• Member Since 23rd Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen May 16th, 2012



Fluttershy discovers she has feelings for Rainbow Dash, but Dash has some skeletons in her closet that keep her away...
I did not make the cover art, here's the link though! http://hazurasinner.deviantart.com/art/Unique-Flower-282766640
No REAL sex in this story. I rated it teen to warn that there would be some... suggestive terms, but I will not go into detail about intercourse.

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 42 )

hmm. Try combining the chapters, really short chapters are just awkward to read. You also have a problem with run-ons. Also, "..." really should only go in dialogue, and you used them quite a bit. As for the actual writing: well, it's certainly not the worst I've seen, and for being you're first, it's not bad at all.

The plot itself seems a little generic. Next time, spend a little while trying to come up with a whacky, crazy plot. I'm not saying have giant space aliens kidnap them and force them to mate *did I really just say that? :rainbowhuh:*, but something a little more than this works wonders. The last chapter was a little better in that department, which Rainbow Dash's story. But overall, it needs work.

I hope you take what I've said as constructive criticism. As all writers do, you have a lot of potential, and I'd like to see where you go from here. In fact, if you ever need any help writing some of your work, I'd be more than happy to offer my support. Stay upbeat! ^_^

Overall, this story was okay for it was. I'll give you a thumbs up. :)


Though some might disagree, I enjoy short chapters :rainbowkiss: Glad there's more to read too! Good start so far :twilightsmile:

Keep em comin man, I came here when I saw cover art lol. Glad I did btw pretty good writing :D :rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss:

Thanks a million, all of ye!
I had this already put up on fanfiction.net and I just moved it onto here... I also just kinda update when I can, so if I only have a small amount of time I'll write a small chapter, if I have some time to kill I'll make quite a large one.
I love that art... I found it floating around on my computer the other day and decided to use it for this :rainbowwild:

Despite how short it is, it is very well written. A few spelling errors here and some grammar odd there but not enough to stop me from reading. Granted the plot is a-bit overused but its still a good one none-the-less (like HiM FiM) and I agree that you should have shaken it up a tad bit. Good job with Rainbow Dash's flashback, I feel as if something is missing from it, None-the-less your story was enjoyable. More or less a great mini-story to read when looking for something small to read. That is actually one good thing about small stories, they are quick, easy to read, and who turns down a 3K story?

Bravo and encore, although do try to fill up your soon to follow stories a bit more.

It was a bit short but I like a good short story once a while. Good work and welcome to Fanfiction writing:ajsmug:

I may have read this on fanfiction.net, is this the original text or a revised version? It feels like I have read something similar to this somewhere...

Anyways, I'm liking what your doing with this. Keep up the work!


@jangledorf (odd name...)
Original text.
^The fanfiction.net version... I just started it a couple weeks ago.

it was cute, i liked it...is this the end or is there more to come?

249426 It's not the end. I'll continue it in one way or another! :rainbowlaugh:

A little too generic and simply done for my tastes, but it's competently done, at least. Try and mix it up a little with your next story.

These are very good for your first shot at a fic. I think that for it to truly speak to someone, there should be a lot more development and progression. For the maybe two-thousand words it was, it was great. You have potential; if the stories could have a longer plot, more development, suspense, and a more detailed view of what actually occurs, it will be great!

:ajbemused: As a tip, you might want to put your author's notes at the end of the chapter. Needless to say, it prevents spoilers.

:fluttercry: you're story makes me want to cry for some reason

i just finished chapter four and thaught to myself "sweeeeeeet" then laughed out loud and now here i am still laughing and heres my thaughts: Dude you gotta keep 'em comin this is awesome! i think youve got real talent for somethin' like this and you should keep at it even the book im writing doesnt sound as good as this and im on chapter freakin' 6! well then again most of the book is fighting and blood 'n gore and its the storyline for a video game its about the extended version of Fable 1..... sorry i started to rant but anyway keep at it man this is amazing and i loved it! :rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss:

Your Faithful Reader:

249313 Long story behind that name, nobody uses it though so I'm fine with it.

I feel this whole story is a bit too short, and somewhat rushed. Its nice reading short stories every once in a while, but you should really try to stretch it out more in the future. Try to write at least 1,000 words a chapter.

And try not to have your conflicts resolved so quickly, There should be at least a one chapter difference between a problem and its solution.

Still, this story is fun to read and a nice simple read, and very enjoyable.

dashie how could you

this was nice but im not quie sure why a society of herbivores would need meat substitutes

this is damn funny thanks for writing more on the book also:
:rainbowderp: + :fluttershysad: = :rainbowkiss::yay: their PERFECT for each other

thats..... beautiful maaan...... just FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!!!!!! :raritywink::scootangel::raritycry::derpytongue2::fluttercry::rainbowkiss::twilightsmile:

TO RAINBOW DASH!!!:rainbowkiss: AND TO FLUTTERSHY!!!!!!!:yay:
:moustache: spike approves this message AND A HAPPY WEDDING TO YOU BOTH
may your souls and bodies........ forever....... be linked no matter what..................:twilightsmile:

:trollestia: celestia: i would like to congratulate the two of you in person for finding a lesson in true friendship that only those who are wedded can experience may you love each other until death AND MAY THE KINGDOM OF EQUESTRIA WATCH OVER YOU!!!

That was mother fucking adorable! :yay::heart::rainbowkiss:


I wandered in from the Flutterdash group. Just checking out the "competition," if you want to see it that way.

The good: you're not as afraid of drama as many first-time authors.

The bad: the story moves with the fast-forward enthusiasm of a kindergardener's play-time. That's not incurable, but you'll need to learn to let your characters stew in their problems a bit more - and to take time to enjoy the scenery.

I can hook you up with some decent editors if you're willing to take more specific criticism.

PS: You're not even close to suggestive. This is pretty much an "E" in my opinion.

._. Manly Tears have been shed, FUUUUUUU :rainbowhuh:

:yay::heart::rainbowkiss: forever!

this story would make a great episode!

This story is awesome! Though I believe it should be "Pinkie" rather than "Pinky" :twilightblush:

great story overall, but here's a few pointers:
A lot of people (Myself included) like longer stories
let problems sit for a while before they are resolved (If they are resolved)
this story is cute, but it could use a little more substance. description, back-story and the like.
more info on the individual characters.

Other than that, this story was great and absolutely adorable:heart:

I liked your story, but it went by to fast. Their love didn't seem like it meant much or that it was really true. Though it was good for your first story, can't wait to read more of your stories later on in the future

Poor Shy! Ohhhh! Rainbow Dash, let me get my leather belt, I will be right over! MWHAHAA:pinkiecrazy:

Rainbowdash tsk tsk tsk i will have to hire Pinkamena for this job :pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

Rainbow Dash is a fucking Jew (I'm a 4chan user). What she did was unacceptable.

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