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Vinyl Scratch agrees to a bet to seduce a certain Octavia von Cut, helped by her bandmates Lemon Hearts (recently-sick former student at the school for gifted unicorns) and Pepperdance (somber earth pony from a far-off land). It does not go as planned.
(Features gratuitous use of background ponies and HasbrOCs, linked as appropriate.)
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Five things in particular stick out at me:
1) You're misplacing bits of punctuation and other small bits a lot. So instead of like:
"Hey, Twilight, where's my box?" asked Roseluck.
It's like:
Hey, Twilight, were's my box" asked Roseluck.
That's not that big of a deal, but it IS a bit irritating.
2) Linking to other websites seems more distracting than anything else. It's best to just stick to describing things in the context of the story; it makes for a better story.
3) Watch out for wall-of-text paragraphs.
4) During the dialogue, there seems to be a lot of mechanical sounding 'X said Y. Then, B said A' language. Including more details helps a whole lot. Emphasize showing things more-- what are their hooves doing, what are their cheeks doing, are they sweating, what about their manes, etc. Paint pictures of the scenes in the readers heads more.
5) This story sort of tends to muddle thoughts, actions, and spoken words a lot in terms of pony to pony. Like in:
“But music’s about love!” she said. Hey, I can’t say I didn’t deserve that one.
It just seems like it would flow better if you had more divisons in terms of "I thought that" / "She seemed to be thinking that" / "She clearly showed some" / etc type language where there are cleaner lines between what one person says, thinks, and does.
And...
Broadly speaking, the conversational sort of tone and the way in which this is written in first person style seems just plain not my thing-- the story is not "bad" in any sense at all, just saying it's "not my thing". I've tried reading stories like this before (and writing them myself before), and it gives a sensation almost like wrapping your brains in oatmeal (at least for me). I also, to be honest, hate this paring-- and I mean hate.
So, I can't upvote this, but the writing in general is good. I'd look over the things I mentioned, but it's still overall nice writing.
1278183 I think you're factually wrong on some of your points, but don't really feel like disputing them... that said, if you can point to any specific instances of inaccurate punctuation/whatever, rather than fabricating an example, I'd be happy to correct them. The linking is an attempt to avoid angry calls of "OC!!!!!!!" just because I use a wider variety of background ponies than the five or six everyone knows about; by and large the pony in question is described in the story, though, so you're free to skip the links. And don't worry, I hate the pairing too. Thanks for your time!
1278183
regardless of my opinion of the pairing this story this is looking quite intresting
I. Did. Not. See. That. Coming.
you get a yellow star, a thumbs up, and a 'stache
An addition of Indentations would help a lot, IMO.
Will comment more as I read on.
Wow. Just...wow. I mean, what the heck do you say to that?
Violet i think you have an unhealthy obsession with the most obscure of background ponies
that said i will not plan an intervention because this story is too good to halt
1288027 Did you miss my hate-filled rant against poor innocent Blueberry because I hadn't realized she was under a darkness filter in that shot? They are not all equal in my sight.
...that said, I do long to read the story someday that features Sparkler hanging out with the annoying teenager ponies from Putting Your Hoof Down.
I've already said this once today, but since it applies here as well, allow me to say it again: Fantastic chapter is Fantastic! You've got a good premise, good set up, an interesting cast of characters, and an engaging sense of humor to tie it all together. You'd better see this story through to the end. It's already far too good to let rot on the pile of mediocre incomplete fics that infest this site. Seriously if the rest of the chapters you release for this story are of the same quality as this one, I will only have two regrets come its completion: that it's ended and that I can only give it one thumbs up.
Oh, and ignore anyone who complains about the picture links. Having the choice to actually see the characters you were talking about was a nice touch. And it's just that, a choice. If they don't like the links they don't have to click on them
.
And with that last line i nearly fell out of my chair and woke up my neighbors! I cannot wait to read more!!!
awww, i really like this pairing. and this is something I enjoyed reading, very much so.
The barbershop quartet moment was amazing,(YEAH!) as was the mustache gag. I'm looking forward to more of this; it's my favorite kind of humor.
This is absolutely great. I love your characterization of these ponies, particularly that of Lemon Hearts
I had a ball reading this and cannot wait for the next part. Never seen anyone write Octavia that proper before but I feel that's just going to make everything more over the top.
"Oh, how splendid" was honestly not expecting THAT.
Huzzah for a Pepperdance fic! She's actually the only figure I own, and here she is being awesome alongside my favorite ship!
As usual, you manage to unquestionably capture the status of Best Writer. Wacky situations, brilliantly shown characterization, and and a perfect sense of detail. I really shouldn't have procrastinated on reading this for three months.
Kind of curious why the back alley would have rotting fish. Ponies don't even eat them, do they?
I do have to point out a number of the links are actually broken at this point though, mostly thanks to the wiki trying to rename everypony. I half question the necessity of them at all, but finding out they don't even work definitely interrupts the flow.
Anyway, I've got to go wander off and figure out where I left off in Hoofstuck now.
This musn't stop. This has the potential to become a great 'TaviScratch' fanfic. The show must go on!
Oh, how splendid!
1278183 Oatmeal?
Are you crazy?
2222625 It's on hold while I finish the current act of Hoofstuck. I do plan to come back to this, though, and at the very least revise problems I see with this first chapter, but comics come first.
2224485
I... I understand
interseting story :D and for some reason i read Pepperdance lines in a russian accent xD
Congrats on making a story that stands out despite featuring one of the most over-saturated pairings. If you continue I will be sure to read.
Also, noticed a few things of possible note:
Not sure if that is the way you intended to phrase that.
Also, personally speaking I am not a fan of some of the beginning narration. The voice is strong, and you dole out information well, but some of the sentences feel a bit overdone. Particularly your use of adverbs, which got obtrusive at times. For example:
Either one of those two could go, and the sentence wouldn't lose much of its meaning, at least so far as I can tell.
Lastly, I am not a fan of the links. Whenever I came across one I ended up debating whether I should follow it and break the flow of the story, or ignore it and keep reading. Either way, the fact that I debated in the first place was distracting. You put tons of effort into describing the characters, and you do so very well. But, if a reader still wants to know exactly who you are talking about, they could use Google, so their distraction would be voluntary.
Anyways, loving what you have so far, hope to see more!
It's sad when you find a fantastic story that hasn't been updated for a long time. But still, we should be happy that we even got to see a story this good! This story is simply genius!
Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here. This, this, and this links are broken. Please fix them. Why is this on hiatus?
5345877 This story's on hiatus because I am not actively writing it, do not plan to in the immediate future, yet have not gone so far as to cancel it. Links will be fixed or (likelier) expunged altogether if/when that changes, but in the meantime, the story is still online more as a courtesy to people who (already) like it than as an invitation to start reading it, so I don't feel too obligated to fix them until then.
Oh, nice to see you're still- UPDATE DAMNIT!
5911294 I agree. Tremendously!!