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Under cover of night, Inkie and Blinkie confront a trespasser. He sways their hearts and minds with promises of adventure and discovery, and with his help, they break open a sealed passage into the heart of the rock farm. Tracing the glowing ore veins deeper into the darkness, they plummet through a false sun into a pocket dimension whose architect is an abomination older than Equestria and a personal friend of the trespasser's companion.
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Another Slice of Pie took awhile because I wanted to finish the whole story before posting it. I'll post the rest over the next few days. That's fair, right? That's also how I'll be posting my next two stories. Pinkie, My Pinkie should be quick, but The Equestrian Dark Age will take awhile.
The Pie sisters have tags now, just so you know. If the Pie sisters were voiced, what would they sound like?
I've gone back through this chapter twice, and it gets a bit more terrifying each time.
Wait, since when does Pinkie have wings? I think I missed something.
5249902
Thank you. That goes to show how old this story is.
5250280
How curious! That wasn't my intent, but I certainly don't object.
5254342
It's a very old concept. Lauren Faust first imagined her as a pegasus pony, but there were copyright issues. How she can change forms in story is explained... somewhere, and further explained elsewhere.
5254600 'Kay. I knew Pinkie was originally gonna be a Pegasus, I just wasn't sure why she was in this story.
This did wind up well, and I'm happy to have seen it through to its conclusion.
5263991
I'm glad you think so. It may not be my best work, but I enjoyed writing it.
Howdy once more, The Fool. B_P from WRITE here, past the hectic times of finals and Christmas and New Years to give you the review you definitely deserved to get a good deal sooner. Apologies. Let’s get right to it.
Mechanics and Style:
You’re now the first person to whom I’ve given three reviews under the WRITE banner, and because of that (for the most part), you’re also far and away the client of ours with whom I have the most past experience to draw from. There’s been long-standing mechanical and/or sylistic issues you’ve heard about from me once or twice in the past, and I’m going into this hoping for some further improvements in those areas.
I seem to recall covering this in the past (though I suppose it’s relatively minor and easy to forget), but the accepted way to interrupt dialogue with narration would be like so:
Em dashes outside the quotes, no other punctuation, and the first letter of the interrupting sentence isn’t capitalized like a normal sentence. All of this because the whole mass of dialogue and naration is essentially acting like a single sentence, similar to how dialogue works when given a dialogue tag.
I don’t, uh…
I don’t think that…
Wait, what the flying—
It’s clear that you know well the rule about ending clauses in prepositions, but there are problems here. First off, that third one wouldn’t have been at the end of the clause, so the change was fully unwarranted. More pressing, though, is the fact that all of these sound just awful—it took me far too much effort to parse them for how little they mattered. That first one, especially; if you were going to be following this silly rule to the letter, why not go with something halfway sensible like “[…] there was nothing left with which it might sustain itself.”? My opinions are my opinions, but this feels like a definite loss on the cost–benefit spectrum.
And I am literally figuratively being stabbed here, man.
There’s a one-off but frustrating issue with scene transition—namely the first chapter’s first scene’s transition into the second. It’s nonexistent. It felt like you were trying to leave off on what was supposed to be a big reveal (Eris is a draconequus), but was actually obvious given the character's description and what that name is usually used for (Rule 63’d Discord). In that way, the first scene sort of petered out, which would normally be okay, but when it prefaces such a substantial time-skip, it bothers.
Here’s one that I know has come up each time I’ve come along for a review:
This is confusingly worded, in that both Inkie and Blinkie are represented as she/her. This leaves it unclear who’s leaving, and while that’s elaborated on in the following paragraph, anyone who misinterprets it here might have to stop and re-read once the next paragraph explains. This pronoun confusion happens many more times throughout the piece.
There are times here and there when commas aren't strong enough to do what you want them to do. There are also times throughout where I personally would have gone with em dashes just because I tend to prefer them, but in spots like these, the meaning really gets confusing with commas—I thought that second sentence was going to be a fragment (i.e. the “though” showing a contradiction with the previous sentence rather than with the last part of the current one) right up until the moment that it wasn’t, so I had to go back and read it again. Again, though, there were also a number of times when I would recommend em dashes over commas even if the current state isn’t as confusing as that, like in the following snippet from the second chapter:
In areas like that, the presence of other commas in the sentence make me expect something other than a parenthetical. Just a bit of added awkwardness.
There’s a considerable problem in this scene where Igneous answers the door. Inkie is your perspective character, and she’s no longer present in the scene, yet everything is described as though she’s there to see it. Igneous is still called “Father” and such even while Skyline’s “winning smile” is described. I admit that I didn’t see this problem my first time reading through the scene, but after I noticed it, it broke immersion pretty hard. Edit from the future me: Oh, Blinkie is the perspective character now? That nothing was there to mark the shift seems a little odd. Edit again: See, now I’m getting really confused. The narration says
like Skyline is now the perspective character, and then it immediately uses “Father” for Igneous again. I’m getting the sense that you might not’ve thought your perspective all the way through.
This is a small thing in the long run, but “by way of explanation” is redundant, really. If you’re set on keeping it for style, I’d suggest removing the comma that’s just before it, since that pause calls extra attention to it. There’s another issue here, though, and honestly, I don’t know whether or not it’s legal: using a simple “and” to connect an additional action onto a dialogue tag. It’s easier to notice a little later on, here:
This sounds wrong to me, and I can name some reasons why, but I can’t offer you any proof that it’s actually a rule or anything. The biggest problem, I think, is that my brain wants to read this like both actions (the saying and the sitting) are about the speech, and that obviously feels wrong once it actually recognizes the words. I had a small discussion in the WRITE chat about this, during which no consensus was reached, but an example sentence that’s similar in feel that I came up with is the following: “The book, I read and placed on the mantlepiece.” Both actions are things being done to the book by me. Likewise, saying and sitting feel like things being done to the words “Some unicorn pony” by Igneous. The consensus we did reach in the WRITE chat was that, whether or not it’s legal, better options exist. The one I’d probably recommend most strongly would be to add in a comma before the “and” and a “he” after, to really drive home that “sat” isn’t trying to take an object. Definitely look for this sort of form throughout the piece, as it feels pretty strange compared to the relative smoothness of the rest of the prose, at least to me.
There’s typos every now and again, but one is right in the first sentence of the second chapter:
Chapter two in general seems a little less carefully edited, typo-wise. Others include the following:
I’m not here to cover minor individual errors, so just know that they’re there and that you need to take another look through the fic—I’m sure you can catch these. Or grab a proofreader, if you care to.
There was a typo that came up frequently, however, so I guess it’s less a typo and more a bad habit, so I’ll pop a mention in.
Past tense of “lead” is “led”. And now that I think of it, you often said “awhile” when you meant “a while”, like here:
The perspective is really falling apart, man. Who thinks the look would be comical? There are two characters in this scene, and one is the one making the look while the other hasn’t seen it yet. I can only attribute the thought to the narrator, and that’s the worst option. Plus they’re still being called Mother and Father. If it turns out that Eris is narrating this whole story, I’m going to be very something.
Plot and Characterization:
I want to cover a few small plot holes (at least, that’s what they look like to me, if only for a moment), first.
Small question: Does Maud not exist in this story’s canon? I recall you saying something somewhere about this story being in the works for a while, but did you not want to go back and change anything with more recent canon in mind? Or have you just not kept up with the show?
This is, I believe, the first appearance of Cloudy Quartz. Without preamble, she’s simply there, in a room that had been the location of the previous scene. I had actually been wondering during said scene where she even was, since the story had made reference to the fact that she was apparently good at knowing what to say in situations like the one they’d just— And it seems the next paragraph tells me why she’s there. Why not move the little parenthetical about her slipping in up to here where she’s first mentioned? It would definitely save some confusion.
This comes out of left field, I think. You haven’t shown a full conversation between the two characters, so to hear that they’re insistent about anything regarding one another seems strange.
Moving on. I’ll say that, as per usual, I loved the OCs, or at least most of them. The opening sequence could have easily been a cliché, if not for how much solid uniqueness Granite brought to the table. Eris was exactly what she should have been in the context of the story, which was decidedly not a Discord clone or some random, outwardly insane person. Skyline… I felt a little less strongly about. He was distinctive, but his propensity for monologues and lack of other noteworthy dialogue—coupled with comparatively little characterization, I felt—made him come off a bit bland to me.
Your canon main/side characters shined more than I’m used to, though, so good work. The pair of sisters in particular, I loved, and your Discord was spot on for what little proverbial screentime he had. I can’t say much more than that, really—you gave your characters meaningful roles and carried through on them admirably enough. Though, part of me wants to say that Pinkie might have been a slight weak point in that regard, given that she appears on the scene a little bewilderingly (I’m aware of the irony of me saying that) and she didn’t seem to have much of an arc, especially considering that Igneous’s explanation was left out unless I’m blind.
In terms of plot, I’ll say that it’s far from what the description had had me expecting—it was far more grounded, at the very least. Which isn’t to say I wasn’t sucked in, of course. The first chapter and the final two, in particular, really had their moments where it became difficult to remember I wasn’t just here for fun. The second (excepting the very start) and third (up to Eris) chapters dragged a little bit for me, and strangely, I think it might’ve been because it shifted away from the slice of life feel of the first. Once Eris came into the picture, though, that feel came back, and things seemed very natural again. Maybe it’s just personal preference? I’m not sure, really, but the quiet moments and the close-ups were probably what I felt worked the best in this piece, even if the more tense moments had their parts to play in the plot.
Lastly, I’ll note that you seem to have a thing for giving Celestia and Luna villain race origin stories, huh?
Conclusion:
You card, you.
There are improvements here that I’m very happy to have seen, particularly in terms of characterization (always liked your OCs, but I recall being a bit shakier with regards to your takes on existing characters) and the flow of the prose (see: confusing and/or boring lists of actions, weird similes, and a number of other things I used to complain about). It’s not perfect, of course—I’d say you should definitely work on the confusing bits like vague pronouns and weak parenthetical handling—but in those departments, it felt like a nice step forward.
In other ways, I’d say you took a step back. Most notably, I think, in terms of the perspective. Who was this mystery narrator who knew of Prometheus and cartoons and “our” universe relative to “their” universe? It really didn’t fit the tone of the story, and while having a window into the minds of all characters at once was beneficial at times, I can’t help but think it could have been handled more gracefully. The problem started small, but it grew to be easily my biggest complaint about the piece.
That said, I still liked it a great deal, and I think it’s been criminally under-viewed. I’m probably going to bring it up on my next SA round, but no promises. Fine work, all the same.
Sorry again about the wait, and I hope it was worth it.
i.imgur.com/LpCkJoq.png
-- Burraku_Pansa, WRITE's Trainer Admin and Resident Namesmith
5486765
Thank you for the review. I've been working on other projects anyway. Now I can come back with a clear head. I won't belabor every point you make, as I usually do, but I'll try not to gloss over any either.
Mechanics and Style
Pronouns are the trickiest bastards. Too many, and nothing is clear. Too few, and you either have redundancy, the impression of redundancy, or those god-awful epithets.
All these grammatical horror shows have driven me to buy a copy of The Chicago Manual of Style. Maybe reading it cover to cover will undo some of my ingrained habits. Knowing it's such a horror show is probably where all the obtuse adherence to the few rules I can wrap my head around comes from.
How many em dashes are too many?
And because the point of view is such a mess, how does one establish a third-person omniscient narrator? Do I just have to make it clear from the beginning that someone other than the characters is telling the story? Clearly, shifting perspective so often that there can be no other explanation doesn't cut it. I thought about having it be Eris, but that has its own host of complications.
Plot and Characterization
No, Maud doesn't exist in this story. That's partly me being obtuse and partly her seeming to have no place in it. I don't know, though. If she studied in Canterlot, maybe she could replace Skyline. Only that would change all the dynamics, and something would have to stand in for the role of his magic.
I'm glad you liked the OCs. I think Skyline has potential. Maybe I just didn't capitalize on all of it.
Those transitional chapters could probably be cut entirely. I'm reminded too much of the analogy about showing the entire drive to the store when it could be covered with a few lines of telling. That would mean reworking the story. I'm probably going to have to do that anyway.
And yes, alicorns have to come from somewhere. Why not the darkest reaches of the past?
Conclusion
Haha!
I'm glad to hear that about existing characters. Pinkie in particular is tricky, for all that I feel I understand her so well. Writing her is another matter.
Regarding point of view, I probably wouldn't lose much by adopting third-person limited. I'd still be changing perspective every scene--that's a given--but I've never had complaints about that before. I suppose I was trying to show everything I wanted to show but being too lazy or too drunk to do it right. Half this story was co-written with a bottle of absinthe.
In the past, I've asked for reviews in the interest of doing better next time. This time, I'm determined to get this bloody thing to a standard Equestria Daily deems publishable. I heard from them about a week before I heard from you. They had much the same complaints, but they too thought it was close.
Just not close enough to start breaking out the cigars.
Do you smoke, Burraku_Pansa? If you're ever down in Portland, have me buy you all the cigars. For putting up with me, you deserve them.
I might ask you to review one more story. It's the last one I plan on writing. The Equestrian Dark Age. I've done the outline but none of the writing. Like this one, it'll be a complete story before I publish any of it. Before I formally request your services, though, I'd like to know if you'd be up for that.
Maybe I can apply your input before it's published.
5488619
I'm afraid I don't find myself in Oregon and/or Maine very often, and nah, I'm not a smoker. Appreciate the thought, though.
It's personal preference, of course. They should be used instead of commas where you have too many commas or things are otherwise vague, but if you find yourself in that situation often, it might be better to reword a sentence here or there to avoid the need entirely.
Here's the thing: the perspective here didn't feel like third-person omniscient to me, or at least not fully. It already felt like third-person limited (because I tend to associate with third-person limited perspective things like narration in a given character's voice while also being in the third person), except a very confused kind where the character whose shoulder we were seeing over kept switching again and again. Except also not, since it had aspects of the Pie sisters' voices (the way Igenous and Cloudy were called "Father" and "Mother") the whole way through, no matter whose head we were in. Except also really not, because the narrator knew things someone living in that world wouldn't know and spoke as such. A truer omniscient narrator or a truer limited one would both be valid options, since at the moment, I couldn't really say this story has either consistently.
If omniscient is what you want, I'd say you simply shouldn't give the narrator quirks that can be readily associated with the characters. And since this is a relatively serious piece, I'd further recommend giving it few quirks at all—the way this narrator sounded like he or she was from our world felt oddly comedic for the piece, to me. If limited is what you want, I think you could get away with sticking to Inkie and Blinkie's heads and nobody else's, because I think they were in every scene but the ones about Eris and Jasper, no? I think if you set it up early and right, you could even be in both their heads at once in each scene they're together without it reading too strangely, since they have such a strong bond and some common mannerisms. That would make Eris/Jasper scenes (and also that Pinkie/Eris scene, come to think of it) troublesome, though. I have no good suggestions in that department.
Regarding editing The Equestrian Dark Age, I tentatively accept. I warn you, though: the past three or four times I've had an editing obligation, something has always come up or I just haven't had the time in general.
Last thing: want to PM me that EQD rejection? I've helped people get through that barrier in the past, pointing out where the instances of what the pre-readers caught are.
5490022
If you can shed more light on it, that would be damn decent of you. I'll send it over posthaste. Thank you again for your service.
This has one of the best descriptions on the site. I haven't read it yet, and I don't have the time to right now, but this comment is a promise that I will (there is a reason I am following you after all).
5544818
Ah, well, thank you! If you're not in too much of a hurry, you might want to wait until I finish all the revisions. It's going to be awhile, but the story will be much more cohesive.
5544958
I think I might do just that - the longer wait will make the payoff all the sweeter.
And I wasn't kidding about the best description thing. Seriously.
5544964
I'm pretty good at those, aren't I?
I wish I could finish it sooner, but life gets in the way.
You can has review!