Ch.13 5 Years Later
5 Years Later
Nyx raised Koriander and graduated high school. During those years she decided to marry her coltfriend Nightwing. Nightwing agrees to be Kori's father and they lived a happy family. Today, Kori was getting ready for the first day of school.
"Mom, do I really have to go to school?", asked Kori
"Yes sweetie, your education is really important", explained Nyx
"But Im scared", explained Nyx
"I know sweetie, but you'll make a bunch of new friends", explained Nightwing
"Promise?", asked Nyx
"Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye", said Nightwing
"Ok, lets go", said Kori
All three of them flew to the Ponyville school and they were greeted by Cheerilee.
"Ok Kori we have to go", said Nyx
"Can't you stay a little longer?", asked Kori
"We wish, but we can't", said Nightwing
"Ok", said Kori putting her head down
"Hey, cheer up. We'll be here to pick you up after school. Then we'll go to Sugarcube Corner", assured Nightwing
"YAY", cheered Kori
Then the belle rang.
"Well I better go", said Kori
"Bye Kori, we love you", said Nyx hugging her
"Bye Mom, Bye Daddy, love you too", said Kori walking away
"They grow up so fast", said Nyx
"I know, right?", said Nightwing
THE END
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yay they got married and i will be look forward to your next story that you write
are you going to make a sequel to this story
Nyx is worst pony (And OC, but that's a different contest with different qualifications).
BTW, this story is rather sub-par.
rushed, bland and predictable... you just killed a sweet little filly known as Nyx and put a cheap replacement
Hey everybody SHUT THE HAY UP!!! >: (
3728037 did i do something wrong that i have to shut the hay up for
3728047 You didn't do anything. It's the people who hate my stories. Your actually one of the only people who like them.
3728059 ok and yeah i am
Sorry everybody, I just can't take bad judgement. :(
3728068 i forgive you and ok
Yay, happy ending!
I DON'T LIKE THE ENDING!
WHY COULDN'T NYX KILL SHADY WITH THE FORCE!?!
....Use the darkness, young Nyx...
3728228 Not everything is about revenge.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
3728682 Relax i have a new story coming called Sibling Trouble.
3728861 yay! :D
I liked it.
so... this book came after MLP EG?
The idea is good but the abundance of language and grammar mistakes ruin it. Also the chapters are too brief and not detailed enough.
I love this story
3903540 Thanks your too kind
Bravo
3938013 Im glad u like the story
3941430 No…too much work
3728315 yes it is! Atleast in my world of imaagination
4079799 Shut up they're my stories, I'll do what I want with them
Grammar and spelling issues here and there but other than that, Great story!
4154672 Thank you
3728068 If you can't take bad judgement then you shouldn't put your work out for people to see and be criticized. Either that or just acknowledge that people can have their own opinions on things which doesn't warrant yelling at them.
4081078 Chill down everyone can have their own opinions freedom of speech ya know?
4338665 QUIT PRESSURING ME WOMEN...OR MAN
3971667 it could be you're too
Meh. Good, but there were too many mistakes. If you want, I'll work to correct it. But if you don't, I understand. I don't like being corrected, either.
eh. I'm nice, so I'll give you a thumbs up for it. Seriously though, you need an editor. Twilight would not be impressed.
4338924
Okay... That was interesting. The story does have potential. But there was a decent amount of grammar errors. I think that you made it way to strait forward. In one of the chapters it was "So they..." over and over again. You need to 'spice' it up a bit. Add a bit more creativity. But overall, it was a fairly decent story. :)
First off, you don't become pregnant overnight. Second, a pony pregnancy lasts 11 months. Third, it wasn't even likely that the pregnancy would even go through. At her age, it is extremely likely that she would have a miscarriage, or even possibly die in childbirth. Her body isn't fit for pregnancy. There is no way she could so easily and painlessly pull through through it all.
4587844 actually their is a chance she wouldn't
Well, I liked the idea of this story but I had to give it a thumbs down. It had a lot of potential for drama but the whole thing felt rushed.
Chapter 1, Nyx has no coltfriend BOOM now she has one. Chapter 2, they're dating and have their first time together BOOM Nyx is pregnant. Nyx is coping with the news BOOM coltfriend dumps her.
I just skipped to the end after that and learned that there's a love interest named Nightwing and checked the story to find he comes out fairly late in the story and just becomes Nyx's coltfriend for hardly any more reason that Shady from the beginning.
This story just had poor pacing.
I hope you consider doing a rewrite and give it a chance to flow and develop more naturally. Maybe bring Nightwing in sooner and have them interact more and slowly fall in love. Good luck in future stories.
Reading this story was akin to riding an amusement park ride while on acid. It was poorly researched, way too short, horribly paced, no one acted in character and it was absolutely riddled with grammatical errors.
A story like this should be a lot longer than 9,000 words. It's also disturbing to me that there are 13 chapters and only around 9,000 words, because that means that each chapter is less than 1,000 words, which means that by the time I've actually started getting into the chapter, it's over.
I regularly read single chapters that were longer than this entire story, which can sometimes be a good thing, but definitely not here.
It had a fascinating concept but it was bordering on unreadable.
"But Im scared", explained Nyx
Correction:"But I'm scared", explained Kori
After I read your work ,I thought about this:' If this is a composition in China's English exam,maybe you'll get a full mark.'明
I......what? I am so lost with this.
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT JUST HAPPENED SOOOOOOOOOOOO MANY TWISTS AND TURNS and BTW Shady Gaze is a total jacka** not even willing to be there for Nyx, it I was there when she told him that she was with foal I would give him a piece of my mind.
Good story I think. Spread a bit thin but hey you do you.