Rainbow Dash is helping Pinkie Pie set up a surprise party when they accidentally lock themselves in the wine cellar. Left alone, will Dash finally express her feelings for the Earth Pony?
My first attempt at a ship-fic, obviously a Rainbow Pie one.
Cover Image by MuhMuhMuhlmDead on deviantArt
Apologies to Liquid_Rainbows, author of the original "A Dash Of Pink" story. I didn't know that one existed until after this one was submitted. (Thanks to a commentor)
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I dunno, but something tells me I've already read this before...
Same premise... same title... what is going on?
316150 What? There's another? I MUST FIND IT! AND SLAY THE AUTHOR!
316150 So there is another. I MUST READ IT! Here's the link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/6327/A-Dash-of-Pink (I almost used the same cover art too...)
316167 THAT'S THE ONE!
316175 It's not the same premise... Just the same title.
316186 Premise =/= Plot.
"RD has troubles talking to Pinks about luv."
316193 Oh, yeah.
I'm an idiot.
You wanna a review? Here it is.
The concept behind the story is a cute one. Not original no, but still very cute, and I enjoyed the ride that I was on while I read it. That said, the story needed a lot of filling out. The story felt rushed, never really stopping to do more than get to the next point. Let the story slow a little, smell the flowers per say. Let the tension build, and don't just THROW stuff at us. Saying Mrs. Cake is a homophobic pony is fine, but throwing it at us like you did in the story made if feel... choppy? Not sure if that's the right word, but you get what I mean. Same thing with Lyra and Bon-Bon. Would've been better if you mentioned the two earlier, and maybe also included a greater internal struggle with Pinkie, revealing that Mrs. Cake was the reason why she was struggling with the situation.
Grammar had issues, but I never had any problems reading the story, and I didn't have to stop to reread anything, so it was acceptable enough. Only MINOR issue with grammar that was reoccurring was you put a period after a talking segment ("Like this." said ugugg93). Its supposed to be a comma ("Like this," said ugugg93).
The biggest problem that I had was the ending. Very very VERY rushed, and it really didn't close the story very well. It just said, "Eh, Mrs. Cake isn't as bad about it as we though, and look at all the shipping!!!". Make a resolution. Give a more detailed explanation on what's going on (are the Cakes accepting Pinkie back? What do they think about the rest of the Mane 6?).
Also, this isn't a problem, but I find that putting an extra space in between paragraphs makes stories on this site much easier to read. All personal preference, but a think its a thought shared by a lot on this site...
Anyways, Hope this helps you in your future endeavors!
316233 Thanks! i'm known for rushing stories, though, so that might be part of the reason. Started it this morning...
I must say. I really like the plot of this story, even though it is used before.
Your idea have the potential to become really good, but I feel you rush the story way more than you should.
Try to slow down a bit and descripe things a lot more
But I defently support your idea.
gunna sound like everyone else here, but this was a good story that went about five times faster then it should have.
also, it should have been 'she's an extreme homophobe' or 'she's extremely homophobic' rather then 'she's and extreme homophobic'
still, a good premise, and not badly written, just way, way, way to fast
316358 That was due to Firefox not recognizing "homophobe" as a word. Oh, look, neither does chrome.
Short but interesting
Was good, but Way to short. I wouldn't mind a rewrite with way more story. But, whatever.
Wait, wait, wait. So your telling me that
, 
, and 
?!?!? I have no words to describe how awkward I feel right now.
317446
why? They're all fantastic ships
317457 it was just unexpected is all.
317594
fair enough. The Derpy/Twilight explanation was funny, though
I read this without even knowing that it was you!
(I hadn't written the story yet, so yeah.)
Loved it!
Just reread this. Sooooo meany spelling/grammar errors.
i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/006/482/template.jpg
cute! love the idea, but, it kind of went fast. i know it is a short story, but a little too short for a short story.
still very good anyway!
786019
Yes, 40,000 collective views... And degrading quality. It gets worse as it goes. I'm following it. I know.
I like how RD and Pinkie Pie half broke the fourth wall in this.
I'm going to try not to repeat anything anyone else said, to save time. Ugugg93 hit the nail on the head, though, which is basically the reason for my laziness.
I liked all the shipping, except for Spike/Rarity. I would say that's just personal preference....but come on, Spike's like...around 12, and you put the mane six at mid to late 20's. So, very inappropriate.
You already know it's rushed with chunks missing from it that could have been filled out, so I'll just say that the three-month expanse of time is really dissappointed. It's great that you established a relationship early in the story rather than making it the story finale, but that can't really be enjoyed when we don't get to see the progress of the relationship.
....I'm automatically giving you points for a lack of saliva-bridge kissing, just because I've been seeing that in several stories today in a row that weren't clop >_< ...so there's that.
Derpy/Light is an awesome pairing. One of my favorites. Glad it was mentioned. Personal preference, but whatever.
Great First Attempted For A Rainbow Pie (Or Pinkie Dash) And That Smoothie Bit Just Like My Profile Pic!