• Member Since 20th Jun, 2019
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Applejackisbest


"In this life we are either kings or pawns, emperors or fools." - Napoleon Bonaparte

T

Everything is awful. You are constantly ridiculed for being human. But when a pony thug finally pushes you too far you are blamed. It is only after you leave does everyone discover dashes true feelings.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 54 )

okay this is a very interesting story and i like to see more of it.

Hmm. I think this works better as a prelude that sets up the story than a chapter 1. You'll probably need to take things slower and with more detail going forward with more chapters.

I want to see where this is going, this chapter has me hooked.

So he could bitch slap each and every one of them, with them being unable to retaliate, yet he decides not too!? He’s a much more restraint person than me. Also, he saves a little girl’s life, and he ends up in this crappy Equestria? God knows how the little girl would have survived there (she was in the same situation as him, so it’s not too far off to assume she’d end up there if she was the one to die).

10109427
1 In karate, you learn self-restraint
2 It's only for self-defense
3 there were only 2
4 Thanks for the comment

10109398
Thanks for the advice I'll think of that when I start writing the next one

10109429

1 In karate, you learn self-restraint
2 It's only for self-defense
3 there were only 2
4 Thanks for the comment

1 I know, that doesn’t counter my statement that he’s much more restraint than me.

2 Yeah, and everything they did would warrant self defense, the guy out right stated that he’s been physically hurt by them.

3 Only 2?

4 You’re welcome, here’s another on the house

Yep. I will definitely follow this story. This chapter truly hooked me. :pinkiehappy:

The man can probably just kill everything with his bare hands and Magic cannot be used on him but he lives in a shity place with a shity job and shity ponies and yet he still saves others I have a lot of respect for that man he is a good man

10109435
I think its about showing them he's not the monster they make him out to be, even if it was to defend himself in the eyes of pony bystanders who would easily misunderstand it as an attack since they're clearly waiting for a reason to form an angry mob and run him out town.

10109577
That's why he's feared but he doesn't want to hurt them

You look over at her "Fuck off purple horse. I'm not in the mood." You say as you walk past her.

This is the best line in the story hands down. You should also try proofreading your stories, just a suggestion. Otherwise, this story was absolutely amazing and I want to see how the story goes from here.

10109903
:rainbowlaugh:

Now, I have to read this.

Keep going man, you’ve piqued my interest. Im a sucker for Humans being treated like shit. If you guys have any suggestions for similar stories, hit me up.

So far, there's not much to the story. Just a vague set-up with no real detail and a bunch of disconnected events. Sudden Bad Pony is a prime example of that; he has no build-up, no introduction, no lead-in, no dialogue. His only purpose or relevance to anything is to hurt Rainbow Dash, get KO'd, then vanish and never be mentioned again.

It goes on about how the ponies mistreat "You", but very little of the mistreatment is actually shown. The hat gets about as much screentime as any actual abuse from the ponies, maybe even more screentime.

Tying into those points, there's no real character shown by the ponies or the Protagonist. They just kinda... do stuff, without showing any personality beyond "Jerk Pony #1/#2" and "Badass But Restrained Human With Tragic BackstoryTM.

The big flaw with the story so far, though, is that the ponies act nothing like would be expected. Twilight Sparkle dancing like a monkey and telling the human to go back to the jungle just doesn't fit with her character, as the biggest example of that. Okay, it's an Alt Universe, from the tags, but the Twilight here has nothing tying her to what the reader is expecting, and not nearly enough world and character building for the huge differences to make sense or be believable.

10109971
On the very small off-chance that you haven't encountered it in your five years here, here's my recommendation:

[Adult story embed hidden]

A twisted delight of lack of intelligence, slavery, and violence with a strange romance mixed in. Now with an ongoing sequel.

10110521
I have to agree with you there. Feels like reading about characters forced into a egregiously different mold for the sole reason that the author says they should be like that. You know something's wrong if changing the names would make the story better.

My favorite Twily is being character murdered. :fluttershysad:

But hey, if you're reading this Applejackisbest, don't let some blunt criticism get you down. Learn from it and do your best, that's all anyone asks. You're here, writing, and that's more than I can say. :twilightsmile:

Alright darling, you've got my attention, go on.

You cant just post a prologue and not post more :(

So let me explain this. This just dropped yesterday but it's been in the works for a while because I didn't know what I wanted it to be at the moment. I just started it yesterday.:derpytongue2:

Looks like some of the ponies forgot about their lesson with Zecora (again), but much, much, worse.

Comment posted by Spiritus Arcane deleted March 2nd

10111327
Just a little friendly advice: Slow things down, take the time to establish the setting and characters.

10112344
agreed, this is a good story and i like this, but writing the next few chapters, try to explain some more backstory. Not trying to tell you how to write your story, btw. just saying.

10113327
so do i, but patience is a virtue
i guess

10111438
Or something wiped his memories on what caused them to dislike him.

Keep up the good work.

I'm glad Fluttershy's not against him.

Who else but Fluttershy

10114614
if this is alicorn twilight then going to assume she went through the mirror, fount out humans ate meat, decided to go specist against them and now the main character is paying the price.

10114782
Thats actualy a point in the "the end?" if i remeber right. Shame its dead

Whats gonna happen next?

10114689
Quagmire, actually

10125610
I see wat you did there and the worst part is I can't even be mad

10126811
Who else but Shirt Pants?

Keep it up!

10137797
maybe next year

10203095
That's exactly what this author is going to do. "Maybe next year"

117th like!!!

10110521
Ok, I have done that on purpose for what comes later in the story. It's meant to seem kinda stupid, for lack of better words

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