Twilight's Dream

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Comments ( 13 )

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Bryan Luna

Bryan Luna #1 · May 24th, 2015 · · ·

Okay I'm gonna look this over later, it looks interesting.

The Lunar Rebel

The Lunar Rebel #2 · May 24th, 2015 · · ·

I guess Twilight has some kind of goth fetish

Alcatraz

Alcatraz #3 · May 24th, 2015 · · ·

making the fur just above her hooves moist

Fetlocks?

hooves moist, and playing with

The comma or 'and' here; having both are redundant. The sentence reads correct if you axe one or the other, but it sounds odd having both comma and 'and'.

The crisp air of the night

I absolutely love this smell. But I think the word you're after here is 'petrichor' or 'geosmin', both of which are smells that would be prominent in the air after rainfall.

forgotten in time and covered in weed

i.imgur.com/GSTLuGP.jpg

It was a pony, resting as if contemplating the surface of a pond, it's back rested against a rock with chiseled vines climbing on it, slightly fading and covered by real vegetation. The pony's head and shoulders were covered with a shroud, carefully chiseled on the rock.

This sounds awkward in a couple places.

It was a pony, resting as if contemplating the surface of a pond, it's back rested against a rock

It's already established that the pony is resting, so having 'rested' (the second instance of 'rest'), to me seems not needed.

The pony's head and shoulders were covered with a shroud, carefully chiseled on the rock.

You say it's a statue, but when carving things they're either being carved from, or into rock/stone. Suggest changing it to "carefully chiseled from/into (take your pick) the rock".

leaving it's general shape to look like a ghost of some sort, trapped in time and pondering eternity

Personally I think axing "of some sort" gives the sentence a more foreboding sense. As it stands it's rather casual which isn't good in this sense.

stepping on what remained the cobblestone path

on what remained *of the cobblestone path

This was a decent read, and I'm looking forward to seeing what more there is.

Commander Darklight

Commander Darklight #4 · May 24th, 2015 · · ·

come on let luna turn twilight into a bat pony or is one of those bat ponies are a separate race universes

Myrandall

Myrandall #5 · May 25th, 2015 · · ·

to paint a straight white line in Twilight’s tongue.

*on

Bryan Luna

Bryan Luna #6 · May 26th, 2015 · · ·

Wow this version of Twily is so hot.

Xelos

Xelos #7 · May 26th, 2015 · 2 · 3 ·

I'm not sure what to think about this. I loved everything about it but the part where Twilight gets double teamed by two 'stallion' bat ponies. I wouldn't have minded as much (at all really) if it were two futa bat ponies.

I honestly don't know why but I have some weird aversion to seeing/reading Twilight with a stallion. Any other pony on the show I don't care but Twilight Sparkle? NO! ICKY, ICKY! DON'T WANT!

For some reason I want to see Twilight Sparkle portrayed as a fillyfooler and nothing else (it just seems more adorkable for some reason).

Peachy Moon

Peachy Moon #8 · May 27th, 2015 · 2 · ·

Am I wrong for finding the graveyard, gothiy, poe inspired setting kinda cool?

J_Steelwing

J_Steelwing #9 · Jun 1st, 2015 · 1 · ·

I am very...very interested to see more of this one for sure, the atmosphere during the dream was written wonderfully

CultonoDk

CultonoDk #10 · Jun 8th, 2015 · · ·

Railroad Brony

Railroad Brony #11 · Aug 8th, 2015 · · ·

6025603 No, not really.

The Abyss

The Abyss #12 · Dec 19th, 2015 · · ·

God damn, I want more of this... Luna watching them fuck, then actually getting to feel what they are? I've never seen that before, and I love it.
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NotATree