• Member Since 21st Oct, 2016
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Sirdubya


I'm just a wandering writer looking to impress people with my creativity, and improve it with feedback from you!

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Fire Fight, a young colt with a knack for combat, and a strong sense of justice, has lived a life riddled with belittlement from others for being who is, or at least wants to be: a hero. Fed up with feeling like a prisoner of his own special talent, he runs away from the land that disapproves of it, and embarks on a quest to help other foals like him. Together, Fire Fight and the friends he makes travel the lands endlessly searching for peace.
They begin to discover themselves along the way, as well as hidden places and secrets that will serve to strengthen them, and their friendship.

Chapters (194)
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Comments ( 2187 )

I've read all of the story up till now and...its half and half for me. I think the story was really interesting when Fire Fight was in Ponyville and...a bit less when he left. I hope his mom comes back into the story though.

Thanks for the feedback!
What do you think I could do to make it better? It's still a work in progress, so I can afford to make changes as I go along.

7692236 First, use the reply button. Otherwise, I won't know if you want me to respond to you. Second, Fire Fight is a good character but...I don't understand what he truly is looking for. You've just rushed him from Ponyville to leaving his mom to making this group rather quickly. I suggest slowly things down a little to make the viewer know what Fire Fight wants to do next and why he wants to do that next.

Also, these are just suggestions. Please don't take them too seriously, I'm just trying to help. Please tell me if I'm being mean.

7692705 Sorry, I'm feeling my way around this sight. Though, I've known the Internet long enough to know the purpose of the 'reply' button. Lol Shame on me!

I know they're just suggestions. I asked for constructive criticism, and that's what you gave me, and I appreciate it! I actually thought of one or two ways I could improve the story after reading your earlier comment last night.

7692804 Well...would you like me to reread and criticize each chapter? I can and can comment on each, (It'll show what chapter I'm on.) it might help you a bit.

7694260 Yeah, I see that it does- very convenient.

If you have time, that'd be cool! By all means!

7694282 It won't be instant...and I'm not the best critic either. I'll try a few tonight if I can. I'm writing my own stuff myself!

7694299 Yeah, man. That's cool! Like I said, take your time.

I hope your work comes out nice. I'll have to make a point of checking it out.

7694378 I'll go ahead and warn ya, I'm not much of a writer. My early stories are especially bad.

7694519 Any artist of any form will say that about their work when their passionate about it, so saying that is, in a strange way, encouraging! Don't lose that.

Alright, time for the constructive criticism I promised ya! I'll only be able to do this chapter tonight though...

Okay, let's start with the prologue...

First up is this:

“The only you helped do was get yourself expelled from school, and make us outcasts!

I don't understand what the mom is trying to say here. Especially at the start.

Also, my biggest criticism is this:

, and

This may seem strange but almost every 'and' has a comma in front of it. A ton of them are unnecessary.

Otherwise...this was made pretty well...I will say that some spacing is needed at times. However, you make sure to not do run-on sentences which is really good.

7694557 ...never thought of it that way...huh. It's still bad though.

Will we see Cheerie and Apple Jack reactiosn to what they help cause? I really liek tos ee thier thoughts, sicne she one fo the characters who image is there.

7694598 Eventually, yes. I won't spoil anything, but I have plans.

7694575 Thanks! I'm something of a grammar nazi, so commas do like to tease me.

By spacing, do you mean more spacing between paragraphs?

Chapter one...let's see how I can help you here...

Quickly realizing the situation, his smothered his horn out.

Simple word problem here

“Isn’t it obvious? This… er, exceedingly friendly mare here wanted to throw us a welcoming party, but you weren’t home when the original thing happened at our house, so I was the only one surprised.” Apple Bloom then spoke up.

“So Pinkie asked us to make friends with y’all, and eventually bring ya here for the redo!” The elaborate setup impressed Fire Fight, but he couldn’t help but to feel a little annoyed.

The 'Apple Bloom then spoke up.' should be in front of the next sentence, not the end of the last one. You do this a bunch, this was an example I could find.

“Hello, there, Fire Fight!” Fire Fight wasn’t ready for this.

This is the best example of what I could show you with this chapter and other ones...you love commas way too much my friend. That and putting them in front of 'and'.

Otherwise, this is good. Though, when you do segments where there is a bunch of dialogue, you squeeze everything together. Space them out. Here's an example:

Okay.” He replied.
“Okay, then! See you tomorrow! Enjoy the rest of the party!” She was about to walk off when Fire Fight suddenly thought of something he needed to know.
“Wait a second.” Cheerilee turned back around. “All the other foals here seem about a year younger than me. Am I gonna go to school with them, or… what?” Cheerilee smiled.

These aren't paragraphs, they're separate and need to be spaced as such. I'm not trying to nitpick, but this is what I meant in the prologue comment.

Hope this wasn't too mean...

7697438 Not at all! I was honestly worried about that, but decided to wait until someone openly complained about it before rectifying it. I'll do so ASAP, so I sincerely thank you now that I know it's an issue!

7697457 Worried about which part?

7697474 The spacing between paragraphs, and sentence placement between dialogue, like with that example with Applebloom

7697480 Ah...yeah. You do that a bunch in your chapters. I would make sure before releasing chapters. The spacing can be deceptive at times.

Still doing the unnecessary ', and' thing...even in the chapter name.

Ah, its fine. Not a bad new chapter.

Pretty good chapter, i still look forward to see how Apple Jack and miss Cheerie ae handling things.

those two were the worst, evne more so then Spoiled Rich.

Reason Miss Cheerie went back on her words she said to Fire fight when he and his mother first first arrived proving herself a hypocrite, and Apple Jack one of the elements, she has alot of influnce on others, the way she actted was really bad.
She set a poor example for a element of Harmony and Miss Cheerie set a bad example on being a teacher!

7702608 Thanks. I tried not to do it as much as possible while still feeling like my grammar was okay.

7702653 I'm gonna be honest. I was never a fan of Cheerilee to begin with, and it's kinda for reasons like this. I always she was too hard on the CMC even when they openly expressed their guilt for past actions.
Maybe it's because Elementary wasn't very fun for me due to stuff like that causing me to unconsciously dislike her, but that's just me.
I see what you mean though.

7702700

Yeah she tried her best but she screwed up with how she handled things.
Spoiled rich was bad enough, but this time it can't be blame fully on her.
Cheeri fumbled big time, i would not be suprised fire Fight mother hoof slapped her after learng he ran away, and did the same to Apple Jack Granny Smith may of redding er rear thou, didn't matter she adult mare in fact she suppsoe to be adult, and her own stubburn pride had gotten her in a bit of trouble a few times.

7702899 Pride....That's the enemy here, isn't it?

7702899 Do you have any particular criticisms of my OC's here so far?

7702910 Well Fire Fight i feel for him big time, he had it rough for the other two still judging but think that filly went too far on Rarity.
If she finds out thatw as the element of Genroisty wince! that was a bad call coudl attracted a ton of Attention.
for the turf foal heh, he cool sad he had to learn a cop he did respect dispite the differences was a bad cop.

hope that truth is revealed to others.

As for Apple Jack yeah Pride is a enemy as alot refuse to admit they may be wrong, but this time Apple Jack when i think on it went over protective big sister, and didn't try to get the whole story.
...AGAIN You think after Zecora she try for the whole truth, before making a judgement, that going to sting for a good while for Apple Jack Apple Bloom may lost a bit of respect for her sister.

7702923 Yeah. To be honest, I had the general gist of the story in my head, but not the exact plot, so I more or less filled in the blanks with things that made sense, and sounded cool-I'm going for sort of an epic tale here.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm unprepared-I know what I want to do with the entire story, it's just figuring out how to do it along the way that's been my weakness.
Rest assured however, my brain will kick into overdrive as I continue to write it, and it'll come out as good quality......Well that's really for readers to judge, but you get my point.

“Shroud, don’t do that! If you scare Spiral, she might have another episode!” he reprimanded.

Forgot something here. Its strange...reading Spiral Galaxy's backstory reminds of me a plot point in one of mine...huh.

Pretty awesome Chapter, glad to see Apple Jack knew she screwed up, only pony left to see is Miss Cheerie, and sure she gotten roasted hard as wella s Spoiled Ric.
Spoiled Rich may of lost alot of points for how she actted, and Miss Cheerie may have her status as teacher questioned as well.

7708073 S***! How do I keep doing that!? Lol I really need to proofread these chapters more often, don't I? ?

7708076 Glad to hear you're enjoying so far! Your comments have been valuable feedback, so I thank you!

7708128 Its fine dude, just trying to help. I'll get that next comment in soon...too much happening in my life right now.

Taking a journey like this, that's they way to make true friends. Whomever decides to stay with you are the only ones worthy to be your friend.

I'ma firin mah lazor!

7712712 .................damnit. ?

7712770 mah lazor worked! Spiral Galaxy was able to use the raw emotions both she and i had to give the snake the greatest gift we could, disintegration!

7713371 Jeez! If you consider that a great gift, I'd hate to see what you consider to be a bad gift! Lol

7713551 a bad gift would be one of shroud's daggers dipped in a slow and agonizing poison that was made for inflicting pain and suffering upon you enemies.

7713605 *shiver* Sorry I asked.

7713750 or one of the worst gifts i can give is immortality, followed by banishment to the nearest black hole, aka, my heart

7713835 Heh! Yeah, I'm pretty sure Lothar Rendain from Battleborn can attest.

I'm so glad that corrupt cop was exposed! Awesome, and they learn why turf fled, soont hey'll know of another.

This is a great story and it deserves more views

7718861 Thank you very much! As an aspiring writer, that means a great deal!

Do you have any criticisms of it so far so that I might make it better? I really should've asked you that earlier.

Im loving the story so far but i wanna know what happened exactly, that made fire fight so protective of others and where's his dad. Are the two things related at all.

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