- Member Since 2nd Dec, 2012
- offline last seen Apr 14th, 2017
spideremblembrony
Hey, guys, got a story you need reviewed? Well, feel free to send me a private message with the story you want reviewed and I will give you a review as soon as I can.
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- False Door · 7.8k words · 55 6 · 897 views
- totallynotabrony · 6.8k words · 564 13 · 11k views
- BronyMaster64 · 1.9k words · 34 5 · 993 views
- S-Clark · 3.6k words · 14 0 · 751 views
- flawlessvictory20 · 13k words · 32 2 · 1.2k views
- Unahim · 70k words · 1,617 233 · 147k views
- Sirdubya · 508k words · 276 18 · 5.5k views
- forestt · 2.3k words · 18 1 · 666 views
Featured In63
- A720 stories ·113 members
The Writers' Group56,376 stories ·9,290 members
Dark8,311 stories ·3,761 members
Cutie Mark Crusaders4,487 stories ·1,745 members
- author help (a group made to help new and old authors with fic's)1,792 stories ·682 members
- Comment/Review Trade782 stories ·125 members
- Struggling Authors25,169 stories ·3,671 members
- Rookies on the Rise2,990 stories ·1,133 members
Stats
Page generated in 0.134 seconds
Total duration
930 users online
413,109 hits today, 2,004,447 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
its good but I won't give it a fav unless Scoots survives
5091603 Fair enough.
There's only one solution: Cutie Mark Crusader death trap builders!
5159849 Hmm... Ideas!
5160150
I am now angry at the lack of Home Alone stories staring the Crusaders.
Great new ending.
And the modified flashback is cool too.
Hey, Murphy's Law! We're going to need another Timmy over here!
5178653 That would totally work. It would certainly make Sweet Apple Massacre better.
5178656 I'm glad it worked. I'm sorry I hadn't had a chance to run it by you.
I'm sensing a lot of Lovecraftian horror vibes, especially with that obscure, sadistic dark God you've introduced, and the psychological horror you've got going on here. We as the reader are not sure whether or not the character, the father, is entirely sane. He seems to be completely convinced that he is doing the right thing, but the fact that he is so meticulous about his work, the fact that he's so obsessed with it brings to the question whether or not that foal is actually what he believes it to be.
I like that. I like how you made me question the father's sanity right off the bat. The whole 'counting my steps' thing was an excellent detail, and it helped emphasize the father's obsession with killing this baby. This suggests that he's been practicing, stalking the halls over and over to prepare for the deed that must be done. This is definitely a sign of a psychopath at work.
I was lead to believe that he was really going to kill his child. The build up to it was perfect, and your choice of syntax really helped with the pacing and build up of dread to the climax of this chapter.
The fact that you also refrained from connecting the male pony we start with to the family of the the foal really helped with showing that he's just completely lost touch with reality and his own family. I was truly shocked at the end when I found that that would-be murderer was the foal's father.
This first chapter also reminded me about Edgar Allen Poe's works, especially with the whole murderously insane character thing. You pulled off the psychotic character personality well. And the amount of detail you put into the character's thought processes were just divine.
Although I would suggest reading this over again. You've got a few little tiny errors that kind of broke my immersion, but looking past that, this was a great start.
5232306 Sorry, I have taken this long to respond to your review. I thank you for your words. I will put them to good use in the future.
If they had just made a more thorough check of the house's background, they would have been safe. It turned out to be the site of Satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.
Ewwww... John Denver...
5241742
Lot of history at that house. 35 ponies died at that house. Some say you can still see their ghosts there. Some skiers went there for the night and were killed by a wolfboy who escaped from a mental institution. And that ski slope was once the burial ground of vambie-alien-witches that ate the flesh of children with no eyes. Yep, lot of history at that house.
5242396
You're going to the Winter house, ain't ya? You'll never come back again. It's got a death curse! I'm a messenger of Celestia. You're doomed if you stay here! I told the others, they didn't believe me. You're all doomed. You're all doomed.
5245166
I met her 15 years ago, I was told there was nothing left. No conscious... no understanding, not even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, good or evil... Right or wrong. I met this... six year old child. Blank, pale, emotionless face and... the blackest eyes. The devil's eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach her and then another seven trying to keep her locked up, cause I realized what was living behind that girl's eyes was purely and simply evil.
Well played. Well played.
5246443 Always good to meet a fellow horror fan.
The more I read of this, it sounds like HP Lovecraft meets "Hell Night" with Linda Blair.
I will now look forward to the audiobook read by Jeffrey Combs.
If there's anything that Eric Freeman has taught us, an umbrella can be a great weapon.
Also, am I the only one who reads Mrs. Winter's lines in Betsy Palmer's voice?
5250852 Where do you think inspiration for Mrs. Winter came from?
5178669
Okay, Scootaloo. You just pour the nitroglycerin and gelignite into the blender and turn it on, while I get behind this lead shield.
BOOOMMM!!!!
We're going to need another filly!
YAAAYYYY!!!
Scootaloo: The stallion. Is he dead, too?
Luna: Who?
Scootaloo: The stallion. Cuba.
Luna: Cuba?
Scootaloo: In the house, the one - the one who attacked us - the one who tried to kill us.
Luna: My child, we didn't find any stallion.
Scootaloo: But... then he's still out there.
The piano starts to play as we see the smouldering remains of the house...
5251047 Well played, my friend.
Scootaloo: Who are you?
White Winter: Why I'm... I'm Mrs. Winter, an old friend of the Cheerilees'.
5269450 Cuba: Kill her, mommy. Kill her.
5159849
Only if you get a kickass montage of them setting traps with this specific piece of music.
I haven't even started reading yet, and the cover art references the Stanley Hotel! I am looking forward to this.
5281186 Be sure to thank Hudson Hawk The artwork was his idea. And it's much better than the one I was using. I hope you enjoy it.
5281186
When I was reading this, the Overlook Hotel stood in for the Winter Mansion in my mind, so when I made the cover, I found a nice black and white picture of the Stanley Hotel to stand in for the Casa De Winter.
Okay, here we go. Finally got to reading this Chapter.
First of all, I feel as if this was a step down from the previous one. Maybe the first was edited more? Because your mastery of atmosphere and tone that you demonstrated in the first, sort of flat-lined in this Chapter.
Your use of similes is extremely excessive. It really killed it for me. You appeared to be using similes to make the setting seem more ... well, mysterious, personifying the setting and the mansion as if it were alive and trying to coax the ponies inside. This might've worked if you hadn't used "as if" or similes in general so often. If you use it too many times, the effect of the simile becomes diminished; instead, you should use these literary devices one or two times every several thousand words, because the impact of a well-planned, well-developed literary device can be ground breaking, especially if you catch the reader off guard with them - meaning they're not often enough to become annoying or expected.
If you're trying to build tension or fear, or show tension or fear in your characters, don't simply tell the reader what they're feeling. Tell us the looks on their faces, their mannerisms, the cadence of their anxious breaths - don't ever straight up tell us what the characters are doing. Especially since this is supposed to be a horror story. You need to build the fear through exposition, not tell us to be afraid.
You tended to repeat words throughout this Chapter. If you use a word, don't ever use it again for the next 100-1000 words, because it's rather noticeable and redundant. I'm not saying find some ultra complex synonym to replace it. Just don't do the same thing twice consecutively.
Again, I want to put emphasis on making the readers feel scared, and not telling them to be scared. In this instance, describe the looks on the CMC's faces. Their widened eyes staring down the hall with fear as they took a few hoofsteps back.
Also, you used 'feet' a few times. Yes, horses have feet, but it's still kind of strange seeing that in a fimfic when they're usually described as hooves. The first thing people think of when they see feet is a human foot. It's pretty lame, and physiologically incorrect, but it is how it is.
Here are a few other things I wanted to point out that sort of bothered me:
How is this relevant?
Could've used a better comparison.
All in all, this Chapter and its atmosphere was rather bland. It didn't have the same effect on me as it did on the previous Chapter. I wasn't on the edge of my seat trying to see what was going to happen next; I was actually relaxed, and found that being told to feel scared was rather tedious and irritating at times.
I hope I wasn't too blunt with this. I hate to hurt people's feelings, and you seem to really love writing (the amount of publications you've made amount to this). This was your first attempt at horror, so I think it's understandable.
One piece of advice I can give you though is read a lot of horror. Get interested in Lovecraft and Poe, as they are the masters of all things horror. Only by reading stories written by the best, can you be the best.
I'll get to reading the rest soon. I'm going to be on vacation in two days so I hope to get as much done here as possible during that time.
5311025
My fault. I edited and proofread, I should have caught them.
5311025 You have no reason to apologize. This is the most thorough review I have ever received and for that I thank you.
I've always had reviews in the past but never ones that actually said what was wrong. I've just gotten that their are some things to fix and then given a website to improve my writing. That doesn't work for me. I can't learn something I'm doing wrong on a website if I can't pinpoint it.
And what you've done, you've done flawlessly for me. You've pointed out exactly where I need to hit and where I can improve. That way when I go further into my writing career or do the next story, I have more of an idea of what to look for rather than just guess and pray.
Thank you for your review and words. And don't feel bad about them. I welcome any and all criticism. I know I have a long way to go still and I'm never going to get there if I don't fail sometimes. After all, if I dish it out, I'd better be able to take it.
As for your review, take your time. There is no need for you to rush it. The story isn't going anywhere.
5311126 No apologies needed. You can't catch everything and these were things I needed to learn.
5311660
No problem, I'm glad I was able to provide some help.
But I wanted to add to my review of this chapter. I wrote this Chapter's review at 3 in the morning, so I totally forgot to talk about this.
If you want to use repetition, use it specifically for rhetorical effect. It's definitely possible to use similes several times in a row for rhetorical effect - but the use of rhetoric lengthens the intervals between the times when you can re-use the same rhetorical device.
Repetition is great for emphasis, but I'd suggest not using the same rhetorical device again for maybe another 500-1000 words (these numbers are relative ... and just a suggestion; take this with a grain of salt) - otherwise it gets quite noticeable and people will be thinking "Wait, didn't he just do that?" This applies to other rhetorical devices too. Just don't overdo it to the point where it screams "I DID THIS ALREADY BUT I HOPE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE IT!"
(also ... you spelled 'thirst' wrong in your description. Can't believe I didn't catch that.)
5312498 I see. Thank you again for your help. I always appreciate anyone who puts me in the right direction. I can't believe I didn't catch my spelling error. Thank you for your keen eyes.
5311025 Dat Doctor Who reference.
5347186
< doesn't watch Doctor Who
* hangs head dejectedly *
So, finally got around to reading this. Took my sweet time, right?
This was good. This was really, really good.
It actually felt similar to a survival-horror game like Amnesia or Outlast, where you couldn't fight back against whatever was chasing you, you could only run and hide.
The first chapter was very well done. You really were worried about what was going to happen, especially since the mental state of the stallion was... questionable at best. After the time-skip, the build-up to the horror starting was very nicely paced. It gave us some time to settle in without making us check our watches to see if it was time yet. Characterization was very good as well, Scootaloo in particular. And Mrs. Winter, what little screen-time she had, was super fucking creepy. The statues, the newspaper clippings. The stallion doesn't seem like the type that would bother with that. So who else would put up those things? Mrs. Winter would.
If I had to pick one scene in particular that was my favorite, it's a toss up between when Scootaloo is hiding in the closet and has her flashback and when the Crusaders see Mrs. Winter talking with the chained up Cheerilee. The first because this is fanfiction and you could very well have killed off Scootaloo there, hence some genuine nail-biting from me, and because the flashback was another nice tidbit of character. The second because of the implication of what Mrs. Winter was saving Cheerilee for, which is doubly creepy because Mrs. Winter is Cheerilee's former foal-sitter. She probably watched her grow up, obviously remembered her well enough to track her down, and - ...Jesus.
Oh, and when Cheerilee shoves Mrs. Winter down the staircase. That was fucking awesome.
And I especially liked how you didn't pull some bullshit sequel hook out of your ass for no reason. And the fact that they're all in therapy, which is where they should be after all that, is very nice.
Rating: Four Emotinally-Scarred Ponies out of Four
Favorite Line:
Final Verdict: 'They're hospitality will be the death of you.'
"And it isn't getting a favorable review on Yelp either."
5347253 For shame.
LOL.
Seriously though, you have to watch Doctor Who. It will make you terrified of things you never thought you could be terrified of.
5348623
Its funny that you say that because a lot of my inspiration came from games like that. That was what I wanted to go for. Something is a lot less scary when you can fight back.
I'm really glad you enjoyed it.
It was my first attempt at doing horror and actually, it was a lot of fun.
The most important thing for me in this story was not to kill any of the major characters. We've seen that before in so many stories in the past that I didn't want to be,one of those writers. I just didn't want to do that without a good reason. And just doing it for the gore wasn't going to work for me.
Mrs. Winter was a lot of fun to work with despite her not being in the story very long. And I loved the world I got to build with her, without her actually being there. This mare who is so devoted to her child that the child can do no wrong. And that's scary. When the parent condones the actions of the child who is murdering others. That's scary to me.
I'm really glad you enjoyed it. I'm glad you read it. I'm thankful for the review and I'm thankful for the faves. Thank you for all you've done and your honest words.
5348623
For added fun, read Mrs. Winter's lines in Betsy Palmer's voice.
Since when did juice come in bottles? Where I come from it always came in cartons.
5647928 Hey, I looked through the chapter and I couldn't find the part where it said bottles instead of box. If you want to point that out for me, I would very much appreciated it.
Thank you for commenting on my story and I hope to hear more from you in the future.
You list a bunch of someponies and the first pony on that list isn't even a pony.
5651960 Didn't even notice that. Thanks for catching that.
I keep getting Resident Evil and Outlast vibes from this.
Ok if I wan't getting Resident Evil/Outlast vibes before I definitely am now.
Found this
derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/7/15/45685__semi-dash-grimdark_artist-colon-andypriceart_andy+you+magnificent+bastard_friday+the+13th_hockey+mask_jason+voorhees_jason+voorhooves_mask_ponif.jpg
You can has review!