• Member Since 3rd Jun, 2014
  • offline last seen Jun 18th, 2018

PianoPony


I'm not that obsessed with Naruto in real life. Honest.

T

It was a few days after Pain's devastating attack on the Village Hidden in the Leaves.
Half of the town was completely wrecked, but eventually Pain was stopped, and luckily there were no casualties.
This was thanks to Naruto Uzumaki, now hailed by the townspeople as ‘Hero of the Leaf’.
Things were really looking up for him, finally being respected, rather than shunned and hated by the citizens.
However, all this becomes meaningless when a mythical creature appears at his doorstep, and somehow kidnaps him into another universe.

Now a stranger in a world full of colorful ponies, Naruto tries to conceal his identity until he can find a way to get back home.
But with a millennium old evil soon making its return, he might find he plays a much bigger part there than just an unintentional visitor...


Please review after you read it! Constructive criticism is always welcome!

AU tag is there for a reason, even though it is not obvious at the beginning.


Many thanks to SkittlesJesus for providing me with (yet another) epic cover art!!!


Many thanks to my editor Viper Redbird!!!
The story is currently undergoing fixing of mostly grammatical and punctuational errors.

Chapters (36)
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Comments ( 814 )

Constructive criticism: Your premise terrible and pulled off without any really interest. The description is godawful, you use the number '2' instead of 'two', and your short description is a better description than your long description.

What I want to say: I like to shove broken glass up my ass.

Interesting, however I've noticed the font is rather large, especially for the "small" text size that I use. You really should lower that. Also, it feels like the chapter's a bit rushed, especially the part where Naruto meets Pinkie. It feels a good bit too fast, as if he immediately trusts her. That's pretty weird considering his nature in the anime and just how weird it would be to trust a foreign creature you never saw or heard of before immediately. Let's not forget the timing. When was Naruto transported? It had to be before Naruto fought Madara or heard of him. Perhaps not the latter. But it's gotta be in Shippuuden considering he's 16. You might want to add that in there, as well as use the words for numbers instead of the numbers themselves. More pleasing to the eye - in my case at least - and seems to give a more "refined" look to your story.

Look and improve on whatever you feel you can, and you'll be making a good crossover. Good luck, and I enjoyed reading this for the most part!

4499100

I'll admit it's not exactly perfect, but I think you're going a bit far there, dude.

Alright, criticism time...

The Good: Pinkie's reactions is kinda spot on, for her at least. Something some crossovers take a bit too far is the odd reactions of ponies to new species, and while it's true some characters like Zecora didn't exactly get the warmest welcome, that's a smaller set of cases whereas Gilda (A merging of two predatory species) and Spike (A flippin' dragon) get a rather warm, friendly welcome even if the former squandered it. Zecora could have just been a bit of an uncanny valley situation, close enough to a pony to be familiar but different enough to not be, the combination making things rather uncomfortable and fearful.

Naruto, while a wholly unprecedented species, is friendly and probably would be somewhat easily accepted, especially given the similarities to the Minotaurs (Although humans might fall into a similar situation with Minotaurs that Zecora did with the Ponies), but this is all just me over-analyzing.

The Bad: The text size is a bit uncomfortable large throughout the chapter, but nothing too bad. the chapter does seem a bit rushed and Naruto's lack of more freaking at the whole "Another dimension" thing seems underwhelming. Also, depending on the point in the Naruto storyline, he seems a bit too chummy with Kurama, but I suppose that tends to be an unfortunate given with Naruto fanfics.

Admittedly, some parts seem rather...stupid (A tipped over snail? Really?), but I'll reserve further judgement for the future.

Thank you all for reading and criticizing! I'll address each point one by one:

4499100
The premise (how he was transported to Equestria?) was quick for a reason. It will be addressed in due time...
The description... *cough* I have no excuse. I'll work on it. Same goes for that two. Maybe it's cause I wrote it at 11 pm.
Consider all number deleted.

4499400
The font... Well I thought it was too small, really. I'll fix that.
I think I will indeed edit that conversation with Pinkie. I've had troubles deciding on Naruto's reaction and went for the more excited one. I just have troubles picturing Naruto as a serious guy, especially talking to colorful ponies half his height.
Good eye for when I plucked Naruto out of Konoha, even though I didn't mention it explicitly. It was a few days after Pain's defeat.
As said above, numbers are gone.

4499834
Yep, I'll change the size.
As I said, I had some troubles deciding his reaction... I'll have to give that more thought.
Chumminess isn't what I was going for with Kurama... Kurama is helping him out of necessity. If Naruto dies so does he. Besides the few lines I gave him here, he won't be talking much in the near future (Depends on how far I go with Pinkie, haha.)
I think I heard the snail one in the abridged series? I'm not sure, but I couldn't help put it in.

4501522 Nice to see somebody actually listening. I'll forgive you for the terrible presence and stuff. Somewhat.

This story has potential. Since Naruto is 16 I'm assuming this takes place after he returns from his training trip with Jiraiya. I can't wait to see Naruto meet more ponies, especially the CMC.

4509794
The CMC will have some major importance to the plot later on, but don't expect it to happen soon. :raritywink:

Nice chapter, I can't wait to see Naruto's first encounter with Twilight, I'm guessing his abilities will drive her crazy if she sees his Shadow clones and tree walking.

4501522 The one thing I have a problem with is the whole 'Naruto transforms into a pony' thing. Let's be honest here, Naruto's not one for tact and espionage. We all know that he probably wouldn't disguise himself unless he were trying to get away from an angry Twilight or something, it just doesn't fit his character.

please continue
Q: will this Naruto ever become like his canon counterpart? or at least something close to it? :unsuresweetie:

I want to see Naruto using Rasengan/Rasenshuriken on NMM.

4514559

It's not espionage, or at least that's completely not what I'm going for here. Imagine yourself landing into a land of dogs or something. Most probably they'd put you in a cage if you didn't transform into one yourself, won't they? Naruto couldn't be sure the other ponies were as accepting as Pinkie. :pinkiegasp:


4514591

He's just getting over the whole 'Ponyland' thing. Just give him some time.... (About 2 chapters)


4514595

I'll consider it. :raritywink:

4515162 Yeah, but this is Naruto we're talking about, he's not one for stealth or disguises.

Wow awesome story so far, i cannot wait to read more!:pinkiehappy:

Awesome update! Cannot wait to see Twilight's further confusion over so many Naruto's :pinkiehappy:

I want more …………………………pleas

Twilight is going to be so confused :rainbowlaugh:
Q: at what point in time did you pluck Naruto from? does he have his sage mode? Kyuubi mode? Six Paths Sage mode? does he just have Kurama or does he have the other Bjuu? etc :moustache:

4533372

I guess I should really say this when I upload the next chapter. It was a few days after Pain's defeat when he got to Equestria. So, only sage mode, and he and Kurama aren't buddies yet.

4534561 Regardless I'd love to see Naruto and Dash race once he gets the super speed that comes with the Nine-Tails Cloak.

I can't wait to see everypony's confusion if all the Naruto's walk into the same room. How long until Twilight freaks out trying to understand Naruto's abilities????

Awww...no Other Bijuu means no flying Naruto.
Now we cant see Twilight's face over a flying earth pony. :pinkiehappy:

This. Is. AWSOME!!! :rainbowkiss: I can't wait for what's next.
I bet Naruto will save Luna(beat Nightmare Moon) without the elements of harmony but instead reverting to his human form in the middle of the battle and shocking every pony except Pinkie Pie, and still saving them all and then immediately afterwords be sent back to his home dimension without even a shred of remorse from the multiverse. :pinkiehappy:

Spike missed a golden opportunity to tease Twilight and Naruto, i.e. Try to see it from his view: he walks in on both of them alone in the bedroom while a party is going on down stairs, plus Twilight is on the bed most likely lying on her back too while smiling and looking excited with Naruto standing over her, only thing that would be missing is if Spike let slip of the scene he saw to the others and let their imaginations run wild!

4560173

You're right. But Spike is a BABY dragon, after all. Isn't he supposed to be the most innocent with these kinds of things? :scootangel:
Now... If those were one of the mane six... :trixieshiftright:

If this is after the Pain Arc why is Naruto so skeptical? He was almost trapped in a moon so...Hell why not, super power pony manipulating the moon sure. Its controlling the sun he should consider bull.

derailing my thoughts love this story and its going well keep it up.

Hmmm, might Naruto find himself with the unknown Seventh Element Courage???? Lyra is going to freak out when Naruto reveals his true form.

Awesome update, cannot wait for more (although i have to anyways lol) :twilightsmile:

4560301
perhaps Spike could mention it in passing? or ask Twilight what she and Naruto were doing alone together in the bedroom when the rest of the girls are about? :trollestia:

4560710

Lmao, I love the way you think! :pinkiehappy:
Consider it done. :raritywink:

4560727
and when the girls ask he could describe the scene to them :trollestia: Rarity would love it for the gossip factor (it would quickly find its way to Canterlot and in turn to Celestia plus the Sparkle family :facehoof:) and it would be something right out of her cheesy romance numbers :raritystarry: she can live vicariously through her new purple friend :raritywink:

4560772

Now you're taking it a bit too far... :derpytongue2:
This isn't THAT kind of story. Not yet anyway... :trollestia:

4560797
yet.. :rainbowkiss: you should see what i've come up with when/if Twilight's family visit :trollestia:

4514559 I have to agree, this has become a trend with a lot of HiE stories lately, and it's always come off as contrived at best. At least the Equestrian Epona story had Link eventually go "nuts to this nonsense" and revert to human mid-story. :ajbemused:

The story itself here is fine, and an interesting read which will be occupying me for the next few hours, though. :twilightsheepish:

Naruto’s eyes began hurting a bit after a while. Never in his life had he seen such a… Colorful population.

You're one to talk, Captain Orange! :trollestia: I thought ninjas were supposed to dress in colors the opposite of looking like a road reflector. :facehoof:

not sure i like the extra Element idea but whatever i'll roll with it, also i'm sure Naruto would have stopped long enough to enter sage mode before jumping into battle with an unknown combatant, the extra senses and power boost are vital edges to any combat/rescue mission, Naruto would be wise enough to know that by now, but other than these tiny grumbles i enjoyed this chapter :twilightsmile:

also on the rumor front! no one should believe them when they deny that anything happened, if anything the more they deny it the bigger the rumors should become (methinks the lady doth protest too much kind of thing) and the longer the rumor goes on for the bigger and more extreme it becomes as more and more people/ponies/etc add to the rumor to make it more exciting! :trollestia:

Eeep, spoiler bomb late in the chapter there. :twilightoops:

I honestly wish the Element of Courage wasn't mentioned in the book, it would have been cocker to have Celestia return and explain it to everyone.

I'm fairly certain by his point Naruto has reached the level he can do a normal Rasengan by himself and only needs the clones for the more powerful versions. Also, WHY DIDNT HE USE SAGE MODE???? OR THE CHAKRA CLOAK???

4582612 The thing about him struggling against revenge for, reasons. >_> I haven't actually watched the anime that far in to know that what you mentioned as his reasoning for it, happened. :twilightoops:

4583700
Aw man, I'm sorry. It is kind of old though...
Well, it's more against hatred. Don't take the phrasing I used too literally.

Though some time in the future the Naruto spoilers I use will be FAR more spoiling. I advise you to catch up as quickly as you can!

4583692
Naruto was pulled from Konoha after the Pain arc. So no chakra cloak for him.
The sage mode issue will be addressed later, don't worry.

I can't believe you went and pulled this bullshit extra element crap. Seriously that's just a copout for people who don't want to write that the character is stronger than the villains or to give him a reason to force him to stay. Just make Celestia not have a way of sending him home or something, but don't pull this crap out. :trixieshiftleft:

4583840
Don't jump the gun. That's all I will say about it now.

so the cat is out of the bag :pinkiegasp:

Comment posted by Umbres Argentum Laugh deleted Jun 27th, 2014
Comment posted by PianoPony deleted Jun 27th, 2014
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