628107 Well, she doesn't know about the bits yet. And that may not be the direction you plan to take things. I just thought of what might happen if she did decide to try one...
I'm sorry to say but the start of this chapter kept going from either slightly vague (first line left an image of two, undescribed ponies laying together with no setting) to being too descriptive (The next paragraph was so intricately detailed I got metaphorical whiplash). Try using some broader descriptions that aren't so focused on one item at a time and maybe a few smaller words. Granted your dealing with fairly intelligent adults but bombarding the reader with a mass of little details that aren't always needed still makes it a little more difficult to read at a comfortable pace. I would take it you were feeling a bit more emotionally introspective than usual when you wrote this? It seems to reflect it in your writing. Still, past that the story is still ok, just need to watch yourself with those extra details.
*continues reading*
Lol dash!
Daww FlutterPie!
Interesting Luna.
*finishes reading*
Ok, This chapter felt a little odd and very short compared to the others but it got better about how it did the details were done. Overall a pretty good addition for the story and it added a bit more intensity to the plot line now with some promised action on the horizon. Not my favorite chapter but a good one none the less.
It's exactly the fourth longest chapter out of eight... I'm not sure what to make of that, other than Flutter reads like butter and causes her chapter to seem short? And some of the language difficulty can't be helped- Fluttershy without the word 'clitoris' is a sad mare, and Luna was using archaic language that I had to check with Google to make sure she was making sense. I am not merely dealing with intelligent adults, but with some of the finest Twilestia authors in existence (whether as readers, or in my pony clop haiku project). I am sorry, but sometimes th' language will get fancy. I will provide galoshes for wading, and some folks in th' story can be counted on for easier lingo
I'm kind of the opposite mind to Starfield - I adored the details, the minutia of Pinkie loving Fluttershy, and I thought it well crafted and beautiful. Unhurried, languorous and sensual prose. I expect you may be dealing with different tastes preferred, to which I can offer little except that I especially liked this chapter for the way that words were used.
Emotionally, I find myself almost detesting Dash now - her behavior is like that of a hopeless and abusive alcoholic, which is likely what you are trying to achieve. Problem is, that sort of person I have no sympathy nor pity for, be that right or wrong... only loathing and disgust... and fear. That makes Dash here, being boorish, sexually predatory and downright despicable no longer sympathetic to me. I felt so bad for her, originally, and was angry at Applejack for refusing to work things out... now I am questioning whether anypony should deal with Dash, and definitely seeing Pinkie as an abused mare in relationship to Dash. Which probably isn't fair, but it's how I am left feeling.
Fluttershy and Pinkie make a fantastic, gentle, loving couple that just seem wonderful together. They seem like they could heal each other's wounds, if only they didn't have to deal with crazy Dash.
And lastly, the bit about Celestia... and the short lives of her subjects. Whoo. Of course, I have to ask - rhetorically, I assure you - as to why the Pony that a being that can toss a sun around like a beach ball not consider remaking Ponydom just slightly, just a slight nudge to a few genes, to make them equally immortal, but with a vastly lowered fecundity - one that would simply serve to cover for the occasionally loss by mishap over the eons. Why must ponies be mortal at all? Perhaps, as much as Celestia weeps at their short lives, she fears more growing bored of the same faces staring at her forever. Grim thought, that - that mortality exists to keep the immortal princesses from feeling like 'company' has stayed... too long.
630207 Gosh, that tells me right there what I must do next. I thought it was obvious that Pinkie feels put-upon and that Dash is imposing- they say it pretty directly, right in the chapter. The question is whether she's going to stay that way (or indeed get rewarded for being that way- hint, NOPE), and though she was cared for by PinkieShy, it's still a picture of a Dash hitting rock bottom. Not gonna say whether she's still digging a bit- however, she's said she wants some, 'any', of the things she used to have. She's right to feel she's lost it all, she's even managed to piss off Pinkie who's incredibly forgiving. Specifically, her self-destructive 'coolness and awesomeness' at the expense of emotional connection is losing her Pinkie, and Pinkie was by far the closest to her short of Applejack.
Notice how they go on about the way Rainbow's arrogance means nopony will ever touch her wings like Pinkie touches Fluttershy's? The whole time, you know that's one of the things she lost. I never mentioned it once while Pinkie and Fluttershy concluded Dash has never given of herself in that way, and they looked down on her for it, feeling superior because THEY weren't so vain as to be totally unable to connect with a lover emotionally. They figure she's dreaming of being mean and 'awesome'. They don't know her. What if she's dreaming of sobbing, 'Why'd you have to make me feel? It's not safe. I used to be able to lose anypony' in Applejack's embrace? That front is back up again, more brittle than ever. The front is not the truth- but this wasn't the time to show that.
If they take her at face value, it makes sense and reflects poorly on Dash. But she's been keeping secrets of intimacy, too- which only makes her look worse. She's going to have to be a really good friend now to make up for it, even if it tears her heart out
It's SO useful to get these glimpses into how my favorite readers are perceiving all this as it unfolds...
The two ponies lay very still, breathing softly- reverently.
Fluttershy stretched, reclining back onto the bed, her wings quivering to her sides, her legs parted. She gazed down, her eyes sensuously half-lidded and trusting, taking in her special pony, beholding a symphony of pinks. Vivacious blue eyes shone under a canopy of wacky and unmanageable dark pink curls, out of a pink face that rested on Fluttershy's pink tail and nuzzled at the inside of her butter-yellow legs, unhurriedly.
This is the part I was referring to. The parts that felt awkward to me are in red. I also noticed that there was A LOT of commas in that paragraph. wasn't really talking about specific words but rather that it seemed like most the words were uncommon multi-syllables in the beginning. That was the area I was trying to help you improve on. sorry if I gave the wrong idea.
I'm not sure why it felt so short though. Possibly had something to do with they way you flowed the events into each other, it all being one scene until Luna, and a lot of the information "added" here is stuff that anyone who read both the prequel and the story so far would know.
Aside from that, the story did progress a bit here and you did set it up for much better story telling later on so I'd still call this chapter a decent success.
Note: edited a bit as additional thoughts came to mind.
Granted that them's a lot of adverbs- ain't NO WAY I would deprive them of 'reverently'.
Pinkie and Fluttershy approaching the pleasuring of Fluttershy with reverence is maybe the one best word I ever wrote about their sexual relationship. Maybe it's an odd word to apply to clitoris licking, but it perfectly expresses how they feel about each other, and every bit of it showed me what they had with each other. Had to show how unfretful and confident Flutterbutt had become, had to show how she perceived all the shades of pink in a flowery way, had to bounce back to the laid back way Pinkie was moving or it would've been just a big pile of color references. The colors don't really matter except as a bed for the flowery romanticism and the easy, trusting, unpressured way they are with each other.
At one point I didn't believe Fluttershy would stay with Pinkie- after writing this chapter, I'm a believer in th' PinkieShy (at least using my interpretations of 'em, which are admittedly unusual- I don't think bitter voyeur-Shy is super common in fanfic.) Sorry about th' commas- I try to mix it up, and that was just a heavy cloudburst of commas all up in there. They'll soon pass over, you just gotta wait 'em out.
I'm not saying get rid of the things in red, I was saying maybe you should rethink and rearrange the things in red to streamline and make the beginning feel less like your just cramming descriptions in there... wow I probably should have just said that in the first place, why couldn't I think of that before?
as for the comma shower, I thought they might clear up a bit with those other areas. I would have just rewrote it and post it here in the comments myself but that just doesn't seem right to go as far as to take over the bits of your story I have a problem with. It's your story to tell so I couldn't, in good conscience, do that. In the mean time, I'll get my umbrella and wait out for the next chapter.
630452 You can rewrite it if ya like. It will get you precisely nothin', 'cos I wrote it exactly how I meant it (and now I've explained a bit about what the fluffy parts are doin'). That bit, especially 'reverently' as a second, unexpected adverb, does EXACTLY what I want. I don't care what rules it breaks or how Strunk and White woulda wrote it. They're pausing for a moment, in awe at each other, in a super romantic mood that they are wallowing in, and that's far more important than what color Flutterbutt's tail is- we know that already.
For what it's worth, 'reverently' spoke deeply to me. I have felt that way, at the sacred gates of my own lover, and I can say honestly that such moments, for me, transcend the mortal - at the very least, they are touched in some ineffable way with a sense of the divine.
630556 No, it's okay! It's important for me to hear about it when folks are fallin' off one side of the story or the other. Chatoyance is bigtime the sorta pony I wanted to reach with that opening, so that went well- but I'll keep an eye on the commas and be sure not to get too flowery when it's NOT directly appropriate to what I'm making the scene do.
K I know I have a bad habit of being more insistent than I mean to sometimes so I was worried I was going a tad over board on trying to get my point across... again. I suppose you'll need your opposites then and I guess Chatoyance would be the other end of the spectrum. Now if you make us both gush you know you got possibly one of the best chapters there! lol. Good job so far, I'm still here eagerly awaiting your next installment!
Luna cares. I daresay she cares deeply for her subjects. But Celestia has a closeness that Luna not only lacks, but doesn't really understand. Or at least that's what I got from that last bit.
630620 It's even more interesting than that. I had Tactical totally buying into the portrayal of Dash in the last chapter in just the same sort of way (for a Dash-type) that Chatoyance connected to the 'reverently' and all- while Chatoyance is losin' patience with my Dash's behavior and attitudes.
Far from having everybody gush in delight, I reckon if I do what _I_ do, exceptionally well, in a chapter that's really hard for the ponies to get through... I'll get a knock-down drag-out fight in the comments section with posters yelling at me and each other about how wrong it all is- using exactly the same points of view as the fighting ponies in the story
I just thought of something, what if trixie had a crush and/or was attracted to Luna in some way (not enough to leave Twilight but enough to be noticeable) then twilight found out and blew it WAY out of proportion?
I was kinda neutral on dash so I didn't say much there aside for a lol at her audacity to smash through a (another!) window and promptly ask pinkie for sex. On one hand I was like "Really dash? are you even trying to think any more?" and on the other I was like "Man, dash is getting desperate! poor thing."
I tend to not want to fight about things even though I occasionally ended up being a bit of a blunt jerk anyway. trying to love and tolerate and all that. The one time a fight turned into anything good was right here between me and Lynked. The universe lost a good chunk of space thanks to that! However that one was more in good fun than me just being an ass.
Hmm. Time for another 'what Charlie loves about Jinxie stories' post!
Fetishes. I love how they're incorporated in this story; the characters all have individual kinks, and there's clop, yup. But the kinks are a part of a whole sexual identity, which is part of a whole PONY identity. All too often stories with clop in either skip over the idea of fetishes entirely (everyone has nice, vanilla sex, with very few kinks; maybe a partner has 'that one thing' they like (say, having their elbow licked or their mane pulled), but by and large it's all plain, 'normal' sex) or they're the entirety of the clop: characters can't have sex or intimacy at all without bringing their unusual fetishes into the fray.
But here, they fit in, and I applaud Jinx for being able to show 'different' sexualities without making those differences the WHOLE of their sexuality.
Hem. Got a little bit over-excited there, sorry... Anyway...I'm very interested to see where this is all going. I have a few thoughts and theories about it, but, well, I might be wrong, and I don't like to be wrong...so in my head they stay. :P
WALL OF TEXT I think for me what have always been so captivating about your stories is your writing. Sure, you also do probably THE best characterization in the whole fandom, and the clop is topnotch, but what keeps me coming back is the writing. I feel like you have this unholy mastery for the implicit. I think being able to write like that is both a curse and a blessing. For example, I had to return the first chapter of Trixie's Magic Bit five times over before I had any clue of what was going on. However it was worth it for the exact same reason; because so many things were going on between the lines. Every time I revisited the chapter I found another snippet of information that totally changed how I understood the story. So what I'm getting to is that for me one of the most important aspects of this story is the writing, even, or maybe especially the small details. Last chapter felt so incredibly because so many things happened, that you did not tell us directly but just kind of laid there for us to find (If that makes any sense). In a way I guess that's what you've been doing all along, although I haven't been able to see it. You have all these characters for which you only have the frames, but you are able to see beyond just what they do and show in the television series, and build on what is only hinted at. Who would have thought that Rainbow Dash had a ultra emotional side, but had been hiding it all along as to not get hurt. And Applejack so tough on the outside, but beneath the shell of hardness lies a mare who just wants to be a mare. And Twilight Sparkle always so smart, but sometimes to much for her own good, when she tricks herself. I know these are just your own interpretations of the characters, but I think they are so well done that you can't tell the difference. I know for myself at least, that every time I see the show now, I start to read your characterization of the ponies into the actual ponies. I just feels right. They are richer as characters for the work you've done, and think that is an amazing feat. So back to the writing part, since I actually have a point I want to get to at some... point. Oh yeah, making and breaking. So maybe I just had to high expectations in terms of the plot moving forward, after the last chapter where things were crazy dramatic, but I felt like not a whole lot was going on with the characters in this chapter. However when looking back, it seems that we both got a lot of interaction between the ponies and a lot of new information about them. I don't know... I'm looking through the chapter now to try and find out why I felt this way but I'll get back to you on that ;) One thing that really made me cringe inside was when Fluttershy said "Do you have some tape, Pinkie Pie? I want to make bandages of this sheet. Um, if that's okay. We can use something else. If you find it quickly, please..." "Um, if that's okay" is a phrase that has had WAY to much overexposure. I would literally rather have you have Rainbow Dash say "Oh boy, with these scars I'll look 20% cooler". So yeah it's that bad. Maybe it's just me, and honestly I would not care in any other fic than this, but I think you've done so much good work for the characters that it is a shame to have them fall into being stereotyped into flat personalties. Not that one mistake ruins the whole character but I felt like this wasn't the over-intelligent, sex-neglected, I-want-to-be-your-number-one-best-pony Fluttershy that we have learned to know through Trixie's Magic Bit and the latest chapters in Rarity's Worst Day Ever. Now an instance where you writing really saved the day for me was the last bit with Luna and Celestia. I didn't quite understand why Luna wanted to help Celestia, that is I didn't understand their relationship. However in the last lines where Luna thinks about her sister, and you chose to write Sister with capital S I suddenly felt like I understood. Such a small thing but it says so much about their relationsship and how Luna thinks about Celestia (that better have been intentional Applejinx or else I've just been rambling for the last four lines^^).
Well there's probably a ton of mistakes in this comment, and I probably also put a lot of words in your mouth. Sorry about that, I hope you don't hate me too much . I think it's just like that with these things. When we love something so much that we choose to invest ourself in it, we get this notion of ownership over the characters and the story even though we have no right. I just hope you know that it all stems from an adoration for what you are doing. I don't think I have anything more to say. But if read through all this you're probably already really tired of hearing me babble. So yeah, just keep being so freaking awesome god damn you
... So much to say, yet I cannot find the words. Hm.
To Dash, having... well, been in her hooves myself... I understand what she's going through. And it hurts all over again. But, as the saying goes, this too shall pass. She'll learn. It'll take time, but she'll learn.
Fluttershy and Pinkie. Adorable, and they really are a beautiful, wonderful couple. And I don't normally even ship them! That's how good you are with them, that I can see it and UNDERSTAND IT.
Celestia and Luna. Again, so much to say, yet I cannot find the words. I can see where Celestia's coming from. She wants to protect and defend her ponies, and especially her student, even at dire cost. Luna seems to be the pragmatic one, at this point. She's putting her hoof down, and knows that the darkness can be a warm thing too. I wager she knows Twilight's change, and Trixie's attitude, better than she lets on.
Wait, what? She's the only character in the story who got jerked around and didn't lash out against her loved ones. Contrast that with Applejack, Rarity, and Big Macintosh, who got rectum ravaged over silly buggers and kicked off this whole shitstorm...
It would be meet to learn more about the pet's new love-toy, and thereby understand Sister's objections...
I actually have no idea what you intended here. I get the gist I think, she wants to go meet Twilight and Trixie to acquire information. Just, "It would be meet"? Clearly some words missing there.
Yep, that wing stuff is totally my headcanon now! I really like that. Good job Pinkie and Fluttershy with calming Dash down. Ya know Dash, there is such a thing as too rough of sex, right? She'll learn. And Fluttershy, if only you knew about how Dash gave AJ her wings. Things are getting even more...complicated. Grr, I'll read more tomor...today!
Luna with a magic bit? I guess it won't be Celestia saying 'prepare your anus' this time around...
And, thus, Luna enters the fray. i.imgur.com/6gmfZ.gif
627888
She is not referring to the bit.
At least Dashie's path to self-destruction has been halted...for now.
628107
Well, she doesn't know about the bits yet. And that may not be the direction you plan to take things. I just thought of what might happen if she did decide to try one...
I'm sorry to say but the start of this chapter kept going from either slightly vague (first line left an image of two, undescribed ponies laying together with no setting) to being too descriptive (The next paragraph was so intricately detailed I got metaphorical whiplash). Try using some broader descriptions that aren't so focused on one item at a time and maybe a few smaller words. Granted your dealing with fairly intelligent adults but bombarding the reader with a mass of little details that aren't always needed still makes it a little more difficult to read at a comfortable pace. I would take it you were feeling a bit more emotionally introspective than usual when you wrote this? It seems to reflect it in your writing. Still, past that the story is still ok, just need to watch yourself with those extra details.
*continues reading*
Lol dash!
Daww FlutterPie!
Interesting Luna.
*finishes reading*
Ok, This chapter felt a little odd and very short compared to the others but it got better about how it did the details were done. Overall a pretty good addition for the story and it added a bit more intensity to the plot line now with some promised action on the horizon. Not my favorite chapter but a good one none the less.
OH FUCK! DAMN! Luna has no respect for the mortals! I love how you make them characters! I hope luna learns to care, or not, it sucks to care.
I do so love these wingsex chapters. The intimacy brings such joy to my face! Lovely chapter, AppleJinx! Keep up the awesome work!
628734
It's exactly the fourth longest chapter out of eight... I'm not sure what to make of that, other than Flutter reads like butter and causes her chapter to seem short? And some of the language difficulty can't be helped- Fluttershy without the word 'clitoris' is a sad mare, and Luna was using archaic language that I had to check with Google to make sure she was making sense.
I am not merely dealing with intelligent adults, but with some of the finest Twilestia authors in existence (whether as readers, or in my pony clop haiku project). I am sorry, but sometimes th' language will get fancy. I will provide galoshes for wading, and some folks in th' story can be counted on for easier lingo
I'm kind of the opposite mind to Starfield - I adored the details, the minutia of Pinkie loving Fluttershy, and I thought it well crafted and beautiful. Unhurried, languorous and sensual prose. I expect you may be dealing with different tastes preferred, to which I can offer little except that I especially liked this chapter for the way that words were used.
Emotionally, I find myself almost detesting Dash now - her behavior is like that of a hopeless and abusive alcoholic, which is likely what you are trying to achieve. Problem is, that sort of person I have no sympathy nor pity for, be that right or wrong... only loathing and disgust... and fear. That makes Dash here, being boorish, sexually predatory and downright despicable no longer sympathetic to me. I felt so bad for her, originally, and was angry at Applejack for refusing to work things out... now I am questioning whether anypony should deal with Dash, and definitely seeing Pinkie as an abused mare in relationship to Dash. Which probably isn't fair, but it's how I am left feeling.
Fluttershy and Pinkie make a fantastic, gentle, loving couple that just seem wonderful together. They seem like they could heal each other's wounds, if only they didn't have to deal with crazy Dash.
And lastly, the bit about Celestia... and the short lives of her subjects. Whoo. Of course, I have to ask - rhetorically, I assure you - as to why the Pony that a being that can toss a sun around like a beach ball not consider remaking Ponydom just slightly, just a slight nudge to a few genes, to make them equally immortal, but with a vastly lowered fecundity - one that would simply serve to cover for the occasionally loss by mishap over the eons. Why must ponies be mortal at all? Perhaps, as much as Celestia weeps at their short lives, she fears more growing bored of the same faces staring at her forever. Grim thought, that - that mortality exists to keep the immortal princesses from feeling like 'company' has stayed... too long.
630207
Gosh, that tells me right there what I must do next. I thought it was obvious that Pinkie feels put-upon and that Dash is imposing- they say it pretty directly, right in the chapter. The question is whether she's going to stay that way (or indeed get rewarded for being that way- hint, NOPE), and though she was cared for by PinkieShy, it's still a picture of a Dash hitting rock bottom. Not gonna say whether she's still digging a bit- however, she's said she wants some, 'any', of the things she used to have. She's right to feel she's lost it all, she's even managed to piss off Pinkie who's incredibly forgiving. Specifically, her self-destructive 'coolness and awesomeness' at the expense of emotional connection is losing her Pinkie, and Pinkie was by far the closest to her short of Applejack.
Notice how they go on about the way Rainbow's arrogance means nopony will ever touch her wings like Pinkie touches Fluttershy's? The whole time, you know that's one of the things she lost. I never mentioned it once while Pinkie and Fluttershy concluded Dash has never given of herself in that way, and they looked down on her for it, feeling superior because THEY weren't so vain as to be totally unable to connect with a lover emotionally. They figure she's dreaming of being mean and 'awesome'. They don't know her. What if she's dreaming of sobbing, 'Why'd you have to make me feel? It's not safe. I used to be able to lose anypony' in Applejack's embrace? That front is back up again, more brittle than ever. The front is not the truth- but this wasn't the time to show that.
If they take her at face value, it makes sense and reflects poorly on Dash. But she's been keeping secrets of intimacy, too- which only makes her look worse. She's going to have to be a really good friend now to make up for it, even if it tears her heart out
It's SO useful to get these glimpses into how my favorite readers are perceiving all this as it unfolds...
The two ponies lay very still, breathing softly- reverently.
Fluttershy stretched, reclining back onto the bed, her wings quivering to her sides, her legs parted. She gazed down, her eyes sensuously half-lidded and trusting, taking in her special pony, beholding a symphony of pinks. Vivacious blue eyes shone under a canopy of wacky and unmanageable dark pink curls, out of a pink face that rested on Fluttershy's pink tail and nuzzled at the inside of her butter-yellow legs, unhurriedly.
This is the part I was referring to. The parts that felt awkward to me are in red. I also noticed that there was A LOT of commas in that paragraph.
wasn't really talking about specific words but rather that it seemed like most the words were uncommon multi-syllables in the beginning. That was the area I was trying to help you improve on. sorry if I gave the wrong idea.
I'm not sure why it felt so short though. Possibly had something to do with they way you flowed the events into each other, it all being one scene until Luna, and a lot of the information "added" here is stuff that anyone who read both the prequel and the story so far would know.
Aside from that, the story did progress a bit here and you did set it up for much better story telling later on so I'd still call this chapter a decent success.
Note: edited a bit as additional thoughts came to mind.
Granted that them's a lot of adverbs- ain't NO WAY I would deprive them of 'reverently'.
Pinkie and Fluttershy approaching the pleasuring of Fluttershy with reverence is maybe the one best word I ever wrote about their sexual relationship. Maybe it's an odd word to apply to clitoris licking, but it perfectly expresses how they feel about each other, and every bit of it showed me what they had with each other. Had to show how unfretful and confident Flutterbutt had become, had to show how she perceived all the shades of pink in a flowery way, had to bounce back to the laid back way Pinkie was moving or it would've been just a big pile of color references. The colors don't really matter except as a bed for the flowery romanticism and the easy, trusting, unpressured way they are with each other.
At one point I didn't believe Fluttershy would stay with Pinkie- after writing this chapter, I'm a believer in th' PinkieShy (at least using my interpretations of 'em, which are admittedly unusual- I don't think bitter voyeur-Shy is super common in fanfic.) Sorry about th' commas- I try to mix it up, and that was just a heavy cloudburst of commas all up in there. They'll soon pass over, you just gotta wait 'em out.
630421
I'm not saying get rid of the things in red, I was saying maybe you should rethink and rearrange the things in red to streamline and make the beginning feel less like your just cramming descriptions in there... wow I probably should have just said that in the first place, why couldn't I think of that before?
as for the comma shower, I thought they might clear up a bit with those other areas. I would have just rewrote it and post it here in the comments myself but that just doesn't seem right to go as far as to take over the bits of your story I have a problem with. It's your story to tell so I couldn't, in good conscience, do that.
In the mean time, I'll get my umbrella and wait out for the next chapter.
630452
You can rewrite it if ya like. It will get you precisely nothin', 'cos I wrote it exactly how I meant it (and now I've explained a bit about what the fluffy parts are doin'). That bit, especially 'reverently' as a second, unexpected adverb, does EXACTLY what I want. I don't care what rules it breaks or how Strunk and White woulda wrote it. They're pausing for a moment, in awe at each other, in a super romantic mood that they are wallowing in, and that's far more important than what color Flutterbutt's tail is- we know that already.
630470
For what it's worth, 'reverently' spoke deeply to me. I have felt that way, at the sacred gates of my own lover, and I can say honestly that such moments, for me, transcend the mortal - at the very least, they are touched in some ineffable way with a sense of the divine.
I think I stepped on a few hooves... sorry.
630556
No, it's okay! It's important for me to hear about it when folks are fallin' off one side of the story or the other. Chatoyance is bigtime the sorta pony I wanted to reach with that opening, so that went well- but I'll keep an eye on the commas and be sure not to get too flowery when it's NOT directly appropriate to what I'm making the scene do.
It's all good, honest, it's all good
630572
K I know I have a bad habit of being more insistent than I mean to sometimes so I was worried I was going a tad over board on trying to get my point across... again. I suppose you'll need your opposites then and I guess Chatoyance would be the other end of the spectrum. Now if you make us both gush you know you got possibly one of the best chapters there! lol. Good job so far, I'm still here eagerly awaiting your next installment!
Luna cares. I daresay she cares deeply for her subjects. But Celestia has a closeness that Luna not only lacks, but doesn't really understand. Or at least that's what I got from that last bit.
Heh heh heh, I said bit.
630620
It's even more interesting than that. I had Tactical totally buying into the portrayal of Dash in the last chapter in just the same sort of way (for a Dash-type) that Chatoyance connected to the 'reverently' and all- while Chatoyance is losin' patience with my Dash's behavior and attitudes.
Far from having everybody gush in delight, I reckon if I do what _I_ do, exceptionally well, in a chapter that's really hard for the ponies to get through... I'll get a knock-down drag-out fight in the comments section with posters yelling at me and each other about how wrong it all is- using exactly the same points of view as the fighting ponies in the story
That'll be kinda awesome, if scary
I just thought of something, what if trixie had a crush and/or was attracted to Luna in some way (not enough to leave Twilight but enough to be noticeable) then twilight found out and blew it WAY out of proportion?
I was kinda neutral on dash so I didn't say much there aside for a lol at her audacity to smash through a (another!) window and promptly ask pinkie for sex. On one hand I was like "Really dash? are you even trying to think any more?" and on the other I was like "Man, dash is getting desperate! poor thing."
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I tend to not want to fight about things even though I occasionally ended up being a bit of a blunt jerk anyway. trying to love and tolerate and all that. The one time a fight turned into anything good was right here between me and Lynked. The universe lost a good chunk of space thanks to that! However that one was more in good fun than me just being an ass.
Hmm. Time for another 'what Charlie loves about Jinxie stories' post!
Fetishes. I love how they're incorporated in this story; the characters all have individual kinks, and there's clop, yup. But the kinks are a part of a whole sexual identity, which is part of a whole PONY identity. All too often stories with clop in either skip over the idea of fetishes entirely (everyone has nice, vanilla sex, with very few kinks; maybe a partner has 'that one thing' they like (say, having their elbow licked or their mane pulled), but by and large it's all plain, 'normal' sex) or they're the entirety of the clop: characters can't have sex or intimacy at all without bringing their unusual fetishes into the fray.
But here, they fit in, and I applaud Jinx for being able to show 'different' sexualities without making those differences the WHOLE of their sexuality.
Hem. Got a little bit over-excited there, sorry... Anyway...I'm very interested to see where this is all going. I have a few thoughts and theories about it, but, well, I might be wrong, and I don't like to be wrong...so in my head they stay. :P
Thanks for the ride Jinx :D
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I think for me what have always been so captivating about your stories is your writing. Sure, you also do probably THE best characterization in the whole fandom, and the clop is topnotch, but what keeps me coming back is the writing. I feel like you have this unholy mastery for the implicit. I think being able to write like that is both a curse and a blessing. For example, I had to return the first chapter of Trixie's Magic Bit five times over before I had any clue of what was going on. However it was worth it for the exact same reason; because so many things were going on between the lines. Every time I revisited the chapter I found another snippet of information that totally changed how I understood the story.
So what I'm getting to is that for me one of the most important aspects of this story is the writing, even, or maybe especially the small details. Last chapter felt so incredibly because so many things happened, that you did not tell us directly but just kind of laid there for us to find (If that makes any sense). In a way I guess that's what you've been doing all along, although I haven't been able to see it. You have all these characters for which you only have the frames, but you are able to see beyond just what they do and show in the television series, and build on what is only hinted at. Who would have thought that Rainbow Dash had a ultra emotional side, but had been hiding it all along as to not get hurt. And Applejack so tough on the outside, but beneath the shell of hardness lies a mare who just wants to be a mare. And Twilight Sparkle always so smart, but sometimes to much for her own good, when she tricks herself. I know these are just your own interpretations of the characters, but I think they are so well done that you can't tell the difference. I know for myself at least, that every time I see the show now, I start to read your characterization of the ponies into the actual ponies. I just feels right. They are richer as characters for the work you've done, and think that is an amazing feat.
So back to the writing part, since I actually have a point I want to get to at some... point. Oh yeah, making and breaking. So maybe I just had to high expectations in terms of the plot moving forward, after the last chapter where things were crazy dramatic, but I felt like not a whole lot was going on with the characters in this chapter. However when looking back, it seems that we both got a lot of interaction between the ponies and a lot of new information about them. I don't know... I'm looking through the chapter now to try and find out why I felt this way but I'll get back to you on that ;)
One thing that really made me cringe inside was when Fluttershy said "Do you have some tape, Pinkie Pie? I want to make bandages of this sheet. Um, if that's okay. We can use something else. If you find it quickly, please..."
"Um, if that's okay" is a phrase that has had WAY to much overexposure. I would literally rather have you have Rainbow Dash say "Oh boy, with these scars I'll look 20% cooler". So yeah it's that bad. Maybe it's just me, and honestly I would not care in any other fic than this, but I think you've done so much good work for the characters that it is a shame to have them fall into being stereotyped into flat personalties. Not that one mistake ruins the whole character but I felt like this wasn't the over-intelligent, sex-neglected, I-want-to-be-your-number-one-best-pony Fluttershy that we have learned to know through Trixie's Magic Bit and the latest chapters in Rarity's Worst Day Ever.
Now an instance where you writing really saved the day for me was the last bit with Luna and Celestia. I didn't quite understand why Luna wanted to help Celestia, that is I didn't understand their relationship. However in the last lines where Luna thinks about her sister, and you chose to write Sister with capital S I suddenly felt like I understood. Such a small thing but it says so much about their relationsship and how Luna thinks about Celestia (that better have been intentional Applejinx or else I've just been rambling for the last four lines^^).
Well there's probably a ton of mistakes in this comment, and I probably also put a lot of words in your mouth. Sorry about that, I hope you don't hate me too much . I think it's just like that with these things. When we love something so much that we choose to invest ourself in it, we get this notion of ownership over the characters and the story even though we have no right. I just hope you know that it all stems from an adoration for what you are doing. I don't think I have anything more to say. But if read through all this you're probably already really tired of hearing me babble. So yeah, just keep being so freaking awesome god damn you
... So much to say, yet I cannot find the words. Hm.
To Dash, having... well, been in her hooves myself... I understand what she's going through. And it hurts all over again. But, as the saying goes, this too shall pass. She'll learn. It'll take time, but she'll learn.
Fluttershy and Pinkie. Adorable, and they really are a beautiful, wonderful couple. And I don't normally even ship them! That's how good you are with them, that I can see it and UNDERSTAND IT.
Celestia and Luna. Again, so much to say, yet I cannot find the words. I can see where Celestia's coming from. She wants to protect and defend her ponies, and especially her student, even at dire cost. Luna seems to be the pragmatic one, at this point. She's putting her hoof down, and knows that the darkness can be a warm thing too. I wager she knows Twilight's change, and Trixie's attitude, better than she lets on.
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Don't listen to that, keep up your writing style exactly as always, it's captivating in a way that I've yet to see an equal to.
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Now hang on, I'll always listen. I am just real stubborn and won't OBEY nopony, how's that?
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Spoken like a true apple! again thanks for listening!
>Losing patience with Rainbow Dash
Wait, what? She's the only character in the story who got jerked around and didn't lash out against her loved ones. Contrast that with Applejack, Rarity, and Big Macintosh, who got rectum ravaged over silly buggers and kicked off this whole shitstorm...
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Then you would absolutely HATE my writing style. I tend to use commas as if they're going out of style.
It would be meet to learn more about the pet's new love-toy, and thereby understand Sister's objections...
I actually have no idea what you intended here. I get the gist I think, she wants to go meet Twilight and Trixie to acquire information. Just, "It would be meet"? Clearly some words missing there.
1912075 It's an archaic phrase, meaning roughly "It would be a good idea"
All good. It was a nice change to have Celestia and Luna have a heart-to-heart.
And more FlutterPie!
Yep, that wing stuff is totally my headcanon now! I really like that. Good job Pinkie and Fluttershy with calming Dash down. Ya know Dash, there is such a thing as too rough of sex, right? She'll learn. And Fluttershy, if only you knew about how Dash gave AJ her wings. Things are getting even more...complicated. Grr, I'll read more tomor...today!