~ Something Interesting Here. ~
Fluttershy has gone throughout most of her life as the kid hiding in the corner. Not showing her true face to anyone who draws near, all but her best friend Rainbow Dash. The only girl in her Middle school to know her for who she truthfully is. Until Rainbow moved away, Fluttershy vowed to never show her true colors to anyone but her beloved Rainbow!
Meeting the gang in High School with her Masquerade leads to problems when a certian long time crush of hers moves back into town.
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@GoldyBoi...
1. Since this is your first fan-fiction, I will try to not be too harsh. So keep in mind this Comment bears no malice towards you personally.
2. Technical Writing... This covers things like spelling, grammar, format, tense, and other technical aspects of literary writing (NOT storytelling, that is a different category). Always remember: You can have the greatest story-premise in the world, but if your Technical Writing is poor, your story is dead before done being read.
That being said, your chapter (1) keeps switching between past and present tense, and that causes disjointed reading, which kills reader attention.
Likewise, whether it is on accident or on purpose, you have used too much boldface.
.
3. Editor &/or Proofreader(s)... I would highly recommend recruiting an Editor &/or Proofreader(s) to back you up for your literary writing.
For finding an Editor & Proofreader(s) here on FiMfiction site itself...
~ a. Looking for Editors
~ b. The Proofreader Group
As the general rule for literary writing, you should only have a single Editor, but you can have multiple Proofreaders.
.
4. Storytelling... I for one, am unclear to what your story-premise actually is. From the Story Summary to the first chapter, the reader audience should have a clearer idea (albeit without spoilers) to what the Author intends for the story. Also remember: an Author must default-assume the reader audience is ignorant of the story-premise and the story-direction. So it is the Author's responsibility to paint a clear and vivid picture to the reader audience.
One of the more common, and fatal, fan-fiction writing errors is when the Author shoves a bunch of character names onto the literary stage and says, "this happens! and it was awesome inside my head! you imagine it too!" First, the readers cannot see inside your head, you (the Author) must paint it out for the readers (in words, of course. Unless you are a fan-artist...). Second, if you make the readers have to imagine the scene themselves, you instantly lose a large chunk of your readers' interest (if not all of it).
5. Hope this helps.
4516235 Alright! I really did feel like something was wrong with the story and I was wondering where I could get an editor! Thanks a bunch.
I enjoy the story and I'm not much if a critique but it was a bit too much bold.
4516405. I noticed. I thought it would be a good Idea to use bold for her dream of her past but I forgot to take it off when she woke up. I might go fix it but then again... I might not.... nah I'll fix it. Thank you for the comment!
4516413 Oh okay. I though that that was what you were going for but I was a little confused. Thanks
4516544. Welcome! Stay tuned for the next chapter.... it'll be a doozy. (If I spelled that right.)
Well, I'm on board. Not sure what else to add that hasn't been said yet.
4518297. I welcome you! I think I might come out with the next chapter as soon as I find an editor and get the chapter itself finished. I have allllll summer. Thanks for joining in!
4518345 Glad to join the party!
4518297. I swear..... your so familiar.... like an important familiar..... that name...
4518360 Can't imagine why. I just a few stories that are in dire need of an update, though that's definitely coming.
4518393. OOOOHHH That's where I know you from! Before I made an account I was getting used to just observing stories. YOU were one of the people who would always talk on the comments for those Flutterdash shipping stories and you were one of the people who got me to join the site and write! That's where I know you from! Last time I heard of you was like.... 3-4 days ago I think?
4518413 Oh okay. I have to admit, that's really observant. FlutterDash is among my favorite ships, and it's awesome that you're here. I haven't been involved in many fandoms, but I have to say that for the most part, this is the most positive that I have been a part of.
Keep on keeping on, whatever that means, and I look forward to reading more of your work.
4518463. Alright! I hope you do, I shall continue on with this series. Thank you for the encouragement thank you thank you!
4518493 I look forward to seeing how the story develops, and I'm happy to show support. Even if I might be able to provide much feedback, there are many on the site who are quite skilled at it, I will gladly encourage any writer to try and tell their story.
It might be a silly idea, but I like to think that what is important, though not most important, is that we tell our stories our way. Of course, we still have to finish them first. A facet of writing that I have yet to master.
4518511. Trust me it'll be good. Would I ever l lie to you? Trust me ask Fluttershy!
4518560 Trust in the Fluttershy, and she will never let you down.
4518568. Will do! Gonna get back to writing! Fluttershy calls! Cya next chapter!
muy buen inicio me encanta esta pareja gran historia
4538566. Thank you! I do like the way I started it. It's very nice of you to comment!
The previous chapter made me worry about Pinkie. Now, I'm thinking she's a dangerous menace, but at least someone's having a good time.
I'm worried about Fluttershy. It seems that she knows the person, and the same person beat up four bullies. If I were a betting man, I'd say that it's Gilda. Can't wait to see who it really is, and if Fluttershy will be okay.
4560179. That comment made me laugh. Don't worry, I'll make sure you'll all find out soon and there will be a lot of suprises. Hehehehe
4560819 Awesome! I'm all for surprises.
4560822. That's a good thing, I want to work on it right now but I also want to finish editing the third chapter for The Six. What should I do?
4560832 I would say to keep on what you're doing. You shouldn't feel pressured to get the next chapter done until you're ready to write it. I can, and will, wait for the next chapter.
4560838. Alright. Will do! Thanks for the feedback.
4560855 No problem. Happy to help. And now, for the both us, back to the writings!
I was amused by this story.
Clowns, drugs, lies, ... I love it. this deserves much more. so screw this. 'like' 'favourit' and for your jokes 'follow'
(not that you would be proud of having me as a follower, but...)
4583628. I am proud, why do you think we've been talking so much you're my friend.
This is a pretty good start up to your fic. I can't wait to see how this plays out.
4584958. Yeah I just finished the fourth chapter, things will be going smoothly for a bit then it's a bumpy ride.
4584963 Ooh! Well I can't wait to read more! I'll keep reading it after I get done writing my Sobra and Tirek one shot comedy. I feel I'll be commenting on this story a lot.
4584973. Let me know when your done with that. I always love villains and comical relief. That's good I love comments!
Yup, I'm convinced that Pinkie is a menace, though I'm not certain whether it's worse to be her friend or her victim. In fact, I wonder if she can tell the difference between the two.
Fluttershy's outburst was nice, though I had forgotten about Rainbow's unannounced moving. I wonder if Rainbow's plan to winning Fluttershy back will blow up in her face. I mean, in my mind at least, Fluttershy cared for who Rainbow was not what she could do, so an honest, and open, conversation would do more than any "awesome" display.
Then again, I could be wrong. I usually am.
Gilda's appearance strikes me as having the potential of her becoming the main antagonist, though it might be difficult since she was dispatched so quickly.
Still, her past history with both Rainbow and Fluttershy could prove to be a powerful addition. Especially since we never learned what their "product" was.
I look forward to the next chapter, as usual.
4586339. You always seem to nail it. Soon you're gonna have to start with PM's at the rate your going at you'll spoil things. You are correct friend or enemy Pinkie is just as dangerous. The product is well.... secret but it shall be revealed later. Your comments do brighten my day it's exciting and awesome to read feedback. Honestly your last comment did factor in some of the events in the fourth chapter. It didn't change my original plans it just added more. I really feel like working on the fifth chapter right now right now. Or work on The Six.
4584742
and
4587953. Equestria girls movie....
4589613 yeah.... that.... it's good and stuff, but it's a high school drama. I think that everyone agree with me when I say that the show is much better. I do like the movie, but... it could be cooler. at least 20% cooler
4592583. True, I do hope the next one will be better.
4592597 It will be. I just read chapter four. and the copper made it complete
really. I love this story
4592649. I always wanted to pull that part out into the story.
4593897 well, you just did. and you did it good.
"Instead she saw a stressed out Rainbow Dash pacing back and forth with a phone to (ger) ear" in the first stanza
"AppleJack sat there speaking for (tge) others in that statement" in the ninth stanza
I might add more
4686418. Alright I'll get to those. Your pretty good at spotting things out.
4687418
don't worry we all make some mistakes
well I try to find the mistakes then I try to say what it was suppose to be
4688633 Thank you for understanding.
I Finally catched up reading this. And the only error I can say... watch your 'h' you sometimes switch it with a 'g'.
Anyhow... it was a good story...And it just got better.
This Mane 6 is dark as shit!
Still favin' it