5232306 Sorry, I have taken this long to respond to your review. I thank you for your words. I will put them to good use in the future.

If they had just made a more thorough check of the house's background, they would have been safe. It turned out to be the site of Satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.

Ewwww... John Denver...

5241742 Lot of history at that house. 35 ponies died at that house. Some say you can still see their ghosts there. Some skiers went there for the night and were killed by a wolfboy who escaped from a mental institution. And that ski slope was once the burial ground of vambie-alien-witches that ate the flesh of children with no eyes. Yep, lot of history at that house.

5242396
You're going to the Winter house, ain't ya? You'll never come back again. It's got a death curse! I'm a messenger of Celestia. You're doomed if you stay here! I told the others, they didn't believe me. You're all doomed. You're all doomed.

5245166

I met her 15 years ago, I was told there was nothing left. No conscious... no understanding, not even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, good or evil... Right or wrong. I met this... six year old child. Blank, pale, emotionless face and... the blackest eyes. The devil's eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach her and then another seven trying to keep her locked up, cause I realized what was living behind that girl's eyes was purely and simply evil.

Well played. Well played.

5246443 Always good to meet a fellow horror fan.

The more I read of this, it sounds like HP Lovecraft meets "Hell Night" with Linda Blair.

I will now look forward to the audiobook read by Jeffrey Combs.

5250852 Where do you think inspiration for Mrs. Winter came from?

5251047 Well played, my friend.

5269450 Cuba: Kill her, mommy. Kill her.

I haven't even started reading yet, and the cover art references the Stanley Hotel! I am looking forward to this.

5281186 Be sure to thank Hudson Hawk The artwork was his idea. And it's much better than the one I was using. I hope you enjoy it.

5281186
When I was reading this, the Overlook Hotel stood in for the Winter Mansion in my mind, so when I made the cover, I found a nice black and white picture of the Stanley Hotel to stand in for the Casa De Winter.

5311025
My fault. I edited and proofread, I should have caught them.

5311025 You have no reason to apologize. This is the most thorough review I have ever received and for that I thank you.

I've always had reviews in the past but never ones that actually said what was wrong. I've just gotten that their are some things to fix and then given a website to improve my writing. That doesn't work for me. I can't learn something I'm doing wrong on a website if I can't pinpoint it.

And what you've done, you've done flawlessly for me. You've pointed out exactly where I need to hit and where I can improve. That way when I go further into my writing career or do the next story, I have more of an idea of what to look for rather than just guess and pray.

Thank you for your review and words. And don't feel bad about them. I welcome any and all criticism. I know I have a long way to go still and I'm never going to get there if I don't fail sometimes. After all, if I dish it out, I'd better be able to take it.

As for your review, take your time. There is no need for you to rush it. The story isn't going anywhere.

5311126 No apologies needed. You can't catch everything and these were things I needed to learn.

5311660

No problem, I'm glad I was able to provide some help.

But I wanted to add to my review of this chapter. I wrote this Chapter's review at 3 in the morning, so I totally forgot to talk about this.

If you want to use repetition, use it specifically for rhetorical effect. It's definitely possible to use similes several times in a row for rhetorical effect - but the use of rhetoric lengthens the intervals between the times when you can re-use the same rhetorical device.

Repetition is great for emphasis, but I'd suggest not using the same rhetorical device again for maybe another 500-1000 words (these numbers are relative ... and just a suggestion; take this with a grain of salt) - otherwise it gets quite noticeable and people will be thinking "Wait, didn't he just do that?" This applies to other rhetorical devices too. Just don't overdo it to the point where it screams "I DID THIS ALREADY BUT I HOPE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE IT!"

(also ... you spelled 'thirst' wrong in your description. Can't believe I didn't catch that.)

5312498 I see. Thank you again for your help. I always appreciate anyone who puts me in the right direction. I can't believe I didn't catch my spelling error. Thank you for your keen eyes.

5347186

< doesn't watch Doctor Who

* hangs head dejectedly *

So, finally got around to reading this. Took my sweet time, right?

This was good. This was really, really good.

It actually felt similar to a survival-horror game like Amnesia or Outlast, where you couldn't fight back against whatever was chasing you, you could only run and hide.

The first chapter was very well done. You really were worried about what was going to happen, especially since the mental state of the stallion was... questionable at best. After the time-skip, the build-up to the horror starting was very nicely paced. It gave us some time to settle in without making us check our watches to see if it was time yet. Characterization was very good as well, Scootaloo in particular. And Mrs. Winter, what little screen-time she had, was super fucking creepy. The statues, the newspaper clippings. The stallion doesn't seem like the type that would bother with that. So who else would put up those things? Mrs. Winter would.

If I had to pick one scene in particular that was my favorite, it's a toss up between when Scootaloo is hiding in the closet and has her flashback and when the Crusaders see Mrs. Winter talking with the chained up Cheerilee. The first because this is fanfiction and you could very well have killed off Scootaloo there, hence some genuine nail-biting from me, and because the flashback was another nice tidbit of character. The second because of the implication of what Mrs. Winter was saving Cheerilee for, which is doubly creepy because Mrs. Winter is Cheerilee's former foal-sitter. She probably watched her grow up, obviously remembered her well enough to track her down, and - ...Jesus.

Oh, and when Cheerilee shoves Mrs. Winter down the staircase. That was fucking awesome.

And I especially liked how you didn't pull some bullshit sequel hook out of your ass for no reason. And the fact that they're all in therapy, which is where they should be after all that, is very nice.

Rating: Four Emotinally-Scarred Ponies out of Four

Favorite Line:

Suddenly, with a cry normally reserved for a warrior princess, Cheerilee lunged at Mrs. Winter, shoving her back. This time, Mrs. Winter tumbled down the staircase, crashing and thudding her way down.

Final Verdict: 'They're hospitality will be the death of you.'

"And it isn't getting a favorable review on Yelp either."

5347253 For shame.

LOL.

Seriously though, you have to watch Doctor Who. It will make you terrified of things you never thought you could be terrified of.

5348623

It actually felt similar to a survival-horror game like Amnesia or Outlast, where you couldn't fight back against whatever was chasing you, you could only run and hide.

Its funny that you say that because a lot of my inspiration came from games like that. That was what I wanted to go for. Something is a lot less scary when you can fight back.

I'm really glad you enjoyed it. It was my first attempt at doing horror and actually, it was a lot of fun.

The most important thing for me in this story was not to kill any of the major characters. We've seen that before in so many stories in the past that I didn't want to be,one of those writers. I just didn't want to do that without a good reason. And just doing it for the gore wasn't going to work for me.

Mrs. Winter was a lot of fun to work with despite her not being in the story very long. And I loved the world I got to build with her, without her actually being there. This mare who is so devoted to her child that the child can do no wrong. And that's scary. When the parent condones the actions of the child who is murdering others. That's scary to me.

I'm really glad you enjoyed it. I'm glad you read it. I'm thankful for the review and I'm thankful for the faves. Thank you for all you've done and your honest words.

5348623
For added fun, read Mrs. Winter's lines in Betsy Palmer's voice.

5651960 Didn't even notice that. Thanks for catching that.

Found this
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You can has review!