Brain cancer.
It slowly eats you from the inside out, taking your mind hostage as it takes out your physical abilities one by one.
AppleBloom doesn't know why her big sister is in the hospital.
But she's determined to save her.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 3rd Aug, 2014
- offline last seen Jul 27th, 2016
BewhoUr
I don't care if you're black, white, bisexual, straight, gay, lesbian, short, tall, fat, skinny, rich, or poor. If you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you. Simple as that.
BewhoUr
Joined 3rd Aug, 2014 ·
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Felt a bit too rushed, and could benefit from some editing. I like the concept though. Normally, all the stories I read have the younger sibling being the dying one. It's nice seeing something else for a change.
5178791
Thank you good sir/ma'am!
Took me about 30 minutes to write this XD
And I agree that its a bit rushed.
I dislike it when the younger dies first as well. It seems... unfinished.
I'll use your advice in future works!
5178806 30 minutes? Not bad at all. I like the ending; it's sort of bittersweet.
5178814
Thankies! ;3
Yeah, that ending told me AppleBloom would be alright in a way.
As I say, I've taken the pen away and its up to her now ;D
The first large chunk was all I had problems with writing wise.
Throat I spotted that mistake.
As for the cobra wrapping detail I think describing it felt like perhaps a Boa etc would have worked better but that is just nitpicking cobra works just as well.
Other wise Writing is excellent as always you brought your flavor to another fic., That is good and glad to see you are pushing yourself to something else.
Ok so Writing- 4/5
Style- 5/5
Now that I've given my view on style etc., shall we talk story?
As far as story and plot goes.- I feel it is a bit rushed....
AJ is Dying and bed ridden - you throw us into that for just story purposes I guess.
How did this happen?
When did it start affecting her.
How did it take away from what made her well her.
None of this is explained well not in true detail anyway and what we get is a goodbye with no real build up so it doesn't really make us feel like we lost something.
Not saying this is a Bad fic not at all it could be, a story that would blow us all away!!-
We just need a story rather then just a scene., if you continue this and show us the build up, the drama etc this opening scene could be a masterpiece in showing us the end of a story then filling in the begining.
You've seen those movies where it starts at the end we know the character is dying or defeated but it shows us why, and at the end of the begining we piece it all together and feel for the character.
If this is indeed just a One shot... Then I feel robbed a bit it is a scene stripped of its tale and given to us so we will feel kinda sad or maybe a little sad but nothing more behind it.
I hope this is not the case.
Writing- 4/5
Style- 5/5
Plot- 3/5- if continued and will prob rise. or 1.5 to 2/5 if a one shot.
Story- 3/5 might rise again if continued or 2/5 if a one shot.
I soooo hope you don't think I'm lashing out against you or anything.
I'm your biggest fan.
But you said it yourself you felt something might be missing here.
Yes it is- The Muse.
I say tighten down and give us a story that I know is here and will be great.
If continued I see great things in the future for this.
Main reason I'm giving a bare bones review here is that you sound like you don't want to continue this maybe just posted for the sake of posting?
Lol I think I'm just looking too deep into this.
Continue with this and the praise will come.
Need help with it in the future I'm always open to brainstorm etc or give my two cents as well.
Like The White Room- you have a explosive idea here just look deeper. maybe take this on as a large project.
Now I'm just prattling on.
Ahem overall review!!!
Five Crying Appleblooms out of 10
( Come Little Pony You'll Like Being Dead.)
( That's What They Said About Being Alive!!! )
5178927
Thanks so much!
I will continue this, I do enjoy writing about the apples.
Of course I don't feel like you're lashing out on me! I didn't really post this for the sake of popularity, more because
"Hey, I wrote this."
Anyway, I agree it was lacking and as always am very happy with your review
Wow just read you wrote this in 30 minutes???
that is excellent in itself very nice job, you have a gift for writing.
Glad you will continue I'll keep it in my gaze for the future.
On a side note I also thumbs up'd...Thumbs up't?
Errr... High Hoofed you.
Yeah That sounds right.
Love this story I would love to be your number one friend
please
5178973
XD
Thanks!
*Hoofbump*
5178975
Hi!
I'd like to get to know you, thanks for your praise!
Oh man... This story... It hits me right in the feels.
I personally have had an experience wiht brain cancer, because one of my best friends had it, and it's... Shattering, to say the least. So... Let's just say I'm happy someone can accurately describe my pain.
Okay, very simple thing, all it would take is a find/replace to fix. Apple Bloom. That is her name. It's a common mistake, after all, her sister is Applejack, so Applebloom just seems right. It's not.
5179092
Aww, I'm so sorry :(
I'm happy that I at least wrote something that helped, even if only a little.
5179151
Sorry!
Now that I think about it, it does make sense.
Thanks for pointing it out!
5179160 No problem.
I thought long and hard about what to comment (as I like to comment on all stories I read), but I really can't come up with anything to add to this. I'm touched.
And, like Wafflez, I too have had an all too terrible experience with brain cancer, and this really hits home with me.
Truely only one other story has touched me in a way like this, that being a story I read a long time ago on this site about Winona's last weeks (I have forgotten the name, but if you do find it, it is a very good read).
Well, now I'm sappy, aren't I?
5180130
I'm so sorry!
I know it sounds sappy, but I'm here for you, ok?
I'm glad my fiction touched you!
hum not really sure it is a bit rushed but I am confused as to the uncompleted tag this reads more like a one shot. or is there a plan going on here????
5182241
I have a plan indeed... :3
I will keep a eye on this story then and see ware it goes.
5182323
Many thanks
5214298
I may continue it at some future point, going back in the past and showing aj circling the drain.
I liked it
The Feels.
No, just cause AJ died, i am not going to do it...
Im not gonna do it...
APPLEJACK, COME BACK
I hope Granny takes it well
Thank you for writing this. I lost my dad to brain cancer almost eight years ago, and watching it take him oh so slowly was difficult to watch. This story was beautifully written and you've done an amazing job.