The Cutie Mark Crusaders have been invited to a mansion for the weekend with the promise of it being the best weekend ever. ... So why does it feel like it might be their last?
Okay, here we go. Finally got to reading this Chapter.
First of all, I feel as if this was a step down from the previous one. Maybe the first was edited more? Because your mastery of atmosphere and tone that you demonstrated in the first, sort of flat-lined in this Chapter.
as if screamng for their attention.
Your use of similes is extremely excessive. It really killed it for me. You appeared to be using similes to make the setting seem more ... well, mysterious, personifying the setting and the mansion as if it were alive and trying to coax the ponies inside. This might've worked if you hadn't used "as if" or similes in general so often. If you use it too many times, the effect of the simile becomes diminished; instead, you should use these literary devices one or two times every several thousand words, because the impact of a well-planned, well-developed literary device can be ground breaking, especially if you catch the reader off guard with them - meaning they're not often enough to become annoying or expected.
She felt a combined sense of awe and fright.
If you're trying to build tension or fear, or show tension or fear in your characters, don't simply tell the reader what they're feeling. Tell us the looks on their faces, their mannerisms, the cadence of their anxious breaths - don't ever straight up tell us what the characters are doing. Especially since this is supposed to be a horror story. You need to build the fear through exposition, not tell us to be afraid.
but it refused to budge. Scootaloo raised an eyebrow and pushed on the door even harder, but it still refused to move.
You tended to repeat words throughout this Chapter. If you use a word, don't ever use it again for the next 100-1000 words, because it's rather noticeable and redundant. I'm not saying find some ultra complex synonym to replace it. Just don't do the same thing twice consecutively.
She wasn’t sure which one of them was more afraid.
Again, I want to put emphasis on making the readers feel scared, and not telling them to be scared. In this instance, describe the looks on the CMC's faces. Their widened eyes staring down the hall with fear as they took a few hoofsteps back.
Also, you used 'feet' a few times. Yes, horses have feet, but it's still kind of strange seeing that in a fimfic when they're usually described as hooves. The first thing people think of when they see feet is a human foot. It's pretty lame, and physiologically incorrect, but it is how it is.
Here are a few other things I wanted to point out that sort of bothered me:
“Wow, this place is so much bigger on the inside.” Apple Bloom gave a smirk. “You read too many comic books!”
How is this relevant?
almost like a soft wooden board.
Could've used a better comparison.
All in all, this Chapter and its atmosphere was rather bland. It didn't have the same effect on me as it did on the previous Chapter. I wasn't on the edge of my seat trying to see what was going to happen next; I was actually relaxed, and found that being told to feel scared was rather tedious and irritating at times.
I hope I wasn't too blunt with this. I hate to hurt people's feelings, and you seem to really love writing (the amount of publications you've made amount to this). This was your first attempt at horror, so I think it's understandable.
One piece of advice I can give you though is read a lot of horror. Get interested in Lovecraft and Poe, as they are the masters of all things horror. Only by reading stories written by the best, can you be the best.
I'll get to reading the rest soon. I'm going to be on vacation in two days so I hope to get as much done here as possible during that time.
Okay, here we go. Finally got to reading this Chapter.
First of all, I feel as if this was a step down from the previous one. Maybe the first was edited more? Because your mastery of atmosphere and tone that you demonstrated in the first, sort of flat-lined in this Chapter.
Your use of similes is extremely excessive. It really killed it for me. You appeared to be using similes to make the setting seem more ... well, mysterious, personifying the setting and the mansion as if it were alive and trying to coax the ponies inside. This might've worked if you hadn't used "as if" or similes in general so often. If you use it too many times, the effect of the simile becomes diminished; instead, you should use these literary devices one or two times every several thousand words, because the impact of a well-planned, well-developed literary device can be ground breaking, especially if you catch the reader off guard with them - meaning they're not often enough to become annoying or expected.
If you're trying to build tension or fear, or show tension or fear in your characters, don't simply tell the reader what they're feeling. Tell us the looks on their faces, their mannerisms, the cadence of their anxious breaths - don't ever straight up tell us what the characters are doing. Especially since this is supposed to be a horror story. You need to build the fear through exposition, not tell us to be afraid.
You tended to repeat words throughout this Chapter. If you use a word, don't ever use it again for the next 100-1000 words, because it's rather noticeable and redundant. I'm not saying find some ultra complex synonym to replace it. Just don't do the same thing twice consecutively.
Again, I want to put emphasis on making the readers feel scared, and not telling them to be scared. In this instance, describe the looks on the CMC's faces. Their widened eyes staring down the hall with fear as they took a few hoofsteps back.
Also, you used 'feet' a few times. Yes, horses have feet, but it's still kind of strange seeing that in a fimfic when they're usually described as hooves. The first thing people think of when they see feet is a human foot. It's pretty lame, and physiologically incorrect, but it is how it is.
Here are a few other things I wanted to point out that sort of bothered me:
How is this relevant?
Could've used a better comparison.
All in all, this Chapter and its atmosphere was rather bland. It didn't have the same effect on me as it did on the previous Chapter. I wasn't on the edge of my seat trying to see what was going to happen next; I was actually relaxed, and found that being told to feel scared was rather tedious and irritating at times.
I hope I wasn't too blunt with this. I hate to hurt people's feelings, and you seem to really love writing (the amount of publications you've made amount to this). This was your first attempt at horror, so I think it's understandable.
One piece of advice I can give you though is read a lot of horror. Get interested in Lovecraft and Poe, as they are the masters of all things horror. Only by reading stories written by the best, can you be the best.
I'll get to reading the rest soon. I'm going to be on vacation in two days so I hope to get as much done here as possible during that time.
5311025 Dat Doctor Who reference.