Cartoon Hangout

by dbzponyninja

Episode 3 The Card Game and Skateboard Competition To End All Competitions

Cartoon Hangout Episode 3 The Card Game and Skateboard Competition To End All Competitions by dbzponyninja Written on ‎July ‎17, ‎2013

Last time on Cartoon Hangout several supervillains from several superhero cartoon shows, My Little Pony Friendship is Magic and Disney movies were not allowed entry into The Cartoon Club due to being supervillains so they formed their own seperate Cartoon Club for supervillains named The Cartoon Club For Supervillains where they do all the things that the normal Cartoon Club does as well as plotting how to get rid of their enemies what happens next let's find out right now?

Sunil Nevla asked "Big Macintosh in the trademark Indian accent that he talks in "Don't you find it weird/ funny that both of us are voiced by the same voice actor?"

Big Macintosh told the blue mongoose "Nope that's not weird at all lot's of characters on Littlest Pet Shop are voiced by actors and actresses from My Little Pony Friendship is Magic what's so weird about that?"

Sunil told Big Macintosh "I am mostly referring to the way how when Peter New does my voice he talks in a Indian accent but when he does your voice he does your voice he talks in a deep southern accent and usually but not always says either Eeyup or Nope but occasionally says more words than that."

In a corner of The Cartoon Club Lil Rob from Wild Grinders was talking to Otto Rocket from Rocket Power and challenged him to a nearby Skate Park that wasn't in Ocean Shores or Sprawl City to find out once and for all who is the best skateboarder.

However at a table in The Cartoon Club a fierce three way card game was going on between Lola Bunny from Looney Tunes Show, Fluttershy's pet rabbit Angel Bunny from My Little Pony Friendship is Magic of course and Buttercream Sundae from Littlest Pet Shop however as Angel Bunny was the only one at the table who was not able to talk it was hard for him to play cards with Lola and Buttercream and after several minutes of anger and frustation from both of them Angel eventually gave up and left thus the three way card game turned into a two way card game.

After several more minutes Buttercream won the card game and the skateboard competition between Lil Rob and Otto Rocket ended in a draw. The End.

On the next exciting two part episode of Cartoon Hangout still slightly angry at the fact that supervillains are not allowed access into The Cartoon Club despite the fact that they now have their own seperate Cartoon Club Livewire, Shocker, Mr. Freeze, Sabertooth, King Sombra, Mojo Jojo and Vulcanus attack The Cartoon Club with plans to destroy it so the good cartoon characters no longer have a place to hang out and have fun together and Superman, Supergirl, Spiderman, Batman, Robin, Batgirl, Nightwing, The Xmen, The Mane Six, The Powerpuff Girls, Ben Tennyson, Rook, Gwen Tennyson and Kevin Levin all are sent to stop this attack and defeat their supervillain enemies all of this and more will happen on the next exciting two part episode of Cartoon Hangout.

Cartoon Hangout Episode 4 The Battle Between The Two Cartoon Clubs part 1 of 2.

Comments

[EquesTRON]

I...
I don't even know where to begin critiquing this.

Before I say anything else -- how old are you, and are you a native English speaker? (In other words, were you born, raised, and educated in the USA, Canada, England, Australia, or some other country where English is the dominant language?)

[dbzponyninja]

2890090 I'm 21 and was born and raised in America.

[Normal]

2890329
Did you ever read a book or take an English class after third grade?

[EquesTRON]

2890329

Hm. Well... I wouldn't have put it quite the same way 2890383 did, but they're pretty much correct, I'm afraid. For a 21-year-old who (presumably) graduated high school, your English-composition skills are... well...

(I think "atrocious" is the word you're looking for, darling.)

...really, really bad. Everything is written as incomprehensible run-on sentences with little or no punctuation, you have no actual descriptions of anything, you write almost no dialogue... and the few lines of dialogue you do write are totally unnatural-sounding, in large part because of those run-on sentences.

And the biggest sin of all -- nothing happens! These stories have nothing in them. The characters have no life to them, there's nothing interesting about them, and you tell us nothing about what they look like, or where they are. You haven't told us one word about what the inside of the club actually looks like, or what anyone's wearing, what they're eating or drinking...

I mean, if you're going to have a chapter titled "The Card Game and Skateboard Competition To End All Competitions", don't you think you should actually show us some kind of epically awesome card game and skateboard competition? How satisfied would you be if you'd gone to see The Avengers, and instead of actually getting to see all those battle scenes, some guy had just appeared in the middle of a blank screen and said "Okay, so Loki came back, and the Avengers all got together and fought him, and a bunch of buildings fell down, then the Hulk grabbed Loki and put the beatdown on him and the Avengers won."

I hate to be mean about it, but this really is about the level of writing I would expect from an eight-year-old child, not a grown-up who supposedly made it all the way through high school. Looking through some of your other stories, I see that I'm not the only one who's made similar comments.

Have you ever stopped to wonder why nearly all of your stories have far more "dislikes" than "likes?" Here's a hint: It's not because people don't like the idea of other cartoon shows crossing over into Equestria.

I'm going to be honest, here. Somewhere along the line, your school teachers failed you. (Failed to teach you, I mean. They should have failed you, as in "given you an F and made you take the class over again.") You really need to take some remedial English-language and creative-writing courses before you try writing any more stories. Trust me -- you will need to be able to write properly if you ever hope to get beyond the "would you like fries with that?" stage in life. Any hiring manager who gets a job application or a resume written this poorly is going to toss it right into the rubbish bin.

(And I really do hate to be that blunt about it; usually, I prefer to give more constructive criticism and actually help an author improve. But there's literally nothing I can work with here.)