Recollections
Recollections:
Princess Luna sat alone in her study. It was the same study, with the same cantankerous old grandfather clock, in the same castle, in the same city, attached to the same mountain that, a thousand years ago today, her deceased husband had proposed to her in.
She could still remember that day as clearly as if it were yesterday. Gizmo had been acting strangely for a while, avoiding her inquiries about his behavior with skill rivaled only by the most primitive of primates. Every time she asked him, he'd say nothing was wrong. She had almost been worried, but her stallion was a unique one, so, for that night at least, she would give him the benefit of the doubt.
They had a date planned for that night to a Sapphire Shores concert. She would, of course, disguise herself so as not to garner unwanted attention. They attended the performance, sang along, danced and made merry just as many of the other couples had. It was a good time, and it would only get better.
In the early hours of the morning, Gizmo accompanied her back to her study, and, after a quick peck on the lips and a loving “Good night,” she had been surprised when he asked her if he could, for a moment, come in. She allowed it, of course, and, with a slight tremble in his step, he entered.
He fidgeted for a moment before her, opening his mouth. “Luna, I...” He stopped. “I...” He averted his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. “Luna, w-would-”
Luna put a hoof to his lips. She was reminded of a certain scene from nearly three years before. “Gizmo, speak. I shall not bite.”
Her touch, as always, seemed to shock his brain into coherence. “Luna... I... I love you. I love you so much.” She smiled, giving him a light nuzzle, which he tenderly returned. “I've realized over the past few years that I don't want to live without you. I don't want to spend another lonely night away from you.” Her heart swelled. “What I mean to say is...” He dug around in his ever-present saddlebag, finally emerging with a small, velvet covered box clenched in his teeth. He set it on the floor, looking at her with a faint smile upon his lips. “Princess Luna, will you marry me?”
A tear leaked from her eye, and one from his as well. “I would be happy to accept, my dear, wonderful Gizmo.”
She sighed at the memory, feeling very, very old. Despite the millennium that had passed, her physical appearance had changed little, though her mind was becoming more ancient by the day.
Fittingly, the ring which Gizmo had purchased for her was adorned with a moonstone. This had spawned her most famous creation. Every year, on the anniversary of their engagement, the moon was surrounded by four stars, forming a stellar ring with the moon as the crowning jewel. The stars had been the ones to keep her imprisoned for a thousand years, but now they were testament to much, much more. She gazed out over the balcony of her study, smiling at her night sky. Tonight was such a night, and the constellation shone brighter than it ever had before.
She was glad that she had accepted his offer for a first date. It had given her pause, at first, the offer of courtship from a pony of such lower rank. In the end, though, she had decided that, because he had been nothing but sweet to her for all the time she had known him, she would accept.
Ding!
She was startled out of her revere by the sharp sound of a small bell. She looked around her study, searching for the source of the noise. It took her a few minutes of looking, but she finally took notice of the small, gilded orrery resting on her desk in the same place it had been since she had first received it. A small access hatch, completely invisible when closed, had opened on its side. Her eyebrows creased as she leaned in for a closer look. There was a small bit of yellowed paper folded up and wedged inside a little compartment in the hatch.
She removed the paper, carefully unfolding it.
Dear Princess Luna,
First let me say, I have no idea how things went between us. If you're reading this, it's probably been over nine hundred years since I died. Perhaps we didn't work out, perhaps we did. Perhaps we married and lived happily for years. All I know is that I will not let our relationship go without a fight. I love you too much.
Whatever the case, I've built this orrery to open when the gem runs out of power, which, since you're reading this, probably just happened. Just in case you say no to my date, just in case we don't work out, just in case I'm not worthy of you, I just wanted you to know: I have, do, and probably always will love you.
Yours, even in death,
Gizmo
A tear, soon followed by many others, rolled down Luna's cheek, sparkling in the dim light of her study. "I love you too, my beloved Gizmo." She gingerly refolded the paper, placing it back inside the hatch. Lighting her horn, she re-enchanted the gem, putting enough power into it to ensure its functionality for yet another millennium.
"I shall always love you, my beloved pony."
The End
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Not gonna lie, that was pretty cute. Fitting choice of Princess too. Since everypony knows that Luna is clearly best Princess.
A few minor mistakes (mainly missing a word), but I think I saw like 2 or 3, so it's not that big of a deal. Good pacing and flow, though the part in the first chapter where he's at work thinking "this is boring" kinda seemed out of place to me.
Good one. The styling was nice, the grammar sound, and the characters endearing. The idea of an orrery was really cute, especially considering this is Luna it interacts with.
Really good, friend, best wishes for your next works.
Pony on.
3398190
If you can remember, even vaguely, where those missing words were, please let me know. I've combed this thing so many times and I can't find them—it's starting to drive me insane.
3398194
Huge thanks, man! I'm not sure exactly what I'll write next, but I've got a few ideas...
3398190
Luna? The best princess?!?
Sure you are mistaken!
For everyone know it is I!
*Puts on a wig and tiara*
Princess Soft Shell,
Who is the best prettiest and most lovable guy in equestria!!
3398282
"Guy"...
Princess?
Sure, buddy. Keep dreaming.
3398242
"The box was a black diamond..." I think it should start with "in" or something like that. Had me wondering for a moment about the nature of the diamond at first. I was thinking it was a box-shaped hunk of black diamond. And in the second chapter, I forget where, but you're missing an "a" to bring 2 words together.
3398301
Awesome, I'll check it out. Fittingly enough, those were the places I did the final edits in, so I can easily see how that happened.
3398301
Can't find the other one. Oh well. Someone'll see it at some point, hopefully.
3398311
It's funnily annoying how that seems to work. The areas you spend the most time going over with a fine-toothed comb tend to be the areas you miss something. Stupid writing being all complicated and stuff.
Also, I freaking love your display pic.
And perhaps it was in the first chapter. just reread the second one and I can't find where I thought I saw it again. I dunno. It could just be my brain going "fuck this, sleep already!"
Why was this story down for a while?
3398797
a) Because I changed the view from third to first person.
b) Because I changed the ending.
Basically, reread it. Also, if you favorited it before, you'll have to favorite it again, as I deleted the old version and recreated it. Same goes for likes.
....Oh my God....
I actually gave a gasp (complete with mouth-covering) after I read the note, proceeded by an immediate excretion of liquid pride.
The tears are welcome, however, and well-deserved.
This is the most beautiful love story I've ever read on Fimfiction.net. With your permission, pretty please, I would love to feature this on my blog, Fiction Illumination, a weekly fanfic spotlight post on the Las Pegasus Tribune fansite.
The more people see this story, the better the world will be for it. THIS is how to write romance.
3401886
Sure, you can feature it!
I honestly live for comments like this one. They make my heart melt (not literally, I swear!)
My inspiration for this story was, in part, annoyance. I got tired of seeing great romance ideas die because people rode them out so long, so I decided, "Hey, I'll write a meaningful, heart-wrenching romance in under 8k words."
The story was beautiful, my heart was racing when nearing the end, I felt emotional when reading the note, I didn't even expected something like that :D
You Have my Support :D
Keep it Up! :D :D
3403292
Thanks!
'Tis liquid pride worthy.
Thou must pen another tale for us poor, poor souls!
3404983
Thanks!
I've already got a few plans churning in the disturbed machinations of my mind, but they'll be longer, and therefore it'll be a longer wait for them. Patience, my young padawan. They will come.
Wonderfully crafted. I like the contrast between the happiness of the first chapter to the melancholy of the second, it emphasises Luna's feelings all the more - and I am always a fan for a bit of sadness in a fic.
I said sexy damnit.
/5
Okay gents, sit down and prepare for the feels.
This story was pretty good. I found it by accident, (I think memory's still blurry from the cocaine.) and I'll freely admit that I only skimmed it. But damn did the ending shank me in the feels.
Favorite Line: Can't really pick one here.
Rating:
Final Verdict: You know I was using those feels, right? Why did you shank them?!
This story is just spectacular. It is written fantasticly and a joy to read. The ending if just superb. This is among the best Fics I have ever read.
This was incredible. I'm sad now, why did you make me sad? Darn bittersweet moments...
3411722
Gotta love that undefinable feeling called "melancholy", right? :p
3411740
Hmmmm, I'm not sure love is the word I would use.
I do look forward to your future works. I would follow you, but it doesn't let me on my phone... That stinks.
3411775
Eh, whatever. I'll try to remember to like, message you or something when I put out another thing. Probably won't be for a while though. I've got some storyboard ideas floating around in my noggin, but they're gonna take some work.
Sigh.
A dislike.
I suppose it was inevitable, but it saddens me that the dislikee didn't at least let me know why.
Oh well, he's highly outnumbered!
I had a pleasure of reading this even before it got published and I liked it then, but the Recollections chapter was new for me, and it made the story even better! The OC was interesting and believable, romantic parts didn't feel forced - all in all, very nice read. And I learned what an orrery is!
3415810
Cool, well good luck with them.
And yes, that disliker is very outnumbered. :D
Wow, this is great! Especially considering that it's your first fic, well done
3416510
Thanks, and thanks for the watch, you weirdo stalker.
3416880
I try my hardest to be the best stalker I can be
Awesome and it made me cry at the end.
Beautiful story, excellently written and yet...
he was selfish.
3430708
I debated whether or not to include something like this, but I couldn't figure out where it would go. It wouldn't fit well with the story, anyway.
Besides, nopony's perfect.
3431646
This I can accept.
...as for where it would go.
Into the letter.
It's time to move on, Luna. The crystal is exhausted. The cogs are worn. The bearings are loose. This clockwork was wonderful for its time, but now its time is past.
Find a pony who can build a new, better one.
Make it worth their while.
3431763
You're forgetting, he wrote that letter before he asked Luna on the date. He wasn't sure whether she'd even accept at that point, much less that they'd fall in love.
3435029
He had a plenty of time and opportunities to replace it later though ;)
Yes, that would be a little underhanded and so possibly a bit jarring in this kind of poignantly sincere story. Forgive me, I'm a sucker for characters who use underhanded methods for good ends.
3435145
Yeah, I enjoy those characters too.
Oh, be sure to PM me when you upload that story.
3457157
Walls of text? Explain—aside from triple spacing my paragraphs, I dunno what I could do about it.
On behalf of the Proofreader Group, and my personal vendetta to find the best of the best, I bring you this review, for it was an honor to have proofread it. Normally, save for a handful, I can't stand the stories I proofread. Normally I find countless grammatical errors, terrible sentence structure, and just flat-out terrible characters.
What most stories lack in character presentation, and (more importantly) development, this story has dominated. Completely and utterly. How? With an OC that was engaging, simple yet mysterious in his own way, determined, flawed beyond a shadow of a doubt, and just downright funny. The way you presented him, in my opinion, was a wise choice, for the fact I just kept guessing who the Hell it was. For obvious reasons (reasons you clearly fabricated), I kept thinking this was another Time Turner fic. And the only reason it was so easy to read, was for the way you started: with the issue at hand.
The character himself, though faceless at first, quickly grabbed my attention because you showed me what he was made of. That, in itself, demonstrated a skill severely lacking in our Fimfiction community these days. Not only did you slowly reveal his character through his action and surroundings, but you did it in sections; you moved us along without the dreaded info-dumps that make my eyes bleed (thanks for that, by the way) and I gave me a chance to know this character. In short, you told an honest-to-God story--you didn't just write something for the Hell of it.
What I liked most about Gizmo was his incomprehensibly dumb luck. Everything he'd done in his life, from 'stumbling' onto his work, to contriving the events that lead to a splendid payoff, made me laugh, scoff, and occasionally mutter, 'f**kin idiot'.
The icing on the cake were the interactions you weaved. They were beautiful. Simply beautiful. And I dare say you're one of the few writers who can capture Luna in a compelling and 'oh my God, this bitch will eat your soul' kinda way. I'd have to say, my FAVORITE scene was when Gizmo just screamed in her face thinking she was Nightmare Moon, made even better when she threw a chair at him after he tried to apologize. Or was it a table? Can't remember.
This lead to another brilliant character factor: his bronze tongue. Yes. Bronze. If it was silver, he'd likely not stumble over his words and say things that his brain had no business suggesting. Loved it, loved it, loved it. That he kept saying the wrong things in the best possible ways, made his goal a thousand times more believable, and his flaws a thousand times more enjoyable. Favorite example: "Brain? What. The Actual. Crap?!" (Damn child-friendly rating...)
The ending bit into me like a starving viper. With everything Gizmo went through, with every event stacking together the way it, the letter at the end was almost dangerously bittersweet. Not tear-jerky, just... bittersweet. Like having much-too-old-jelly shoved down your chest. That kind of bittersweet. Granted, the ending dialogue by our beloved Moon Butt leaned on the melodramatic side, but I can see why you did it. It just... fit. Though we barely got a glimpse of how their lives were as husband and wife, it was just passable enough to get a sad smile from me. And that, among many reactions after a read, is rare.
Overall, this is a grossly underappreciated fic, and people should feel awful for not reading it. Of course, I just think people need to read more (actual) books to appreciate quality such as this. This may be your first story (as far as I can tell), but I desire more from you. And I'd be honored to proofread them in the future.
10 out 10. An excellent read.
Craine...
PS: If you don't find the soulless Nazis that downvoted this, I WILL.
3464723
Yeah, I still haven't had a comment on a single downvote. Plox, at least tell me why you didn't like it guys.
Anyway, thanks for the review, and I'm glad you thought so highly of it. I plan on writing more in the future, though I'm not sure when. Finals are in two weeks and I have to write 4000 words in papers in the next five days, along with reading Frankenstein and Jane Eyre.
Basically, I won't be penning anything for at least two weeks, possibly a month, depending on what I do for Thanksgiving.
3465927
I may have discerned the source of this:
Publishing a chapter with less than 1000 words shows a lack of commitment, as it's a cheap way to get on the updated list.
I'm not insinuating that this was your intention, but keep in mind that this can cause people to downvote your story without even reading it.
I suggest removing the second chapter and incorporating it's content into the first. I see no reason why "Recollections" can't simply be an additional scene within "The Orrey".
This is a one-shot after all, so multiple chapters is doubly frowned upon in this regard, because it's superfluous.
3473278
Disliking based on that is dumb, especially since both chapters were released on the same date and within twenty minutes of each other, meaning no bump. This fact is visible to all, as you can see the release date on the chapters.
I put a chapter break because a) There was a thousand year gap between scenes and b) Because it switched between third and first person.
3473657
I see your point, but as you say, they're dumb, so they won't look at it that way.
All I'm saying is that I've see it happen: people will upload small chapters and get downrated irrespective of quality.
I still think you could do it using a large scene break (a line of em dashes, some asterisk, or something similar) and maybe a little extra description/narrative where appropriate.
But whatever, that's just me.
It's your fic, so you do what you think is best.
3473699
Sigh. People.
Oh well, I'm leaving it as is because, in the end, it's my story and screw superficial dislikers.
If they've got a reason why they dislike it though, I'm all ears.
3474221
I may have found a spelling error: sylvete.
Is svelte the word you're looking for? Or am I mistaken? It's definition matches the context of the sentence.
I have my irks about this piece, but I don't feel fit to critique it. Adventure is all I have experience writing; romance isn't my strength.
Nevertheless, for what it's worth, here are some things I think would improve this piece:
I feel the orrery holds this story back.
It wrenches my heart to say this, but I must be candid.
Building clocks is what Gizmo loves doing, right?
Well what if he did something else, to win Luna's favor? Something outside his comfort zone?
Think of everything this would entail. He'd have to do things that made him question himself. He'd have to take risks. He'd have to grow to meet the challenge.
Imagine how gripping it would be if Gizmo had to choose between clock-making and Luna.
Not just a year of his life, but his entire life would boil down to that one moment. That level of determination would show just how much Luna meant to him.
The orrery is fine, I guess. It represents permanence, dedication, and is a labor of love.
But it's just kind of...safe.
Gizmo, like his orrery, is almost static. His character doesn't change, and his normal bumbling self does little to hold my interest.
At the very least he could've gone through hell and back to fetch that priceless jewel, right?
Nope, it practically falls into his lap. Snore.
Come on, how am I supposed to feel the stakes here?
It also bothers me that Luna accepts the orrery without a hitch. Which screams of a wasted opportunity.
Imagine if Luna didn't like the orrery, or at least wasn't that impressed. There would be tension. there would be stakes to get invested in.
Luna: "Oh an orrery, nice. I'll put it next to the three-foot-tall one Starswhirl gave me."
Gizmo: Crap! That was my only shot!
So okay, after that, the orrery does nothing. and Gizmo is nervous enough to evacuate his bowls at any minute.
He asks Luna out in one last gamble aaaaaaand...
She says yes. She says yes, and it's poignantly clear that she did so because she loves Gizmo for who he is.
Isn't that so much stronger?
Now if Gizmo had risked everything to get that jewel, and Luna said she would date Gizmo even if he hadn't built her an orrery, I'd be giving you a standing ovation.
That or I'd be dead, because my heart collapsed from the suspense, and subsequent bouts of tear-jerking relief.
Despite these shortcomings I still like this fic.
Why?
"Recollections".
It was sweeter than Pinkie Pie dipped in applesauce, and It made the longest 4832 words of my life more than worth it.
I refrained from telling you any of this because I was worried you'd take it personally, so I want you to know that there's no hard feelings.
Overall, I have much more confidence in you as a writer, than this fic as a story.
I'm certain that you will improve, and that you next fic will blow me away.
I'm serious, you have excellent use of language and are a veritable paladin of English grammar. (I could learn a lot from you in that regard.)
So here's to the future. I think it's bright.
3475109
Finally, someone willing to speak their mind. You raise some valid points, and I completely agree with some of them. Thing is, the story's already written, so I hesitate to change it too much. I disagree with the orrery comment, mainly because it's kinda required for the final chapter to mean anything, but the comments about tension may very well be implemented if I can find a way to do it without ruining the flow of the story.
Hey! You found the spelling error! Finally, I was wondering where it was.
Also, if you want a few grammar tips, I just finished writing this. It could be stuff you know already, but hey, why not.
-UV
3475109
Finally, someone willing to speak their mind. You raise some valid points, and I completely agree with some of them. Thing is, the story's already written, so I hesitate to change it too much. I disagree with the orrery comment, mainly because it's kinda required for the final chapter to mean anything, but the comments about tension may very well be implemented if I can find a way to do it without ruining the flow of the story.
Hey! You found the spelling error! Finally, I was wondering where it was.
Also, if you want a few grammar tips, I just finished writing this. It could be stuff you know already, but hey, why not.
-UV
3475925
I also had trouble getting a handle on Gizmo's motivation.
Why exactly does he love Luna?
Ok so he says she's pretty...and then he showers her with adulation about how amazing and unique she is...well that's just fluff.
There's no concrete, personal, reason for his attachment. Bor -- ing.
What did Luna ever do for Gizmo?
Any old Joe could just walk in and say he found her attractive.
"love at first sight," might work in Romeo&Juliet -- but what makes that play a classic is not the romance itself. It's the circumstances surrounding the romance, and the tragedy that results.
Dramatic irony FTW.
The most cringe-worthy segment of the entire fic was when Gizmo gave his little speech about how awesome Luna is.
Everything he says is completely in-congruent with his character. It feels like he just spontaneously developed outstanding oratory skills just because it was convenient for him at that moment.
Luna:"That is very flattering of you, Gizmo, but I thought you were a repairpony -- not a thespian."
The little lampshade you left at the end, (Wow, that was really awesome. Wish I could say stuff like that more often,) doesn't alleviate this in the slightest.
There's nothing wrong with him having these abilities, but I have to understand why he has them -- and they're not allowed to pop in and out of existence according to his situation.
Either he can out-soliloquize Patrick Stewart, or he can't
I feel many of these problems are ultimately derived from the fic's length.
I commend you for your ambition, but good ideas deserve time and ample legroom.
With a few thousand extra words, you could've fully actualized this character, and then given him the development that would warrant.
I agree, on what you say about the orrery.
As it stands, the orrery is nessessary to hold the story together, and that moment of fond reminiscence is worth holding on to.
However, if I were to rewrite this myself, the orrery would be the first things to go. Having Gizmo build it himself weighs too heavily on the narrative and leaves the story congested.
It would be more effective if the orrery was something Luna already owned, (and it's important to her because it was a gift from Celestia or something,) but it was broken and no pony was allowed to touch it because of how guarded Luna is of ponies and objects that are close to her.
That way, Gizmo could do something smart for a change, and risk sneaking into her quarters to fix it. Using his anonymity to his advantage.
He leaves the jewel inside as a little, "thank you," for whatever Luna did for him, and she's left wondering why her timepiece works.
Thus Luna sets out to find the phantom clock repairpony...
ADEVENTURE HO!ROMANCE HO!Adorable misunderstandings ensue.
I'd like to remind you again that I'm not an expert on romance, so feel free to disregard anything I say if you find a better source that contradicts me.
While this fic might not get me going, I still have my eye on you.
Happy writing.