Break
Fluttershy was walking into the town market, it bustling with the flow of life and transactions being made. Everywhere, ponies were yelling at salesponies trying to get the lowest deal where other salesponies were chasing away the children trying to abscond with their wares. Fluttershy shrunk into herself as she headed towards the lettuce stand. She was crouched so low that she didn’t notice when she bumped into somepony.
“Oh, I’msorryIdidn’tmeanto-”
“Hey, Fluttershy!”
Fluttershy raised to head to see Pinkie Pie, whereupon she let out a sigh of relief. “Hey, Pinkie.”
Pinkie giggled. “So, what are you here for? I’m here for more balloons!”
Fluttershy nodded. Pinkie could never have enough balloons. “Well, I’m just here for lettuce to feed Angel.”
Pinkie nodded. “Man, you really spoil that rabbit! Don’t they usually eat carrots?”
Fluttershy shook her head. “No. Carrots aren’t very healthy for bunnies. If I fed Angel a consistent diet of carrots, it’d be like you or me eating only chocolate. I honestly have no idea where that started…” she trailed off as she noticed Pinkie was lost in her own reverie. She lightly poked Pinkie Pie, who snapped out of it immediately.
“Wha?”
Fluttershy giggled. “You were lost in thought.”
Pinkie shook her head. “Well, no time for that! Time for balloons!” she announced as she walked towards Fluttershy and Fluttershy walked towards her. Suddenly, Fluttershy’s hoof caught on an uneven cobblestone and she tripped forward, landing on her muzzle. Pinkie turned towards her and laughed, along with what was probably the entire market. She sat there, shivering.
“Fluttershy, you should really watch where you’re going!”
“S-stay the hay away from may today!”
Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “Why should I stay away from May? May is one of the happiest months on the calendar, silly filly!” She giggled again, her laugh echoing in Fluttershy’s mind.
“Because cue cards!” she shrieked as she flew behind a couple of crates.
“Fluttershy, are you okay? You don’t seem okay. Maybe I should get Twilight…” Pinkie mused as she started pronking in the directions of the library, leaving Fluttershy to shiver in terror.
----
“Fluttershy?”
Fluttershy raised her head to see Twilight looming over her menacingly.
“Lettuce, lettuce, lettuce, lettuce…” she droned on while rocking back and forth.
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “I’m not sure what’s wrong with her Pinkie, but I could perform a simple test.”
“OK!” Pinkie said accusingly. Fluttershy shrunk back.
“Ok,” Twilight said, “Is your name Fluttershy?”
“Y-yes…”
“Are you in the town market?”
“Y-yes…” Fluttershy whispered.
“Are you a head of lettuce?”
“Y-yes!” Fluttershy cried out as she covered her head in her forehooves.
“‘Hmmm, I think I see the problem. Pinkie, help me carry her to Ponyville Hospital!”
“Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie said as she launched Fluttershy onto her back.
“Effervescent bubbling can’t overthrow the delight of life!” Fluttershy yelled as she landed onto Pinkie’s back, Pinkie rushing off towards the hospital, Twilight following.
----
Pinkie, Twilight and Fluttershy entered the emergency room, Fluttershy still on Pinkie’s back. Twilight approached the desk.
“Nurse Redheart, I think Fluttershy’s having a psychotic break!”
Nurse Redheart looked up from her magazine, her blue eyes filled with concern. “I’m sorry to hear that, I really am. But you’ll have to wait your turn, just like everypony here.” She gestured across the waiting room, where only three ponies sat.
Twilight frowned. “Ok, I suppose we can wait. Come on, Pinkie, let’s take a seat.” Pinkie nodded, propped Fluttershy up, and sat down next to her. Twilight sat next to Fluttershy while Pinkie held Fluttershy in a deep embrace.
“It’ll be ok, Fluttershy. Auntie Pinkie will make it all better.”
Fluttershy glared at Pinkie. “Pinkie, I’m a yolder thoo.” Her eyes then widened in horror.
Pinkie looked at Fluttershy in confusion. “What’s a yolder thoo?”
“I think she was trying to say that she’s a year older than you.” Twilight remarked.
“Well, why didn’t she just say that?” Twilight facehooved as she shook her head.
Eventually, the other patients filed out and it was Fluttershy’s turn.
A purple earth pony with green eyes walked out. “Fluttershy?”
Fluttershy nodded. “Come on, Fluttershy,” Twilight said as she lifted Fluttershy onto her hooves, “it’s time to see the doctor.” Pinkie waved at them as they entered triage.
In triage, the purple nurse sat behind a desk and motioned Twilight and Fluttershy towards two chairs. Fluttershy and Twilight sat down. “Hello, I’m Nurse Sweetheart. What seems to be the problem today?”
Twilight facehooved. “I already told them at the front desk.”
Nurse Sweetheart shook her head. “It’s not like we have some kind of magical information database. Now what seems to be the problem?”
Twilight shook her head. “Well, Fluttershy here appears to be having a psychotic break.”
Nurse Sweetheart chuckled. “Now what makes you say that?”
“Well, from what Pinkie told me, it was triggered by an acute anxiety attack and she described signs of Clanging and Illogicality.” Twilight then sighed. “Whereupon I discovered her, I witnessed for myself Perseveration and Stilted Speech, and Neologisms in the waiting room. As you can see now, she’s suffering from Alogia.”
Nurse Sweetheart nodded and looked up. “Is that right, Fluttershy?”
Fluttershy looked up. “Well, uh...that is...to say, very...very, right.” She said nervously, then looked back down.
Nurse Sweetheart nodded. “Ok...well, I’m going to send you to the E.R., where Doctor Stable will be with you shortly.”
Fluttershy nodded uneasily and stood up, Twilight following her. They walked to the E.R., and noticing that all of the beds were empty, picked the one closest to the door. Fluttershy then looked up to Twilight and asked, “Wi Bokay?”
Twilight looked at Fluttershy confusedly, then nodded as a flash of realization flashed across her face. “Yes, Fluttershy, you’ll be ok.” and pulled Fluttershy into a tight embrace. Fluttershy started crying into Twilight’s shoulder.
Doctor Stable then walked in. “Hello, Fluttershy. What seems to be the problem?”
Twilight facehooved again.
“WellIwasinthemarketandthenItrippedandeveryponywaslaughingatme—” Fluttershy rushed out before Doctor Stable cut her off.
“Woah, woah, woah. One step at a time, Fluttershy.”
“Well everypony was laughing and, uh, Angel Bunny is so cute!” she said, tears streaming down her face.
Doctor Stable stared bemusedly at Fluttershy. “Well, she appears to be having a psychotic break.”
Twilight double facehooved. “That’s what I told everypony from the E.R all the way to here!”
Doctor Stable shook his head. “Well, it’s not like we have a magical database that tells us everything that’s going on!” He then walked out of the room, walking back in a few minutes later with a syringe. Fluttershy cringed.
“Now, now, there’s nothing to fear. This’ll just make the confusion go away.” He then proceeded to inject Fluttershy with the solution, Fluttershy hissing as the needle went in.
“She should be better in about three...two...one!”
Fluttershy proceeded to blush a shade of crimson.
“Feeling better, Fluttershy?”
Fluttershy nodded. “Yes, Doctor Stable. Thank you.”
Doctor Stable took a few notes. “Now can you tell me of any other instances where this has happened?”
Fluttershy nodded. “Well, there was this one time when we had to prepare for the big waterspout, and I thought everypony was laughing at me. It was like they were laughing in slow motion!” Doctor Stable nodded, taking more notes. “And recently, when I was outed as Big Mac’s voice, I saw big theater masks laughing at me!” She then curled up into a ball. “It was so scary!”
Doctor Stable nodded. “Uh huh.” He then scribbled something on a prescription pad and handed it to Fluttershy. “What you’re experiencing is known as schizophrenia. Normally, I’d write it off as ‘Ponyville’, but your history seems to hint at an underlying disorder. I want you to take this medication every day.”
Fluttershy examined the prescription. “Thorazine?”
Twilight butted in with, “It’s an antipsychotic—”
Fluttershy hushed her. “I know what Thorazine is...but isn’t this for crazy ponies?”
Doctor Stable hung his head low. “The media does tend to sign an unfair label on the mentally ill, but you’re not crazy. You’re just sick, and this medicine will help you get better.”
Fluttershy nodded uneasily.”O...ok, Doctor Stable. Whatever you say.”
Doctor Stable nodded. “Good! Now get on out of here! It’s a bright, sunny day outside! Don’t want to miss that now, do you?”
Fluttershy smiled. “I guess not. Come on, Twilight!” Fluttershy said as she hopped off the table. “It’s a beautiful day outside, and I have shopping to do!”
Twilight nodded and followed Fluttershy out.
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I like where this is going
What
4012804 What do you mean by what?
4012810
Your story is disjointed and difficult to read. Have you been taking your thorazine lately?
4012839 Well that seemed a little unnecessary. And what exactly makes it difficult to read?
4012850
1. Psychosis doesn't work like this.
2. Neither does medication.
3. Neither do hospitals.
4. Your story takes place in a single scene, which makes it feel not just poorly paced but impossible to follow as well.
5. You used 1400 words to tell a story that should have taken at least 6,000 words, preferably more.
6. You tell almost everything and show almost nothing.
7. I literally couldn't tell if this was a comedy or not. I would have assumed so if it didn't have the Dark tag. It has no identifiably appropriate atmosphere at all.
Interesting. I like this story.
More!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4012890 1.Actually, a psychotic break works exactly like that.
2. Injected medication works exactly like that.
3. My mom woks in an ER. They work exactly like that.
4. I don't have an answer for that.
5. I don't have an answer for that either.
6. Ok, I can see that.
7. This is exactly what would happen in real life.
4012908
Haha. Whatever you say, tiger.
4012921 images6.fanpop.com/image/photos/32400000/Fluttershy-Haters-gonna-Hate-my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-32416374-421-371.gif
4012943
Yep
'Specially if you write off constructive criticism and act like a petulant baby because you don't want to admit you, like all authors ever, need improvement. How old are ya, sport? Like, 12? You should be telling strangers on Facebook about the minute details of your day, not... this.
4012964 No, I responded to your constructive criticism quite succinctly. What I'm writing off if the overbearing condescending tone that you choose to push it in.
4012977
Gotcha, champ.
You shouldn't italicize dialogue, traditionally italicized quotes are used to designate thought not speech, which makes reading this a little confusing. I liked the idea though I do agree that it could use some more fleshing out. Also is Dr. Stable meant to be a House reference...no judgement just curious
4012890
4012908
A psychotic break is defined as a point in time where someone has a period of acute primary psychosis, where they suffer psychotic symptoms for a period of time.
Author, you have the symptoms right. In Fluttershy's break, she suffered from the delusion of believing she was a head of lettuce. The symptoms are okay. Debatable, but medically confirmed to be normal. The psychoactive drug takes effect very, very fast, however, taking seconds. The other problem is with the prescription chlorpromazine (the Thorazine). Thorazine is prescribed for people suffering from actual psychosis; a psychotic break does not mean psychosis. Many war veterans have psychotic breaks, but they're not psychotic. There's no way in hell the doctor could know if Fluttershy had actual psychosis with what he knew, and thus would not prescribe any medication at all. If anything, he'd have he stay in the hospital until psychological tests could be performed. Chlorpromazine would not be prescribed that fast, as it's a very dangerous drug (side effects include seizures, blackouts, tremors, and the likes).
The other huge problem lies in the story itself. The pace is way too fast. You do a lot of telling instead of showing. There are also a plethora of grammatical issues (most notably, you don't put a space after the ellipses). Author, I would recommend three things to you: more thorough research, an editor, and a pre-reader.
4013006 I used the italicized dialogue to highlight Fluttershy's separation from reality, although I see how it would be confusing.
And no, I searched for fifteen minutes on MLP wikia for the name of the doctor who treated Rainbow Dash in Read it and Weep.
This isn't really in my tastes, but I couldn't live with myself without saying this:
You could have had a nice pun in the title with "Shychotic".
4013015 BRILLIANT! I want to do a one shot just so I can steal that idea
4013011 I could see the issues you have with it. I'm not very good at showing. And you'll notice I didn't name the drug they injected her with for that very reason. Plus, I just couldn't see them letting poor Fluttershy suffer like that.
But, you're right. They normally would do testing in that situation, although this being a small town, I think that Doctor Stable's word is as good as she's going to get.
4013014 ah, I wonder if they meant it as a House reference, or maybe I just like House.
4013015 DAMN IT!
4013039
They didn't even bother to get a patient history, from what I can tell.
4013056
It's not too late to change it if you want to. Go to your stories tab in the menu bar and you can edit the title.
4013014 I like this story and I always knew that Fluttershy had some mental disorder that was not normal to see that giant severed floating heads with the spotlight eyes laughing at her when she was discovered as Big Mac's voice and that other time with the those eyeballs in the Hurricane Fluttershy episode
4013056
Yet again another great fan fiction, besides what's already said I think the main thing this fiction suffers from (besides psychosis of course) is it's pace, at times I felt as though the story was going too fast to keep up with. But overall I really liked the story
*slides Fluttershy a fully-loaded Glock 17*
You do.....whatever it is you need to do.
I was half expecting her to say: "S-stay the hay out of my shed!"
Yes,for crazy ponies...
Rather anticlimactic,but still nice.
This story was very sobering after reading your fic about Twilight getting high and all of that wonderful insanity... Though the style does not do well here as it did with the comedy. There's almost a humorous undertone to this and that makes me really sad. I understand that you were trying your hand at a serious topic here, though it needs far more detail and emotion. This was just stale and on the surface. I'm sorry, but I'm gonna leave a dislike here. That's not against you as a writer, just this fic. There should probably be a sad tag to this as well. *Sighs* Seriously the biggest issue I believe is the pacing.
Though it was odd for the doctor to just give her a drug like that and stamp her with that label. It takes a LOT of testing for them to conclude this sort of thing. I am actually a little insulted by this story as well because my brother is schizoaffective. I understand the message that these individuals are as average as you and me, but the execution was done poorly here in my opinion.
Thank you for trying to write this and I applaud you for it. Serious topics like these are difficult and can be emotionally hard on an author, especially for researching purposes. You have a goodnight sir.
Quaver Ava
4084987 Thank you for the review. I will take what you said into consideration. For the doctor, however, I was sort of going for a 1950's vibe, where they did slap it on people after the advent of thorazine. I do understand that I have an issue with telling instead of showing, and am trying to work on that.
Again, thank you for your honest review of my story. I really do appreciate it.
4085010 You're welcome. I feel a little sad about having to give you that dislike though. You're writing is coming along rather well. What really helped me nail emotions down was working on a fic about a mute child and her dead mother. There were no words, mostly descriptions and thoughts. Try this sort of writing on for size and see if you enjoy it or not. It will help you tremendously. Also, there ain't any shame in asking for some help and pointers from a trusted friend.
4085020 Thank you. I will take your advice into consideration. No worries about the dislike. I tend to attract them.
It took me reading Quaver Ava's comment (and checking the tags) to realize what was wrong with this story. I was trying to figure out why it wasn't funny. It's not supposed to be.
They say comedy is just tragedy with better timing. This story demonstrates that perfectly. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't take it seriously enough for it to be sad. The biggest problem, as I see it, is that there's simply a deluge of information flying at me as I read this; not only am I being told things, rather than shown them, I'm being told them at the rate of a professor that simply reads notes, and flies through everything without stopping. If this story was at least three times the length it is now, and the revelations that Fluttershy's breaking down spaced out, with some time to take everything in, it would be better. If things weren't explained so plainly to the reader, it would be better. If the hospital staff didn't make what appeared to be jokes about their lack of a 'magical system', it would be better. (Also, depending on where you are, they probably will note what you said, then take it with a grain of salt. It's the same with doctors, mechanics, even computer-repair-people.)
As I read through the other comments on this story, the parasprite's stuck out to me the most. Everything they said about writing, is something you should pay heed to. Everything about how hospitals work, or psychotic breaks, maybe less so (though I'd recommend trying to research them some, and there are obviously different manifestations.)
All in all, you won't get a like on this, but I don't dislike it either, you just need some work, and it looks like some better writers than me have given some pretty good advice for it. You should listen to them, but keep in mind you're ultimately responsible for your own betterment, so keep working at it. I'll keep an eye out for your future works, for sure.
Thanks for reading my ramblings here. Mobile commenting isn't very conducive to a well put-together comment, so I hope it turns out well enough.
4234338 Thank you for your constructive comment, I will take it into consideration when writing stories in the future.
And this isn't an automated response. I really will. I just had an idea and had to regurgitate it out. In the future, I'll probably take my time when writing something like this.
Yeah, Fluttershy has some serious issues. I mean, just look at how she views vampire fruit bats. It's like a whole different world in her mind.
And I thought that Fluttershy was just a little bit crazy in season one.
4085010
That would possibly make for an interesting followup. Perhaps a dark fic in which a panel of ethics is convened in Equestria to discuss the overuse of drugs and medical procedures without knowing the short and long term effects. This investigation could be prompted after Fluttershy has a massive seizure, and her friends demand answers.
You can has review!