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A nameless city stands as a monument to a dead civilization, a kingdom of ponies that predates Equestria. Many have tried to pillage its secrets: Diamond Dogs, Griffins, the early Unicorn Kingdoms, the Grand Army of Neighpoleon – even the ancient Dragons. Few who entered ever returned. What secrets await the Doctor in the long abandoned city of pillars? And who else is attempting to unravel its secrets?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Lookin good so far. Excited to see where this is headed.
Can tell at a glance that this is well written, well edited and shows the mark of a good writer. Eager to see more.
Ok, let's see here...
- Well written story here? Check.
- Tension in all the right places? Check.
- Interesting setup? Check.
- Proper pacing? Check, check and triple check.
Honestly, I'm not sure what to say here. I mean, this is a very, very, very good story you've got here. The formatting's great, the dialogue fulfilling, the interaction between characters stellar and overall this first chapter you've posted is absolutely rock solid. You've placed the doctor's character perfectly in this iteration of one of his adventures and I can totally see him star in this kind of adventure. The thing you've got going on with Octavia is fantastic, with all the mystery around her and the attitude she's gotten and the protective, self-preservation mentality makes all sorts of intriguing questions pop up into my mind. I know you PM'd me saying that you like to hold things off and reveal them later, and I don't mind that one bit. It's good. It's very good, because sometimes I see other authors on this site do it and they don't reveal enough to the reader, they don't show enough about the characters and the settings and the circumstances they're in. It's nice to read something written by someone who clearly knows what they're doing.
But I'm here for critique, am I not? Well, first off, I'd like to see a bit more description from the environments and objects within the perspective of the characters we, the readers, are spectating. The desert description was fine – it's a desert, easy to visualize – but the rest of the settings I feel were skipped over a little. When Octavia is in the orb-spaceship-thing, I can't really picture it well. It's an emergency pod with medical functions for sure, but is it futuristic? Is it see through? Are there buttons on the side? Maybe I missed it, but it seems like Octavia's reactions to her saviour was prioritized over what exactly she was seeing. This occurs later too when the pair are in the ruins of the city. Focus is brought on just character interaction instead of a balance between interaction and description. There's a ruined city, I know that for sure, but is it an ancient city? I'm guessing so because it's in the middle of an inhabitable wasteland, but don't know for sure because there isn't enough information for my brain to paint a picture for me.
Second off, there are some things that are not explained that you left for interpretation from hints and ques you've written in, but are still not clear to me. How old is Twilight? Is she a filly? I think she is because Minuette's her mentor, but I she could still cast big, flashy spells that activates shields in old, torn down cities? I don't know, and that's a problem because obviously Twilight has a fairly big role to play in the storyline. In addition, if Minuette is Twilight's mentor, then where's Celestia? Is this an alternate universe? What age does this occur in? Previous to Nightmare Moon's return? I guess. Either way, these kinds of problems will most likely fix themselves once you release another chapter or two, but until then, from all that I could gather from this chapter, there are quite a few gaps. Now, these questions are different to the questions surrounding Octavia because Twilight already has a basis for who we think she should be. Twilight is the main character of the show, we all know that, but we all want to know how she acts, speaks and thinks in your tale of Friendship is Magic. We, the audience, want to compare and contrast between the two and think and contemplate on what is interesting and different with the new Twilight. However, we cannot do this with insufficient information. You might want to think about that.
Those two problems I have are the only things I can think of that are wrong with this story, and one of them is easily solvable by adding more chapters. I simply suggest spending more focus on description, but not so much that you tone down your character interaction. Your character interaction is fantastically engaging. Do not change it one bit. I also hope that my questions will hopefully be answered in future installments, as well as see more about who Minuette is and who little Octavia is and who Twilight Sparkle is.
I'll be looking forward to watching what you will write next.
4334780 Oh my goodness! You are awesome!
Criticism about description duly noted! And thank you very much in regards to your opinion of the interaction. I shall work hard to keep it up. However (tee-hee!) I think you misread some of the character names, not everyone you mentioned appears in this story.
Can't wait for the next chapter
Great story, but it needs the Crossover tag.
Can't wait for more.
This story starts off great by avoiding most of the Doctor Whooves cliches, and is over 5k words! Seriously, it is hard to find a DW story with a high word count, or even long chapters.
Probably the best "normal" Doctor Whooves I've read in at least 6 months. And I go out of my way to read every new DW fic on this site.
(Normal as in the Doctor regenerates, meets pony, pony becomes companion, adventure!)
Wow, that was a long chapter. I liked it a lot though, and Clara being here, as well as Twilight Velvet makes a good timey wimeyness plot.
And the Doctor learning about pony society was done expertly, with an interesting conversation that didn't bore at all. While the word count is ridiculously intimidating, the chapter felt much shorter than expected, maybe at most 10,000 words.
It was a very good chapter, overall.
once again celestia is perceived as a villain. I am intrigued by this story more and more. the doctor is the 10th. the tardis is nearby but the doctor must get to it. he needs his mysterious equipment to do that. all the characters have mysteries about their motives. I have a funny feeling that Octavia and the doctor may be the only ones to make it out of this adventure alive. there is more to the ruins than meets the eye. I was surprised that no mention of human existence has come into this yet. I wonder if the doctor will discover that equus is actually the earth far in the future. so many questions to be answered. some of the main characters have been separated, and a new enemy is coming back to life. please finish this soon. ive waited so long to see this finished.
isn't twilight velvet, twilight sparkles mother? im also remembering COLGATE IS BEST TARDIS...LOL. this would be an awesome daring do story, as daring is related in some stories, to ditsy doo.
Jeez. How intense.
ARE YOU EVER GOING TO FINISH THIS ?????? You've come so far, in magnificent fashion, but this must be continued to conclusion !!!