Summer time is here in the human world and Sunset Shimmer decides to use the portal to Equestria to visit Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends.
Chapters (3)
dbzponyninja
Joined 7th Jul, 2012 ·
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Not going to lie. Reaaallllllyyy interesting premise, that's what got me to read it, but really jumpy writing.
When I say jump, I mean every word and sentence feels like you are jumping from point A to B to C, uber sequential. Its like rather than drawing a curve, you are making a bunch of connected dots that try to form a curve.
I'd recommend letting the story take its time, describe more of the background, let there be longer sentences said in a conversation other than a sequence of tiny sentences.
To put it simply, I think you should flesh it out more in the future, maybe spruce up the first two chapters. (don't mistake this as advice for writing too many useless details either, just a little smoothing out is all)
I don't want you to think I'm trying to put you down, I am just trying to give you some advice. Because this does seem like an interesting premise, and id love to read more if the plot can be as engaging as the premise is.
Good luck and have fun with future chapters, I hope my advice was more helpful than antagonistic.
5176850 Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it.
Great story just cut down on the "Princess Twilight" a bit. It got a bit annoying after a while. other that that, very good!
5177460
Funny enough it feels in character for Sunset. She's not around as much so she didn't get the "don't call me princess" thing beaten into her like her friends. Also she writes in the book and writes letters much like the whole "Princess Celestia" routine.
Though maybe have Twilight make it known that she doesn't have to address her by her Princess, that'd be natural for Twilight. Just my two cents on that.
5178160 You just gave me a idea for the next chapter, thank you.
5178198
No problem! Looking forward to seeing what you have in store next
You've got a nice premise here. Unfortunately, there's one small problem...
You don't know how to write.
I'm just going to be honest and straightforward about it:
You do not know how to write.
Have you read? Ever? Like, anything? At all? Because if you have, it doesn't show. A writer must first be a reader, because the only way to learn how to write is to read.
What I'm seeing here tells me you don't read.
Let me give you a few examples of what's wrong with this.
First off, you're not using any punctuation to separate attribution from quotes, which is a style rules violation. More than that, the way you're constructing quotes and attributions doesn't follow English language logic. This is how the above SHOULD be written:
"I'm inviting every single one of you to come with me to the beach tomorrow," Rainbow Dash says. "We'll go surfing and shopping and whatever else you want to do. So, who wants to come along?"
Another example of problems with your writing style:
You're doing two things wrong here on top of breaking style rules:
1. You're doing a lot of telling but no showing whatsoever. Instead of telling the reader the others all agreed to go with Rainbow, SHOW THEM agreeing:
"Sure, I'll go!" Applejack says.
"Sounds like fun! I'm in!" Pinkie says.
"Oh, shopping down by the beach would be lovely! Not to mention getting a tan. Count me in too, darling!" Rarity said.
And so forth.
2. Redundancy. You tell the reader Sunset Shimmer has other plans, then you have her saying she has other plans. There is no reason to have both things there.
Another problem:
Describing the characters' voices is...annoying. We know what they sound like. There's no reason whatsoever to do this.
And one more thing:
Your chapters are entirely too short, and that's going to turn away a LOT of readers.
I've taken a quick glance through your other stories, and this is apparently a pattern for you. Your stories are all this badly written, heavily downvoted...I don't know if anyone has bothered to try to explain to you what I'm telling you, because I'm not going to read through every comment on every one of your stories, but based on what I'm seeing here, you've been at this for some time now and have made no apparent improvement whatsoever. So either nobody's telling you what you're doing wrong, or they're telling you and you simply aren't listening.
Whatever the case is, I'm telling you now:
You don't know what the hell you're doing, and you need to stop, step back, and try reading and LEARNING HOW TO WRITE before you try writing again. Because right now? You're pretending to write. You have a good idea here but you're half-assing it and your idea deserves better than that.
Learn to write, then try again.
that was fast pacing
5204847
You're wasting your breath, I'm afraid. He has been told this, repeatedly, by dozens of other people, and yet he continues to turn out this juvenile sub-literate slop without the slightest indication of having heard a word anyone's said to him.