The Cutie Mark Crusaders have been invited to a mansion for the weekend with the promise of it being the best weekend ever. ... So why does it feel like it might be their last?
I'm sensing a lot of Lovecraftian horror vibes, especially with that obscure, sadistic dark God you've introduced, and the psychological horror you've got going on here. We as the reader are not sure whether or not the character, the father, is entirely sane. He seems to be completely convinced that he is doing the right thing, but the fact that he is so meticulous about his work, the fact that he's so obsessed with it brings to the question whether or not that foal is actually what he believes it to be.
I like that. I like how you made me question the father's sanity right off the bat. The whole 'counting my steps' thing was an excellent detail, and it helped emphasize the father's obsession with killing this baby. This suggests that he's been practicing, stalking the halls over and over to prepare for the deed that must be done. This is definitely a sign of a psychopath at work.
I was lead to believe that he was really going to kill his child. The build up to it was perfect, and your choice of syntax really helped with the pacing and build up of dread to the climax of this chapter.
The fact that you also refrained from connecting the male pony we start with to the family of the the foal really helped with showing that he's just completely lost touch with reality and his own family. I was truly shocked at the end when I found that that would-be murderer was the foal's father.
This first chapter also reminded me about Edgar Allen Poe's works, especially with the whole murderously insane character thing. You pulled off the psychotic character personality well. And the amount of detail you put into the character's thought processes were just divine.
Although I would suggest reading this over again. You've got a few little tiny errors that kind of broke my immersion, but looking past that, this was a great start.
its good but I won't give it a fav unless Scoots survives
5091603 Fair enough.
I'm sensing a lot of Lovecraftian horror vibes, especially with that obscure, sadistic dark God you've introduced, and the psychological horror you've got going on here. We as the reader are not sure whether or not the character, the father, is entirely sane. He seems to be completely convinced that he is doing the right thing, but the fact that he is so meticulous about his work, the fact that he's so obsessed with it brings to the question whether or not that foal is actually what he believes it to be.
I like that. I like how you made me question the father's sanity right off the bat. The whole 'counting my steps' thing was an excellent detail, and it helped emphasize the father's obsession with killing this baby. This suggests that he's been practicing, stalking the halls over and over to prepare for the deed that must be done. This is definitely a sign of a psychopath at work.
I was lead to believe that he was really going to kill his child. The build up to it was perfect, and your choice of syntax really helped with the pacing and build up of dread to the climax of this chapter.
The fact that you also refrained from connecting the male pony we start with to the family of the the foal really helped with showing that he's just completely lost touch with reality and his own family. I was truly shocked at the end when I found that that would-be murderer was the foal's father.
This first chapter also reminded me about Edgar Allen Poe's works, especially with the whole murderously insane character thing. You pulled off the psychotic character personality well. And the amount of detail you put into the character's thought processes were just divine.
Although I would suggest reading this over again. You've got a few little tiny errors that kind of broke my immersion, but looking past that, this was a great start.