My name is Connor Giddens.
No, you wouldn't know that. Of course not. I make a point of not being associated with many people, but such is an introvert's way of life. The few people I really talk to are my friends, and there aren't too many of those, just consisting of my 4 friends Ashlyn, Nicole, James, and Will. High School kinda sucks, especially as a brony. That is, until I met her.
Note from the author:
First off, this is my first story, so constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated. Second, you'll notice "her" name is Katherine and not Fluttershy. I like to think Fluttershy's human name is Katherine. Its sounds graceful and timid like her, but that's just my opinion.
Chapters (2)
Not bad. Please, continue.
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It is an overdone premise, but right now, might have potential to be something else. Try not to disappoint, ya here?
I will have to keep watch over this. You get a like, but have to work for the favorite.
The moment you changed Fluttershy's name to Kathrine I wanted to do this.
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However, I reminded myself that it was not the worst offense an author could commit and actually is almost a necessary evil considering that no self-respecting normal human (at least none that I can see) would name their child Fluttershy. So I forced my hand painfully, yet surely into position over my keyboard rather than into my screen, and decided to give you a nice lengthy comment instead.
Alrighty then, harsh criticism first:
Watch out for redundant language like this:
We already know that Conner was grumbling from the very moment that you mentioned it, saying it again is unnecessary and makes your story feel choppy.
Also note that there is a lack of senses other than sight and sound in your writing, while not a critical issue, 100,000 words worth of: "MC does this, MC then proceeds to do that." can get pretty bland. Tell us how Conner feels; when he wakes up and carries himself like a zombie, is it because he's heavy, like a one-thousand pound weight has been strapped to each of his limbs? Or is it that his arms and legs feel numb, filled with static and putty, making them unresponsive as a result?
Another point to consider is that telling your tale from the first person perspective gives readers a chance at gleaning an intimate understanding of Conner. For example, the way that he describes a bed of flowers will differ greatly from the way others do, the same principle applies to how he perceives another person, or the current situation at hand. When he describes these things to us, he does so in a way that reveals his inner depths, bit by bit. Exploit this fact to its fullest extent and give us a unique character with a distinct voice that we can empathize with.
Now for the obligatory yet well-earned ego boosting stuff.
Your story is legible, and despite using simple diction, allows for an entertaining read, doesn't endlessly have Conner lament about how horrid his life is and doesn't have him hooking up with Kathrine romantically in the very beginning. You Sir/Mai'am have overcome the wall of Stugeon's Law, pat yourself on the back and buckle down because I will now judge you like I would judge any best-seller I picked up from the public library.
Because I know you have the capability to compete with them.
While I will be reserving my like until I read your next few chapters know that you did a good job, I'll be watching this.
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The IB huh? I know your pain
She donned a pair of brown Capri pants.
Donned means put on. So she... Um, I don't think that's what you meant to say.
Thank you for the criticism guys. I'll do a bit of editing and hopefully the next chapter will be posted either tonight or tomorrow. As for the people who disliked, I would greatly appreciate if you gave a reason why you did instead of just disliking it. This is my first story after all.
I think you need an editor. The story has a great premise, but the grammatical errors can really pull a reader out of the story.
4082760 I think you are absolutely right, but i have no idea how to get one D:
4080247 Don't worry, I end up Nicknaming her later on in the story.
4080820 Fixed, thanks for spotting that
4082760 I think you are absolutely right, but i have no idea how to get one D:
4082828
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/97/looking-for-editors
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/500/editors-group
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/202069/editors-group
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/197236/overly-extensive-editors
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/200289/editorsrus
Or just type 'editor' or 'editors' in the search bar at the top of the page near notifications.
4082820
Unless you can find an extremely irrefutable, logical reason for doing that, I would avoid it.
If everything is humanized with everyone having normal human names, it makes no sense (usually) to have humans with pony names.
However, if you do find that reason and it melts into the story like cheese on macaroni I won't have any problems with it.
And.
That red eye needs to be capitalized...
I also recommend that you add this fic to as many groups as possible to get you some publicity and a boost in views. If your worried about being torn apart by the groups that dislike every story that has even one error, try going for the more laid-back groups such as The Pleasent Comentator And Review Group or School For New Writers.
I wouldn't however, recommend trying to add it to one of the harsher ones (unless you need to be dunked into that meta-physical depreciating bucket of water that is true criticism) like Rage Reviews until you iron out all of your edges. And grow a very thick layer of skin.
4083985 Lol ill be looking for an editor tomorrow to help out
Congrats on getting the chapter out, your progressing well but you may want to keep on the lookout for redundant language, grammar slights, and vague dialogue tags such as:
In cases where our narrator is in the "3rd person", after long paragraphs, or when the paragraph in question is inordinately lengthy without hope of being broken into smaller paragraphs this may be easily passed over, given that the following text will more thoroughly paint the scene. However, when words like "frustratingly", "conversationally", and even something with more solid connotations like "timidly" are used alone to describe someone's message you get a sort of gray slate with just a dash of color at the center in your mind when reading it.
Reason being, everyone expresses emotion in different ways.
Take the extrovert for example; "conversationally" for them may mean closing the distance between them and their listener, smiling unabashedly, increasing volume and emphasizing points with casual touches like a high-five for excitement.
"Conversationally" for a dictionary-definition (shy) introvert on the other hand, would be expected to be more subtle; holding eye-contact for longer periods, their brows raised in interest, maintaining steady/composed body language, their feet pointed at their audience rather than nervously towards the nearest exit and genuine smiles rather than artificially pleasant ones, and for those with the tendency to do so, not recoiling from situation appropriate touches.
And that's before you take into account the many non-generic mannerisms that are unique to each and every person, like Fluttershy's proclivity for hiding behind her hair, which you did pull off nicely.
A few vague dialogue tags may go unnoticed and might even be necessary to prevent reader exhaustion with too many finely detailed, long paragraphs, but too many leaves your story bland.
You must find a balance.
That aside, well done, and keep the good chapters coming! (if you don't mind, that is
)
4110771 Thank you again for your advice. I believe finding an editor that catches mistakes like this however should increase the quality dramatically. Still on the lookout though.
Beware of self inert story's
Not bad. However, I am a bit surprised this got on the site at all, being both meta and not technically having any pony characters in it, what with Fluttershy being renamed. I like the plot so far, although that might just be because it reminds me of me. I'll keep an eye on this. I can give you a full review of the story if you'd like as well.
Hmm...
I'll bear with this a little longer since I have a soft spot for this type of wish-fulfillment story, but a couple of things.
1. Although I get the renaming of characters, it's...a little offputting.
2. If your self-insert OC is a brony, shouldn't everything about this girl be SCREAMING "FLUTTERSHY!!" at him?
3. The pace is very slow.
4. You do need a proofreader or editor. There are a few problems with this, such as random word capitalization.
So again, sticking with it a bit longer, but...it needs to get interesting fast.
Do continue, good sir.
I believe you have many of us interested.
Keep going!!
Doing a good job so far, keeping an eye on this story.
Where is the new chapter? Please continue, so much time has passed from last episode.