Fuckoff
Joined 14th May, 2013 ·
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Hmm interesting. I think i will keep my eye on this one.
I think I like what you're doing with this. Great fight scenes.
It has promise, but you need to work on your dialogue and grammar. Perhaps get an editor. There are plenty of groups that can help you. On another note, make sure that the character isn't too OP without reason.
i get a good feeling from this. you my good sir(or madam
) get a like and a follow
I hate it when it says I can't rate things oh well
Well done my assassin friend but I would like to know why twi is a target
My this be a slaughter?
This intrigues me, and you got my like. When the next chapter or so comes out I'll evaluate it if it is favorites list material.
I like this. Continue!
2582546 All will be revealed (... Eventually)
Character seems OP
Aside from that, seems rushed and some characters seem OOC. Royalty just standing aside while the guards are killed for like the first half of the chapter...
Anyways, bad story so far.
2583948 GOD DAMIT I CAN'T TAKE IT UPDATE JUST UPDATE ALL READY...
...ok now that's done...I hope it's always going to be a blood bath for the assassin side... BLOOD MA AH AH HAHAHAHAHA*cough cough* sorry I have a cold
2583994 bah it will improve sometime but it's not that bad as you say and I bet if you write a story your OC would be a little OP so I nether you can judge
2584116 OOC characters? Extremely rushed scene?
2584101 A cold heart perhaps (like mine) hehe
but all will be revealed
i.imgur.com/qBB3LWu.gif
2584135 Cold heart? I thought someone crushed his ribcage and he never got that looked at (like a certain someone never did in Episode III)
2584357 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I don't get it
2584431 "this is going to be good...
"
2584120 eeyup
2584135 we need a burning building...just saying...*grabs a flamethrower*
2584363 I'm so confused
Killing off Luna? I hope you know what you're doing...
Dam my favored princess is dead this is not good for the NLR oh well continue on
I like this already
... If your going to kill Luna off this soon then you really shouldn't have a Luna tag.
Alright people Luna died..... I know! I wrote the story
This is going to be a long story so just hold out for a while and everything will make sense ( you'll understand soon )
Hmmm, a royal death? I like this, continue my good man!!!
2585443 hey listen to this song and imagine burning EVERYTHING!!!!!! "Make it bun dem" by junior gong and skrillex
I might write the next fight scene whilst listening to it
2588987 thank you but I all ready have song when I'm burning things to the ground BURN IT TO THE GROUND MUHAHAHA
hmmmmm, intriguing...
quite so
Oh jizz this is going to be good
Luna is alive?
What body did they burry???
2591772they didn't bury her she was placed in a crypt they don't bury bodies in a crypt
She's alive, but she's... Broken... This will be interesting...
Awesome!
Do Continue. I have some advice for you:
Try to space your conversations out like this:
"Blah blah blah." Said #1
"Blahblahblah blah?" Said #2
If you space out your conversations like this more the speaking part would be more dicernable and easy to read.
Also try to detail the scenery and cherector expressions more. If you don't describe stuff they don't have depth in their emotions of fear, hate, etc. Here is an example:
Luna stared back at the creature with wide eyes, a look of fear plastered across her face.
If you use these illiteration techniques as well as describe the scenery more than this would be very good to read.
Last piece of advice would be try to slow down the progress of events. I think for this total word count there is too much going on. It seems rushed. It may be just me but the crypt scene alone should have been 2K words minimum.
Thanks for listening, and love your story!
~Cirrus Brony
good story so far
. some oc names that are mine and my buddys are (you have permission to use)
-dark armor
-boulder dash
-flaming arrow
-soft kitty
-flash frezze
-juggernaut
(pweaz dont kill off luna she is bestest princess)thanks
NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Well the hole kissing thing put me off so I'll be gone now.
2608852 you don't say! (please elaborate)
2609003 lol oh you
o holy shit this is AMAZING!
keep going.
2603186 cheers man!
don't stop writing this, finally found a good dark story that revolves around Luna. it's got a lot of mystery to it as well. bravo
A higher order above the alicorn princesses... We have a few ideas in common, at least, but yours seem kinda opposite of mine. Oh well, you'll see that someday.
Syren seems to be much more than the standard evil villain that's evil by nature and no other reason. This story's getting tracked.
google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&docid=GP9Z97JDCi34ZM&tbnid=q2JvzleeSOra2M:&ved=0CAUQjRw&url=https%3A%2F%2Fblogs.montclair.edu%2Fcwe%2F2013%2F03%2F07%2Fgrammar-grammar-gives-you-power%2F&ei=Oi7BUcrgC8H54AOJ3YHYBA&bvm=bv.47883778,d.dmg&psig=AFQjCNH1jHMeysrb7eRutNIipABcz017Ww&ust=1371700996994728
WAIT WHAT THE HELL?!
I'm too confused to keep it as a favorite and too dark
So that's one less book out of my list of books that I liked
2745944
That is very much okay. I'm sorry you don't get it now but perhaps when I explain it better in the next chapters you might understand.
an UPDATE! thank you Jesus
2752078
Please tell me something I don't know
Great story cant wait for updates
I am loving this. The idea is genius as well as compelling. I'm really looking forward to more chapters!