My entry to AppleDash competition #3: Competition!
We all compete in something, but it's not the competing it self that is important, it's the reasons we compete. Rainbow Dash was going to Canterlot to watch Applejack compete in the Canterlot rodeo, and then enjoy as peaceful 1 year anniversary dinner with her mare-friend. But as you might guess, things didn't turn out the way they were supposed to, and instead, Rainbow Dash ended up learning a valuable lesson about competing and the things we compete for....
This story was originally based on this promt by Bookplayer:
Another already together story-- AJ goes back to the Canterlot rodeo, and does much better this time. Dash is there, and thinks that AJ should focus less on the farm because it's obvious that AJ could be a world champion rodeo pony if she focused on it. The conflict comes from the differences in how they see competition and how important it is to them.
But I don't really know how much of it that made it in the end.....
Thanks to my friend Follow Focus for prereading this and wasting so much of his precious free time to read my stories! :P
I think the story could probably use a good re-read: there are some wee mistakes in there that could be corrected, and little stuff like that.
) but I think the story could have benefited from being drawn out a bit more, perhaps? Some of it feels very fast paced.
I hesitate to give any sort of advice on the story itself, since I'm no expert writer (I'm in engineering: not very literate, but just as nerdy
For a minute I thought the other earth pony was RD in disguise. I seriously don't know why I thought that, though.
5059000
Thanks for the feedback. As you can see it's incomplete, due to me not being happy with the ending, and sometime after the competition, I'm maybe gonna add an epilogue.
Seeing as we got an extra week to write, I'll probably use the tie. To work on it and make it even better!
The earth pony weren't RD!
It was my OC Daffodil Spark getting a short appearance!
5059022 I kind of guessed it weren't RD later on, thanks to my intense deductive prowess.
One of my first ideas for the contest was that RD would disguise herself as AJ to compete for her. I didn't go for it in the end: it just wasn't working out for me. I guess I still see the idea in other peoples work for some random, random reason.
I'm almost unhappy about the extension, though. It means I'll have to wait longer for other stories.
On the plus side, they'll probably be better, and I do have to study sometime...
5059035
Yeah. That's kind of weird. You like, see the ghost of your killed ideas when reading other peoples fanfics...
Not me. I also need to study. I fact, I could be working on a Swedish assignment instead of doing this...
Also, when you said you where unhappy about the extension, I almost thought you meant my story...
5059066 No, I'm not unhappy about other stories getting written, I'm unhappy about waiting another week to get them all!
I'll be getting coursework soon. Engineering coursework is worst coursework
. Busy, busy, busy.
5059073
Yeah, kind if me too. To think, if our stories where the only ones that got finished on time!
Then I'd came second no matter what...
Poor you. I just need to wait for the national tests in the spring....then we'll talk busy, busy, busy....
5059066 I need to study, for two tests... Yet I write xD
5059630
Me too, kind of. I go to Liseberg instead! XD
P.S have you read the story? What did you think?
5059759 I could read it later (usually now a fan of mane 6 shipping) But I'll give it a shot
5059837
Yay!
Interesting story so far
5062367
Thanks! Stay tuned for the epilouge!
5075032
I see why that was confusing, I'm gonna fix that...anyhow, I think that the pacing was okay, and compared to sparkling rainbow adventures, this great, so.... But thanks for your comment, anyway.
5059000
I'll have to agree with this one. There are quite a few mistakes and they sometimes broke me out of reading further just to double-check what I read previously.
As for the rest... more flesh to those bones, jupp. You could've gone into detail, quite a lot actually, and I'm sure it would've benefit the story greatly. As for those OCs - they were to many. I can understand why they were there. But it just felt like an unfortunate solution. Showing a piece of Canterlot and the circumstances they're in while staying there was a nice approach, but the story was just to short to throw in so many names, appearances and descriptions. They only distracted from what was happening. "While in Canterlot, they stayed with some relatives of Applejack, who happened to own a bakery there." Explanation done - back to main focus. Of course you can introduce your OCs, but if you want to do so, you just can't throw them in there. A proper introduction would've been necessary. Who are they? How are they? Give them backstory, dreams and needs and wished, flaws and personality and everything. To accomplish that, you need time. Which, in translation, means words - a lot of words to add. You'd risk to lose focus again. One way to balance that again would be, again, to write a lot more about what actually happened to RD and AJ. If you just throw the OCs in for the sake of their cameo, they tend to drown and be forgotten within three or four sentences. Because they just don't really matter to the main story.
The idea behind the story was a nice one, though I think RDs change of mind came to suddenly. She should've reached that point while talking to Applejack. She tends to be grounded, down-to-earth, calm and patient. She could've explained it to RD and she, in turn, could've understood and afterwards, explained what she did and why. Her sudden insight seemed... kind of strange to me.
5628804
Thanks for this review. If reading my newer stories, you'll see I've come a long way. Still. It's always nice to hear people's opinions.
5628804 I thought I had got out, but you dragged me back in!
I think it comes down to either you go all out and take your time a whole lot more, or you do as you suggested and just sum it up in a nice, clear, concise sentence. I think which is better depends on context, though. Here, in hindsight, I wouldn't have minded seeing more be written, as they go and meet the whole family in Canterlot, and there develop more of the issues between AJ and RD, maybe showcase some more of their struggles, etc. I think a lot of heavyweight authors used to beefing up their stories with a lot of showing would agree with me, but I really can't speak for them.
A great story deserves a great theme song.
Here's one for you. Again, this is fitting music.
(Courtesy of Capitol Records, Inc., under license from Universal Music Enterprises)