- Member Since 25th Jun, 2014
- offline last seen May 13th, 2015
Buttercup Pegasus
Hey everyone, I'm Emily. I'm a cosplayer and a writer. I hope you all enjoy my works <3
Buttercup Pegasus
Joined 25th Jun, 2014 ·
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Can't wait to read more :3
Nice start to a story, there are a few typos, and yes, it did make reading it a bit hard and ruined the mood that was trying to be portrayed, but only slightly, otherwise this is a solid first chapter.
@honestxapplexbucker...
1. Just a friendly point-out: If you are going to use the fan-artwork of the talented DeviantArt(ist) johnjoseco, you should Source Link and credit him for it.
He (johnjoseco) also has another Applejack & Big McIntosh fan-artwork that is very appropriate to this fan-fiction's theme: A Letter... Oops
.
2. One bit that was niggling at me for the read-through... "K-9" is a police dog unit/squad, not what you call a dog in of itself, that would be a "canine" companion.
3. And BivdTheMedic is also correct, the chapter (1) could use some Editor &/or Proofreader clean-up.
For finding an Editor & Proofreader(s) here on FiMfiction site itself...
~ a. Looking for Editors
~ b. The Proofreader Group
As the general rule for literary writing, you should only have a single Editor, but you can have multiple Proofreaders.
4655123 thanks for such good feed back. This is our first collaberation and her first fic on fimfiction. I probably should have mentioned to her that we should edit and proof read prior to posting, but she was excited to post it. Thanks for the source links as well, really appreciate that
A few distracting errors, but Im liking it so far anyway. Looking forward to more.
4657640
Would you mind telling me where they are, sweetheart? I know the spelling for them talking is supposed to be Phonetic
4657664
Yeah sure, Ill post the things I noticed:
"She didn't realize exactly how hot was out until then."
"She didn't realize exactly how hot it was out until then."
"His nose scrunched and he gritted his teeth and dug his steel toed boots into the sifted soil."
Pretty sure it should read "His nose scrunched and he grit his teeth and dug his steel toed boots into the sifted soil." Gritted sounds a tad weird
"He removed his shirt, revealing a well maintained and powerful muscles."
"He removed his shirt, revealing his well maintained and powerful muscles.
"wondered if her brother needed any help with taking down the trees."
"wondered if her brother needed any help taking down the trees." remove the "with" sounds better.
"Hearing the sounds of the sounds of a dog, he turned his attention to the blonde woman giving their pet a bath."
"Hearing the sounds of a dog, he turned his attention to the blonde woman giving their pet a bath." Wrote the same thing twice here.
"He spent all of his time on this form if not for business purposes."
"He spent all of his time on this farm if not for business purposes." Should be farm right?
"Applejack turned her head and noticed her older brother was staring at her and a way she hadn't seen before."
"Applejack turned her head and noticed her older brother was staring at her and in a way she hadn't seen before." Feel like in a way should be there.
"He glanced back to his room, wondering if he need a shirt."
"He glanced back to his room, wondering if he needed a shirt."
"He his glance turned to an irritated look as he placed his hand over his face."
"His glance turned to an irritated look as he placed his hand over his face."
"His eyes shifted back t her as a few beads of water rolled down the valley between her breasts."
"His eyes shifted back to her as a few beads of water rolled down the valley between her breasts."
"Soon his arousal began to show than it need to, which was never." This confuses me greatly xD
"She was his sister for goddess' sake."
"She was his sister for goodness sake."
These are the only thingies that I noticed, other than that it was a lovely start.
4658081
EEP! I feel like such a dolt. Thank you so much for pointing those out to me and I'll make sure to fix those!
4658103
Its not trouble at all.
4658114
I'm actually fixing it up right now! :D
4658147
4655663
4. Always happy to provide advice &/or guidance where I can
.
5. And just to anticipate for the future... Big Mac's proper full-name is Big McIntosh (exactly like the apple cultivar
), NOT Big MacIntosh (as the computer brand).
4658764
Well, it is greatly appreciated and I hope the edits I had made are for the better ^^
Go on then. My soup is currently burnt and I'll have you know that the salt has up and disappeared, again. I dare say we won't be having anymore persimmons in the near future, least not until the next chapter has been made. Well then, get to it - the kettle's getting fussy and I can't keep the ferrets out of the thresher all night!
I hope to see more of it by the coming week.
4658081
This maaaay have been intentional, ''Goddess' sake' may have been used to replace the expression 'God's sake'.
Could be wrong of course.
4660689 I didnt give a thought to that. xD
4660693 Well in a society where the deities are female, or Goddesses, that expression maaay have been altered a little bit.
The view count is currently at 666....
THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPLES YOU!
4662933
I tend to use goodness as a substitute for god so I just though she'd mispelt goodness, but yeah you raise a good point.
4663116
Lol I don't think that will work
4663857
4660689
Actually, I think my friend meant goodness :D like as in "Oh my goodness". You silly butts
Though I'm not the biggest AJ fan, I'll keep an eye on this. Seems interesting enough, and I foresee good drama and (hopefully) good.. *ahem*. Well, you know. And yes, incest is indeed wincest. Especially if it's princest, but none of that matters now. On to reading a story that isn't this one because I'm going to literally explode if I don't finish it.
Two weeks By: NotARealPonyDotCom. Check it out Spike/ Rarity/ Sparity/ dragon lovers.
4664418
Looks at current view count....... well that was fast.... I should put away the holy water now.
4665866
The drama department is with my co-writer, but knowing them, it's bound to be really good
Also, it's ok if you don't like AJ
Your chapter repeated itself... It took me reading the entire thing to realize this... >.>
Anyways, well done, keep it up, etc.
4666904
Crap it did?! Lemme fix that. I'm so sorry about that. Can you tell me where this happened?
4666904
:D Never mind, I found it!
4666940
Just a quick bit of Technical Writing advice, in regards to format. I would suggest a break (such as a line, extra spacing, better-written Descriptive Writing break, etc.) to show when character perspectives change between the Apple siblings. But do NOT use "Big McIntosh PoV" &/or "Applejack PoV" text breaks, that kills reader immersion.
4668694
:D Thanks for letting us know about that. We're going to fix that up asap and post it.
4668745 you put choirs where chores should be.
4672463
Erk! Thank you! I'll make sure to fix that
4672690 no problem.
4672700
If you find any other mistakes, please, don't be afraid to tell me
okay, i'm not one to really promote incest (that's a lie), but this is actually pretty HAWT. and you know what, it's more than a little sweet. i like what i see so far. when do we get to see more?
4919584
My co-writer and I will be working on it soon. He as other projects that he's working on, so there's that going on. If you send me a pm I can give you a way to talk to me for updates
DO RE MI FA SOL LA–
Big Mac: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
Directly after reading this my brain spurted out "And that's why Big Mcintosh is red!".
🖕