She cried.
Leaning against the her locker sitting down hugging her knees in the girls locker room. Even though she wasn't participating she still wore the school P.E. sweat pants. Along with the sweater she always wears, it usually drags down her grade and makes it impossibly hot for her and sweats up her beautiful light pink hair... but she didn't care. Right now she had to face the facts... well she was facing the facts. The fact that the truth hurt. Not knowing what to do, giving into her emotions thinking nobody would care if she were dead. Nobody wanting her around, and if they did it was just to isolate and shame her.
She cried.
Truth be told she sometimes understood why. Ever since she came out, people kept their distance. The teachers even put on fake masks. That's what she gets for telling the truth. Her parents haven't found out yet... it'll have to stay that way. Everyone wants to be away from her now. She also began to feel the same way, looking up from crying curled up she was proven correct. The girls Physical Education instructor hadn't even noticed she wasn't outside getting active and being the best that she can be. Nobody stopped to think about her to then come back and check. Nobody... at all. " I-I wish I could just....j-just." Unable to finish her sentence she broke into a sob. Lost in thought of all the horrible things in her life her head grew fuzzy, her breathing pace went faster and faster, her heartbeat sped up. She knew... it was hitting her again, she was having another panic attack. She has been having them a lot lately. The fear of her dying never subsides no matter how many times she has one though. She tried to calm down before hyperventilating which she at least managed to stall it. Tears flowing as if her eyes were the human embodiment of Niagra Falls. The feeling of her not being inside of her body was soon to come and it scared the timid girl. Which was not helping her case of needing to calm down at all.
--------------------
Everything was horrible. She felt like she couldn't hold it in anymore she couldn't do it. She couldn't handle all the thoughts of what would happen if this were to continue. Those thoughts made it even worse, on the outside she was so shaken but it was even worse on the inside. All of a sudden she had heard a strained voice. 'Was someone... singing?' She managed to think and ask herself. Then she noticed she was slowly calming down due to the singing. The tears stopped flowing eventually and her heartbeat calmed. She took this opportunity to close her eyes, take deep breaths, relax and sway her head to the novice singer. The voice was strained and the singer would mess up a lot, that made her giggle each time she did. Not out of cruelty it was just cute to her. The unknown was just singing random things no song in mind. After a while all that was left of what could have been a panic attack was just wiped off tears on her sleeves and the now fading dread. She had decided once she gets enough energy she would go and see who this person is. So she continued to rest and sway to the strained and novice singing voice that sounded like church choir to her.
----------------
As she had found the will and strength to get up she slowly made her way to the girls bathroom using some support by leaning on the lockers every now and then. Every step she took her courage was chipping away slowly. She couldn't stop though. As soon as her hand was on the door to push it open she thought of hiding away. She had come to far to quit now... and nobody was going to stop her now!
Before she lost all her courage again she pushed the door open looking at the rainbow haired girl known as the infamous Rainbow Dash. She noticed she wasn't all that curvy she had scratches on her face, tears still rolling down her face her P.E. uniform a mess, and yet... she still managed to pull off a rough young beauty.
Before Rainbow could scream her down she had already hid herself in her sweater... that was when Rainbow noticed she was that girl who's always picked on because she's gay. Rainbow somehow felt... like letting them treat her that way hurt herself and made her feel horrible inside. Although she wondered why she was here. " Why are you here? You here to make fun of me because I'm not feminine enough? Or is it because I sound like a boy sometimes? Want to make fun of my fail attempts of singing to make yourself feel better!?" With that... Rainbow had now noticed the girl was practically shaking in her skin. Rainbow was wrong but she sure as hell knew she wasn't going to admit it. So instead tried to make her feel better to bypass it.
"Hey um.... you might know this but I'm uh Rainbow Dash. I'm gonna be a pilot! So uh.... what do you like to do?" Saying in a kind manner secretly cursing herself on the inside but she couldn't bring herself to hurt this girl.
Looking at Rainbow she had come up with her answer. She can tell by looking her in the eyes when she equipped the guts to, that this girl wasn't going to hurt her... she was also in pain too. She had said it herself, and so she had a face of confidence and determination proclaiming something that brought joyful shock to the one who heard it and a blush to the one who said it. "My name... is Fluttershy... and I-I like your voice."
------------------------
BANG!!!!
The sound of Pinkies pocket party cannon shocked Fluttershy out of her sleep with an audible" Eep!" Barely catching her balance.
"Thank you Pinkie!" A voice only recognizable as Twilight Sparkle rang out. Fluttershy still able to hear with the ring in her ears. "Fluttershy this isn't like you! You'd never fall asleep in class all the way until the 10 minute break!" If this wasn't Twilights tone of voice when angry than she must be very scary when mad, because the way she said this made Fluttershy want to hide herself in her sweater.
"Well I uh... I-I, I was jus-" Before coming up with an excuse she was cut off by Pinkie Pie.
Wearing matching clothes with Twilight consisting of dressing in jeans and a shirt with the word Friendship on it." Who cares about that!? Why were you crying in your sleep?"
@GoldyBoi...
1. Since this is your first fan-fiction, I will try to not be too harsh. So keep in mind this Comment bears no malice towards you personally.
2. Technical Writing... This covers things like spelling, grammar, format, tense, and other technical aspects of literary writing (NOT storytelling, that is a different category). Always remember: You can have the greatest story-premise in the world, but if your Technical Writing is poor, your story is dead before done being read.
That being said, your chapter (1) keeps switching between past and present tense, and that causes disjointed reading, which kills reader attention.
Likewise, whether it is on accident or on purpose, you have used too much boldface.
.
3. Editor &/or Proofreader(s)... I would highly recommend recruiting an Editor &/or Proofreader(s) to back you up for your literary writing.
For finding an Editor & Proofreader(s) here on FiMfiction site itself...
~ a. Looking for Editors
~ b. The Proofreader Group
As the general rule for literary writing, you should only have a single Editor, but you can have multiple Proofreaders.
.
4. Storytelling... I for one, am unclear to what your story-premise actually is. From the Story Summary to the first chapter, the reader audience should have a clearer idea (albeit without spoilers) to what the Author intends for the story. Also remember: an Author must default-assume the reader audience is ignorant of the story-premise and the story-direction. So it is the Author's responsibility to paint a clear and vivid picture to the reader audience.
One of the more common, and fatal, fan-fiction writing errors is when the Author shoves a bunch of character names onto the literary stage and says, "this happens! and it was awesome inside my head! you imagine it too!" First, the readers cannot see inside your head, you (the Author) must paint it out for the readers (in words, of course. Unless you are a fan-artist...). Second, if you make the readers have to imagine the scene themselves, you instantly lose a large chunk of your readers' interest (if not all of it).
5. Hope this helps.
4516235 Alright! I really did feel like something was wrong with the story and I was wondering where I could get an editor! Thanks a bunch.
I enjoy the story and I'm not much if a critique but it was a bit too much bold.
4516405. I noticed. I thought it would be a good Idea to use bold for her dream of her past but I forgot to take it off when she woke up. I might go fix it but then again... I might not.... nah I'll fix it. Thank you for the comment!
4516413 Oh okay. I though that that was what you were going for but I was a little confused. Thanks
4516544. Welcome! Stay tuned for the next chapter.... it'll be a doozy. (If I spelled that right.)
Well, I'm on board. Not sure what else to add that hasn't been said yet.
4518297. I welcome you! I think I might come out with the next chapter as soon as I find an editor and get the chapter itself finished. I have allllll summer. Thanks for joining in!
4518345 Glad to join the party!
4518297. I swear..... your so familiar.... like an important familiar..... that name...
4518360 Can't imagine why. I just a few stories that are in dire need of an update, though that's definitely coming.
4518393. OOOOHHH That's where I know you from! Before I made an account I was getting used to just observing stories. YOU were one of the people who would always talk on the comments for those Flutterdash shipping stories and you were one of the people who got me to join the site and write! That's where I know you from! Last time I heard of you was like.... 3-4 days ago I think?
4518413 Oh okay. I have to admit, that's really observant. FlutterDash is among my favorite ships, and it's awesome that you're here. I haven't been involved in many fandoms, but I have to say that for the most part, this is the most positive that I have been a part of.
Keep on keeping on, whatever that means, and I look forward to reading more of your work.
4518463. Alright! I hope you do, I shall continue on with this series. Thank you for the encouragement thank you thank you!
4518493 I look forward to seeing how the story develops, and I'm happy to show support. Even if I might be able to provide much feedback, there are many on the site who are quite skilled at it, I will gladly encourage any writer to try and tell their story.
It might be a silly idea, but I like to think that what is important, though not most important, is that we tell our stories our way. Of course, we still have to finish them first. A facet of writing that I have yet to master.
4518511. Trust me it'll be good. Would I ever l lie to you? Trust me ask Fluttershy!
4518560 Trust in the Fluttershy, and she will never let you down.
4518568. Will do! Gonna get back to writing! Fluttershy calls! Cya next chapter!
muy buen inicio me encanta esta pareja gran historia
This is a pretty good start up to your fic. I can't wait to see how this plays out.