After coming home from the Crystal Empire, Twilight wants to experiment with the spell she learned today...
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 19th May, 2013
- offline last seen Sep 14th, 2017
Darkryt Orbinautz
Still slowly trying to disentangle from MLP. It is ... slow going.
Darkryt Orbinautz
Joined 19th May, 2013 ·
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Kind of wondering what it was she was trying to cast now.
2711321
That spell in the Season 3 Premiere where her eyes glow green? Celestia showed it to her in Part 1, and she used herself in Part 2.
Cool so far! i hope to see more improvement in story length and plot thickness/development. I am in love with the concept and idea of this story keep up the good work!
Absolutly loving it! the idea for the story is great! I hope to see more from you in time.
Great ending one of the best short stories I've read for sure!
It's hard to tell exactly what kind/genre of story you're trying to tell here. You claim it's "Sad" but throw jokes out all over the place, making the tone more of a dark comedy more than anything else. It feels like Penstroke's Haunting Nightmare at 4x speed but for a horror it's important to gently build an atmosphere. The delivery suffers from pacing as you rush from action scene to action scene, without much consideration for how it's affecting the character. You tell more than you need in places, when the sometimes the best things are left unsaid for the reader to understand. Some characters know more than they should merely for the sake of exposition (Rarity calling the dress evil, Old Train pony somehow knowing of supernatural possession, etc.), and some characters seem a bit off.
This story has potential (interesting concept, good humour), but it feels like I'm looking at a skeleton rather than a fully fleshed work. This can be a lot better than it currently is, if you give it the time.
2712230 That doesn't really explain what she was trying to do. Sombra's magic used in the show had a different effects, mainly: growing dark crystals and opening doors. In this story you show this used to transform a regular crystal into a dark one, and to transform a desk into a darker version. That's fair enough, but if it's the same spell as before why does it knock her out and get her possessed by demons? I don't really understand this bit.
2723698
You have excellent points.
1) There's not really a proper 'Dark Humor' category...and as I'm typing I realize I probably could have just put "Dark" and "Comedy"
I'll edit that.
2) I admit, that's not what the spell did in the show, but see 4.
3) Uh, well...Rarity calling the dress evil is supposed to be more of that misplaced humor. And I honestly don't remember what I was thinking for the old train pony, but I thiiiink it might have been that he was speaking figuratively, not realizing Twilight really was possessed, or something like that. Not an excuse, I know, but...
4) Yes, it is a skeleton. I figured if I wanted, I could have nice, good, long story (that probably would explain the spell's effects), but I couldn't think of how to do that without including a "Twilight's friends attempt to rescue her from the darkness" which you can find fanfics using that set-up in every fanfiction archive ever, not just pony ones.
Celestia curse it all to Tartarus, now I feel like you've issued a challenge, so now I have to rack my brains for how to make a longer, better version of the story. Curse you!
This Story is head-canon for me now! XD
A slight error, but nothing too bad.
Well, at least she'll make the trains run on time.
Euro joke!