The Loving and Infatuated Trixie

by Acclamations

Baby Steps

The Loving and Infatuated Trixe by Aclamations

A/N: This is my first fan fiction on fimfiction so any feedback would help me on the future. Hope you enjoy this.

Oh Twilight, Trixie thought. She was in a cardboard box, in an alleyway of Ponyville in the middle of the night, Luna's moon shining brightly with the stars. After being forcefully evicted from Ponyville. Her boastful and arrogant attitude made it even worse when she was hunted down by Rainbow Dash, yelling "You will never catch the Great And Powerful Trixie with such mediocre flying skills!", and a stealthy rush into hiding. How Trixie wish to be with you, in this time of the hour. Trixie sighed, a sigh of which one can tell if a mare was in love. It's been a week and the mare has already succumbed to her inner feelings.

Meanwhile, in the library...

"Spike! Help me put this stuff in my room!" Twilight yelled from the bottom of the staircase. Trixie's hat, cape and what left that can be salvaged from her cart. Trixie... why did you have to be such a arrogant fool? We could've been the best of friends... Twilight's train of though was soon cut off by a loud, purple dragon.

"Twilight, do we really need to put this stuff upstairs? Why not throw it in the trash..." Spike said.

"Spike! This is Trixie we're talking about, and we're not leaving her possessions out on the street. This is a pony we're talking about!" Twilight exclaimed. Even though Trixie had been snotty, she deserved a second chance.

"Fine..." Spike grumbled.

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Trixie sighed again. Trixie will have to get to Twilight. No matter what happens, Manticore, Ursa or trees, Trixie will get to Twilight!. Trixie's firm resolve was soon met with a crash of dumpsters. Trixie quickly hid behind the box, hoping nopony would see Trixie in such condition. Luckily for her, nopony did. Trixie sighed and quickly fixed herself up. She had to be presentable to the mare of her dreams; dashed off into the night, and into the depths of Ponyville.

Skillfully dodging the various ponies who were cleaning the streets, she made her way over and under, through the shadows and over rooftops. All the while, Trixie set her main goal to Twilight's Library.

A few minutes later, Twilight heard a rapping on her door. She was in her bed, mumbling about who in the right mind would need something from the Library at such an hour. She went down the steps and opened the door, only to be presented with a cerulean mare, scraping the dirt on the floor shyly.

"Trixie! What are you doing here!" Twilight said. Her brain slowly processing at the sight at the door. Trixie was sweating, her mane messed up and her breathing at a quick and heavy pace. Before Trixie could speak, Twilight grabbed her and pulled her inside, and slammed the door shut.

"Twilight, your being too rough!" Trixie yelped at the sudden roughness of her crush. Twilight plopped Trixie onto the hard ground.

"Trixie, you've been gone for a week! Where were you?" Twilight looked at the mare with a growing concern. Trixie just stared, into the luscious, violet eyes of her captor. Those big purple eyes, Trixie thought. Like the color in a rainbow.... Trixie was soon cut short after Spike, came down the stairs, completely oblivious of Trixie's presence.

"Twilight, what's going on? I heard yelling about Trixie and I-" Spike's mouth quickly got a hoofful of purple.

"Nothing Spike, nothing at all! I was just thinking loudly. Nothing to be worried about!" Twilight said frantically. Trixie hid under the stairs, to conceal her presence. She gave Twilight the silent nod, showing her not to be worried anymore. Twilight calmed down and took her front hoof out of Spike's mouth.

"Well, ok then. Just don't be loud when you think about Trixie." Spike yawned. Twilight looked at Spike, dumb founded by not knowing Trixie was behind him, and also because he spilled the beans in front of her. There was a moment of silence until Spike shut the door to his bedroom.

Twilight pawed at the wood with her front hoof. Trixie, trotted up to Twilight and sat down, looking at her looking at the floor. A deep crimson set into Twilight.

"You we're dreaming... about Trixie?" Trixie asked. She was delighted by the fact her crush could be harboring the same feelings she had and it gave her hope.

"Oh, not at all Trixie! I was just, you know, thinking about a recipe! Yes, that's it!" Twilight tried to formulate her excuse, but Trixie saw through it like fire on ice.

"Honestly do you take the Great and Powerful Trixie as a fool, dear Twilight?" Trixe put a hood on top of Twilight's shoulder, making the lavender mare look up.

"Dear Twilight?" Twilight tilted her head to the side. Realizing her mistake Trixie herself adopted the deep crimson Twilight not to long ago had. Shoot, Trixie spoke too much. Trixie pondered whether or not she should open her heart. Twilight looked puzzled for a time until Trixie spoke again.

"Uhm... I-It was j-just a small error, that's all." Trixie said quickly. Twilight knew there was more to it than that and decided to take her chance to fish out whatever she was hiding. Twilight levitated Trixie, getting a yelp and pinned her to the ground.

"T-Twilight! What a-are you going t-to do to Trixie?!" Trixie stuttered. Her brain going over the various scenarios of what might happen, most of them dirty. Trixie blushed and the purple unicorn pushed her face close to Trixie, all the meanwhile using her hooves to block Trixie. Both unicorns realized the closeness of each other and fidgeted a bit. Twilight backed off, blushing again.

"What did you mean, 'Dear Twilight' Trixie?" Twilight peered into Trixie and she tried to look away. Twilight's magic kept her into place.

"It was n-nothing, Twilight! J-just a small mistake, t-that's all!" Twilight could see she was bluffing and decided to use an alternative to get what she wanted. She leaned in, and kissed the surprised Trixie on the lips.

Eyes widening, Trixie's mind blew up by what Twilight was doing. Twilight is kissing me! Twilight Sparkle is kissing me!. Trixie indulged in the moment and ust as Twilight started to pull away, Trixie took her frontal hooves and pushed Twilight back onto her lips. You think Trixie will let you go? Never!.

Surprised, Twilight struggled to get free, and Trixie used her magic. Now, Twilight was moving into Trixie, shocked and mentally unprepared of her movement. Twilight thought nothing of her method of gathering information, but when Trixie pulled her back, her brain "blew up".

Trixie kept using her magic until there was full skin contact, sort of how 2 starfishes come together. Trixie released her grip on Twilight and stared into her eyes, still with body contact. Twilight melted into a state of pleasure and confusion.

"Wha- Ju- Why-" Twilight tried to absorb all the information, but Trixie's eyes occupied Twilight's brain. From Trixie's perspective, Twilight just sat there, mouth agape, trying to formulate a reasonable explanation as to what just happened.

"Twilight, Trixie respects you very much. And she wishes to be with you." Trixie said abruptly. Trixie nuzzled Twilight's neck and hugged her with all her might, potentially giving her a death hug. "I love you Twilight, and don't you forget it!"

The End

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A/N: I hope you enjoyed this one-shot Twixie story!

Comments

[Lateinshowing]

Almost too short, could have used a bit more development. Otherwise good start to fan-fic writing I suppose.

[Sorren]

It's pretty good. my only advice is fix all the sentance splices. When i first started writing I used to be the sentance splice master. It may seem like it increases fluency. Trust me, it does not.

[Skull025]

The pacing and length could be improved, but it wasn't bad. Not good, but not bad.

[Bio-Man]

What I have to say would just rehash the above comments. But it is a good Story, It could be a little longer.

[Grtgfbll]

All this really needs is a few chapters of Twilight hiding Trixie until she can convince the rest of Ponyville that she WON'T be a pain in the plot while she's around. And maybe a few more of those cutesie TrixiexTwilight scenes.

[kharnes]

for your first fic... not bad not bad. ill keep an eye for you for future stories

[10art1]

I need more to clop to :/

Also it has some minor grammar errors

[leaderofstars]

mmm could be longer.
serves the point but it'll do.

[Hungrybear]

quite arguably one of the most common shipping couple.
not really a fan of these kind of stories, but it was a good read, but can use some improvement

[Arcanum Symphonis]

I think I'm just repeating everyone else here, but you had a few spelling/grammar errors which disrupt the story's flow a little and the sentences could have been structured a little more cleanly. It was also short, but that sometimes isn't a bad thing.

You show promise, there's no doubt about that. With a little more refinement, you could be writing stories for tens or hundreds of readers at a time. As your chapter title suggests, though: "baby steps". Take it slowly, absorb the knowledge of what makes a good story great (and what turns a good idea into a bad story), and you'll be well on your way to becoming a top-notch writer.

The important things to remember are to ask people - get them to pre-read your story and point out flaws, or just ask for advice - and to write what you want to write - the more enjoyment you get from writing, the better your writing will be and the more your readers will enjoy reading.

Until then, keep practising, keep writing and have fun.

[Buckethead]

Please get rid off the 3rd person speaking for Trixie. I will love you if you do it

[Tempname10732]

378547 The Great and Powerful Trixie speaks in 3rd person, though.

[Acclamations]

Thanks for all the comments. I'll make sure in the future to make it longer and not splice the story. Pretty good for a first time

[Nuki Mouse]

Very good as a first fanfic, others have already told you about your sentence structure and minor grammatical errors.

Here is one piece of advice that might help. Whenever you do write something, put it away for awhile. Write something else (different), take a walk, wait to the next day, ect... NOW read outloud what you wrote. You'll be surprised at just how many errors and badly worded or structured sentences will jump out at you. This is because as you write something your "mind's eye" tends to see it the way you want it to read, even if it does not. By waiting until your short term memory of the passage has expired, now you are more likely to spot errors, especially in prose and word use.

Now some more feedback. Trixie/Twilight shipping stories are VERY common, fans of this ship will read this but might find it a little too rushed or straight forward. Others who hate this ship or are just too tired of it won't read it nor like it unless you offer something truly different or unique about your version.

Example: Trixie has been ordered arrested by Celestia after the Ursa Minor incident, even going as far as offering a reward for her capture. Twilight sees this as an injustice since it was Snips and Snails woke the beast, not Trixie. Twilight hides Trixie in the library from everone else even though they don't get along at first. Twilight must convince the rest of the Mane Six to help her, even though some think Trixie is guilty and using Twilight's good nature, plus could really use the reward.

I AM NOT SAYING YOU MUST USE THIS, I am just giving a new take on the shipping off the top of my head.

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

378587 Not all the time, though.

Anyway, yeah. I'm mostly repeating others here. It's good, and you show promise. Just needs to be longer, more to it and such. Good beginning, at least.

[banjo2E]

378318

It's spelled "sentence".

[Sorren]

379236 Well okay then grammar nazi. I wrote a quick review during the middle of comp tech class, give me a break.

[SugarPesticide]

After being forcefully evicted from Ponyville.
This is not a sentence.

Her boastful and arrogant attitude made it even worse when she was hunted down by Rainbow Dash, yelling "You will never catch the Great And Powerful Trixie with such mediocre flying skills!", and a stealthy rush into hiding.
How the flying buck is that stealthy? Unless you were being ironic, but that doesn't seem likely.

It's been a week and the mare has already succumbed to her inner feelings.
When did this switch to present tense?

Trixie's hat, cape and what left that can be salvaged from her cart.
Tense trouble/not-a-sentence combo! Double whammy!

Trixie... why did you have to be such a arrogant fool? We could've been the best of friends...
ORLY? She knew her for the space of about four hours. That's not exactly enough time to make someone mourn lost opportunities.

Twilight's train of though was soon cut off by a loud, purple dragon.
I'm picturing the hyper half of that two-headed dragon from Dragon Tales. Use details to convince me otherwise.
And a train of though sounds like something Pinkie would ride.

Even though Trixie had been snotty, she deserved a second chance.
By that reasoning, this could just as easily be a Twilight/Gilda fic.

Trixie quickly hid behind the box, hoping nopony would see Trixie in such condition.
Since when did Trixie become the narrator?

Skillfully dodging the various ponies who were cleaning the streets,
If she can do that, why did she crash into the dumpster? Are unicorns always fluctuating in competence when drunk or whatever?

Her brain slowly processing at the sight at the door.
Not a sentence.

Those big purple eyes, Trixie thought. Like the color in a rainbow....
As opposed to those non-rainbow-compatible shades of purple.

Trixie was soon cut short after Spike, came down the stairs, completely oblivious of Trixie's presence.
Obvious comma splice is obvious.

"You we're dreaming... about Trixie?"
Whoa. I knew Trixie was narcissistic, but ...

Twilight tried to formulate her excuse, but Trixie saw through it like fire on ice.
This simile makes about as much sense as a beaver driving a bulldozer.

Trixe put a hood on top of Twilight's shoulder, making the lavender mare look up.
"Now that you've been inducted into the Klan, just put this on and together we shall terrorize those filthy dragons." And then Twilight was a racist.

Twilight levitated Trixie, getting a yelp and pinned her to the ground.
Levitation is upward. The ground is downward. Bucking logic, how does it work?

Eyes widening, Trixie's mind blew up by what Twilight was doing.
When did this become a Michael Bay film?

Trixie kept using her magic until there was full skin contact, sort of how 2 starfishes come together.
Ewwwwwwww

Yeah, this really was mediocre at best. No conflict, all pining. It's boring.

[SwiperTheFox]

Wow, this needs a lot of work. I understand that it's your first fanfic, but as people has pointed out... I just had to stop at the end of the first paragraph. What 379539 said.

Don't give up writing, just because this has problems. Go ahead, revise this, and try to improve. You can do it.

[Acclamations]

378834 I'll take your word for it. Hopefully, when I write another piece it'll be better.

[Buckethead]

378587 I like to think of it as her stage persona

[Purple Thunder]

380229 I read this and thought it was good, probably because I'd just come from a story that was lots worse, which didn't have as many people complaining about it. Personally, I thought it was short and sweet.

[Pidgeons]

The Loving and Infatuated Trixe
(Trixie's name is misspelled in the title. Not the title that links to the story, but the one that's included within the story)

After being forcefully evicted from Ponyville.
(Sentence fragment incorrectly used as a full sentence)

hunted down by Rainbow Dash, yelling
(Makes it sound as if Rainbow Dash is yelling instead of Trixie)

How Trixie wish to be with you, in this time of the hour
(Wishes. And seriously? You're starting her off already consciously pining for Twilight? I would have thought her feelings as a humiliated rival would cover up any underlying romantic feelings, that slowly start to come out. But you just kinda...put it out there. "Yep, I love Twilight and I'm fully aware of it from the get-go..." She should initially pass off her own obsession with Twilight as rivalry based, and not at first realize the underlying romantic nature of her fixation. Or at least explain that after leaving Ponyville the more Trixie obsessed about Twilight, the more she came to realize it was more than just feelings of rivalry and indignation. You present it as if the reader is already supposed to know about it. Granted, most readers who come across this story is probably looking for a Trixie/Twilight and so already know it's heading in that direction. But a little "how it got from point A to point B" "Point A" being the feelings depicted in the Magic Duel Episode, or Boast Busters..depending on when this story takes place, and "Point B" being the romantic feelings underneath.)

a sigh of which one can tell if a mare was in love
(You're showing rather than telling. I don't need to be told what the sigh means. Write it in a way that makes it clear that she's in love with her, without bashing me over the head with directly telling me. Though I must reiterate that the very beginning of the story is far too early for Trixie herself to realize she's in love with Twilight.)

Trixie... why did you have to be such a arrogant fool? We could've been the best of friends...
(Good. Yes. This is exactly how Twilight would start out thinking. Rather than already being aware of any underlying romantic feelings)

"Spike! This is Trixie we're talking about, and we're not leaving her possessions out on the street. This is a pony we're talking about!"
(That a pony shouldn't be treated that way makes sense. Twilight emphasizing what particular pony they're talking about, however, holds no meaning whatsoever.)

Twilight looked at Spike, dumb founded by not knowing Trixie was behind him,
(Do you mean "dumbfounded by the fact that Spike didn't realize Trixie was behind him"? You make it sound like Twilight is the one who doesn't know Trixie is behind Spike, and it's magically making her dumbfounded)

I like the fighting for control thing during the love scene. Considering that Trixie sees Twilight as a rival to challenge and defeat.

[Acclamations]

2282318

This is like. Old. That's all I have to say.

[Pidgeons]

2288840

Awesome.
I never check dates.
Although the statement "This is my first fanfic" certainly gives room for it to be very old.

In any case, I was following your instructions right to the letter.

Anyway I'm a huge Twixie fan, and I like this one a lot. Funny thing, I normally have an extremely negative view of a story, or an extremely positive one. This story doesn't disappoint. Please excuse the nitpicking. I just couldn't help myself.

[Acclamations]

2289205

It's ok. It's the necessity of the reader TO nitpick other people's stories so the writer can see the errs of it. And, which in turn, helps the reader.

So thanks. Bro.