JoJo here, and I've come to FiMFiction to get out a story that I've been itching to write ever since I discovered this wonderful website.
A prequel to Pony May Cry: Brotherhood is Magic.
The recollections and memories of one lowly demon that give a brief look at the history and conflict that took place between Equestria and Tartarus over 1200 years ago. A story possibly foreshadowing the events to come in Pony May Cry: Brotherhood is Magic as Vergil proceeds further on towards Tartarus.
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Huzzah! A one shot story I had to get off my chest.
Thankfully it's Devil May Cry related.
On a side note, this story is simply signaling the near completion of my upcoming Pony May Cry chapters that I'm still editing at the moment.
Also this song more or less was the inspiration for this particular story.
.... I think some demon needs a hug.
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Yes let's go hug the psychotic demon.
Just because it works with Fluttershy and Vergil doesn't mean it always works.
3363698 You never know. I mean it worked for Asura- wait no I ended up being punched in the face for that never mind.
Black Huntsman got me thinking of this guy for a second
But then I remembered it ain't him......brain fart on my part.
if Vergil open the gates of Tartarus
it seems it won't be just some demon going for a killing spree that he will free
but an entire army who want to take revenge on Celestia and Luna.
well , at least Dante and Vergil will both have a little fun.
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Or they could be in completely over their heads.
Tartarus Demons aren't entirely like your average cannon fodder demons
Fantastic, Joey. Just pure fantastic.
Just for kicks, imma give it an alternate name... Memoirs of a Shadow.
I'm glad you wrote this dude. And i hope it gets the attention it deserves.
Nice, dude. It was fucking great.
Hmm.... Thoughts stirring here, need this to come as clear and concise as possible... I'll point out the most important flaws and the ones I can identify then state how it could have been done better according to my opinion.
This story has a problem with invoking genuine emotion. It is entirely Zamiel's recollection of how things began for demons in Equestria rather than a chapter by chapter follow through of events from his point of view.
So because it is short, the reader doesn't have the leisure to pick up his feelings in such a condensed summary and is forced to assume them at face value. I.E. they read he's angry so they know he's angry but can't relate why. There is a lot exposition here and it is insufficiently expressed in a few thousand words and the character's monotone POV of hate and revenge in a single continuous narration doesn't help. In short the main flaw of this story is that the emotion stops just short before it's completely understood, so its impact is diminished. The secondary flaw complements it, which is it's short length. So the reader just assumes the emotions and takes it all in with so much exposition in once sitting.
In shorter, it feels forced and is paced quick for a story with a lot to tell.
Your use of adjectives and also the way you describe things are a bit off the mark. Though a bit purple with the prose, the story works good as it's worded now, but isn't so exact as they could have been. Can be overlooked and not detrimental.
It also seems a rough around the edges when telling the story. What I mean by this is that it feels like there's a gap between each sentence, made by the combined force of the flaws stated above. The description doesn't present the scene you're trying to convey quite right and the apparently distant emotions of the character make this seem the case.
Also by putting it at Zamiel's point of view, you're giving the reader a reason to sympathize with him even though he's the villain. Was this intended?
I would've set the story up from Celestia's perspective. Have her go through her daily routine and see stuff that reminds her of the demons that once roamed Equestria. Then switch between routine then flashback and routine over and over as needed. For example, she has an audience with a noble and think about how the demons shouted blasphemies or the like back then have her end day court. As she strolls through the gardens she sees a statue of the demon she put to stone and thinks more about the past. Then finally when she goes to sleep, she dreams about Zamiel. An artistic, meaningful and seamless transition between the exposition of the past and emotion of her present.
But taking into account the theme you have in mind, that would be tough to execute. I just found it easier the way I just said IMO.
Somehow, I had managed to give this story a downvote, even though I didn't know about it before today, nor was the chapter marked as 'read'. Glad I got this rectified.
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Thank you kindly.