• Member Since 11th May, 2012
  • offline last seen April 28th

NovaForce2157


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With a whole day off, Rainbow Dash has nothing to do. The only pony that doesn't seem to be busy is Pinkie Pie, who doesn't seem to be herself. The two decide to bake cupcakes together, but something else rises as well...

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 20 )

:applecry: that's sooo cute...:heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:

Awesome. Great one-shot!

845852 Hmmm... yes, quite. :moustache:

"The two decide to bake cupcakes together, but something else rises as well..."

Oh. My. God. This is a futa clopfic, isn't it?

Ctrl + f, "Hand"

846323 :rainbowlaugh: No, just horrible at descriptions. I meant their feelings for each other.

846590 Oops, thank you. It's fixed now.

I wanted to start off by saying that I enjoyed the opening you had put together, it introduced the scene and setting very nicely without being overly descriptive or embellished in such a way that detracted from the story. I also would like to say that I was incredibly enthused by the handling of reflection Pinkie. I was absolutely enthralling and simply well done, the voices of both sounded just right and I could really see Pinkie talking to herself that way. I found it both engaging and sympathetic and I would like to applaud you for that.

However outside that, I had a lot of issues with the voicing here. Pinkie's third line nearly made me recoil with how macabre it was. If it was meant to show her state of mind, than it reads angry rather than depressed, even though it feels like it is in the rhythm of something Pinkie would say normally. Moving fast from one thought to the next is great, and the references to our movies are fun, but we're killing giant snakes and jabberwockies and cutting off hands and that seems a little darker than happy Pinkie would go.

Also, from the start, we're painted a picture of Rainbow thinking of Pinkie as just a friend. The way Rainbow sets up her plans and goes through her list of friends doesn't show a hint of second guessing herself or that she has any feelings towards Pinkie, which is fine. However, within moments of being in the kitchen with Pinkie, Rainbow manages to flip a switch and is not only crushing hard on Pinkie, but accepts it enough to say she's crushing on somepony. I had to reread the section just to make sure that I hadn't missed a transition in Rainbow's thoughts. Having her heart jump at her nickname was nice, and even dismissing it makes a lot sense of her in the character you've outlined, but the change in her mindset is so sudden and such a reversal of her tone that she stopped seeming reasonable. The voicing ends up being inconsistent, so at times it seems complete and coherent, and at other it seems contradictory.

Speaking of sequencing, the fall confused me greatly. I had read the third section that Rainbow was going to tell her tomorrow or some such thing, I didn't really have an indication Rainbow had left her cloud home. The next thing we see, Rainbow is at the edge of town, apparently watching Sugarcube Corner and seeing Pinkie fall. She then is able to react and speed over towards Pinkie, however she says she's too late. Except she's...not? We aren't given an indication whether Pinkie hits the ground and is fine, or if Rainbow catches her and the entire final scene is happening at high speed with all the issues that entails. Really, there's simply nothing about what happens, just that Rainbow is looking into her eyes. And then, somehow Mr. Cake walks in and padlocks a window, suggesting they are inside. The whole sequence doesn't fit together well without some description of what's happening. The dialogue works fine; even though Pinkie's "we shouldn't be sad" line feels a little stilted, it works with her character and the emotional outpouring of the scene and goes very well. I simply couldn't picture what was happening because none of the images fit together.

Again, there are some great sections in all of this, the dialogue was especially well done for the most part. And the mirror work was spectacular, absolutely spectacular. There were just a few things that broke my suspension of disbelief and took me out of the world.

Anyways, I hope you find some of this helpful, and I'll probably check back in to see some of the other things you've done.

-Duskrider

A really touching story for its lenght, i love the PinkeDash parring, but i most admit i didn't like the suicide thoughts on Pinkies part, maybe if it had been longer and we had spent more time with her and her emotions it would make more sense but it came rather sudden.

So much fucking d'awwww!

suicide attempt fic? not my thing... i always thought romeo and juliet was a really fucking stupid story -_- but i liked the start of it, if that is of any consolation?

866415 I have to agree with you. The difference here (and I tried to stress this because I thought Romeo and Juliet was pretty bad) is that Pinkie Pie is legitimately depressed. Romeo and Juliet both tried or threatened to kill themselves multiple times because they're extremely stupid kids :facehoof:. Thanks for the praise on the beginning, though! :pinkiehappy:

868060 hehe, i dunno why... it just doesn't swing for me without something more going on... like i read a story about someone being depressed over having such a broken body that every single day was nothing but misery and someone like that? i can understand why such a person would want to commit suicide but like said yourself regarding "Romeo and Juliet" are that they are just pretty fucking dumb... which i also felt that pinkie pie was in this (at least later on), i tell no lies... i thought the start of it was pretty/really good but when pinkie got sorta emo over a crush? then the story just screamed in my face that i needed to hate it because it reminds me of that stupid shitty story of "Romeo and Juliet" which i really fucking hate! >_< but nonetheless, best of luck with your future stories, just... no more suicidal ponies, k? :P

I felt scared once she mentioned cupcakes....

:pinkiecrazy:

5594349 This is the prequel ;)

YAAAAAAAAY HOW IS IT EVEN SAD :rainbowkiss:

When I Read The Title I Thought It Was A Grim Dark Story Just Like The Infamous (Cupcakes) And (Rainbow Factory) But I Was Delighted It Was Just A Shipping Fic :D

5671385
Its Sad Because Pinkie Almost Commited Suicide And You Question How Its Sad?

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