• Member Since 7th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 8th, 2015

dbzponyninja



E

What do cartoon characters do when they aren't recording for the various shows that they appear in they hang out at The Cartoon Club and have fun of course, what is The Cartoon Club well you're about to find out?

Chapters (16)
Comments ( 18 )

I...
I don't even know where to begin critiquing this. :facehoof:

Before I say anything else -- how old are you, and are you a native English speaker? (In other words, were you born, raised, and educated in the USA, Canada, England, Australia, or some other country where English is the dominant language?)

2890329
Did you ever read a book or take an English class after third grade?

2890329

Hm. Well... I wouldn't have put it quite the same way 2890383 did, but they're pretty much correct, I'm afraid. For a 21-year-old who (presumably) graduated high school, your English-composition skills are... well...

(I think "atrocious" is the word you're looking for, darling.) :duck:

...really, really bad. Everything is written as incomprehensible run-on sentences with little or no punctuation, you have no actual descriptions of anything, you write almost no dialogue... and the few lines of dialogue you do write are totally unnatural-sounding, in large part because of those run-on sentences.

And the biggest sin of all -- nothing happens! These stories have nothing in them. The characters have no life to them, there's nothing interesting about them, and you tell us nothing about what they look like, or where they are. You haven't told us one word about what the inside of the club actually looks like, or what anyone's wearing, what they're eating or drinking...

I mean, if you're going to have a chapter titled "The Card Game and Skateboard Competition To End All Competitions", don't you think you should actually show us some kind of epically awesome card game and skateboard competition? How satisfied would you be if you'd gone to see The Avengers, and instead of actually getting to see all those battle scenes, some guy had just appeared in the middle of a blank screen and said "Okay, so Loki came back, and the Avengers all got together and fought him, and a bunch of buildings fell down, then the Hulk grabbed Loki and put the beatdown on him and the Avengers won."

I hate to be mean about it, but this really is about the level of writing I would expect from an eight-year-old child, not a grown-up who supposedly made it all the way through high school. Looking through some of your other stories, I see that I'm not the only one who's made similar comments.

Have you ever stopped to wonder why nearly all of your stories have far more "dislikes" than "likes?" Here's a hint: It's not because people don't like the idea of other cartoon shows crossing over into Equestria.

I'm going to be honest, here. Somewhere along the line, your school teachers failed you. (Failed to teach you, I mean. They should have failed you, as in "given you an F and made you take the class over again.") You really need to take some remedial English-language and creative-writing courses before you try writing any more stories. Trust me -- you will need to be able to write properly if you ever hope to get beyond the "would you like fries with that?" stage in life. Any hiring manager who gets a job application or a resume written this poorly is going to toss it right into the rubbish bin.

(And I really do hate to be that blunt about it; usually, I prefer to give more constructive criticism and actually help an author improve. But there's literally nothing I can work with here.)

and mum ra raeges about his show being cancelled

my brain asploded (and i have never read anything so fast in my life)

This is, quite possibly the single most incompetently-written thing I've ever come across. It's like a six-year-old child's book report scribbled out on the bus ride to school at the last second.

I've seen you put effort, obviously your others stories show as such. And you continue this despite all the negative feed back which I applaud you for. But a lot of people are right in the fact your writing skills need improvement. Please for your sake, take some remedial or introduction courses for English and/or writing. I really hope you do since you've shown the will to continue writing, I just hope that you improve overtime and find yourself being able to express your thoughts and ideas more effectively, something you will find great joy in if you do.

Best of luck :pinkiesad2:

3749168
I'm convinced that either this guy really is an eight-year-old child, in which case he probably just doesn't know any better because they don't teach proper English composition in school these days (back when I was in primary school, they drilled us in this stuff until we could diagram sentences in our sleep!)... or, he's a troll, in which case he's throwing this half-arsed stuff out there just to get a rise out of people.

The alternative, that he really is a grown adult who cannot write any better than this, doesn't bear thinking about.

Well... This. I don't think I've ever come across a story that was just so much... Nothing. This story is an absolute travesty, made even more so by the fact that this is a good idea! Do you have any idea how many hilarious moments could have come out of this story?
For example, you mention Ultimate Spider-Man. Spectacular Spider-Man was cancelled for that show. So is the Spectacular Spidey still around? How does he feel about having his show cancelled for Ultimate? Do you have any idea how hilarious an argument between those two characters would have been? You have a story where you can make animated television characters interact with one another, and you completely wasted it. I'm not trying to be mean, but this is the single worst story I've ever seen come out of a good idea.
Like the others have said, you seriously need to take some remedial writing classes. This is absolutely awful.

4565558 Hmm Spectacular Spidey talking to Ultimate Spidey this is a interesting idea that I've never thought about for some reason I think i'll use that in a future episode for this story/ series.

4565578 Before you do that, you really need to learn how to write. Seriously, go and take a look online, see if there are any remedial writing classes in your area. Then go and take some creative writing classes, because you need to take both before you're going to be ready to write anything, period.

:facehoof: I see you've taken I and many others' advice and completely ignored it. You still can't write at all, and you show no real desire to improve. :ajbemused: You need to learn to write before you continue doing so, because this story is complete garbage in it's current state.

Eldorado
Moderator

News and other updates should be shared via tagged blog post, not a full story chapter.

5083997 I'm sorry I didn't know.

Eldorado, why did you cancel this?

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