription discount. From now on, you pay 95% of full price, but only if you respond within ten days. Otherwise, we will be forced to increase your rate.
(Please note that we do send to all major prisons. Some articles may be censored.)
From: Subscription Services, Thaumaturgy Review
To: Librarian In Residence, Ponyville Branch
Have you considered the benefits your settled zone's residents would gain from a library subscription to our magazine?
We feature the finest in magical study, and have for centuries! By restricting our submissions to only allow articles from those with at least forty years of experience, we ensure a quality publication based in true knowledge, without any undue "wild ideas". When it comes to applying the wisdom of the ages against the ill-advised experiments of the modern day, you'll find no better debunking source. Heard a theory you think is stupid? We've probably already rejected it!
And today, we can offer a subscription rate unlike any we've ever offered before! That's right: if you take advantage right now during our Help Us Rebuild Our Customer Service And Legal Department Offices Drive, you can lock in for a full decade at a mere 25% of cover price!***
So tell the unicorns in your settled zone to queue up! Consider ordering extra copies so nopony will have to wait! And to really get your branch's archives in order, consult our Collector's Catalog and purchase a full line of back issues! (Ask about our recently-released Singed And Scorched Variation! Never-before offered! Only six thousand left in stock!)
Thaumaturgy Review. Because wherever a serious researcher should find their studies taking them, we should be there too -- keeping them in line.
*** Full payment in advance. Bits only: no vouchers of any kind. First four or more issues will be black and white only until we are sufficiently funded to rebuild our color presses. Please include the following information on your subscription form: your birthdate, a list of all other magazines you subscribe to, shopping interests, mailing lists you are already on, any recent proximity to unexpected Rainbow Blasts Of Death, and the names of any cheap & reliable repairponies you may know.
Due to certain financial and legal issues, we are currently unable to ship outside Canterlot. (Out-of-region subscribers may travel to our offices and pick up their copies at their own discretion and expense.) Thank you.
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HA!
The gaps in the story write itself...and, the imagination of what exactly happened...
And, having had to deal with Customer Service people, just the ability to go over and have a reasoned discussion (+/- Royal Canterlotian Voice) with them, ending with explosions would have been so very therapeutic...
You know it's my job to write some letters that are scarily similar to these.
I like to think mine are a little politer
A little
"Firstly, please turn off and restart your library."
5210870 "Have you tried restarting your mailbox?"
5210872
"Did you check if your magic was turned off?"
Brilliant!
Of course, what's really funny, is that as soon as she finally got her address changed, her library gets destroyed.
5210874 "Is everything properly plugged into your dragon?"
Have you tried turning it off and on again?
5210897 "Is your library on or off? If your mailbox on or off? Are both on at the same time?"
5210893
"Please note that if the dragon is objecting, you've done it wrong."
5210870
I so wish I could have done something like that, but that sort of problem is really more Ratchette's department.
Hmm...
5210893
"Do you have your dragon's serial number? No? Well, do you have the receipt from when your dragon was hatched? Do you know the model of his ignition glands?"
5210912 "Please note, we no longer support the GREEN DRAGON model. We recommend that you upgrade to the new BLUE DRAGON model, with 20% more flame power and a cup holder."
5210912
"Once the eggshell has been cracked, your dragon is no longer under warranty."
5210922
5210924
Why not take this opportunity to trade in your Dragon for an up to 8% discount on Dragon Plus? Did you know that over 60% of the materials used in Dragon can be recycled as fashion, pet food, or construction material? It's true!
5210904
I am now imagining a Ratchette-made giant dragon mech-suit made to be piloted by Spike for the purpose of destroying unhelpful office buildings.
5210960 "If you turn in your DRAGON, we will offer the market retail price trade-in on a new PHOENIX with a family sharing plan."
Oh Twilight., that's nothing that an accidental asteroid drop won't fix...
Or, on the other hoof...
5210960
YES.
...That is insanely infuriating. Considering your previous blog post, I imagine you might have had a source of inspiration nearby and it showed. Well done.
Please excuse me while I go release that anger on some unsuspecting piece of furniture
Glad to see your recent annoyance with customer service has resulted in such a great piece.
And this is why I don't subscribe to anything. <.<
5210892
I think I actually heard a sad trombone sound effect when I read that.
As they say, life imitates magazine subs.
Or, like, something....
It's time for some cleansing fire, Twilight, nobody will blame you for burning them down. Their building, them personally, whichever.
Imagining the circumstances behind that ending is so satisfying.
i do not think celistia will be very happy with them
About halfway through, I thought the following: "You know, the more I read about this Equestria, the more I wonder how Twilight has managed to keep herself from declaring it a lost cause, burning it down, and starting over from scratch."
I believe I now have my answer. Most of the time, it isn't so up-front about its ridiculousness.
Glad to see something constructive came of your frustration. Thank you for sharing it with us.
5210902
"No, ma'am. The mailbox is not a cup holder."
And no way to blame it on Derpy, either. Nicely done.
Estee, you have a wonderful talent for writing antagonists that the readers want to inflict suffering upon. I feel Twilight's pain and rage, mostly rage, even though you only wrote the responses of the magazine company.
I can imagine that Twilight will be tearing apart the entire periodical publishing industry once she gets around to using her royal authority. There will be a complete halt of all newspapers and periodicals for a few days while Twilight passes laws to clean up the system. Laws against libel come to mind. Twilight will probably force a few other laws into place specifically to destroy Murdock. I suggest a law giving her the right of search and seizure if a given individual is found passing counterfeits multiple times (and that right should be retroactive to catch him for all of those lawyers paid with counterfeits). Another law to force all businesses above a certain size to purchase those devices that check for counterfeits. A third law to punish those that still pass counterfeits despite having devices to check for them.
Counterfeits are a serious crime that can destroy a nation's economy. The punishments for passing counterfeits depends on the culture, but one punishment I have heard of was cutting off a hand and cauterizing the wound in boiling oil (use pony equivalent?). Making the things, in the numbers that Murdock appears to be making them, could be punished with execution via being boiled in oil.
Rereading this, I just realized that it sounds like Twilight, Rainbow Dash, or all six bearers may have destroyed that publishing company during one of their adventures.
"Signed and Scorched Variation" hmm? Methinks that they may soon be going out of business.
Edit. Maybe it was not the Bearers. Maybe it was all of the customers rioting against the 'customer service' branch of the company.
Or maybe the higher ups in the company destroyed that branch after realizing that they had gotten on a Princesses bad side.
One day, the Internet will come to Estee's version of Equestria.
The only question is-will the craters where certain ISP providers previously were be named or numbered?
5210856 As a computer person, I have BEEN customer support. 90% of problems are Unplugged Cord. 9% are Viruses.
For those 99%, Snark such as this story makes life worth living.
For the other 1%, well that's when Tech Support throws up their hands and goes:
(Yes the people whose sole job it is to know all 3.9 million lines of code can occasionally have breakdowns. Sometimes we remember to mute the phone first. Sometimes we HAVE a phone to mute. Remember, if your in-home tech support starts weeping, the recommended solution is a quality beer. 30% or more alcohol. Then go to the store and buy a new one. Trust us. We have our tear ducts surgically removed so we can't weep.) 
Well, if they are willing to slander a princess by saying she isn't who she says she is, tell them the following:
'Sue me'
Then go about and give them your location and the number of the local guards so they can collect you like the criminal scum you are. So then you can have a sequel were they try and bullshit the court into believing 'no, that isn't the real Princess Twilight Sparkle, just someone who looks like her and lives in her house and is trying to have a magazine subscription redirected to said house. No, we have no real proof, we get rid of everything after every letter. No, it shouldn't matter that she has a copy of everything and legal witnesses, one of which is Celestia herself. She is probably a fake too. Who would believe Celestia is that tall? That is obviously an anorexic elephant. We are in the right. Also super smart.'
Then Twilight becomes the nightmare and has the shortest, and most accurate tyrannical reign in history. No pony knows why she only attacked a few layers and one magazine company, they could only guess. Probably had something to do with that purple faker pretending to be her to get a magazine.
Dear Subscriber,
Recently a number of your issues of our fine magazine have been returned, marked 'Library Destroyed by Elder God.' As there presently is no such catagory within our return department, we will be forced to bill your account for both the delivery and the return mail charges until such time as the problem can be resolved on your end. We would like to encourage you to take this opportunity to renew your subscription for an additional year at only 80% of our list price, with a free signed poster of Princess Twilight Sparkle being coronated in Canterlot. This is a limited time offer, extending only to our existing stocks of posters. Regretably, the previous promotional poster of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza's wedding have been recalled, due to a misprint showing her to have green eyes, when they are actually purple.
ha
I would like to imagine that, due to their superb routing, the notification to the Royal Guard was delivered straight to Shining Armor. Yes, in the Crystal Empire.
5211571 It pretty heavily implies that Twilight burnt down their offices. Or ordered the Royal Guard to do so. Or ordered the Customer Service Department of Thaumaturgy Review to do so on pain of [censored], and then left them to suffer whatever punishments their CEO could dream up to make the ones responsible suffer (as they obviously can't blame the Princess (and still be legally permitted to use the Postal Office)). Or led a mob of all Thaumaturgy Review subscribers who have ever written to the Thaumaturgy Review Customer Service Department. Or the burning of buildings is the appropriate legal action when one attempts to sue a Princess over... well, anything.
You, sir or madam, have earned a cookie and a moustache.
5211782 I told a person once the best option for repairing their computer was to take it out back, have it shot, and buy a new computer.
But, then again, it was an eMachine...
Ha! I can just imagine right after the Elements destroy the Customer Service and Legal Department buildings.
"Do you believe I'm Princess Twilight now!"
And after that last letter I think the rest of their buildings will be coming down too.
I can't see these guys to survive long after the last one...
I have a feeling this reflects a true-to-life experience....
And then the building was hit with a mysterious flaming boulder with the word "Tom" engraved into them, resulting in the immediate shutdown of the business in question.
5212652 Ouch. Then again, it was better than a Chromebook (bigger target), or a Macbook Air (too little materiel to make a satisfying target).
The worst one I've had to put out to pasture was a 12 year old Dell Desktop, back when they still made the casing out of metal. Took four .30-06 shots to break the motherboard, then we buried it.
My favorite though, that belonged to an old Macintosh (the one that was all screen and no substance). I broke a carbon fiber axe handle bashing in the CRT monitor. But Damn was it satisfying.
I was expecting it to finally get changed the day before Books and Branches got nuked by Tirek. The ending is equally satisfying, though. Good read! ^_^
Peace,
~C
This was awesome!
5210924
5210968
This seems relevant: Customer service worker suspended for failing Turing test.
Hilarious!
5210904
Instead of the "Dear criminal" letter, I could instead see something like this being the cause of the final letter:
"Dear Ms. Sparkle,
We have forwarded your letter to our legal department and they do not understand how 'sending three fillies on a field trip to [our] offices to see whether 'CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS MAGAZINE PUBLISHERS, YAY!' is successful' constitutes a threat, legal or otherwise. In fact, we are always looking for eager new unpaid interns and would welcome such volunteers. We also do not understand why you have sent us property insurance brochures from every major Equestrian provider of such services, nor do we see why you have pointed out that 'Acts of Discord' are not covered under any circumstance..."
5210861
And it is my job to take those letters and forms, verify/update the address, and sort them in order, so mail ponies like Derpy and deliver them easier...
Perhaps the Thaumaturgy Review would be interested in purchasing NCOA service? I guarantee the license and annual audits will be cheaper than having to rebuild twice a year after a Rainboom strike. NCOA also (as the name suggests) helps keep track and updates new addresses; this will vastly reduce the size and incidents of pitchfork+torch wielding mobs raiding your corporate headquarters.
Bonus!
Sooner or later, someone is going to come along, see that there are zero downvotes, and click it just because they can.
That person is the worst kind of person.
5210986
5210960
You mean something like this?:
Twilight, here is your solution.
Take the entire sum of your correspondence with this company.
Mail it to Celestia via dragon fire.
Explain to her that the frustration they are causing you is becoming an active distraction from your studies, and your efforts to understand the magic of Friendship and the Elements of Harmony, and as such constitute a threat to national security.
Ask her to sort this out for you.
...
Alternatively, Spike, do the above, begging Celestia for help on account of Twilight going crazy over this.