The story takes place in a not so far away place just on the out reach of town far away from the big city buzz but not that far where you wont hear the big city buzz from time to time, it was a peaceful place where everypony knew everypony and looked out for one another, everything seemed to be perfect , but just not for one pony and on his 16th birthday things go from bad to worse in his mind. After being named the next watcher of the town Dawn see's the world closing in on him where he feels that his life is being controlled for him but he dose not want that and will do anything to mix it up, Dawn has bigger dreams to see the world not watch some old town. What will Dawn do ?
Chapters (15)
Good start to an interesting story, just be sure to reread and fix typos more in the future, besides the typos i think its a good start :
355471 will do my friend
This is good, once again there are a few typos, but definitely better than chapter one. Can't wait to see what happens next so please update soon!
The writing style of this story is brilliant. It inspired me to whip up this paragraph to describe it.
"Imagine the frame of an automobile, a gorgeous automobile, gleaming naked silver. This body is not in a factory, the curves are too exotic for mass production. The chassis lay off to one side, the engine a suspended aluminum block. The car doesn't even have wheels attached, but that's irrelevant. In its shape alone emanates imagination, potential for greatness.
You find yourself on the race track, gripping the wheel, hearing the tires wail and smell the molten rubber. As you take the first turn, gravitational forces flutter your stomach, and you feel an unmistakable excitement. Suddenly your back again, staring at that shining metal frame, and you thrill a little."
Basically what I'm trying to convey- the story has a grammatical issue here and there, but that's irrelevant, because the tales imagination stands on its own. Needless to say, I'm a fan.
Thank you for sharing
360059 Please forgive me for the grammatical error's I am going back and editing the both chapter's to try and catch those
and what did you think of chapter 2 any ideas where i could go next I like getting insight from others
"Delicious Mane"
I understand that the high class inhabitants of Canterlot found Dawn's "mischievous nature" appalling, but considering the rarity
of Alicorns (and the prestige of being princess Luna's apprentice), you'd imagine anything he did would be considered "trendy". I don't know, Im probably just over thinking things...
Another great chapter though
363405i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/006/088/trollestia.png
Thank you did u like this one aswell and any tips i can do for ch4
I really like this, nice job dude :) keep the chapters comin!
Talk about a dramatic antagonist, can't wait for his/her unveiling.
Twilight and Dawn? -Someone cue the Marvin Gaye
372097 Lol you crazy my friend
I like this more and more with every chapter! You kept the typos to a minimum in this chapter which is also awesome. Oh and ur drawings of Dawn are sick, you got some real talent there. Keep the chapters comin!
nice job dude, keep the good work comin! this has few typos and is quite epic. Also, i got back from vacation so message me on skype whenever
390638 cool i will be on ps3 for a bit but message me on skype i will have my ipod so i can get messages and stuff
"Check a few more z's"- Possibly the cheesiest line in existence- and caused me to blurt out laughing
Ms. Cheerliee makes a cameo, and if that wasn't awesome enough, she's hilarious
The "tapping scene" resonated with me as well (no pun intended...well, maybe slightly intended
)
I enjoyed the extended interaction in this chapter. Its a refreshing deviation from Dawn's introspection, and a glimpse of how other characters view him.
398424 I was trying to go for somethig where you are looking from a different pony other than Dawn the whole time, but still try and keep it around him but i was not sure how that would really work out, but in ch8 I was going to try this a bit more since Dawn will be knocked out for a bit.
Yeah i agree with pretty much everything back door mare said, check a few more z's was pretty funny. I like laughed a little bit and people around me in the computer lab at school gave me strange looks lol. I like the adding of Sweetie Belle and Cheerilee, it added a fun new perspective to the story. Overall this was probably the funniest chapter I have to say, keep up the good work!
399221 Hahaha that's good to hear at that means i'm doing something right
thank you both
I always find your introductions relaxing. The crazy direction this chapter takes was ridiculous, but remained amusing throughout.
During the Twilight segment, a bit of advice came to mind- "Rather than telling your readers, show them."
I hope you don't misinterpret my constructive criticism...cause I'd hate to sound like a condescending d-bag.
Anyway, Grats on the chapter
Oh, and about that "name the chapter" blog, Im sorry for not responding. All my suggestions sounded like bad puns, so I tossed them.
406022 No i like advice it helps me get better,and i take into account every word so i can make things better.
and its ok bout the ch name blog any name would have worked bad puns in all
ha ha sweetie belle is such a prankster i lolled at that, and so like dawn was just sitting there unconscious in the classroom while the class was going? lol very interesting
410047 did you like how i did ch8 any tips u can give
Yeah I have a couple tips, there's still a few typos, and even though it was funny the sweetie belle flashlight thing was kinda random and out of the blue, you should elaborate a little more on stuff like that, like where sweetie belle got the flashlight and stuff. btw have fun in disney world
412072 all tips are welcome and I will try not to making things like that pop out of the blue next time . And I'm still in Florida I will be back home in a few days or than likely Sunday I think but you never know , so how you doing dude
I'm great, I wasn't home like all day yesterday that's why i didn't answer your skype messages, I accidentally just left it on all day. I should be able to talk to today if thats possible for you, or Sunday when you get back, whatever works for you dude.
421473 I was able to get ch9 out and if you get on skype my friend wanted to add u as well
can't wait to see what happens next!
Yes, Just yes
i.imgur.com/EVYTm.jpg
452316 ^_^ u like it
445856 almost done
452316 and that pic its from parapper the rapper right lol
can't wait to see what happens next!
455992 it will be up Monday
And up everypony
how is everyone doing
I'm doing great, and this is the best chapter yet keep up the good work
471400 Awe cool did u like this one and
im so sorry for how long this one took to get up
of course i like it and its cool dude, it was a long chapter, probably took a while to write.
473897 yah took a lil long than a few other ones but im glad you liked it bro
K that sounds awesome, I'm looking forward to talking to you again on skype sometimes soon, I was at a season finale party up in milwaukee today and it was pretty epic, what did you think of it?
480471 Cool did you go to the party and the final ep was epic dude
almost done with ch11 2000words already
Nice job dude, another solid chapter
536891 D: long time no speak
yeah lets talk on skype soon
547691 sure wanna talk Sunday.. wait today is sunday when ever your up or online
I love how you can handle the responsibility of the absurd amount of characters.
out of 5
612168 I'm not even sure how I was able to add so many of them D:
Yeah. Isn't the limit like, 10?
You, sir (or girl?) are mysterious...
614100 Heheh the limit is 5
Sir is who I am what bout yourself?
614249...insert head explosion plz from DeviantART.
My suffix is sir (well, Mr, I guess) too
615508 Sorry for replying so late I was out most of the
day. Oh are a Sir as well that's cool and on another note fav pony?
Rather than take up a bunch of space on your page, why don't you shoot me a message on Skype. You can ask me all the questions you want there. xD
Oh, and it's:
****M4N3 6: Twilight
****Secondary: Scootaloo
****Background: Lyra
****Villain: Chrysalis
~Crepuscularity (Skype name)