This is going to be a fair amount of work to become complete. I'm going to collect urls for the comments I've made on stories as reviews, as well as copy the text of those reviews in this thread. Maybe I'll be able to complete this task and have a single place to read them all.

If you want to help, give me a link to one of my reviews if it isn't in this thread. I'd appreciate it.

Hard Reset, by Eakin

I'm at a loss for what to really say about this story. Too many topics to cover.

The exploration of the psychological and moral sides of things are truly deeply done in this story. At times it comes across as comedy, simply because that is how the mind reacts to horror. At times it is easy to get lost in the selfish view of how much life sucks for you personally, how this curse would be traumatic to live under. Then it brings about the whole greater level of tragedy when you realize how much bigger the situation is than just the self, just Twilight.

It would also be far too easy to just "they lived happily ever after" with it too. The fact that it wasn't all just a dream, that Twilight suffered real pain, really experienced violence and even her own morals slipping is easy to ignore when she's bashing changeling with a bat while wearing a little black dress. Remembering it the next day is the worst. Questioning who you even are is such an overlooked and glossed over aspect of this kind of story that I was shocked and touched to see it included here. Real consequences resulting from her actions, even if they "went away" due to a reset are what truly make this story excellent.

Another thing that really stood out to me is how efficient the narrative can be at times. Rather than detail every moment from a particular reset the story skips right to the action. Rather than depict each death in grisly detail, we're left to our own imaginations a lot of the time. Scenes like the one with Luna in bed are not only outstanding for their own wordcount, but also for the volumes they speak of how Twilight must have gotten to that point. How many times did she try, fail to woo Luna, then die to reset and try again? What was the correct path to get into bed with her ultimately? What did Twilight do to break out of that path and loop again? Making use of her curse to do things like that, talk to her parents, and so on speaks volumes of the kind of planning and at times ruthless efficiency Twilight went through while looping.

It would be too easy to bog down into little details and examples. I think those two key points really are the important ones though. I see that this is a series though, so I'm looking forward to reading the sequel when I have time to do so.

Not Another Good Guy, by 8542Madness

Thank you for submitting this story to my group.

The HiE group is large, and it is no secret to anyone that the whole "humans in Equestria" thing is extremely popular. Most are aware that it is also highly polarizing, with those who like it being enamored with it, and those who don't like it shunning it. I find myself in the latter camp. Whatever spark lights the imagination of writers and fans of HiE is missing in me. Even when a story is well-written, the hooks and draw of the story miss with me. Despite my efforts to try, it has proven consistent that stories centered around this concept just don't do it for me.

So this represents another honest effort for me, despite not being the target audience, to give a HiE story a chance. That said, I only made it to ch5. At this point, the story isn't complete so even if I did read to the end of what is currently written, I wouldn't be reading to the end anyway.

On to the review itself. I don't think I will be speaking of anything especially spoilery, due to being the "beginning" of the story, but as usual, this is a review and if you're especially sensitive to spoilers (like I am myself) read the story first.

The characterization for the ponies in the story is passable. Of them all, we only get to spend any significant amount of time (remember, beyond ch5 can change totally) with Twilight Sparkle, and she's rather believable. The little snippets of time we interact with the rest of the M6 are all brief, but feel "right" for the context, such as Fluttershy being catatonic during Main Character's jobhunt. AJ's reaction might be debatable, as she reacts fairly coldly towards him, but it isn't "wrong" especially when you consider that he did burn down some of her property. It is also obviously necessary for the plot at this point.

The character for the human is... odd. He seems to be suffering from amnesia. Whatever/whoever he talks with in his head, the "rebooting" sequence towards the start, and the painful jolts of recollection kept me mildly interested for the first few chapters, and about the point where they started to really wear thin, the story moved on to more actual stuff happening. His apparent past as a pyromaniac is a little bit troubling but contrasts with his apparent strong sense of moral values demonstrated by his resolve to make amends for the damage he caused. All in all, he does seem like a somewhat interesting character to read about, and that did form a lot of the interest that kept me from bailing on the story earlier than I did.

Outside of strictly character-oriented feedback, I'd like to point out that this story appears to avoid some of the "formula" that is necessary for most HiE stories. Generally the HiE formula is: Step 1, describe your human main character's life and let us get to know his personality in Earth. Step 2, describe how they get to Equestria. Try to be creative with this. Step 3, go through the motions of their initial reaction to being in an alien setting, encounter with ponies, and eventual integration with them, at least temporarily. Step 4, plot happens. This can range from as simple as "pony (or ponies)" want to sex up the main character/author insert, to some crisis faces Equestria that the human has to save everyone from. Usually with special powers.

Notice I said some. Rather than go through the early motions, this story skips to having him wake up in Equestria (Step 3) and I'm assuming we'll get "Step 1" as he remembers more and more of himself, and Step 2 may be revealed at some point. It doesn't seem like step 4 was happening yet by the time I stopped reading. I'm sure it's a clever plotline based on what I did read so far though. So at least for as much as I read, the story is doing a pretty good job of standing out from all the other generic HiE stories with it's structure.

On to the technical stuff.

Not much to say here. I didn't notice any glaring problems with grammar, formatting, or so on. A lot of the scenes, particularly in chapter 5 being most fresh in my memory, were very short. There was a lot of "jumpiness" that failed to really sell the growing frustration and anger felt by the main character as a result.

On to the bad,

Probably the most I came out of this story with is that it was still just... "not pony." There is this sort of feel that attracts me to the show, and it is mostly based around the characters within it. It's not just E-rated stories, a particular genre, or even something specifically wrong with humans themselves as I'm also a fan of Equestria Girls. Whatever was going on in this story revolves around this new and (so far) nameless character, that not only literally is not a pony, but doesn't fit in to the society and world of pony.

In order for me to really get "into" this story, I'd have to be interested in this character, his plight, and care about what happens to him. The amnesia thing was a decent initial hook, but it became apparent that either it would crumble away to reveal the real character over time, or it would remain a permanent veil and turn from interesting to annoying. Some human with strange magic healing ability doesn't make me interested. Some human with a dark and edgy past doesn't interest me. What would interest me is someone with personality that I am entertained by, which wasn't happening here.

I think it boils down to the kinds of discussions I've seen in a few different groups. There is this idea of "OP" (overpowered). A lot of authors struggle to make interesting characters with neat powers, and worry that some ability is OP. While OP is a concern in, say, World of Warcraft where class/race combinations should all be fairly balanced. There is some degree of concern for OP in any setting where PVP(Player vs Player) is a primary concern, and in many PVE (Player vs Environment) where the OP element detracts from fun in a game by removing too much challenge.

When writing a story though, OP is missing the point. Ability A or Skill B is not OP, unless those things don't match well with the setting. Superman isn't OP because he faces conflicts suitable to his level of power. His conflicts are more moral in nature rather than brawn vs brawn. Goku is not OP because he faces opponents who are similarly ridiculous in power level.

The issue is not OP in this story. The issue is that abilities don't make for interesting characters. Superman isn't interesting because he's strong, flies, x-ray vision, and so on. Well, bad example. I find Superman super boring. Goku as well. Take Deadpool then. He's funny. He has super healing and is practically immortal as well, but his humor often gets a laugh out of me. But he isn't any more funny to me than House M.D. is. House doesn't have super healing, isn't a mercenary that kills people, and so on. But he's got personality. He's interesting. The fact that he is a doctor is irrelevant, because he'd be amusing in any job that has him interacting with others.

There are a few hints of personality that might prove interesting with this main character. But they're buried beneath the amnesia gimmick, and most of the story focus so far is on the situation and the powers, rather than the person.

And that person isn't pony.

Author Response

Thank you very much for taking the time to look at my story, and thanks for making it as far as you did. Since this story is my literal first attempt at writing fiction, I'm not shocked that you only could make it to chapter five in spite of all the attempts I've made at fixing it since then. I've been consoling myself with the knowledge that the latests chapters have been of higher quality, but that doesn't excuse shoddy character usage in the beginning. I can't expect people to push through 50k words of poor writing to get a good story.

Thanks to you, I now have an even better understanding of what I need to improve upon in the future and potentially fix this story (again) with. Hopefully, the future will hold a chance for me to use this knowledge in full to make this story into something I can proudly display to others.

You've helped me improve, and for that I can never thank you enough.

From a Shimmer to a Shine

So, for starters, thank you for notifying me of the completeness of this story. As explicitly requested, here is my review, feedback, opinions, etc.

Re-imagining the canon content into a different story is actually the portal through which I found myself in MLP fanfiction in the beginning. I've also looked into and enjoyed a couple of other 'verses, and enjoyed them. Even my own (still a work in progress) story contains a close depiction of a canon scene, though told very much through a specific character's point of view than what was shown on screen. Taking not just the characters and setting from the show, but also the events and stories of the show and building on them in various ways is part of the heart of fanfiction.

Like many, I'm also a pretty big fan of Rainbow Rocks, love what they did with Sunset Shimmer, and am enamored with the villains as well. Just as I enjoyed seeing others' alternate versions of the main show canon exploring "what if's" I'm already pretty receptive to the same being done with Rainbow Rocks. In short, I feel I am very much the target audience for this kind of story.

On to the premise. While it is clear that a lot of things were done to the basic story of RR, and it ends up diverging rather wildly, most of the 'verses I mentioned above have a pretty solid and straight forward "what if" they are following. Winningverse focuses mostly around Cloud Kicker, a background pony we often see in Ponyville. This gives us a more "little guy" view of a lot of the events while the main characters are off doing heroic stuff center stage. Dashverse takes the idea of Rainbow Dash and her Sonic Rainboom as being more central to the 'verse, making her Celestia's student instead of Twilight. It is a rather interesting character piece, and explores a tonal shift to the show's story that is fascinating to read. Lunaverse goes even further and makes Luna the "good sister" while Celestia, the Sun Tyrant, escapes after a thousand years. It also has a completely alternate main cast (The L6) led by Trixie.

There is no real clear "what if" for this story. Instead it seems to merely want to "amp up" some of the drama. The hostility Sunset Shimmer faces post-EqG1 is notched up. Celestia arrives directly in response to Sunset's text message, The Dazzlings are notably more brutal, and there is more violence. All in all, it feels like perhaps the "what if" of this story is along the lines of "lets make this more shounen!"

So lets look at the tags the story has, and evaluate those for some clues. [Sad][Slice of Life][Alternate Universe][Human]. The [AU] and [Human] tags need no real explanation, as they're both more or less required for any Equestria Girls story, with the [AU] tag performing double duty in that this story is AU to the canon AU.

Unsurprisingly, this story misuses the [Sad] tag. This one is rather debatable, as at least the initial portions of the story very much do focus on how bad life is for Sunset, and so on. I think though, the fact that this story "follows" Rainbow Rocks and we know the focus is going to be on the conflict with the Dazzlings, it's hard to really get too into feeling sad for Sunset. In the end, this is a story with some sad stuff in it, not a [Sad] story. At no point did it feel like the focus of the story was on the emotion, and what was there was presented in a practical sense that all fell to the wayside in a predictable way. We know things get better for Sunset. The story fails to make us doubt that certainty ever.

I'm frankly baffled about the presence of the [SoL] tag. Rainbow Rocks was an adventure. This story is more adventure. The hallmarks of an adventure story are the scale of things. Sirens showing up and mind-controlling the school, world domination plots, and cross-dimensional level threats are not Slice of Life. Pretty impressive mis-tagging there.

Now on to the missing tag, [Gore]. From the FAQ:

When should I use the ‘Sex’ and ‘Gore’ tags?

This is simple enough: use ‘Gore' when there is explicit description of violence/grotesque imagery in your story, and use ‘Sex' when there's... well... sex. On a Teen-rated story, ‘Sex' can be used to indicate sexual humor or situations that are heated but don't have explicit sex, while ‘Gore’ can be used to indicate the presence of blood or violence that isn’t described in too much detail.

Which also brings us to the [E] Rating given to this story, when it is pretty clearly [T]. The fight scenes at the end, especially those with Adagio, are much more detailed than the cartoony fight between Twilight Sparkle and Tirek in the S4 finale. I feel that fight probably should serve as the absolute maximum you could get away with in an [E] story. Shimmer to a Shine goes plenty well past it with the depictions of injury (including blood) suffered by the girls.

Given Twilight Sparkle's capture, imprisonment, torture, and eventual forced betrayal of her friends through mind control, as well as the focus on Adagio's more vicious personality and the rather callous deaths handed out, [and] the interaction with Searing, it seems there is plenty of reasoning to add the [Dark] tag as well. The S3 opener, Crystal Empire Parts I & II, with Sombra probably serve as a good limit on how "dark" something can be without needing the tag. Also from S3, Magic Duel depicting a corrupted Trixie forcing Ponyville to do her bidding would be pushing the limits as well.

These are easy fixes to the tags. I have no disagreement with the character tags chosen. While present in the story, the rest of the M6 were not central to the story. The same for the other two sirens.

So, given the apparent goal of making things more gritty, more violent, and more threatening than the show, despite the failures to tag, what did the story get right?

There were a few parts that stood out. The interactions between Sunset Shimmer and Princess Celestia are probably amongst the best highlights of the story. Even when she is involved directly, her "lead from behind" style tends to show through. She arrives to visit Sunset in the beginning, but then does so to leave some letters for Sunset to read. After the Rainbooms split off to do recon, the two fall into what looks like natural student/teach roles, with Celestia getting Sunset to go look for Twilight without telling her explicitly to do so.

While not strictly "better" than how they operated in the movie, the sirens in this story were very much more aggressive, ruthless, and powerful. While the topic of just how scary and powerful they were in Rainbow Rocks is worthy of it's own discussion, or perhaps a blog, the Dazzlings of this story managed to portray a much more dire and arrogant tone.

And finally, Sunset herself managed to feel like even more a focus of this story than she did in RR. There was clearly a lot of effort spent bringing out her situation, thoughts, and building her up through the conflict into a hero, and the end conflict fell apart in a way that let her be much more of a hero than in RR.

As I noted, the story ended up feeling much more shounen. Removing things like a sleepover at Pinkie's, the growing tension between the Rainbooms, Twilight's crisis of everyone assuming she'd have the answers when she didn't, and so on removed a lot of the "personal" feel of the story, in order to focus on the "bad stuff is going on" and the scramble to fix it. Sunset's "journey" felt very much like any random anime male protagonist, like Naruto or that guy from Bleach. More or less, "don't give up." Even the end fight between Adagio and Sunset had a DBZ-feel of Sunset accepting vaguely undefined "energy" donated in unexplained ways from her fallen friends to let her power up enough to win. Though, to be fair, this sort of phenomenon did happen in Sailor Moon too, though that being shoujo is yet another debate.

On to the technical side. I've noticed that there are a lot of grammar fixes suggested in the comments already. I dunno if all the errors were caught, but the story is fairly readable at this point.

However, the chapters are all incredibly short, and many of them cut off with no real feel for why. Many of the scene breaks are similarly unintuitive, with with natural time elapses that would be scene breaks not being split, and so on. Almost every scene feels much too short, and the entire story feels fragmented and much too quickly paced. The total wordcount of the story is just over 20k words, which is a sort of awkward place between short story and novella, both of which typically don't bother with chapters at all. Being split into 13 chapters implies it was intended to follow a structure of a novel, which should be about double the total length.

Given the incredibly short and numerous chapters, the constant author's notes after each and every one further disrupted the story. While I'm sure they served some purpose while the story was incomplete, now that the story is finished, asking me if you should continue the story is worthless, as is telling me how many chapters remain. Telling me this or the next chapter is going to be "good" almost insures that I'm going to enjoy it less.

One formatting choice I did enjoy was the conversation with Vinyl Scratch via cellphone texting, using underlines. It was slightly distracting, but not too much to interfere with reading the story, and it was pretty clear exactly what it was for.

Some people like embedded links to videos and such in their stories. I'm not much of a fan, and didn't bother clicking any of them on the first read through. Later on, when I clicked the one for Sunset's transformation sequence, I literally facepalmed, shook my head, and groaned.

The action scenes, much like everything else in the story, lacked in detail, were rushed, and just didn't have much "impact" to them. Obviously it is a bit harder to convey highly visual stuff like action in pure text, so I can't really hammer on this aspect too hard, but considering that the whole story was basically trying to rework RR into these fight scenes at the end, this is kind of an important failure.

Celestia taking on Aria and Sonata was incredibly disappointing. It had cheesy lines, it had violence, but it ended rather abruptly and resulted in the apparent actual death of those two. It was jarring, and frankly with how little of their personality you bothered to bring into the story, it was questionable why you bothered to even keep them in the story at all.

Celestia being defeated by Adagio was not a giant problem, though it did kind of make it feel rather worthless for her to have been important to the story. Her being directly involved was supposed to be important to the story, but in the end all she directly contributed was the death of two minions who, in this story, didn't really do much anyway. What ends up weird though is that Adagio doesn't drain her magic or kill her. Supposedly Adagio is angry that her two sisters/friends/minions/people she's hung out with for centuries/whatever you want to call them were just killed. But that doesn't matter because shounen. Yet, the princess of Equestria is there helpless at her feet, an obvious source of great power as well as a potentially very dangerous opponent for the "invade Equestria next" part of her goals, and it would "take too long."

And then the portal is sealed just by sticking a metal plate over it. This thwarts Celestia's attempts to return for the remainder of the story.

Then, as mentioned in my previous comment, by others, by EqD, and as per our conversation in private, the already fairly lazy story is marred by the entire chapter 3, and the first scene of chapter 4. I feel they're plagiarism, and while they may not count as such they're still shitty writing. Since you seem incapable of understanding how or why, let me take this opportunity to do your job for you, since you've repeatedly demonstrated you sincerely do not understand how to write your own story.

Ch3 has two scenes: The scene from RR in the school gym/multi-purpose room and the scene from RR where the Rainbooms are practicing while Sunset watches. The first scene of Ch4 is the scene from RR where Sunset shows the Dazzlings around the school.

The first of these scenes is supposed to give us a view of Sunset being threatened by Trixie (and Trixie's minions). This is supposed to show how much more hostile the students are towards her compared to what we saw in RR. Instead of recreating this scene to serve this purpose, you could have just come up with your own original scene. You'd already spent the first two chapters doing that. Picture this: Sunset is on her way between classes, on her way home after school, or on her way too school in the morning. She's alone, and Trixie (and Trixie's minions) stop her. They have the same dialogue between them. Easy fix. You keep the part of your story that is original and was added to those canon scenes, put it into a scene fully of your own creation, and poof! like magic, problem compeltely solved. You lose nothing.

Second scene seems to serve no actual purpose to the story at all, and the only difference is that you mention that Vinyl Scratch had the idea to start the band and provided equipment. This ends up not being important really at all to the story. In RR this scene served to showcase that the girls still transformed when they played, gave us some of our first indications of the internal conflicts within the Rainbooms, as well as being some of the better characterization of Sunset in the movie. None of this is important to your story, as the Rainbooms' internal conflicts are ignored entirely, Sunset's characterization is already being handled in more detail already for two chapters now, and the whole transformation and musical aspects of the story are entirely glossed over into background information that serves to take the Rainbooms out of the story while we focus on Sunset, Celestia, and Twilight. Unlike the first, I can't honestly suggest anything to make this scene better. Frankly you should just delete it outright. Not only does it not help your story, being a ripoff of the movie scene harms your story.

The third of these scenes has Sunset showing the Dazzlings around the school, and ends slightly differently from canon in that it showcases that the sirens are more than capable of mind-control already. It also removes almost all of the personality of the sirens as displayed in the movie with the few tweaks to their dialogue. Honestly, it too could be cut as the next scene where they actively mind-control Celestia and Luna demonstrates their power perfectly fine.

Now, these three scenes stand out in that they're very close copies of scenes from the movie. However, they do not stand out as unique among the scenes in the story that could be made much better. I'm not interested in going through the whole story line by line, holding your hand and pointing out how to shore up the overall structure of the story, make each scene more detailed and relevant to your own plot, and so on. It's not my story to write, and quite bluntly, I don't think the story is good enough to bother spending all that effort on.

If you want to make Sunset's situation more meaningful, you already have your story starting before the start of RR. Spend more time on that phase. Build up to Celestia's visit. Show us more scenes with Sunset being picked on. Bring us along for what is normal for her. Gives us some ups and downs.

If you want to make Celestia's involvement matter, give us more time hanging out with her. Why did she show up out of nowhere in what is currently Ch1? Have her more involved in the plot of the story. Did she try to meet her human counterpart and break the mind control? That seems like something she'd at least have the idea to try. Why didn't she bring Luna, Cadance, the rest of the Element Bearers? A battalion of her guards?

You raised Adagio's power notably. RR presented us with some weakened sirens barely subsisting on whatever they could coax out of this world. The point of the Battle of the Bands was to create enough conflict to power up on to get to mass-mind control powers. So why is your Adagio different? What background to your sirens have that Equestrian Magic is not nearly as important to them?

Those are just areas you could work on, depending on what precisely you wanted to do with your story, that could easily lead to much better overall story.

As it stands, you ripped out most of what was actually good about Rainbow Rocks, namely the personality and interactions between the characters. You twisted the plot around into something barely recognizable. Instead of being an homage to the silly, over-the-top rockband battles like Scott Pilgrim or The Pick of Destiny, you turned it into a generic shounen anime. Instead of giving us something interesting to read about in place of all you removed, you gave us fight scenes. You basically dumbed Rainbow Rocks down into Dragonball Z.

There are bad stories on this site. A lot of them are bad because they're not very creative. They take ideas nobody else cares about, like "I, the author, am now in Equestria and get to be with my pony waifu." There was obviously a lot more creativity put into your story than these other things. But a lot of that creative effort was spent taking something pretty good, and making it crap. The fact that you're focused on getting this thing onto EqD and even went and made your own TVTropes page for it displays a rather striking disconnect between your own vision of what you wrote compared to what the rest of us are seeing and reading. Sometimes I read stories that I feel were a waste of my time to read simply because they were boring. With your story and your overall attitude I wasn't just bored, I was rather offended. I abhor censorship, and even this story shouldn't be destroyed. But thank you for testing my resolve on that conviction.

Author Response

Wow, I feel like I just got ripped into by Simon Cowell. I find it amusing that you compared my story to a shonen because I don't pull much enjoyment from that type of genre.

First of all, I do admit that you've made several good points. Yes, the chapters were short and could have been longer. Yes, I may have mistagged the story because I wasn't sure which fit into what category. Yes, the fight scenes were intense, possibly too. I admit, I wrote those based on other fights I've seen in shows like Justice League, Avatar/Legend of Korra, Gravity Fall, etcs. All of which got away with some pretty nasty things despite being "for kids." Whether that justifies a "Gore" tag is up in the air for now.

As for the rest, I admit that this isn't my best work. This was my first time writing the characters and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with them. And while I'm not going to apologize for offending you with my work (at this point, I've learned that's inevitable regardless of the quality or lack thereof of the work), I understand where you're coming from.

As you've already seen, I've made several revisions to the story already. Perhaps even more in the future. But I get the sense that no matter how good I make this one, it won't measure up to your standards. Is that a bad thing? I don't know.

If nothing else, your comment, just like all the other ones, will help me learn better for the future. Obviously, this wasn't what you were looking for, but I didn't write this for you.

Remember, this was a first effort. And whether your statements have merit or not, the amount of support I received has convinced me to keep writing. And hopefully as I continue, my work will improve. And that's the important part.

Even though, I don't care for your tone, I do appreciate you taking the time to critique my story. Perhaps one day you'll find something better in the future.

Rotten Apple, by Arwhale

Thank you for submitting this to my group.

I'm going to open up by saying that when people are trying to find those criminally underrated stories, those hidden gems, or those well-written stories that belong in the feature box or whatever, but simply don't get as much attention as all the porn and clickbait, this is what they're looking for.

Now, I'm not a big fan of Applejack, and by extension her family to include Apple Bloom. Out of the CMC I like Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle quite a bit more, and probably like Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon more as well. As for the M6, Applejack and Fluttershy often wrestle around in a completely platonic manner at the bottom of the M6-only barrel, and I tend to find myself far more interested in villains, supporting characters, and background nearly blank slate characters before I get down the list to the Apples. I just don't find their stories interesting, and I don't really find their character designs appealing the way I do my favorites.

As this is a review, there are spoilers.

So I find myself in an odd position of wondering just where to start praising this thing.

Rotten Apple is a character piece. It is a slice of life done right. All too often I've seen authors try to just put some characters together, have them talk about some things and do some stuff. There is no substance, there is no point to the collection of horsewords. There is no plot. "Character piece" and "slice of life" often carry with them this understanding that what you get into is going to be some giant waste of time. What those words should be used for is what we see in this story. There is an actual plot, with conflict, and resolution, that fits well within the scope of a slice of life story, as it is very personal and "normal" part of life. While following this plot, there is a great focus on the character of the cast.

Apple Bloom, the main character, never breaks character. At no point do we ever question who it is we're reading about. Her ever word, deed, and thought feels like it comes from a living breathing pony with a cute bow on her head. Never does she feel like some puppet being jerked around in front of us by strings held by the author. There are clever references to canon that help reinforce the mindset Apple Bloom has, and gives us a really solid feel that this pony not only matches up with what we've seen on the screen, but has learned from the events that have happened in her life. All this while depicting a little filly making a stupid mistake and going through her own personal hell for it. I'd be surprised if we ever see this sort of story on screen, but even if we do I doubt it would be this gut-wrenching.

The supporting cast, most prominently AJ and Pinkie Pie are both well done. AJ comes across as just that big sister we'd expect from the show. Even when mad and facing the revelation of her sister's misdeed, she's still loving family that guides young Apple Bloom instead of... the kinds of things we all to often see elsewhere. Pinkie Pie is refreshingly well-written, and comes across as cheerful, friendly, and dependable. All too often on-screen and in-fanfic we see her reduced to sight-gags and "random humor." In this story we see Pinkie holding down the fort for the Cakes and running Sugarcube Corner. When Apple Bloom confesses her misdeed, Pinkie comes through with her priorities: make ponies smile, and do what is right.

On to the plot itself, this is an old story, timeworn and timeless. Child figures out that they can steal and not get caught. Child feels guilty, confesses as they should. Parental-types discipline the child, but everyone still loves each other and forgives. All the morals involved are good. They're presented sincerely and at no point to the feel heavy-handed.

On to the technical aspect. Normally this section serves as a sort of neutral area between the good and the bad, but there are plenty of exceptions. For this story, there were both substantial good and substantial bad items that fit this section, so I'll list the good first.

This is a novella. The idea being conveyed by the story fits very well into the wordcount used. Where many authors try to pass what amounts to a single scene off as a full short story, Rotten Apple feels like it tells all the relevant bits to the audience without leaving them guessing or filling in what the author is too lazy or too timid to write. Realistically, when users on Fmfic write a "one-shot" this is what they should be aiming for. The fact that Rotten Apple is split into three chapters is really more of a style choice, where novellas are typically not chaptered. Those are able to go up to around 40k words.

Despite some of the flaws I noticed, the story was written in a rather engaging and immersive way. The level of description and pacing are great, making this a real "page flipper." Many of the scenes are rather memorable, just for the level of detail we get from the way Apple Bloom's stomach behaves to the expressions Applejack makes. Where most stories manage to (with varying degress of success) try not to "fuck it up" to quote RuPaul, this story sashays.

Did I mention flaws though? It isn't a fresh apple, afterall. The most pervasive and glaring flaw is ah-tism. Now, feel free to disagree, but it is actually poor writing to mangle words to phonetically spell the Apples' accent. They do not say, "Ah" they are saying "I." We all have heard the voice acting for the show, we know how their voices sound, and can imagine their accents just fine. While the dialogue for all the characters felt right in overall word choice, the ah-tisms were consistently bad. Do your part to fight this plague.

...

This is an ellipse. It has some particular functions as a punctuation mark. Normally if I'm mentioning this thing, it is because an author has overused it and that kind of overuse is typical of really shitty writing. My normal reasons for mentioning the ellipse don't apply this time. Instead, this is more of an oddity than an error, but one that would be easy to "fix" and be an improvement to do so. In Rotten Apple, scene breaks are indicated with an ellipse all by itself on a line with empty space above and below. This is an acceptable way to indicate your scene breaks. I bring it up at all because I feel it is a rather weak choice. The ellipse does, as previously mentioned, have certain uses, and it does draw the eye and bring up some uncertainty what is going on when used this way.

This:

---

is a horizontal rule. It forms a much more clear scene break indicator. The fact that it extends the width of the page and isn't a punctuation mark make for a much more pleasing to look at indicator.

So on to the non-technical negatives.

Honestly, I got nothin'.

As I said before, this is just a great story. If left to my own devices, I would never have found it or given it a second glance, because of my lack of interest in Apples. There are plenty of stories I read where I wonder how 10 or 20 people managed to like the thing to upvote it and feel my faith in humanity plummet. For Rotten Apple though, I think more people need to read it and plan to poke several people I know to get them to read it or even promote it if they are willing. This is an underrated fanfic.

Author Response

Thank you very much for your review.

I've taken your feedback regarding "Ah-tism," and have since made a conscious effort to completely cut them out of future stories after having given your review some consideration. I grew up reading books (*cough Redwall series cough*) that did a lot of spelling substitutions for some of the character's accents and dialects within the dialogue, and it's a stylistic choice that I've always tried to emulate. With that being said, however, I can see why misspelling such an essential word over and over again can be aggravating or jarring, and seeing that I have plenty of other options at my disposal to convey their "farm drawl," I think it would be best to just eliminate that habit entirely.
The ellipse situation is also a result of personal bad habit, and I will be sure to not use them for scene breaks in the future. They're technically adequate, but a horizontal rule is much better.

As for the rest of your comments... I thank you. I do consider this story to be my most well-written one on the site, regardless of what the like/dislike ratio and amount of publicity might seem to indicate on the surface. I'm glad you enjoyed this, especially considering that this story dealt with characters that were not exactly your favorite to read about.
I would also like to apologize for taking so long to reply to your review. I only just realized that I never had replied until now, and that was extremely rude of me.

Anyways, I am glad you enjoyed this, and I very much appreciate the feedback you have given me. Take care!
~Arwhale

Excess, by Twinkletail

First off, Hi Twinkle. I know you started writing this some time ago, but I finally got to it in my queue. That said, it still isn't complete, so I don't feel too bad about the time lapse.

---

At this point, I've read up to "Fealty."

The basic premise is interesting, I'll grant that. I'm a big fan of things that play around with the concept of the Elements and what they actually are. I spend more time than I should pondering the details of what sort of relationship these 6 ponies have with the six Elements. So this story is right up my alley.

Individual scenes are very well told. There is an obvious "message" and plot movement in each of them, and they all clearly fit into the larger puzzle. So far everyone feels in character, and all of the growing problems feel pretty relevant to the character, as does their growing concern.

As an aside to that, the PinkieDash relationship isn't obtrusive at this point, but it does feel sort of tacked on for no reason.

The problem I'm seeing so far though, is that the sheer inclusiveness of it all is bogging things down. The formula is pretty obvious early on, but a lot of the chapters feel very repetitive to me. We have the initial slight tinglings of the problem at first, that everypony dismisses. Then on day two they all notice things are odd and go to see Twilight to find a solution to their problem. Even though the exact events for each mare is tailored to them, the basic repetitive nature of what their scene means to the plot overall is tiresome.

This is basically a big problem with a story that includes all six of the main characters and tries to give all six of them equal screen-time. At this point we get it that the Element issue has grown for all six of them, we get that all five friends are going to to seek help from Twilight. At this point in a dead-tree book I would be skimming ahead a few pages to see when they all finally arrive at Twilight's so I can see what happens next.

I could offer some suggestions, but those would be better done in private if you want them. Unfortunately I don't know how much overhauling you want to do to the story, so they may be useless.

I'm still at least mildly interested in seeing how it ends, but honestly the execution so far has rendered this story on the mediocre side for me.

Those Six Words, by Spinner of Tales

Thank you for submitting this story to my group.

I'll go ahead and open this by stating that I don't ship AppleDash. Read into that as you will. I have a more general philosophy of "ship all the ponies" though it seems to me that some, despite being popular, just either bore me, or are done especially badly. They'll focus on tones and themes that don't interest me all that much. So, for me, reading this story is more an observation of the characterization of the two, and evaluating the interaction between them.

Another thing that should be explained for context of my opinions, is that Applejack isn't high on my list of favorite ponies. Her design doesn't especially appeal to me, and it is mostly the sorts of themes and tones she brings to a story that fail to catch my interest as described above. This is not to say I don't understand her. I just don't find her super interesting.

On to the review proper.

I like the title.

I have a great deal of antipathy towards Ernest Hemmingway; like many my age and other ages, I was forced to read his most famous story, A Farewell to Arms. Sitting through it and being forced to write reports on the thing were a special form of literary torture for me. However, I do really like another somewhat less famous (though still popular) story he wrote, that goes as follows, "For sale: baby shoes, never worn."

Not only is that single sentence incredibly evocative of the imagination on it's own right, it serves as inspiration to me to try to tell as much of a story as I can with as few words. Indeed, before reading this story last night, a group of friends and I in a Skype chat spent about an hour tossing back and forth various ideas for pony six word stories.

My own offerings:
"Fluttershy cowered while Pinkie Pie approached."
The sequel, "Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Kaboom!"
then it became a trilogy, "Dragons aren't completely fireproof I discovered."

But none of those are this story. They merely serve to illustrate that, despite my misgivings about a cast that has let me down every time in the past, Those Six Words and I started off on the right foot.

Again, setting aside cast, this is a basic love story that we've all seen a million times before. Person A falls in love with Person B, and worries that Person B will love them back. We explore the reasons for the worry, and all the reasons the relationship is doomed, overcome those worries, confess, and find that Person B does indeed love us back, and had their own set of worries too. It's a basic framework that is simple to build off of and tailor to your own ideas. It's not original or creative, but it is a stable standby.

In the second chapter, I enjoyed the fairly creative and evocative "buffalo chips" expletive.

Moving on to the technical side of the story.

...

I'll admit right up front that grammar is not a set of laws that you must abide by or else face prison or hellfire. They do change over time to adapt to how language is used instead of the other way around. The best advice is usually to learn the rules and understand them first, then "lightly" experiment with breaking the rules when you have very specific reasons to do so. Like the more exciting experiments you can perform, these rulesbreaking forays carry risk of blowing up on you. There is also the concept of speaking "colloquially." Some characters are very informal, and would themselves break grammar rules with their spoken speech or quoted text. Applejack and Rainbow Dash do come to mind as good examples of characters that would do so. It can actually be tricky to write their speech correctly because of this.

Let me take this opportunity to invite you to join this group.

While I am simply not a big fan of Applejack in the cartoon, I find most fanfics depicting her to be plain awful, because poor writers try to express her accent by mispelling words. Applejack does not once in the entire show say, "Ah" as a replacement to the word "I." She says "I" with an accent, but you would still write it correctly. We all understand AJ has an accent. We know how it sounds when she says the word. There is no need to garble things to try to reinforce this.

Now, obviously, a whole lot of authors do this crap. A lot of readers eat it up. If you're this sort of person, then this portion of the review isn't all that useful to you. If you're sane though, this story is riddled with awful spelling errors because of this all too common bullshit.

I noticed several places where "sugar" was used when "Sugarcube" was probably intended, but honestly I can't tell which parts were wrong and which parts were attempting to represent AJ's accent. Other examples, like "mahself" just plain hurt my brain. Even if we accept this terrible practice, this story seems like an especially poorly done example of ah-tism.

There may be other errors in the story. I didn't really catch any, but then with me constantly having to pause and translate the text, my eyes kind of glazed over such things pretty early on.

This story bears the [Sad] tag. There isn't anything sad in this story. Tags are not meant to be used to try to tell you how the characters in the story feel, or how you the reader should feel witnessing the characters being mopey. [Sad] is descriptive of the overall tone of the story. A comedy is light-hearted and funny. Writing a comedy is an attempt to make the audience laugh and smile. [Sad] is for telling about bad things happening. Writing a sad story is trying to make the audience tear up a bit, cry, or at least frown and feel like reflecting on their own hardships.

AJ is, for no apparent reason, sort of depressive and sad. But nothing about that makes the reader feel sad for her situation. If anything, it's like those emo kids at school some years ago. No real reason to be sad, but try to play like they are.

On to the meat of the review. The non-technical, opinion-ey bad stuff.

Lets start this with Applejack. As I stated in the beginning, I do understand this character. I was also looking to at least see a solid characterization piece. We're presented with a series of self-esteem issues, homosexuality concerns, and worries about ruining friendship. These are the main three worries AJ seems to have, so lets address each of them.

This will ruin our friendship. While not an entirely invalid concern to have, this seems to be in every romance story involving the M6. This seems to get brought up every single time practically, and it never ends up true. The couple not only does not lose their friendship, none of their other friends mind one bit, and everything is simply better as a result of getting together. This story is no exception.

Homophobia is a thing here in the real world. There does not seem to be any reason to believe it exists in Equestria. Now, you can depict it in your stories if you want to, and it does come up pretty often, but it would be equally valid to omit this concern and still have a good story. But if you are going to include it, then it should be used in some meaningful way. If you want to showcase the culture of Ponyville or Equestria, or earth pony farmers and how they're stereotypically bigots, then do so. Nothing of that sort was done in this story, indeed AJ worried that Granny Smith was a bigot when we've seen nothing to indicate this in the show. That she ended up being a "light bigot" in this story was jarring, and the fact that she supressed her own dislike of homosexuality for being "unnatural" in order to not ruin her few remaining years with her grandaughter, while sort of sweet I guess, is plain odd. If anything, the theme of the Apple Family in the show is that they do argue a bit, as shown in Pinkie Apple Pie, they are very close and stick together despite disagreements. It seems to me that Granny Smith and AJ would both understand each other on that regard, and Granny Smith shunning AJ for being a lesbian would be a shock. So something that shouldn't even be a concern was, but unsurprisingly it didn't come to be an actual conflict.

Then we get to the really big one. AJ doubting her own self-worth. According to this story, AJ actually things she is not good enough for Rainbow Dash. Now, this does somewhat bring up the prince and the pauper trope. Except that Rainbow Dash is not royalty or any other sort of high-up status. Applejack, by contrast, is a pillar of the community, part of the family that founded Ponyville, supplies the major food of the area, and is all and all much higher status than Rainbow Dash by any sensible assessment of the situation. Time and time again, AJ doesn't ever worry that she herself is unliked or a bother (that would be Fluttershy, and to some degree Twilight Sparkle). Instead, she knows others look up to her and rely on her, revels in that, and tries harder to live up to higher and higher expectations of her. She may worry she isn't quite strong enough to meet these expectations, but she never has self-esteem problems.

Rather than being "AJ problems" that were loaded into the framework to act as worries, instead the framework was loaded with very generic problems, that really don't apply to everyone. They are a very poor fit to AJ, and nothing was done to sell them.

So rather than being a story about Applejack being in love with Rainbow Dash, we get a story about someone else. There are words in the story that try to tell us that this is Applejack, but it's like some depressive teenager was wearing an AJ suit.

Unsurprisingly, Granny Smith, the second character we see in the story, doesn't sound at all like Granny Smith. She's kindly, but none of her quirks or personality is shown in the story at all. She makes extensive use of the pet name, "sweetie" for AJ, which just comes across as shallow and generic. Just like AJ in this story.

Then we get to Rainbow Dash. Who pretty much blushes a lot, kisses AJ, and in the second chapter says I love you a lot. I think you get the point already.

“What’s wrong, A.J.? You’re blushin’!” Rainbow tilted her head slightly to the side. “Had an exhausting run over here? Tired?”

“Wha? No!” Applejack shook her head fiercely. “S’ not like ya could’ve done better, anyways! It’s a darn long run! But Ah’m not tired!”

“What is it, then?”

Characterization is basically null in this story.

So... romance? Romance. Lets do this.

Why does AJ love Rainbow Dash?

...

I dunno. Applejack certainly says she does a lot. The closest we come to even remotely understanding why, is:

She’s so perfect, so… so lovely, and I’m just me.”

Seriously? So, how about while talking to Granny Smith? Seems like an opportune time for Granny Smith to ask what she see's in Rainbow Dash. Maybe to help convince her that accepting her granddaughter is an unnatural fillyfooler is a good choice. If she's devoted and serious to this other mare, she should be able to convince Granny Smith us of the fact.

Eeenope.

So, how about when the two are together, and happily horsekissing and so on? Would be a good time for us to find out what Rainbow Dash sees in Applejack too. Nothing. Just more, "I love you, I love only you, and I love you more than anything else. Oh, and I'm really happy we love each other and are together."

So, if you're looking into some kind of insight as to why AppleDash is a good romance, you won't find it here.

So, in summary, this is a "story" in which "Applejack" overcomes her fears with "Granny Smith's" help, confesses her love to "Rainbow Dash" and the two get together, kiss, and say I "love you" a lot. It's like someone wrote a story in only six words, and those words are "Rainbow, I’m in love with you.” Then that person decided to try to write out all the rest of the story evoked by those six words, but didn't actually add any substance.

"For sale: baby shoes, never worn." was speculated to be about a parent who's child died before being to old to wear even baby shoes. It is a tragic story, one that is about loss, and the moving on. She sells the shoes not because she is heartless, but because she wants them to be of use to someone. Expanding on that story would result in something still interesting to read. Exploring the character of this mother, her loss, and her choice to move on and live would be an engaging story.

That didn't happen here. "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." is a small selection of words packed with meaning. Those Six Words is a six-word story told in three thousand.

Author Response

Thanks. I appreciate your taking the time to read my story. I'm sorry you didn't find it to your liking, and... Well, I hope you can find at least some good stories to read tonight. I'd hate for you to not have a good night on account of me.
You're right, on all accounts. It's a boring story. I didn't put any effort into the plot or the story or the characters, and that's the worst sin I could've made as a storyteller. I make no excuses; it's a bad story.
But I'm not gonna delete it. Sure, having all the flaws pointed out may suck, but there are still people out there who enjoy this. And since re-writing it would, in essence, require a removal of everything that's in this story, it would no longer be the story people favourited. So I'm just going to leave it as-is.
But I'll take your advice going forward. Stories that'll come after this are gonna have more emphasis on characters and their relationships. That's a pinkie promise.
Once again, sorry you didn't like the story.

And How Things do Change, by MetaSkipper

I don't recall how long ago this story was added to my group, but if it was a long time I apologize hollowly for that delay.

I'll say up front that I don't like Human in Equestria(HiE) stories. I understand full well that it is an incredibly popular section of the fandom, with thousands of fans, thousands of stories, and that it is such a huge and diverse subsection that within such a broad scope is a staggering array of different styles and tones of stories. It would be terribly unfair to dismiss a story simply for being HiE, as there are some incredibly talented writers who have love and passion for what they write. Between reading a sampling and through general osmosis I've been unable to avoid HiE, and I have a fair idea of some of the popular sub-subsections. I'd go on to explain what it is about HiE stories I dislike, but that explanation is more suitable to a later section of the review, as this story showcases something quite well and it is directly relevant to the review itself, rather than this preface where I explain my biases and things.

On to the story then!

The first thing I noticed was that the main character is a pony. Pisces Pieces is rather clever for a name. I'm not sure anypony would be so cruel as to name their foal that, but there are plenty of canon and toy-canon names that form a wide array of names that this certainly feels like a fitting member of. Granny Smith would be another name that I have trouble believing anypony would be so cruel as to inflict on their child. Try to say it 5 times fast out loud though. Pisces Pieces Pisces Pieces Pisces Pieces Pisces Pieces Pisces Pieces. Even just reading it is visually like a tongue twister.

Where was I? Oh yes. For a HiE story, we have a main character who is not only a pony, but a remarkably likeable and relatable one at that. So far this story has bucked two depressingly common faults of the stereotype that lingers about HiE like that clingy, oily musk you find has permeated your clothes and hair if you attend a convention. That hideous and health-hazardous mix of BO from large numbers of fans with poor hygene in close proximity and often in sweltering heat that central AC simply can't keep up with.

Passing grammar. Nothing stood out as distracting errors. I've apparently hit a fairly lucky streak of stories lately that have been free of random typos that any decent spellchecker could catch, meaning hopefully people are taking that token bit of time and effort to actually use these tools. None of the sentences really stood out as awkward to parse. There may well be errors lurking about, but if there are, I doubt you'd get complaints on them from most readers. I am no expert on grammar, and am only slightly better at it than the average person myself, but I do tend to catch errors slightly better than the average as well.

On to the bad. This is the section you probably have been waiting for, or dreading.

Lets get the HiE and mixing of worlds thing out of the way. I, like many others, am a fan of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I like the characters in it. I have favorites which are totally irrelevant to this review. I like the world. I like the feel and tone of the show. I, and I like to think at least that there are many others too, like to explore more of this world. It is well-understood that the show is never going to cover some areas and topics, either because they don't fit outright, or because there will never be enough screentime to depict everything that could make it on the show. I have a pretty broad range of tastes when it comes to this exploration, so this is by no means me saying that fanfics should be written as if they fit in only that last category, where they could easily be episodes of the show if only the writers of the show had the same idea and/or the time to actually show it.

I also, like many fans, live on Earth. I have a day to day life with concerns, trials, tribulations, successes, and failures. I'm plenty familiar with this world, and while I do like to explore several of its mysteries, there is quite a bit of it that I am just not as keen on as I am the Equestrian offerings. Things like government, taxes, religion, wars, crime, and the general attitude of a lot of people. Ponyland does of course already include a great deal of material from the real world in order to be relatable at all. I feel there is a line where too much more is indeed too much, and I understand that for many that line is probably high enough to include a fic like this, thus the popularity of HiE.

This story does depict quite a few of the things brought in by this contact with the human dimension as mere curiosities to Pisces Pieces, others as horrid, and most as somewhat startling at least. Honestly though, the idea of religion entering Equestria makes my skin crawl. Some person going to Cheerilee's class and shooting the place up is horrid.

Gone were the days where ponies left their doors unlocked...

That line of text right there captures the awful. It hints at the changes to Equestria that happen/happened in this story. That is the soul-crushing weight of what makes our reality the sort of place that we want to escape from, preferably to a magical land filled with brightly-colored quadrupedal marshmallows. The place has its share of hazards, ranging from dragons and demons to swarms of flying tribbles to bunny stampedes and butterflies strong enough to carry a pony. But even with shady characters like Flim and Flam, vengeful braggarts like Trixie Lulamoon, and pompous assholes like Prince Blueblood, there is still that sense of safety and peace where you can at least trust your neighbors (lol, horsepun).

Bad things happening in a story isn't enough alone to dislike a story though. Bad things happening is kind of a major part of having any story at all. Conflict is what drives characters to be heros. Conflict is what makes strained friendships resolve into stronger ones. Hardships are what make us appreciate our vacations.

Which brings is finally to why I dislike this story. There is no conflict. There is no story. It's some guy noticing some stuff, then we finish off with some lovey-dovey observations about his adopted daughter. Clearly there is enough stuff going on in this version of the world that some kind of story could be told. How about the early part of Pisces Pieces' marriage to his wife, discovery of his infertility, and the conflict that brought up? How about their decision to adopt, and how/why they came to the circumstances of adopting one of these humans? How about that backstory for this adopted human teenager that was plopped into the worspew? Slice of Life not exciting enough for you? You mention some wars. You mention a school shooting. You mention the installation of the internet, the industrialization of farms across all of Equestria. You mention a change of government.

There are tons of stories you could have told. Instead you were either too lazy, or too timid to tell them. So you plopped down nearly the minimum wordcount needed to be able to publish something on Fimfic, and padded it with some description of events vaguely experienced. Hell, many of these events haven't even happened yet. What do they have to do with Pisces Pieces? Apparently nothing, other than he is some random nobody in the world they eventually happen in. He plays no part in causing or preventing them.

So basically you spent about a thousand words shitting on Equestria, had no story to tell with this change and turmoil, and you've seriously wasted not just my time, but the time of everyone who has read this, your own time, and the time of everyone who reads this review in order to learn that they ought not waste their time further by reading this collection of words.

It is frankly depressing to see that at the time of my writing this, 17 people actually thumbs-upped this. That's nearly 20 people. Nearly two whole tens. You'd need to take your shoes off to count them all. I can only hope they're the sort of people that are so crippled by their desire to be nice to everyone that they can't even anonymously downvote something that is this utterly pointless and lacking in value.

Author Response

Good heavens, how many moons ago did I stick that in there? Any way, my thanks for the critique.

Ice Crystals, by DJ Rainbow Dash

Thank you for submitting this story to my group.

I'm something of a fan of RariDash. I like both of the ponies quite a bit, and seeing them paired together isn't quite as common as I'd personally like to see. While it isn't as popular as TwiDash, AppleDash, or Rarijack, I tend to think this is because it takes more understanding of the characters involved to really see the compatibility they have than most of the fandom is capable of.

As usual, there be spoilers ahead.

The description of the story was fairly interesting for me. While not a common ship, there are a few "tropes" that I feel are overdone and it seemed like this story would be lacking those. The idea of one partner in a relationship uncovering a fear of the other, and sharing one of their own to reestablish trust sounds like a fairly fresh idea.

I also like the idea that high up in the cloud layers is a place even most pegasi don't bother going to, and for it to be a place of solitude and untouched beauty. Much like that undisturbed glen or mountain spring or hidden cave, it seems little pockets of beauty are all around. It's a satisfying thing to explore one of these, and a sea of glittering ice crystals floating high in the sky has a sense of realism and magic that just makes for a pleasant place to imagine and have in your mind.

Unfortunately, that's all I can really praise the story on.

I made a sort of error that I generally avoid doing, in that I went ahead and read Titanium Dragon's review before working on my own. That said, I managed to make it further than he did as I managed to finish the whole thing. This story is incredibly "murky" to read, especially towards the start. I can see how Tit would give up on it, and I'm a little surprised that more didn't as well. When most people complain about "purple prose" this is what they're complaining about. It isn't that the word choices are specifically obscure words. It isn't so much that things are written especially "flowery." It is that you have to spend a lot more time processing what has been written to figure out what is going on. It is an excess of words that obfuscate meaning instead of clarifying and expanding.

In the case of this story, Rarity's trip up (down?) stairs to meet up with Rainbow Dash involves several metaphors that can all be summed up as, "Rarity was apprehensive." Since this is the start of the story, we have no real anchor to let us know what we're supposed to be feeling though, or why this mood is a thing. We go in blind into a thick fog, when the story should be getting us hooked in. I guess that works for some people.

Aside from that, there were some awkwardly constructed sentences. Since I was already trying to decipher what was going on, they tended to stick out like sore thumbs along the way. I found myself having to read several paragraphs multiple times each, to make sure I was understanding what was being said. Again, this was most prevalent towards the front. Around the end of the first chapter, I was either numbed to the continued existence of these poorly formed sentences, or they did indeed clear up.

That said, I don't think I noticed any actual errors. Again, it could well have been numbness, or my own lack of expertise on grammar that caused me to not see them.

Moving on.

Dense fog seems to be a much more fitting metaphor for this story than ice crystals. Unlike sharp, clear, and twinkly bits of frozen water with pretty crystalline patterns, the plot of this story was obscured behind masses of gray. Rainbow Dash tore up a dress Rarity made for her as a gift, in anger. This part is clear. The reasons for why she was angry enough to do this are less clear. As best as I can muddle through this, it is because she is afraid to be seen in public in dresses, and Rarity poked at this and dismissed this fear callously.

The problem is, I don't see any indication why. Nothing in this story really indicates why she has this problem, just that she apparently does. Nothing in canon supports this either, so it's up to the author to establish this fact.

I said nothing in canon supports this, so allow me to explain. I realize there is a stereotype among the fans that Rainbow Dash "hates dresses." It is probably catering to this stereotype that the story is relying on, which makes for a very shaky foundation.

So lets go ahead and disprove the stereotype. There are four instances that stand out in my mind that form the core of how Rainbow Dash views dresses, all of which happen to involve Rarity. The first is the gala dress in Suited for Success. While the other friends pointed out things they actively disliked about their dresses (especially Twilight and Fluttershy), Rainbow seemed mostly disinterested. When Rarity insisted that the dresses be remade to fit each friend's wishes, Rainbow's response was, "It's fine." When pushed, her response was "make it cooler." If you listen to her tone, it was more bored/irritated than anything else. All the others, even Applejack, were enthusiastic about the process. There was no aversion to the process, she was fine with whatever Rarity made for her, as all the others should have been from the start. She is mostly disinterested in fashion, and probably doesn't understand it, but she does appreciate looking good, and is perfectly fine with letting someone who knows what she is talking about, Rarity, decide on the details.

The second instance is in A Canterlot Wedding where, once again, Rarity is making sure her friends look their best for Cadance and Shining Armor's wedding. Her only complaint about the dress was that it wasn't very aerodynamic. Do note that she was supposed to perform a sonic rainboom for the wedding, and this is a very practical concern. At the end we see that Rarity's solution was to make it "tear away" so that Rainbow Dash could perform. Again, at no point is there any reluctance to wear a dress or look good.

The third is in Swarm of the Century, where Rainbow Dash models for Rarity. She wears a (hideous) giant ruffled frou-frou getup. If anything should have caused her to show fear of being seen looking ridiculous, that would be it. Her only complaint is that she was bored, having had to sit around for lengthy periods of time. When Twilight showed up there was no sudden panic about being seen that way. When Pinkie showed up, Rainbow was far more interested in the cute parasprite Twilight gave her than the open door that would let anyone see her dressed up.

The last one, more for completeness than anything else, in Inspiration Manifestation. Rarity summons a dress on Rainbow Dash without warning, rendering her flightless and causing her to crash to the ground. I don't think her being upset had anything to do with embarassment.

One of my cohorts suggested that she might be, within story continuity, embarrassed to be seen dressed up in a situation where dressing up is "not normal." One of the things mentioned in-story is that Rainbow Dash fears that her idols, the Wonderbolts, might thing less of her if they saw her dressed up. Considering they saw her at the Gala and there was no anxiety or mockery involved there, that seems farfetched. Ponies go around casually wearing clothes in several places, and no one mocks them for it. Where Rainbow would get the idea that she would be mocked for wearing clothes casually is something that would really need to be established within the story to really make sense. Even then, the purpose of the dress was to go on a date with Rarity, a situation for which dressing up is likely well-received.

So even if we set that all aside, and accept that for some reason Rainbow Dash was legitimately afraid, and Rarity was insensitive about it, the rest of the story remains... odd. Rather than start up a conversation in which Rarity reveals one of her on fears, as advertised in the description, instead she merely goes to apologize... an effort which is rendered awkward by Rainbow's refusal to really talk. Instead, they go for a fly, and Rarity's previously established fear of flight is touched on, but it is apparent that Rainbow Dash already knew of it and understood it. Nearly falling to your death (Sonic Rainboom) is pretty understandable a source of fear.

So rather than really bond over newfound trust in each other over the sharing of private secret things, the two fly and Rainbow apologizes for her outburst with sharing something else private about herself, the above mentioned secret beauty. This alone would sort of be satisfying, because between the two Rainbow's outburst is the more understandable and apology-worthy thing either of them did. But the point of this all was supposed to be for Rarity to be offering up something private to patch things up for the unintentional prying and callousness on her part.

So, even though the apologies and sharing didn't quite match up with what was established as needed, it did serve as an overall good bonding experience. There is a sense that Rarity somewhat got over her own fear, and perhaps there would be some work at overcoming Rainbow's fear. No such luck.

Instead, apparently Rarity expects Rainbow Dash to apologize further, by submitting to a spa visit.

I'm officially lost as to what sort of relationship these two have, what was brought up, and what was dealt with. Unlike a lot of crappy fluffy romance slice of life "stories" in which literally nothing happens, this one seems to imply something did happen, but can't really figure out what.

As pointed out in my biases, I like RariDash because it requires an understanding of the characters. With that understanding, we can see a lot of conflict to overcome, and some very believable chemistry and attraction, as well as common ground and support each could give the other. We had none of that really in this story, and instead were sort of tugged along through mediocre scenery porn.

Author Response

First off, thanks for the really long insightful review. Always appreciate when people take time and effort to look at a story of mine like that.
Anyway there are some things I'd like to mention.

SPOILERS

1. You, TD, and PresentPerfect are I think the only ones who have notified me that the story suffered from a lot of purple prose and overall murkiness. I'll be the first to admit that overall sentence structure and the ability to convey exactly what I have in mind isn't the strongest suit of mine, and I'm still considering that part of my writing ability to be a work in progress. I actually did trim down on doing that in this story (or tried do), with the thanks of HoofBitingActionOverload mostly. I'll try and fix this in the future.

2. My whole idea was to start after a major event had happened (the fight), and let the reader figure out what had occurred and why over the course of the story. Most people seemed to like the idea, including those who edited/preread for me, so I'm not sure if that's a preference more than a criticism?

3. I never usually perfectly follow canon, although I tend to keep general stuff in line with it. Looking back at the reasoning behind Dash tearing up the dress and overall having such a sudden and severe reaction to something Rarity had said, perhaps I failed to properly explain it. In short, what I originally intended to do was to explain how she was teased at being a tomboy in flight school for never being a girly type and always being like a colt so to speak. So anytime she wore a dress, other fillies and colts would continue to just bully her, saying that she looks ridiculous trying to be a girl, when she was. Basically, typical playground bullying which left Dash scarred, yet she hid it. I don't think i did explain that much, and it must have fallen through the cracks when I was writing the story. I might fix it later on to add all of this in.

4. You mention the good bonding experience being completely thrown out the window once Rarity asks Rainbow to come to the spa with her. Now this one i disagree on, mostly because that last part was more of a joking manner than anything. In a way, think of a guy being dragged to go shopping by his girlfriend because he was caught doing something wrong. I was going for a sense of fake tension at the end, but I guess that wasn't visible enough?

My whole idea was this:
-Rarity accidentally provokes Rainbow Dash, who lets her past consume her into a rage.
-Rainbow is initially mad at Rarity, while Rarity is already feeling guilty.
-Rainbow was going to fly off, but Rarity stopped her before she could leave, and decided there to give Rarity some payback, but also at the same time help her with a problem of her own.
-Eventually lost in the moment, Rainbow drops being mad at Rarity, and instead focused completely on helping her overcome her fears.
-Rarity finally helps Rainbow Dash overcome her fear as well.
- DJRD

Life is Precious, by BronyDad

Thank you for submitting this to my group.

I have to admit, that when I noticed the line, "Featured on EQD" in the description, I had to give myself a moment to indulge in a bit of an eyeroll. It also gives me a bit of a doubletake, because it really has been years now, to allow me to say that over the years I've seen plenty of examples of great stories rejected by EQD for the most headscratchinest of reasons. Basic, "objective" stuff like grammar I can get behind, sure. But all too often these rejections make no little sense. Things like "x" element wasn't developed well enough to be convincing (typically a criticism of a relationship in a romance story). Thus the eyeroll. So what got this story through? What obvious things could I pick out while reading that, were I some EQD prereader, would cause me to reject this story?

I'm not going to say it's a bad thing to have a tag like that in your description. I am saying that it influences how I come in to the story though. I'm already rather critical of what I read, hence why I do these reviews. But that sort of begs me to be especially nitpicky and such, so take that as a bias of mine.

If you want a much more eloquent description on the whole description-box thing, have yourself a read.

---

On to the review proper. As usual, review means spoilers. That said, this story doesn't rely much on surprise, and you probably have a good idea of what happens already going in.

The characterization for Fluttershy felt pretty spot-on. little quirks like how she handles answering the door, to her tunnel vision when presented with an injured animal all fit well to expectation, and were "brief" enough to not feel like I was being forced to rewatch the show in text form. Other parts, like the cave show something "new" about Fluttershy that feels like it fits, but likely won't ever appear on screen. All in all, it felt true to character, explored new area, and didn't try to twist her or turn her into a gross caricature. This feels far more like Fluttershy as she should be than even some episodes (like Power Ponies). As someone who isn't very fond of Fluttershy, that this is a pretty acceptable and meaningful accomplishment I think.

A nitpick I have that is positive is the injury the bird suffered. I've read through several stories that depict injuries and usually try to go hard on the trauma, only to have it all heal up and work out in the end. Here we have a simple wound, things seem fine, then infection overwhelms a tiny little being and proves lethal. It is very believable and fits the theme of the story well.

On to the technical stuff. Normally, when I read one of these stories, I don't really focus too hard on the grammar and such. If you misuse a comma, fail to maintain your style, or slip out of tense here or there I am generally not going to notice. Typos or improper word usage (likely due to lazy spellchecker use) sometimes catch my eye, sometimes I notice, then forget as I keep reading. While I have done editing, my goal is not to be an unsolicited editor, but to give a rough opinion on the competency demonstrated in a work. This is just fanfiction and not professional writing, and as long as most readers would understand what is being told to them and have a decent amount of immersion, this section usually is pretty short. If it stands out that things were especially noteworthy due to an unusual style or poor grammar, then I'll hammer on it a bit. However, since EqD is pretty notorious for some really obscure grammar issues at times with their rejections, it felt like I should probably include this in my nitpick.

Rainbow Dash pushed the last storm cloud into place as the wind steadily grew stronger, and then flew a small circle beneath the clouds to ensure that everything was in order.

This is the first sentence of the story. While the 'comma+conjunction' does technically imply the subject of both clauses is Rainbow Dash, the structure of the sentence is at least a little ambiguous. It could be interpretted still that the wind is circling beneath the clouds to ensure everything was in order. Little things like this chip away at the suspension of disbelief readers build to get into a story, as you spend brain processing cycles reading that, realizing it is silly, rejecting it, and establishing in your mind that it is indeed Rainbow Dash performing the actions. Moving the "wind steadily grew stronger" part to the front or back of the sentence, so that everything Rainbow Dash does is in a nice steady sequence would be less ambiguous.

The problem is that however you configure it, it is only a step above "It was a dark and stormy night." It is essentially a weather report, with a bit of action to it. Within the first seven paragraphs, The real "action" that happens is that the bird is seen hurtling by and about to splat. Even though you have some bits of description here and there describing a building storm, none of it feels very... tense. I get that Rainbow Dash is doing a rather routine duty of her job, but it would be much more exciting for the readers if this were built up to be more intense. More lightning and thunder and howling wind. Draw out the effort to save the bird so that it isn't over so fast. Make it uncertain for the readers that Dash will even succeed. Since the point of the story is that life is fragile, this would be an incredibly powerful opening to the story, and serve as a solid hook.

Instead, it is weak. It is not very engaging at all.

Still, she was the Pegasus in charge of weather in Ponyville, and it was her duty to be the last one on the scene. She never left until she was one hundred percent satisfied that the storm wouldn't be too strong, or break up too early.

Stuff like this, while fitting for Rainbow Dash's personality, don't contribute to the scene. Overall you've crafted it too much on the "boring routine day" feel instead of the possibly exciting beginning of a storm.

The storm was powerful, and Rainbow knew that she only had a few minutes left before it would become too dangerous to fly.

Preceding the quoted sentences above is this one. This is incredibly "telly" and more or less trips all the "this is bad writing" flags that "It was a dark and stormy night." trips. Have the wind buffet Rainbow Dash and threaten her. We know she is a great flier, so if she is fighting strong winds, that would easily let us know that this is serious business.

Those first seven paragraphs are all rather short. Most of them are only 2 sentences long, with one at 3 and another at 5 sentences long. The "largest" one, 5 sentences long, contains several very simply sentences, and ends up the same overall length as the 3. This would be a fairly "quick" pace, except that most of the sentences are complex, compound, or both. Most of the paragraphs feel like they should be combined due to being so close in topic, so the overall result is more choppy than quick. Since most of the topic is "slow/routine" stuff, it comes across as scattered.

A short, catchy sentence about the heart of the action, the bird hurtling by out of control, would be a better opener. Then maybe build up in paragraph density to bring out all the details of how dangerous it is, but contrast with Rainbow sticking it out to rescue this critter. then speed up as the ground/tree gets close, and finish off with how she succeeds.

Moving on from the opening scene.

There are no scene breaks.

Depending on how you wanted to structure things, there should be one naturally when Dash falls asleep. This means the first scene (I'm trying to get past it, honest) covers the rescue, getting home, setting the bird up for the night, and her own falling asleep from exhaustion. The morning, trip to Fluttershy's, and dropping him off under her care would be a sort of short scene, but it feels like it would be natural to break scene when Rainbow Dash meets up with Twilight and Pinkie. Alternatively, you could put the rescue as it's own short "introductory" scene, have the bits before and after sleep act as a scene that focuses around her initial interaction with the bird. Then decide from there.

By deciding how to separate your scenes, you can make each one focus on specific goals better. As it is, the story sort of feels like it drifts from topic to topic like one of those especially boring professors or public speakers who drones on and never really takes a break because they just shuffle their papers around, never take any breathers or drinks of water, and just keep going and going.

Here is an incredibly simple and effective way to indicate a scene break: [ hr ] (remove the spaces).

---

The overall "choppiness" of the story continues on throughout. Occasionally we get paragraphs that manage to break three lines on my screen, but each of those is alone in a sea of one-liners. At no point are we ever "invited" to slow down and take in the scenery or focus on the more emotional parts.

Fluttershy continued to look forward. "He's gone, Rainbow."

This could be a really powerful line. It should be all by itself, and it is. But the surrounding paragraphs are all short also. For this scene, I think opening with a fairly slow-pacing, and maybe speed things up with shorter and shorter paragraphs, but at least three lines long, then drop down to that short single line, would really add to the impact a lot. Follow it up with a mix of 2-3 line and 4-5 line paragraphs, and you could really sell the kind of turmoil that Rainbow experiences after.

As it stands, it sort of gets lost in a whole story of short choppy bits.

Nearly all of the dialogue in the story is, as is probably no surprise at this point, short and choppy. Nopony really ever speaks more than one or two sentences at any given time without meaningful pause or somepony else speaking in turn. There are points, such as when Rainbow, Pinkie, and Twilight are having lunch, where "talking heads" feel starts to creep in. Even when Rainbow Dash is supposedly lost in internal argument, it is just four lines of "inside voice."

Between the pacing and the scene structure, a lot could be improved to really convey the story. The lack of scene breaks especially is startling to see in something that passed EqD standards.

On to the non-technical negatives.

While Fluttershy's character was handled pretty well, Rainbow Dash is the main character here, one of my favorite ponies, and was overall done on the poor side I felt.

What was so special about this bird? And why was she so worried about him?

This is what we call brain worms. There is an epidemic that crosses authors, stories, and styles. This is a fairly light case, probably because this isn't a romance story, but it's still there.

Rainbow Dash rescuing a bird during a storm doesn't feel out of character. Hell, we had an entire episode where saving ponies was a thing she did (Mysterious Mare Do Well), as well as other random acts of heroism (Sonic Rainboom, Sleepless in Ponyville). Worrying about the welfare of animals while doing her job is weird. Leaving it to "why am I thinking this?" is brain worms. No, really, author, why is she thinking this way?

It seems like it is used to form a foundation for her guilt. Her regular job, which has plenty of necessary consequences like irrigating farms and so on, might sometimes injure critters. It also comes with some undesired consequences, like ruining picnics or otherwise sunny/beautiful days. Dash is no stranger to dealing with these consequences. The safety of critters is Fluttershy's job though. It seems to me that if you explored a bit of worldbuilding, Fluttershy would probably work with the weather team at least well enough to keep informed of their schedule so she could prepare for the storms.

Now, it isn't really all that wrong of Rainbow Dash to feel some guilt, when presented with such an injury right in front of her face. It gets weird when the issue is pushed further, and Dash tries to take on more blame than is reasonable. Instead, I think it would have been much more natural that she would feel bad for taking something out of the sky, an aspect of the situation that was not touched on at all.

For the next hour, Rainbow talked with the bird while Fluttershy sat on the bed, grinning the whole time. Rainbow knew that Fluttershy was enjoying the fact that she was bonding with an animal, and truth be told, she was enjoying it too.

I get that you don't want to come up with an hour's worth of dialogue. But the dialog leading up to it wasn't all that satisfying, and this really is supposed to be an important point of the plot. This is the point you're supposed to be really selling the fact that Rainbow Dash cares for this bird. Take "May the Best Pet Win" and see the kind of bonding she had with Tank. Opening up with his admiration of her saving him and being cool is a great bonding point, but this could be sold so much better.

So, lets wrap this up.

Death is sad, but it isn't the end of the world. Moving the tragedy from a close friend (as is all too often done in fanfics) to a new friend was a good choice for this story, I feel, and treating the event with dignity and showing the closure made for an overall good story. Unlike a lot of what passes by my queue, this did feel like a story that was worth telling, and thus worth reading. It had a lot of technical problems, and there was a lot of trouble for me to believe this was Rainbow Dash. This really felt like a Fluttershy story, despite being told from Dash's perspective. I guess you could say it is a good story, just wasn't told as well as it could have been told.

Author Response

Well, hello there! I wasn't expecting a full on review, but thanks for taking the time to do this. I initially had no plans to submit this to EQD, but after several suggestions that I should, I went ahead just to see what they would say. I was very surprised when it got through. The EQD prereader was very moved by my portrayal of Fluttershy, which probably played a huge role in it getting through.

Anyway, I wanted to say something about the weather report opening. I know that it is considered "bad," but the fact that it was "a dark and stormy night" is the reason why the story happens. How many stories with the weather report opening actually use the weather as the inciting event? But I see what you mean.

As for the rest, I completely agree. I have to admit, I really dislike oneshots. After writing three of them, I've decided that I will never write another again. I mean, if you can write a oneshot, then you can beef it up and make it into a mutli-chapter story. I have a lot of problems with pacing on stories this short, but I find that if I make them a bit longer, I'm able to better manage it. Like this one; I could have beefed it up and added all of those little details that you were apparently starving for, and I could have easily brought Scoots into it earlier and created a subplot with her that would have tied into the story nicely, and then have chapter breaks at each of the scenes that you mentioned. And you know what? I think that I will eventually do so.

Thanks again for taking the time to read this! And until next time, happy reading/writing/reviewing!

Beneath Your Feet What Treasures, by TheJediMasterEd

So I came this way via emergency klaxon sounded by this guy. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that a dead guy doesn't understand the "lives in danger" part of "emergency."

So, despite the lack of broken bones, bleeding, or other truly critical concerns, I read this thing anyway.

Curse my abundance of reading comprehension, but here comes the spoilers. If you haven't read, go do so before continuing. If you have read and find yourself scratching your head, I'll spell it out plainly for you.

---

As depicted in the show, Spike has a crush on Rarity. As any sane person could point out, there is no reasonable reason to expect Rarity to return these feelings or even acknowledge them. While some fans may require some sort of drama or permission or apology to Spike, and indeed that may have happened prior to the start of this story, but this is not a story about that. Instead, Rarity and Big Macintosh got together in some sort of serious relationship.

This story is about Spike being surprisingly more mature than this fandom ever depicts him or considers him. He accepts that she's happy and, despite the pain of loss it causes him, accepts Big Mac.

He apparently has a little hoard of stones, some semi-precious, others not so much. He's kept this hoard secret from everyone, including taking precautions that Rarity (with her gem-finding talent/spell) won't find it, and has kept it secret from Twilight as well. He also apparently remembered a stone from some seasons ago that he thought was neat and showed Maud Pie while she was visiting. The stone is red clay with green bits (Big Mac with his green-apple Cutie mark presumably). So the story has us trudging along a stream bed in winter to find this hunk of clay, successfully finding it, and adding it to his hoard.

The rest of this is still spoiler, but hopefully if you're this far down you're OK with that. It's just less important spoilers than the tagged stuff.

So there is a lot of detail to this story, accomplished by way of omitting all dialogue, interaction with other characters, and stuff like plot and conflict to allow it to fit in a small word count. Instead it is strictly a character piece, and really exists just to showcase this little bit of personality of Spike. There is an immensely heavy reliance on symbolism which forces you to think more in order to get what is going on.

The grammar, spelling, etc of the piece were well done. No complaints there.

Now, of course nothing is original. But I do have to ask, when you're taking a particular element to base your story around, what kind of value are you trying to get out of it? In this case, that primary element is Spike's doomed crush with Rarity. It certainly isn't an element that has been lacking attention from the fandom, so the value isn't in putting good use to the underused. I'd agree you did a particularly good spin on it, so perhaps you saw a lack of quality in the abundant use that is evident.

In the end, it's a story about Spike's side of a one-sided romantic interest. I can't be fucked to care. Even if done well, it's simply not interesting a topic to read about. Take the well-written events of this story as "canon" and see how things go from Twilight Sparkle's POV. Her number one assistant and fax machine went off to run some errand. He comes back with bread and coaxes her to eat dinner reasonably. The end. That's about how important I consider it too.

Others may well enjoy it. The imagery of winter, stones, and so on barely scratched the surface I feel though. Had this level of attention to detail been put into a "real" story, I could see it being engaging and fulfilling to read. But a short piece about a single element feels like more of a wasted opportunity. It leaves me thinking, "OK, so what?"

Spike spends a lot of time worried about keeping his hoard secret. He especially worries about how Twilight would react. Primo conflict material. Can he keep it secret? Should he keep it secret? He thinks Cranky would understand. That sounds like some completely untapped characterization potential that actually would be interesting to read about.

Even though I don't personally have much interest in Spike as a character, others do. It isn't that I dislike Spike that I think this was a poor story, but because it was pretty shallow. Hints within the story could have been explored to turn this into a much deeper read, and it could have gotten my like in spite of being about Spike. I think there was too much attempt at faux-depth by way of symbolism and style, rather than just telling a story.

Author Response

Thank you for the thoughtful and extensive critique!
I kinda figured Spike x Rarity had been done to death but I wanted to make an observation about Spike's dual nature, about how he both resolves the conflict within himself (through his friend-hoard) and uses it to resolve a conflict within himself (by adding to it).
That is, what's normally a problem that he has to manage in day-to-day life, becomes something that points out a solution to his problem in a moment of great emotional turmoil. That's the thing I wanted to illustrate.
I've been told before that I should really make my stories longer so as to make a greater case for the reader to care. That's a valid criticism, but in this case I felt like I wanted to go for maximum emotional impact.
Why? Well, why write ponywords instead of something else? Cause I wanna

Tears in Dreams, by Twi-Fi

Thank you for adding this story to my group.

As usual, this is a review, and as such contains spoilers.

I'm a fan of Rarity, the CMC, and topics like those covered in this story. I'm not alone in this, as evidenced by the existence of this fic; Twi-Fi was/is obviously enough of a fan of these things to have written it, and he/she is not alone in having done so. That I came into this story with some hesitance is notable though. While I do like these kinds of things, I've seen them done before several times over, and in a manner that is usually bad, boring, or expressly dark. So color me surprised that I was enjoying this story as I made my way to the end.

It is always difficult to do this part of the review correctly. Many stories are pretty bad, and it is a struggle to find anything positive to say about them. Especially something sincere. For this story though, the problem is more, "where do I start?"

Tears in Dreams is short, at a little over midway between 5k and 6k words. With the flood of 1k-2k "stories" that inundate the site daily, it is almost weird to call it short, but short it is. Unlike the mire though, the size fits. There is a certain amount of words that are needed to properly convey an idea along with the right amount of detail. It is something of an art, and it is something most authors get wrong. Where most short works are better suited as mere scenes of a larger story, a story the author is too lazy or too incompetent to properly tell, Tears in Dreams feels complete and well presented in only so many words. As this feat is often rather hard to pull off, it seems like a nice place to start on the praise.

As mentioned, dreams are popular in storytelling. You can do some neat things with them, and many of those neat things have already been done, done well, and done often. They're also a pitfall of not so neat things that would ruin an otherwise good story, such as being unnecessarily confusing, pretentious, or blatant plot band aid fodder. So, once again, Tears in Dreams manages to take something "risky" and pulls it off well. A dream is used as the setting to tell this story, and it is successfully used largely because of how light a hand is used in it. Stage effects are meaningful and relatable, rather than arcane or bizarre. The dream setting is functional by offering a vivid visual element and allowing a level of information sharing from Sweetie Belle to Rarity that would be hard to pull off by simply having the two talk normally. Where the dreamscape is often used to provide a "woooo. magiiiiical! setting for a story that would be redundant in Equestria in many stories, it feels like a natural part of Equestria here. Again, light hand plays well.

I didn't mention it above, but I also have something of a fascination with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. Like other noteworthy antagonists such as Trixie, Luna, or Discord, I can't help but wonder what their place is in this otherwise utopian world. Some, like Discord, are more forces of nature than people, and they fit in in a more fundamental manner. Luna somewhat straddles that line, being an alicorn princess and ruler of the night (and dreams). Ponies like Trixie, Diamond Tiara, and Silver Spoon though are "normals." They are not representations of fundamental forces, deities or primal spirits, or anything like that. They're just regular ponies, who had regular lives, regular events, and regular personal power. So what kind of life or upbringing in this peaceful and harmonious land produced these hostile ponies? All too often in the cartoon, these two fillies are simply used as mindless "bully" antagonists. Sadly that will likely remain par. Fanfic represents a great way to explore them as actual people though, and as such I enjoy a good exploration of them.

While they never play a "live" role in the story outside of the dream, the lives and motivations of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are examined through Sweetie Belle's perceptions and played out in her dream while talking to Apple Bloom and Scootaloo. That she thinks of them not as mindless bullies (as so many dismiss them as) but as ponies she can actually relate to is a powerful bit of story that I quite enjoyed. While I've seen the "DT wants more attention from her daddy" trope before, it was presented elegantly here, and relating it directly to Sweetie Belle's own worries made it come across as genuine.

Which brings is to the main point of the story. We've seen onscreen that Sweetie Belle loves her sister, and simply wants more attention from her. The younger sibling and older sibling dynamic isn't very original, but it is infinitely relatable, from both sides of the pairing. That Rarity is a busy adult with a career clashing with the childhood innocence of the world of adults and jobs is an unending mine of storytelling gold.

Tears in Dreams takes this timeworn story and manages to tell it without just looking like a thin layer of paint slapped on something everyone has already seen. I think that when we finally see her dream-experience of being abandoned by her retired parents, ignored by Rarity, and further tormented by Diamond and Silver, it presents a compelling character view that expands believably from the trope we saw presented in Sisterhooves Social. Rarity's perspective of not relating to her little sister because she's too busy and caught up in the adult world is vastly different than the world seen from someone who is still a child. Her desires for attention are reasonable and important. I think we all can get that just from Sisterhooves Social, but reading this story makes me get it.

On to the technical side, before I get lost rambling on about something else or other that I liked about the story.

As has been a pleasantly unexpected trend lately for stories I've been reading, this story has competent grammar and so on. There may be errors, but either my lack of expertise in the area or my overall enjoyment of reading the story prevented me from noticing any. As such, nothing jarred me out of the story and forced me to translate it. Style and formatting were all comfortably unobtrusive, and let me focus on the story and ignore the words on page, which is really the goal in storytelling.

On to the negative. Normally this is the "real" part of the review, because so many stories are just crap. I need yet another disclaimer this time though, because unlike most of my reviews, it is this part rather than the positive part that is a formality. This story is pretty damn good, and I wouldn't suggest changing anything. What follows are not errors in need of fixing. These are just a few things I happened to experience as one of many readers.

The start was a little slow. Up until the point where Rarity got in bed with Sweetie Belle to offer her support, it felt like I knew what was going on, and somewhat felt like skimming. I can't really place my finger on exactly why, as it was all good quality characterization for Rarity, and necessary for getting us into the story.

The point at which Rarity started crying and messing up her makeup felt a little over the top. It was understandable for her to worry about her little sister, and to worry that she wasn't able to help Sweetie Belle with her problems, and this is Rarity we're talking about who is known for her melodrama, but it was probably a good example of the "stuff" that I felt like trying to skim past. Again, it would probably make for a worse story to omit it, it would probably make for a worse story to "tell" instead of "show" this to us, and so on. That all said, it felt like an extended piece of "here is Rarity. If you don't know who Rarity is, here is what she is like." But I know who Rarity is. It was sort of like LUS. We know Twilight Sparkle is "lavender."

Rarity's descent into the dream was descriptive. It was understandable and believable that she would be confused by the experience and try to make sense of it. The problem for me was that it was obvious she was going into Sweetie Belle's dream. I knew this from the title and from the cover description. It didn't take long to get through, all things considered, but like the above paragraph, it was a descriptive bit of story that detailed and explained stuff I already knew. Omitting it, making it less detailed, or chopping it down would not make for a better story, but it was a part of the story that I wanted to get through to get to the "good stuff."

We end the story with the end of the dream and a return to reality. We're left to our own imaginations about the next morning, and what changes may arise from Rarity's renewed resolve to be there for her little sister. It would probably drag the story on to include these kinds of things, but there is a certain level of author laziness, I feel, when you push "too much" of this kind of thing onto their imaginations instead of doing your part to tell your story. I am probably a bit more greedy in this regard than many of the audience; I've never been a fan of Hitchcock's advice on horror films no matter how wise it is.

If there is anything you take from my review, read this story. It doesn't fall into the pitfalls a lot of other authors have covering topics that are genuine and heartfelt. It seems to me too many authors try to go for shock value and sensationalism, or for weird "crossover/AU" exploration of clashing ideas and elements like humans, hard science, or war in what is supposed to be a magical land of happy little marshmallows with bright colored coats and destiny marks stamped on their asses. Tears in Dreams covers material that, if you're like me, you might fear is taken to grim, depressing, or misery porn levels of cheap feels-bait. Set those concerns aside, and enjoy a fic that will make you smile. If it does draw tears, they're tempered with hope and love instead of cold bitter loneliness.

Author Response

Oh, wow! I'm flattered. Thank you for the review.

The Skies Above

While I do tend to prefer TwiDash and RariCo, I do like RariDash quite a bit as well. Sadly, there are not too many well-written fics for this pair. I will say that I disagree with your opinion that Rainbow wouldn't want Rarity, but that is merely a difference of opinion and has nothing to do with how well the story has been told or not. I did read your author's note, and while it does suck that your own love life didn't go so well, it also sucks for your readers.

I can tell the original story about clouds from the rest. I'll start with it, because it's rather nice. Even though I immediately assumed Rarity was having a dream, it didn't detract all that much from my enjoying watching Rarity her surroundings. I could almost imagine the sheer delight she would have on her face, perhaps similar to what we saw in Power Ponies, at this new situation one the fear wore off. Having been in flight myself several times, I can relate to the sense of freedom and adrenaline, when you have the entire open sky to play in.

Once she met up with Rainbow Dash in the dream, things went more or less as I expected them to. Like the first part of the dream, it was fluffy and, while predictable, cute enough to enjoy reading about.

Overall, I could imagine this dream to be in a bigger, more serious story, and it would do a decently good job of showing me that Rarity is in love with Rainbow Dash. It would be better than I often see in poorly done romance stories that simply tell us that X has a crush on Y, and the cheap, easy to write shakes, blushes, stuttering, and worrying that plague the site.

The problem is, we don't get that bigger, more serious story. It's fine, I suppose, to leave off at this point and just let us, your readers, imagine how things play out from then on. Does Rarity just keep her crush to herself, and they go on for the rest of their lives as friends? Or do we get some high-drama stuff where Rarity decides she wants to try for her love, to try for romance, because Rainbow Dash is worth more to her than some petty noble? There's a possible great story just sitting there, waiting to be written.

Another thing I noticed is that the technical quality of the writing of the cloud story was better than the scene prior. I didn't really notice much in the way of errors, perhaps because at that point I was entertained well enough to unsee them. In contrast, our opening scene of drinking with four of the m6 was riddled with issues.

AJ's speech was abysmal. I get that a lot of writers on this site like to try to phonetically spell out AJ's accent, but that is simply annoying and bad grammar to do so. She's speaking English, write her dialog in English. Use word-choice to convey her voice, and let us sound out how she says "I" in our heads.

There were also weird tense errors. There were at least three different places where you used present tense words in an otherwise past tense sentence.

It felt like you couldn't decide if the opening scene was from Rainbow's or Rarity's perspective and drifted between them.

Dash's color-changing face was confusing, and it wasn't until nearly the end of the scene that it was due to her drink being magical that it finally made any sort of sense at all. This, along with all the other errors, is immersion breaking. Sore need of cleaning up and editing.

So then on to the really bad. Aside from poor grammar, poor style, and poor writing in general, there were several things that were just plain bad about the story. I already touched on the fact that we basically have a small snippet of a bigger, better story. We're left to just accept several things, like why the girls are drinking alcohol.

Then on to the dumb tropes. If I already covered the good and the bad, this is the ugly.
*It was all a dream. Somewhat forgivable because the dream itself was entertaining, and it was pretty obvious. It wasn't so much a copout, but still fairly poor writing. It would be better if this dream were given an actual purpose, to convey character, and show us within a story.
*Girls night out discussion. Rather than, as was done with Rarity, show us Rainbow Dash's character and show us the conflict, you tell us she's straight by having it come up as a question over drinks/truth or dare/etc. Rarity in canon shows that she is interested in stallions, and you take care to show us how that isn't true. With Rainbow Dash you just sort of dump it onto us.
*Rainbow's Mane. See, the "rainbow" wasn't a symbol for gay pride until relatively recently. It does still have a whole lot of meaning beyond that. Furthermore, it doesn't look like Equestria would have that association at all. Rainbows seem more related to the magic of friendship than gay pride. Furthermore, it is her natural hair color. Her friends know this. It's not like some "flaming fag" who dyed his hair rainbow just to be that much more flamboyant. This has to be one of the stupidest tropes around, and seeing it seriously used in a story makes me gag a bit.

And this is how we, your audience, suffer. You had a nice little scene. You felt it needed a good home within a story, and I agree with you there. You threw it in a trailer park though, and got it hooked on smack. It really shows that you had little to no heart to finish it, and the cloud story suffered as a result. Tell us the real story. Have them fail to get together, and tell us the story about Rarity learning to move on with her life, and hopefully remain friends. If that's the story you want to tell us, tell it. If you want to tell us how Rainbow really is a lesbian (or bi) but feels reluctant to show it because of it being uncool or something, tell us that story. But don't insult Dash's character and the world of Equestria. Don't make AJ into some incomprehensible caricature. But especially give Rainbow Dash as much attention to detail and care as you did for Rarity. Even if they don't end up together, she is tagged just as much as Rarity is, and this story is their story.

Author Response

>> Cryosite

I suppose such an in-depth review deserves a reply and my thoughts. Most of what you said is definitely true, with the piece riddled with grammatical mistakes and perhaps some poor scene and sentence choices. I've since tried to get more people to look at my stuff before I let it go public.

The problem is, we don't get that bigger, more serious story.

This was more of a personal choice, as I have tried both longer stories and one-shots. What I notice is that usually when I begin an epic tale, 9 times out of 10 I end up canceling it due to lack of motivation, as I only do this as a side hobby and nothing more. I prefer to cut it short and let readers think of it what they will, as I feel that always makes for a better ending than an unfinished novel.

There were also weird tense errors.

The tense problems were mostly slip-ups in my typing and aren't excusable. I apologize for any that you found.

AJ's speech was abysmal.

Duly noted. This was my first attempt at doing an accent with AJ, and admittedly I probably went a little overboard. I'll try to fix that in any of my future works, and I'll talk wit some others before trying it out again.

It was all a dream.

As for this trope, I don't feel that it detracts from the story very much. I wanted to give Rarity the power of flight and fulfillment is always the easiest way to do it. I never intended the dream to be a secret and actually tried to show the reader it clearly was a dream. I only have Rarity accept it as reality because nobody realizes that a dream is a dream until they wake up. I don't see how physically being in the dream world is a problem when it doesn't turn into some deus ex machina.

Rainbow's Mane

>> Jondor

Seeing how I've had this complaint twice, I'll say this. I pulled it out in the very beginning as a cheesy joke and to start the thought process behind Rarity considering her own sexuality, but had I known this joke I made in the first scene would cause such a big ruckus, I wouldn't have included it entirely.

Regardless, thank you for the feedback. I'll be sure to consider it in my future works.

Forgiven, by Alesiopdv
One of my earlier "reviews" before I'd really narrowed in on what level of detail I wanted to focus on.

Twilight let Trixie, in not exactly a gentle way.

Missing word. "go" perhaps?

Sunset didn't answered and just rubbed her hoof in the floor, looking uncomfortable.

answer

"I suggested that the Princess might be feeling lonely, after all those days she was away from her loyal subjects," Trixie said, nuzzling Twilight.

After being levitated away Trixie is never described as approaching close to Twilight. Unless Twilight dropped her close by, which isn't clearly stated either. Twilight also is not described as being startled by the sudden closeness either.

One of the three explanations would be appropriate.

"...I want to," Sunset replied and Twilight´s face went completely red.

So far Twilight's reactions are a bit... odd. Seeing Trixie in her bedroom doesn't surprise her, and results in her simply wanting to evict the unicorn. Seeing Sunset causes Twilight to inexplicably blush. Apparently Twilight finds her hot, but... why?

As for Trixie, she's basically being ignored as best as I can tell. This doesn't seem like something she would be so accepting of.

Sunset was also nervous, trying to strike a seductive pose but she kept slipping on the silky sheets.

Cute.

This would have been a good point to describe both mares a bit better. It seems like Trixie is a bit more in the lead at this point, and giving the focus of the paragraph to her would have given you a chance to paint that image more firmly.

Giving Sunset her own paragraph depicting her nervousness and subsequent clumsiness would have made this part of the scene a bit more cute still.

But it didn't took long to become something real, their intimacy rising with each second their lips kept locked.

take

Twilight snapped out of her excited state and with a slightly lecherous smile lighted her horn, magically removing the straps.

lit

Actually, full rewrite:

Twilight snapped out of her excited state with a slightly lecherous smile, lit her horn, and magically removed the straps.

Sunset was surprised by this but she had to admit that Twilight had more dexterity with her magic than any other unicron she knew. No wonders she was Celestia´s top student.

Wait, what? I didn't realize taking off a saddle with telekinesis was such an amazing feat of magical dexterity. It's something earth ponies are able to do with simply their hooves; unicorn telekinesis is usually expected to be that dextrous or more.

Sunset blushed and rolled over the sheets, giving Twilight permission to take her accessory off.

Once the saddle was off, Sunset rolled once more, exposing her belly and waiting for Twilight to take off her shoes.

It isn't clear what position Sunset started in at this point, but she was recently described as "slipping on the sheets" before making out with Trixie. It might be a good idea to indicate during the makeout that perhaps she was on her back? Otherwise this paragraph implies that Sunset rolled to expose saddle-fastenings (presumably under her barrel) then rolled pointlessly to end up still on her back and offer her shoes for removal.

She never imagined Twilight will be interested in her, let alone so infatuated as her kissing and caressing indicated.

would

Also, Twilight has been blushing heavily at the mere sight of Sunset up til this point. Come on, Sunset. Get with the program?

"Princess, don't ignore me!"

Oh here we go. Trixie is still Trixie!

Sunset smiled and lighted her own horn, easily removing them. Twilight looked at her and Sunset had a big smug smile. After all, she was also a former student of Celestia and had her own st of skills.

lit

set? standard? not sure.

Once again, Celestia seems to mentor only those unicorns capable of handling the fasteners of basic pony clothing. Only the best.

Twilight watched them go once more but then felt the need to ask: "So, how did you two exactly met?"

ask,"So how

met

Twilight was about to protest but instead deciding to return the kiss.

decided

She had to admit that the stage magician was as skilled with her tongue like she as with fireworks.

as she was with

Sunset didn´t really had a good view from the angle she was so she crawled from under Twilight.

have

was at, so

Not sure I agree with Sunset though; that seems like it would be a pretty good viewing angle to me.

Trixie took advantage of the free space to get closer and star embracing Twilight.

start

Trixie haven't been very specific about her previous encounters with the Princess but it was obvious that they were acquaintances, very close acquaintances.

hadn't

also, neither has the author!

Anyway. that's about halfway through the story and I've already found more errors than expected. Nearly every paragraph has at least one glaring error, and often there are errors in each sentence. Sometimes more than one in a single sentence. You really ought to go over your work better.

Grammar is just the first step though. Once you have the grammar cleaned up, then we can work on fixing a lot of the bigger and more important problems. Grammar just makes sure we all understand what it is you're saying, rather than trying to interpret it into basic English.

For example:
Characterization

In terms of the characters, you are relying very heavily on name-recognition alone. What this means is that you're relying on the viewer to imagine what the character looks like, sounds like, and how they'd act, and what kinds of facial expressions they'd have without giving any of those details yourself. You're relying on the viewer to be familiar with the characters from having watched the show/movie and for them to have the same kind of interpretation you have. It's your job as the author to give us those things.

At least with Trixie you make a few token efforts at portraying her personality, as I mentioned above. You could do a lot better, but for now use her as a baseline.

The Sunset you've depicted is a bland unicorn with a color scheme and a name, and who is apparently very oblivious, fairly shy, and randomly horny. I understand the Movie/whatever doesn't give nearly as much material to work with as the show, and this is supposed to be a short clopfic, but you could have just as easily put Fluttershy or miss mayor into your story with how little personality you bothered to show. Try it if you like, just change the name and the initial description. Does it still work as well as your existing story? How can you add more detail that lets us be more comfortable that this is indeed Sunset Shimmer?

Twilight has a very well explored and intricate personality. She should be easy to depict as a result. Other than being worn out from a busy day, then apparently super-turned on by Sunset, there is really no personality given to her. Toward the end she turns bossy and even uses the Royal Canterlot Voice (which might be a bit funny). Nothing is shown of the bookwormish intellectual we all know and love. Nothing is shown of the kind and dedicated friend. Nothing is shown of the sarcastic and snarky scholar who uses her wit and education confidently. You only very lightly make use of her detail-oriented OCD nature with the ending bit of the shoes (which you mispell as "shows").

Scene logisitcs
As evidenced by a couple of the errors I pointed out above, you lose track of what your own characters are doing and where they are. The story takes place in a small room, with most of it happening on a bed. Yet you still lose track of these things. If you can't keep track of them, your reader is going to be lost and that detracts from the more important things.

Who's eyes are we seeing this through? The point of view doesn't seem like it can decide if it wants to be Twilight's or Trixie's for the most part. For a fairly short and straightforward story like this, you should probably just stick with telling the full scene from Twilight's perspective. Addtionally, it is ok for us to know her inner thoughts. What kinds of things go through her head while she's looking at the two mares in her room.

Continuity
Last I heard, Trixie had fled Ponyville after "Magic Duel" and Sunset Shimmer was in Canterlot High after the movie. What brings them to Canterlot Castle in Equestria? You hint at a possible relationship between Trixie and Twilight, and you also explicitly describe a friendship between Trixie and Sunset. This isn't a mystery story, and it's supposed to be short. So be more clear and outright say these things. Spend a little time making the reader comfortable with the fact they're in your scene and at least give us a paragraph or two letting us be comfortable with them leaving where we expect them to be so they can be in your scene without distraction. Something as simple as "Twilight found her marefriend Trixie dressed blah blah blah in her chambers..." would help get rid of any concern as to why she's there and why Twilight isn't overly concerned about it.

Pacing
Obviously the story is supposed to be short and is intended to get us to the steamy action in bed. that's fine. So a lot of what you're missing needs to be woven into the action in bed, so we're not left with too much time on the floor. In that regard, the amount of "stuff" happening in bed is pretty minimal. It feels pretty rushed. You're already spending the effort to get us to that point, may as well let the characters and readers enjoy themselves for awhile.

You also have three fairly talented magicians. It seems odd that any of them would limit their magic use to just undressing (which is apparently incredibly difficult to do). Think of telekinesis as an extra hand, with all the dexterity of a human hand. Now get creative with how it could be used to touch, grip, or hold things during bed play. This isn't even about making complicated spells, altering body parts, or conjuring toys. This is supposed to be very basic magic that all but the weakest unicorns can do and make use of in their day to day lives.

Overall, you're right: this could be an interesting threesome. There is certainly a lot of visual appeal available. However there is a ton of work needed to make this actually good.

Author Response

thank you a lot! As you can see, I don´t have a regular editor and I still have issues with the whole grammar thing, every time I think I got it right, turns out I made another mistake so this helps a lot.
As for your other comments:
- Well, I actually wrote this BEFORE watching the movie, back when there was only a trailer, I should have added to the description. I have no idea what Sunset personailty will be so I wrote her like this. Funny that she kinda turns like this at the end.
I do admit that Twilight is a little bit OOC but since she´s the dominate one here I decided to just run along with it. My fault, I admit.
Your point here reminds me of a tumblr I write in a frequent basis, one of the mods who´s an english mayor or something, basically told me and others that since this is fanfiction, it´s assumed that readers come knowing who the characthers are and there´s no need for physical description or minor personality ones. Readers are assumed to already know that but I do admit that maybe I wrote a little too off and I ca understand if this threw you off the story, my bad.
- Good point. I have no excuses other than I´m just struggling with narrative. Again, my bad.
- Yeah about this, I´m sorry to say that I´m not the type who really cares about continuity, at least for little scenes like this one. My favourite episode is Baby Cakes and one of the reasons is because there´s a one month gap between the opening and the actual episode that it´s never adressed. The way I see it several episodes happened in between the scene in the hospital and the actual babies episode so as you can see, I think this could fit anywhere.
Now about Trixe and Twilight I do admit is my fault for not make it clear. They´re not exactly dating, I was trying to imply that Trixie and Twilight have an on and off physical relationship and that Twilight doesn´t care much for her Again, OOC but it´s meant to be more humurous than anything.
It´s supossed to be set shortly after the movie but again, since it´s something it will never happen in the show, it could happen anytime you want. At least, that´s the way I see it.
- Again, this is just me being a poor writer and not being able to translate ideas into text. It´s not supossed to be complicated, it was more like the idea of using magic to undress them it´s highly erotic for them. They´re all magic students so in my mind they have kind of a fetish.
And going back to charactherization, my idea at the time was that Sunset have a thing for Celestia just like Twilight so there´s this "senpai-kohai" thing. Sunset is the superior student but Twilight surpassed her so now she´s in charge, it´s all very S&M of them...
You know, you´re right I should try again harder and expand on all of this. So many ideas.
Thank you so much for your critique. The fact that you took this long to write it means to me you really cared for the story, regardless of being just a short kinky tale, and sincerely wanted to help me.
I really apreciate that!

Trial and Error, by RainbowlightSparkledash

First off, thank you for contributing to best ship.

Unlike many stories, I think your cover description is pretty good. It actually gives me a rough idea of what the story is and made me want to read more. You didn't put a bunch of distracting and useless stuff like a lot of people do. Just the story. Great job on that, I mean it.

As far as the plot goes, it works fine for a quick little slice of life bit. Twilight is overworked, self-inflicted for sure, and Rainbow comes to the rescue. There are some hints at some attraction that are reasonably subtle, which was surprising in an enjoyable way.

The problem is, that you have to pause and reread what is going on several times in order to make any of that out. I wasn't really looking for grammar errors, and none were so bad that they leapt out at me if there are any. But the passing is so ridiculously fast that we have no real chance to let any part of the scene sink in.

Take the brief but with Spike. You have him tagged as an important part of the story but he has no lines and does nothing important for the story at all. You could cut all mention of him from the story and it would change nothing. You could go two ways to improve this. The easy way would be to take his tag off the story. You would probably still want to edit the story a bit to improve it, but this route keeps your existing story as-is. The other route would be to give Spike a significant role. Perhaps write a bit of dialog between them. Have him either try to get Twi to take a break as he plays the role of occasional wisdom when she gets slightly nutty, or have him go oblivious assistant mode, and feed her obsession with her project. You have at least three different choices there that, if worked into your existing story, could lead to a lot of improvement.

Then you have the project itself. Expand on it. Let us spend some time with slightly crazy, tired, and focused Twilight. She's a fun character to read about, so write about her. The project doesn't sound super interesting, but it does sound like something Twilight would study. Give us one of her pages of notes;perhaps have her reading some details about the Cakes being earth ponies and having a unicorn and a pegasus children. Surely she would interview them about their parents and grandparents as far back as she could, as well as sibling, aunts and uncles, and even cousins, nephews and nieces.

When Rainbow shows up, things get even more confusing, compounded by the too-fast pacing. Rather than be the sort of conflict that would be expected, Twilight immediately sets her work aside and suggests a break herself. I guess technically Rainbow showing up prompted Twilight, but this isn't what we were led to believe was going to happen.

Having Rainbow be interested in helping Twilight is an interesting touch, but it is a little out of character. It would work a lot better if you didn't the time selling it. As a suggestion on how to do this, I would expect Twilight to at least at first be resistant to doing her research. Rainbow would try a few things to get her to stop, the first few ideas fail, so she tries something unexpected. Having her offer to help would not only be more believable in that context, it would make for a lengthier scene, and slow the pace down as is desperately needed.

Now, I'm not all that sure what you were trying to convey exactly by having Twilight make a mistake and have Rainbow point it out. This is mostly because you were so vague with it and rushed through everything that it was hard to really follow. Bit continuing on with my suggestions so far, having Rainbow point out some little mistake could be how she finally gets Twi to realize she needs a break, and she admits defeat.

The near-kiss teasing was cute, and Twilight developing slight feelings for Rainbow was subtly done as I suggested before. I'd keep that and work it into the new version of the story, and see if you can build up to it a bit more. Other little things like the nose-to-cheek affectionate greeting were also good. Try to work more little things like that into the extended interaction. They can serve both as distractions that Rainbow would do on purpose to get Twilight to mess up, and would send signals to Twilight (perhaps wrong) that Rainbow is flirting with her which drives her into more worry mode.

Overall, needs to be longer. Even if you like none of my suggestions, at least so something to slow the story down. Take your time with the scene, the characters, and what they're doing, saying, and thinking.

Author Response

Best ship indeed. :') Thank you so much for these tips, you've helped me massively with this piece. I have updated it and added loads of new stuff. Hopefully it's better now. Please don't hesitate to give me more tips, I appreciate them immensely.

Afterclop, by Blank!

So, I know what I read, I just don't know why. The obvious impulse to answer "Cryo, you were looking for a clopfic, and due to the title/premise you thought you'd get to read about Twilight playing with her bits." That might seem to be an accurate answer, but it would be wrong because it answers a different, though very similar, question than the one I asked.

On to the what.

What this is is a character study. It is not a story in anything but the most permissive sense. Stuff happens, but we're given no reason for this particular slice to be told about. There is no plot. There is no conflict. There is no meaningful growth, change, or even just something silly happening for cheap laughs. What is there, and what is cheap, is that the story dances around the fact that Twilight was masturbating shortly before the story starts.

With that understood as far as what this is and isn't, the characterization is... interesting to say the least. Not interesting in the sense that it grips you and keeps you hooked into the story, wanting to read more. Interesting in that it takes a fair amount of thought to wrap my head around it. Several things about Twilight's depiction in the piece are recognizable to the character we know and love. There are parts that delve a little deeper than the surface shown on the show, and they build Twilight in a particular direction that at least tentatively is believable. I am specifically referring to the necessary inclusion of lists, Twilight's particular use of them as laid out here, and her reasons and musings as to why. All of that is rather solid. There are of course objectionable things, but I'm mostly focusing on the positive things here first and will get into those later. Structure is important, after all.

Between Twilight's musings on the Rarity/Spike dynamic, and her thoughts about her friend specifically, those were fairly good and dovetailed well with the aforementioned depiction of Twilight. The brief amount of time we spend outside of Twilight's head and being allowed to directly observe Rarity and Spike are also well done, and very believable.

And that pretty much dries up the well in terms of positive things to say. It is a character study, and it does a passing job on characterization. Only passing though, not amazing or insightful, and certainly not engaging.

On to the technical/grammar/style section!

Despite generally good grammar and well-constructed prose, there were a few errors that popped out to me in particular. Wrong/mispelled words at least one of which should have been picked up by and spellchecker, while the other two would have been found by an out-loud reading probably:

In chapter 1, "won" should be own.
In chapter two, "sa" should be said, "abstracted" should be distracted.

Also, as pointed out by Worldslayer over there, you have this giant block of empty space at the end. I was prompted to highlight everything to see if there was some irritating white-colored "hidden" text or something, but no.

For something that barely tops 1k words, these sorts of things stand out all the more, and are easier to find and fix than in a novel.

I don't normally pick on style too much, unless there is something atrociously wrong. In this section, I'm pretty much expressing a bias here. I understand some readers enjoy this sort of thing, but I personally don't, I know this is my opinion, but I do know it is not a rare one. Video links and links to other outside material like pictures are always bad. Even when they're done well they still break immersion. Taking even a moment to look away from the story to fiddle with youtube is time your brain is forcibly taken out of the narrative and forced to deal with reality before working back into the magic of storytelling. Now, the fact that this character study lacks any immersive quality to speak of means that there is none to break, but in the off chance you do work on this and turn it into an actual story, do keep in mind that even for those who enjoy it, even if your selection of music is spot-on, it still ruins what you're primarily going for: immersion.

Which leads me out of the technical section and into the meat. The bad. Back to the fact that this is a character study. There are two major sections to this, part A and part B.

Part A.

The characterization, as mentioned above, is pretty much the be-all and end-all of a character study. You have no plot, no conflict, no growth, nothing. You are essentially showing us a picture of who Twilight is, by examining a small slice of her life. Now, in this endeavor, there are parts you did well I'll remind you. You have a decent framework of who and what Twilight is in there. The bad is that it is all used to set up this... personality that doesn't fit at all. At the risk of sounding like a personal attack, I can only assume you're writing some of yourself into this character, as is generally the case of all authors. I only bring it up because while it is generally understood that authors do write themselves into the story they tell (write what you know), there is also an expected effort to hide or mask that self as well as possible. Perhaps you were trying to with the somewhat more than merely token nods to canon quirks and personality elements. Maybe it would be possible to do a better job and end up far less objectionable.

Now, this wouldn't be the first attempt by anyone to look into the sex-life of one of the characters, nor will it be the last. The idea that Twilight is a somewhat creepy nymphomaniac who has to mentally keep herself in check to avoid staring at and becoming aroused by her friend simply by being in proximity with her is a hard one to accept. That this is Twilight's normal, and she mentally cheers (accompanied with picture) for successfully not doing so is really odd.

Part B.

If the story were to continue, hypothetically, into a scene where Twilight loses control in the spa and ends up embarrassing herself in front of Rarity, only for Rarity to reciprocate and delve into steamy and sticky lust-slaking, it wouldn't surprise me. It feels like I'm reading a bad porn setup, and that is the direction it is going in.

But it doesn't.

If we were thrust into Twilight's bedroom to witness her actually making the mess, then we were "treated" to all this aftermath like some sort of over-long epilog to a mindless clopfic, it wouldn't surprise me either.

I'm honestly not sure if I should be happy or disappointed neither of those happened. I suppose disappointed, and I again reference the initial question of why this was read. If it were just a bad clopfic, at least the point of its having been created would be obvious: porn. If this was some well-written, but perhaps smutty in parts, story that followed this variant of Twilight around and actually depicted her being tempted, dealing with those temptations, and perhaps eventually coming to some kind of more stable and enjoyable solution, such as forming a friends-with-benefits relationship with one of her friends (Rarity comes to mind simply because of her already inclusion in the story), the collection of words would then at least have a purpose, and we readers would have a reason to read. There would be a story to tell and be told to us. We would have a reason for accepting this variant of Twilight, and we would have context for why we're being shown her.

As it stands now, you essentially have some words thrown together that say that Twilight masturbated, went to sleep, woke up, cleaned herself and her room up, then went to go hang out with her friend for the day. The attempts to turn what is normal behavior into something slightly abnormal through twisting Twilight's character around don't in and of themselves make this a story. Again, this is still Twilight's normal, and this particular day doesn't stand out in any way whatsoever. Slice of Life doesn't mean pointless, it just means the scope of the story is very small and focused.

Author Response

Well, this is a "clop story" in that it's a story about clop. Why does one regularly masturbate? How does it make one feel? What conflicts can it create, or, for that matter, relieve?

Why write a story about it, one may ask? (Heck, this story ended up featured in the "WHY?" group, somehow). Because no-one else will, as far as I know. Because it's a topic close to my heart and an important part of my life since puberty, for better or for worse, and I want to talk about it frankly and in depth.

As for Twilight being a closet pervert, the idea comes mostly from Demesne. I found Twilight the Creeper who Pervs very entertaining, and, honestly, relatable, and I couldn't help but want to experiment with it.

"Abstracted" is being used correctly, though people keep trying to correct me I might change it just to avoid confusion.

The Magician and the Detective, by Bad Horse

I'm not really a fan of Holmes, so I can't really say for sure whether this is an accurate/traced copy of any particular episode/book of anything bearing his name, or even if the characterization and other desirable traits are close or faithful. With that aside, this was an enjoyable read and I don't feel the story was lacking due to my own ignorance. Indeed it didn't even really feel like a crossover to me, so by that standard excellent work.

For the side I was familiar with, the MLP side, still rather enjoyable. I could easily buy the earth pony who you presented to me, and I could also really buy the Trixie you presented.

I realize the exchange between Holmes and Trixie in her hotel room was told from Watson's perspective, and thus necessarily vague due to his limited understanding. However I would have liked to been more privy to the details of that conversation. It seemed like it would have been a much stronger sell on the romance side of things had we been given the privilege of those details and nuances. I recognize a lot of the other story considerations that may have been ruined by that alteration, but I can't help but want them anyway.

Related to the above, I must say the scene in the gardens successfully caught me by surprise. Not so much due to the nature of Trixie's perspective which I saw coming, but in Watson's (and to some degree Holme's) completely missing it.

Lastly, the ending is probably staying true to Holme's character, but I can't help but be dissatisfied with it. After becoming interested in this earth pony, his mind, and how he interacts with Trixe, while simultaneously being presented with a rather badass Trixie that I want to see more of, and see get what she wants and deserves, the ending was "bad." Not in the sense of badly written (it was the opposite) or in being bad characterization (I assume it is good), but in that it left me dissatisfied with my hopes of a "happily ever after" and not getting it.

In the end, still earned a thumbs-up. If for no other reason than presenting a Trixie that felt really good, and expanded in a way I liked. Even if the story didn't deliver what I selfishly wanted out of it, it did deliver entertainment rather well. Many scenes were elegantly done, and will stick with me.

Author Response

Thanks for the helpful review!

I realize the exchange between Holmes and Trixie in her hotel room was told from Watson's perspective, and thus necessarily vague due to his limited understanding. However I would have liked to been more privy to the details of that conversation. It seemed like it would have been a much stronger sell on the romance side of things had we been given the privilege of those details and nuances. I recognize a lot of the other story considerations that may have been ruined by that alteration, but I can't help but want them anyway.

If you'd made this comment a few hours earlier, I might have used it as an example of focusing attention by telling, in my last blog post, on showing versus telling. Largely I summarized as much as I did to keep the scene from being disproportionately long. I thought I wrote enough dialogue to give the gist of it. If I had given the details of the conversation, it would have been harder to make sure the reader got the important points: that both were unconventional and impolitely straightforward, that Holmes was attracted to Trixie but resisted it, and the combination of normal pony feelings (the pattern of flirtation) with highly unusual intelligence and beliefs (flirting, but by different rules). But I often err on the side of summarizing too much.

Related to the above, I must say the scene in the gardens successfully caught me by surprise. Not so much due to the nature of Trixie's perspective which I saw coming, but in Watson's (and to some degree Holme's) completely missing it.

So you didn't find it unbelievable that they both missed it?

My response, or "Review part II?"

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Unbelievable, no. After the fact, it did make sense to me that they both failed to catch on.

It was surprising that they both did, for different reasons. Watson seemed a bit keyed in on the attraction between the two, but not being the deductive prodigy Holmes is, I can see him failing to catch the invitation. Holmes really caught me by surprise, but then his inability to admit the attraction to himself and repeatedly failing to get Trixie was foreshadowed by many things, to include the note she left at the first Hotel Holmes checked.

As for the scene length/tell/show stuff, I understand why things were paced the way they were. Allow me to elaborate a little on what I mentioned as my "selfish" wants.

I believe in all communications there are multiple stories going on. There is the story the author wishes to tell, there is the story the reader wishes to read. Then there is the story that actually happens between the two, and sometimes additional stories are generated by other readers and discussion of a piece, and various other things.

I get the feeling the story you wished to tell in this particular case closely matches what I read; this is an excellent sign of good writing. It takes that skill to get someone to enjoy your story when they're still expecting to read their story like what happened with me.

Now, the story I was expecting, that which your story did not deliver, was this wonderful romance where these two ridiculously intelligent ponies give me all kinds of wonderful interplay, and leave onlookers like Watson baffled as to what it is they're actually talking about. A story where Trixie manages to succeed in something for once. A story where she manages to fool Holmes, as she did in your story, but in doing so breaks his shell. Cracks his defenses and gets inside. Undoubtedly this would be a fairly massive stray from Holmes character, I must assume due to my lack of familiarity, and in so I'm denied this.

Would such an interplay drag a scene on, and in it's massiveness leave important little plot details without the focus? Indeed they would. Such a thing would easily surpass our conceptual counting limits. I would feel that, in my story, such an interplay would be it's own reward.

Further on with my story, the scene in the gardens would go quite differently. Watson would be shocked as Holmes sits at Trixie's blanket, having finally gotten her, and finally accepted it himself. It's so completely obvious that Trixie gets him, understands him, and can even outwit him.

It's more than a little sad that he kept his defenses intact, when I imagine the alternatives that bubble together to form that unwritten tale I can only try to convey. But that would be my story, not yours. I at least can objectively separate the two, and still see your story for what it is, and enjoy it.

Siren Night, by Metaskipper

So at the moment I am of the habit of putting some priority on reading things in the aftermath of Rainbow Rocks. There seems to be quite a bit of material being churned out, and it seems I am not alone in having been inspired by the movie, or by the Dazzlings in particular. The volume of material of course means that despite my high interest in the subject, a lot of new stories are being condemned to the "read later" pile, to possibly never actually be seen. While this particular story was on my pile, something I intended to someday get to, you can thank "The Last Roundup" for getting it off the pile and actually read.

The good.

First off, this story is... something. It obviously inspired me to write this review. The incredibly short version of the story is that in the aftermath of the Battle of the Bands finale, the Sirens are adjusting to their new lives, grieving over the loss of their identity as singers, and getting through the process to continue living and embrace their new lives. This bit of story is a very popular one to write about, as the movie leaves us begging to know just what happens to these three after they step into our minds on screen with so much charisma and moxie it is ridiculous. In that regard, this particular telling of that tale is fairly acceptable. It has some conflict between the three, but it is handled in a much more believable fashion than I typically see in this story as told by others. Also, the human 6 are not treated as mindless fix-its, with one or more sirens fleeing her comrades to be insta-redeemed simply by having lunch with the Rainbooms a few times.

That the story lets us get past that conflict and on to their reforging themselves is a strong point of this telling. Rather than give up singing, they each find or refind their connection to song, get past the anger of no longer being good at it, and just fight to do what singing is about: expression. In the end, they not only find that, but re-find what they are to each other, and what it is that makes them such a solid trio.

While at this point not especially original, what the story is about is good. It is a better version that I typically see where one of the sirens, usually Sonata, is exiled by the other two and so on. You're avoiding most of the pitfalls of this story that others tend to fall into, with mixed results. You have a good foundation.

Characterization is another strong point of the story. You've given us a fairly intense look at not just one, but all three of the sirens, and you've managed to expand on their canon slice of the picture and fleshed them out just a bit more, and in a direction each that is easy to accept and entertaining to explore. That said, it does feel like Sonata and Aria get a bit more of the treatment, while Adagio is sort of... there. Not entirely ignored, but her character feels dangerously close to "afterthought" territory.

On to the technical stuff. In other words... no, not the bad, the ugly. Oh boy.

My apologies for that dreadful chunk of grammar and formatting. It was a choice between style and grammar, and alas, poor Yorick, style won this time.

While this is a quote from your author note from "Midnight," it really applies to the whole story. It is also horrendously wrong. There was no choice between style and grammar, there was simply a blatant lack of understanding of grammar. I'm honestly baffled by the comments I see others have made praising the style of this telling, because I frankly do not see what style choice or value was gained from things like flopping from tense to tense like a fish on land, unpredictable shifts in POV, and even shifts between third limited and third omniscient. Hell, you even go to future tense for no apparent reason at one point.

These are not style choices. You are not some talented writer deciding to purposefully break the rules of grammar for the sake of expressing something artistic. What you have accomplished is taking the readability of this pieces and swilling it around in the toilet. While someone like ConningOffier there expresses the result as a compliment, claiming to have been "challenged" the results are a good example of why this was badly written. You force someone to reread something and interpret what the hell it is they are looking at. The point of style and grammar is to immerse your reader, to convey your imagery as easily and cleanly as possible.

In addition to that, we also have incredibly problematic pacing. We're given at most a single short scene per chapter. It certainly feels a lot longer than it really is, because we're forced to spend so much time rereading any given part to figure out what has been said. If the grammar problems were all cleaned up so the story actually flows freely, we'd run into the problem that we'd be at the end in no time flat.

Inparticular, an example of such a pacing problem: the meeting between Sonata and Pinkie. This is a major part of the story. It is pivotal. This is a scene that sets the entire rest of the story. But rather than telling us the story about how it went through, we're merely told it happened.

In Aria's chapter, she too has something resembling a change of heart. I detected some sort of mention that she'd like to be rivals with Rainbow Dash. While that is an interesting prospect, we're left wondering because it is sort of tacked on, and nothing comes of it ever again.

You give us a chapter for Adagio, where she is contemplating suicide and several choices in how to perform it. This could be a powerful piece of story, but as with everything else, we're rushed through it, and it's over before we're given any opportunity to really feel the depths of Adagio's depression. We're sort of just off-handedly told that she's pretty sad and thinking of ending it all. Wait, what?

I managed to find several positive things to say about the story. The problem is that it took a fair amount of digging, and I am being rather generous with the praise. While the things I said are 100% true, I have to say that the execution, due to the horrid mangling of grammar, really ruins most of what positive value those things have. You have a solid foundation. The story you're telling is good, and the choices and expansion of the known with your own material make for a good piece, but in order to see and understand that we have to translate your words into something that makes sense. This story is in desperate need of editing. If you want to take what is at this point just a solid foundation, and actually turn it into a good story, it will take a lot of major revision.

With the errors fixed, it would be easier to understand what places you could expand on, to really tell your story better. Clean up the foundation, then build on it.

Excellent! That means I have a future in writing works that will be studied in educational institutions many years after I leave this side of eternity!

At the moment, no. This story wouldn't even serve as a decent example of what not to do. It isn't so bad as to have value as a study subject, it simply makes some very blatant and basic mistakes rather thoroughly.

You've had plenty of praise. Some people, at this point, might say, "I'm sorry to have to ruin the good mood," but I'm not that sort of person. Hopefully you'll gain more benefit from my review than the praise. I see no reason to apologize for that. Indeed, I'd like to take a moment to point out that I am frankly baffled at the praise the others are heaping upon you. I am worried that in the absence of some honest critique, you might have been led to believe that you were doing well, and coast on, continuing the course. I really do hope that you examine what it is you have written, seek the assistance of one or more competent editors, and actually continue to work on this story. Barring that, this is a situation where it is actually harmful to get nothing but good praise.

Author Response

Graci for the critique. I was pretty facetious with the "educational institution" remark, but it's always good to get a hard look at your own work.
Well, back to the ol' keyboard....

A Rare Moment of Sirenity, by Norm de Plume

Well, as far as excuses to get characters to have sex go, this one isn't so bad. "Sirens wounded in the attack and the Rainbooms help nurse them back to health with sex" isn't terribly deep, but the story writes that so sincerely that you almost miss the cliche.

We spend the entire time in the story from Adagio's point of view. We get to enjoy some of her thoughts and how she perceives things. There are a lot of details, especially her frequent relating of things to her experiences as an aquatic being, that feel pretty natural and are a great expansion on the character. We also get to see Adagio's role as a leader to the other two sirens, and as such that she does care for their well-being. I also enjoyed the little quirk that was pretty much thrown in about her enjoying coffee. It was a humanizing touch that was entertaining.

Normally the sex in these stories is pretty bad. I'd hesitate to call it good, but it does stand out as failing to be obviously awful as typically is thrown around on the site, so good job. Most of the time things are rushed to the messy and noisy parts, relying on a sense of high lust to justify the characters setting aside their mental faculties. One of the better strengths of this story is that the characters involved, while horny, still retained the ability to think rationally. There was at least an attempt at making the scene sensual rather than raunchy.

I didn't really notice any glaring problems with grammar or style. While there were a few points that were a bit awkwardly written, I don't think they were necessarily grammar errors. Maybe they were. I'm too tired to really go over with a fine-toothed comb or anything.

On to the problems.

Despite the good parts, the biggest problem with the story is that I frequently had to stop and reread various parts to try to figure out what was actually being described. As mentioned in the grammar section, there was a distinct issue with the flow of the scenes in various places. One example that stuck out to me was towards the beginning, where Adagio and Rarity are talking and Sunset is on her way to meet them and shows up. For some reason Adagio is touching Rarity. There seems to be some issue with this, but it's unclear exactly what. Sunset clearly has some kind of issue with it, but again it's a mystery why. I was somewhat suspecting that perhaps Sunset and Rarity were together and Sunset was jealous... but that later proves to not be the case.

In fact, pretty much the entire story it's difficult to impossible to really get a "feel" for what exactly Sunset is meaning or thinking. What sort of tone or expression she has, so on. There is even a point where her emotions are explicitly stated (as she goes through a sequence of them) but I can't really tell if Sunset is about to fly into a jealous rage, jump Rarity or Adagio in lust, or what.

Rarity on the other hand has sort of the opposite problem going on. It's pretty easy to tell she is guilty about what was done. It's easy to tell she is attracted to Adagio. Her emotions and feelings are pretty damn obvious, but they're obvious to us via narration, not so much obvious to Adagio. For as attentive as Adagio is, and how much we are privy to her thoughts, she never really seems to notice most of how Rarity is feeling and think about it explicitly.

The other big problem is the jarring transition from the opening scene to the apartment scene. While the bare essentials of the whole magical wound thing is presented, we're left with the impression that there is legitimate worry of hostility from Adagio's perspective, and what little we can tell of Sunset's demeanor she isn't all that friendly. When we get to the apartment, everyone is leaning on each other, rubbing and touching each other, and generally comfortable and even affectionate with each other.

I'm somewhat amused by the pairing-off that seems rather arbitrary of Fluttershy with Sonata, and Aria with Sunset. Neither of those is really all that important to the story though, as the focus is clearly on Rarity and Adagio. I know that Adagio's concern for her fellow sirens is the reason for Aria and Sonata's involvement, but the story could have been written differently. Sunset seems to have been put into the role of "leader of the Rainbooms" for some reason; with how poorly she was written, again the story could have been written differently to omit her as well.

Consider the alternative where instead of spreading the "good guys" participation in the story to three characters, why not have Rarity be more assertive and come up with her solution on her own? You could have her and Adagio go back to her place, try it out, see that it works, and make plans to share the therapy with the other two sirens. You'd still satisfy Adagio's concern for her fellows, and you'd still have all the important parts of the story. If you really must have Sunset's magical/equestrian expertise play a role in the story, simply have her and Rarity discuss the matter over the phone and cut out all the confusing characterization problems she presents in-person in the scenes.

I pointed out how the sex itself was not as bad as I typically see. It wasn't without problems though. While the focus is supposed to be sensual, it still is rushed. It's supposed to be a massage scene that lasts over an hour, but it feels barely longer than your typical 5-minute poke and tickle. There is some token effort spent from Rarity playing with Adagio's feet and legs for a bit, but then she pretty much just dives right in for the vagina and on to the orgasms. While you get bonus points for keeping up with Adagio's thinking through the process rather than just rattling off descriptions and actions, there is a detached feel to the sensations and actions that dulls the experience too much.

So, overall mediocre story. It has some strengths, and it could be reworked into something pretty good, but as it stands it simply isn't all that special.

Author Response

I'm reading what you're writing, and there are aspects I agree and disagree with. I'm still working out the disagreements in my head (because I'm old and getting slow. They're going to put me in a home soon.) but one thing I agree on is the bad idea to have Adagio actually put a time constraint on how long Rarity had been working on her. I am probably going to remove it or make similar adjustments, once I speak with some of my other pre-readers.

I'll see what I can do about the flow. A lot of that is because I find it's difficult in some quarters to have conversations about Rainbow Rocks. A few people I like either haven't seen it yet or don't get too involved with EG in the first place. When it comes to porn? Double it.

Sunset Shimmer: She really does need fleshing out, as I'd prefer to keep her, and I understand your concerns about the transition scene between coffee shop and apartment. I didn't want to get bogged down in a 'driving-over' scene, though, because that may have added a few more thousand words. We'll see what my experts tell me. I may seek your own input when you're more awake.

Off the Edge of the Map, by Daetrin

This story and I come together in something of an unusual manner. For a period of time I was fairly interested in the concept of Twiluna as a ship, and sought out “good” stories featuring the pairing. One of the stories that came recommended to me was Apotheosis, which at this point I’ve still not read. One of the hurdles to my having dove into it was this story, it’s prequel. I am pretty openly not a Flutterdasher, and I generally consider a romance between those two to be unhealthy for them, and my enjoyment of either character is diminished by that kind of unhappiness pushed upon them.

So, when I say this story really isn’t a romance, for me that is a good thing. Had this story not been tagged as such from the beginning, I likely would have read it quite a long time ago. At least more than a year ago, which is practically forever in internet time.

I’ll repeat that for emphasis. This story is not a romance. It should not be tagged as such. It is very much simply an adventure story, and it is very focused on the adventure these two characters go through. There could have been a much larger romantic element to the story and it still would fall well short of being something you’d tag [Romance]. I can only imagine that, over the years, a number of people have stumbled upon this story seeking a romance story and been somewhat disappointed.

As for being an adventure story, this one is interesting to examine. Our two pegasi are transported to an unknown place after a mishap. Much like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, the pair tries to get home and encounter several conflicts along the way. The characters chosen for the story, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, fit the setting and the conflicts well. At the time this story was written, none of the other m6 had wings, and a lot of flying around was necessary for the adventure. More than that, both pegasi brought a skillset that was needed from time to time, and seeing the approach these two had to solving various conflicts is what made the story worth reading.

As a thought exercise after the fact, I imagined what changes would need to have been made to the story if you replaced either character with Princess Twilight. A lot of very different approaches would be involved, but the simple question of “could they make it back?” would probably still come out yes. Mostly the thought exercise was to more distinctly examine how things were put together as-is. By seeing “could Twilight have taken the place of one or the other in this scene” it is easier to see what role Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash served. Some scenes probably would still work with the switch, while other conflicts feel like they would have become entirely trivial. The underground trek in darkness, for example, would have become rather trivial with Twilight’s ability to create light.

On to the good.

Being a fan of Rainbow Dash, I of course more closely examined the parts of the story that showcased her character. The thing that got them into the whole mess was her fault, but it made sense. It seems like the idea might have come from Boast Busters where Rainbow Dash was showing off to impress Trixie, and drew water from clouds with her speed to create an impromptu rainbow display. In this story that was ramped up to include a tube of stormclouds to add lightning and stuff to the effect. Sounds like something Rainbow Dash would come up with.

Dash’s loyal side was on display in a rather natural way throughout the story. It wasn’t something highlighted by temptation from “shadowbolts” or just some phrase she kept repeating. It was in how she acted, without thought. In the start, it was obvious Fluttershy is much weaker at flying, so Dash scouts around and uses her speed to more or less circle and zig zag around, instead of just going in a straight line and leaving Fluttershy behind, or going more slowly to let her keep up. When the inevitable “go on without me” speech comes from Fluttershy, Rainbow’s response is not “I’m going to awesome my way along and be awesome enough for the both of us!” it was instead an opportunity for her to bolster Fluttershy’s courage and resolve, and keep her from giving up.

I was also impressed with some of the conflicts in which Rainbow Dash was specifically challenged. The underground pit, something that in most circumstances wouldn’t be a threat to her, was suddenly very compelling. I was happy to see that the tired trope of Rainbow Dash being crippled/grounded wasn’t repeated. She does get injured at one point, but surprisingly, she is able to be injured in ways that don’t involve breaking or severing her wings!

Fluttershy was pretty well-done as a character also. I’d say she was quite a bit more brave than we see in the show. The fact that she can’t just run to her cottage and hide probably played a huge role in that bravery. Still, she came across as mostly timid, and her weakness was a recurring theme in the conflicts, so she played her role as quasi-antagonist at times, as we often see in the show. Her skillset as a semi-medical pony was used from time to time, and “wilderness survival” doesn’t feel like a stretch for her to know about. Her rapport with animals came in handy in several places. On the whole, it felt like a good showcase of Fluttershy being useful, if timid.

The string of conflicts the pair went through felt like a believable progression. There were fantastic magical things you’d expect from the world, alongside mundane problems. There was danger in a wide variety of forms. As mentioned above, I was rather engaged with their underground trek in total darkness. The similarity and contrast between the two injuries of Dash’s head-wound infection and the later broken wing Fluttershy endured made for a great bit of story.

On to the technical stuff.

I already mentioned that this story is mis-tagged as Romance.

The general grammar felt solid. Nothing distracted me from reading the story, though as usual, my own limitations in this area may be creating a false positive here. One notable exception was that the scene with Cantrot towards the end was fairly jarring, with large blocks of italics, then not italics, and so on. It seems it was intentionally jarring though.

The overall pacing of the story feels rushed. I realize it is a 35k word story, but this is an adventure story, and a lot of the conflicts feel kind of over before they’ve had much chance to make an impact. In some places we’re fed a fair amount of detail, then nothing of importance happens there and we never see the place again (such as with the island near the start). By comparison, 40k words is more or less the minimum for a novel. Many big adventure stories go well past that minimum and often need several books to fully tell. I realize this “story” does indeed have three books too it, but the stuff that goes on in just this book alone could be a trilogy easily.

I can’t really point to any one place in the story and say, “that right there was the climax.” If forced to pick, I’d suggest perhaps the interaction with the dragons, but then we get a bunch of other conflicts afterwards. The section with Cantrot feels like it might be the place in the story where the climax should be, but that conflict was… weak. The conflict in the Everfree is also a candidate, but might be a little too late in the story, and certainly doesn’t feel impactful enough. I’m more tempted to say that the story simply lacks one.

On to the bad.

I’ve brought up the romance bit a few times, but this is really the best place for the actual nitty gritty of it. So lets knock that out of the way first.

A [Romance] story is a story about romance. It focuses on the relationship between the characters, their feelings, their attraction, and their love. It can be about that romance beginning, ending, or simply watching it going through ups and downs and enduring. On a technical level, a romantic relationship forms between Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash in this story, mostly on the basis of shared trauma. But the only actual “romantic” stuff in the whole story is a few lines at the very end, with the two of them recognizing that their relationship as friends has changed. An actual romance story would, in this universe the story has created, center on the stuff that happens at this point on.

Off the Edge could become a romance story if a lot of major changes were made. For starters, a lot more focus on the interaction between the two would need to happen. It would need to involve some more realization of feelings for each other much sooner in the story. A lot of the existing interactions would need to be accompanied with romantic intent. Showing a progression of feeling from friends simply trying to survive together into love would need to become forefront material, rather than a vague idea that you can justify happened on technicality. Conflicts that threaten their relationship, rather than just their survival, would need to take place.

Most of the conflicts in the story, taken as a whole, do form a believable string of fantastic adventure material. Some were rather interesting to read through individually. But most of the conflict is weak and limp. I’ll address these in more detail now.

Our initial conflict is that the two of them are lost. They go from being lost to making their way home in what feels like a fairly straight line. If the line contains any zig-zagging, it’s because they’re following the path of least resistance, and no other route is really presented. They pause to rest and recover from injury/tiredness from time to time, but they make pretty reasonable progress for the most part. At no point do they “go the wrong way” nor do they ever really feel “trapped” at any particular spot. The “lost” conflict more or less fades away.

The island conflict involves an encounter with some kind of weird spirit. It starts out hostile, but that is resolved very quickly with a few words from Fluttershy. We go from lost in the middle of the ocean to being provided with a magic ship back to the mainland without any real sense of overcoming anything. In a better story, finding the island and dealing with the immediate problems of food and water would happen, but encountering the spirit would build up over several scenes. Perhaps once they figure out that the island has food and water, the two would worry about if they should stay and hope for some kind of rescue, leave and possibly starve/dehydrate over the open ocean still lost, or what. As encounters with the spirit escalate, they could finally confront it, then convince them to assist them in leaving, which is what it wants anyway.

The encounter with Scar and their time in the dragon nation more or less suffers from the same problems as the island. They show up, encounter the solution to their dilemma immediately, and go on about their way. This would be a perfect opportunity to throw all sorts of wrenches into the works, and imprison the ponies, delay them, misdirect them, or otherwise put their quest go get home in real jeopardy. Not to mention the very real danger of a whole lot of fire breathing dragons with big sharp teeth that could kill them. The potential for tension is huge. Instead we’re left with a vague sense that some sort of political situation existed and was just disrupted, without any real understanding of what things were like prior or after the ponies depart. It’s hinted to be something important to the trilogy as a whole based on Celestia’s reaction to the news, but in terms of this story, much more could have been done. Even without reading ahead to the other stories, I can’t help but think that whatever comes of this encounter, it could have been drawn out and made more compelling now without interfering with the bigger plans later. For example, the pair of ponies could have encountered some other dragon than Scar at first, and that dragon could have been much less benign to them. It could have pretended to be friendly, kept them imprisoned for it’s own entertainment with no intention of ever letting them go. Then this Scar could have discovered the “possessions” of this other dragon during a visit, taken an interest, then offered to be an ally to their escape in exchange for assistance in his own plans. We could have gotten to spend more time becoming sympathetic with the situation.

The scene with Cantrot was simply terrible. Once again we have some sort of weird spirit. Once again, things are resolved without any real work. The impact the conflict supposedly had on the two is supposed to be pretty strong. Fluttershy says she’ll have nightmares. But at no point did the supposed horror of the situation really feel there. Going back to my thought exercise, this felt like a conflict that, had Twilight been involved, we’d have a better opportunity to understand just what the hell is going on, because she would be driven to understand and we’d get to ride along. Instead we have two ponies who seem like they’re taking a few steps forward through a section of wilderness, and stopping to hallucinate for a few hours, then repeating the process and risking starvation as a result. We’re never given a chance to get to understand what is wrong before there is fire-not-fire, and some spirit speaking again and it’s all over. In order to really build up the supposed horror of this portion, we’d really need a few chapters. The fact that everything is not real becomes apparent way too quickly.

So, in the end, I have to say it was a fairly bad story. Even ignoring what it is labeled to be and is not, the portions that form the backbone of what it really is supposed to be, an adventure, were not well done. There are a few scenes that stand out as interesting, and the character interaction is decently solid, but we’re left with an unsatisfying string of events. Bad stuff happens, but the story never really feels tense. There is no sense of accomplishment.

Still, looking forward to now being able to read Apotheosis finally.

Author Response

Eeesh this is a long comment.

So, in the end, I have to say it was a fairly bad story.

While I'll admit it's at this point old and creaky (it was written over five years ago!) I'd say that's a bit strong. There are certainly weaknesses of many sorts, most of which I have cleaned up by the time Triptych and Cartography rolled around, but I'm still content with the basic setup.

A [Romance] story is a story about romance.

I'm going to semi-disagree here too. This is, again, partly a relic of when it was written (first few months of the fandom), but there is romance here. It's subtle, but it's there. I don't think romance in and of itself makes for a good plotline. It makes an excellent B-plot, not so much A-plot.
Most of the rest of your criticism is well enough taken, though again this was written five years ago and was basically my first story, so...yeah it's pretty coarse. Apotheosis is slightly better, but Triptych and Cartography are much better. Practice and all. That said, you seem to have entirely missed the point of Cantrot, and the implications with Scar. None of these things are random, but few of them are spelled out. Half the point was to demonstrate how big the world actually is, though other people have taken me to task for the half-a-story format the encounters use.[/quote

One In A Million, by Ocalhoun

I want to like this.

The basic premise is interesting. There were a lot of things that stressed my suspension of disbelief though.

Spoilers below for those who have not read it yet.

You sell the opening scene really well. Scootaloo's Cutie mark, earning it, and her reaction to it were well done. Twilight's disbelief, Rainbow's reaction and support, and the support of Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle were all good.

I was expecting Twilight and Rainbow to argue about taking Scootaloo along with them to Griffon Territory. I was a bit let down by instead being shunted into a petty school drama. Fair enough, trucking right along.

The initial bafflement by everyunicorn about the presence of an obvious pegasus was well executed. The shift from that to discrimination also felt very natural. What didn't feel right was the continued discrimination to the end of the story. Simply displaying that she can do magic would seem to be a novelty to some at least. I expected at least some of the other students would want to talk to her and ask questions, even if they were condescending about it, at that point.

While I can buy that the headmaster and at least one of the teachers would hide their curiosity and stick to being racist/tribalist for the sake of plot, it felt a bit weird that both Primrose and Honeydown were genuinely uncaring about her. I can see why it was done for plot reasons, but I kind of expected at least one of them (Miss Honeydown in particular) to be at least a little supportive once Scootaloo started displaying some actual ability.

Then we come to River Song. In some ways, she was excellently well done. Interestingly enough, she didn't actually discriminate against Scootaloo for not being a unicorn. I imagine she would have treated any roommate she got that way. The fact that she is both a genuinely gifted unicorn and enjoying the fact that she is the Headmaster's daughter sets her up to have the power she has. I can get that much, and she played a great antagonist as a result. The fact that this all takes place in a short week adds to the believability of it too.

What I can't really buy too well is Scootaloo's rather wishy-washy interaction with her. The glaring hole in the entire situation for me flares up at this point. Scootaloo doesn't have any compelling reason to stay. There is literally no drawback for her to simply be kicked out. She actively did not want to go in the first place and was forced. She doesn't like being there. She can't beat River Song, and has no support from the adults that should be protecting her. The only consequence she'd face would be to get sent home to her adoptive mother Cheerilee. She could wait it out til Twilight gets gome to Ponyville, and explain her case. While the staff at Magic Kindergarten have proven not to have Scootaloo's back, the adults in Ponyville certainly would. Once addressed, Twilight could easily have Scootaloo properly educated either personally or re-enrolling her in Magic Kindergarten (with River Song having moved on) and with far more support than this rush-job session.

It boils down to the fact that Twilight, in her rush, is essentially just needing a babysitter for Scootaloo for the week, a job that could reasonably be accomplished by anypony. Pinkie Pie has canon-experience dealing with a fledgling spellcaster, Pumpkin Cake. Cuppie Cake has obvious experience with that and with being a mom. There are several unicorns in Ponyville, like Lyra and Minuette. Several foal unicorns live in Ponyville like Dinky Do, Snips, and Snails. Obviously Ponyville has a much more appropriate support network for simply babysitting a fledgling spellcaster, even if we somehow assume that her adopted mom, Cheerilee, is somehow totally incompetent at the role.

Again, the urgency of having Scootaloo specifically attend Magic Kindergarten, right then, right now, is completely and utterly absent, and it ruins a lot of the rest of the story.

Night Whisper is an interesting plot device. She isn't really much of a character though. It sort of feels like you forgot to make us care about her. Like we're just sort of expected to. Scootaloo doesn't really, except when she does. At times she serves the purpose of leverage on Scootaloo, to make Scootaloo submit to River just so that more abuse isn't "unfairly" heaped on Whisper. When she isn't doing that she's just kind of there. More on her in a bit.

Ruby was a piece of art. Of all the characters, I think he was probably the most elegantly executed one. He had just that right amount of non-threatening and amicable personality to get in, mixed with just the right amount of complete lack of empathy+selfishness/lack of spine needed to really and truly backstab. The date at the fair was like a trainwreck waiting to happen for me. While it was completely obvious how it was going to end, it was genuinely fun and nice right up til the knife slipped in. All of his other betrayels up to that point as well as his attempts at the end to make amends were spot-on I feel. Scootaloo's rebuff at the end was possibly the most satisfying thing in this whole story.

I liked Cookie. Of course, I was supposed to like Cookie. That's how he was written. He was the only real support Scootaloo had at the school, so of course he is going to be likeable. I kind of expected him to betray Scootaloo at some point, just because that seems like what the world is doing to her at this point. I was pleased that didn't happen. His being a spy for Celestia was a bit on the weird side at the end, but overall worked... as well as the situation could be said to work.

And last, but not least, Scootaloo herself.

There were parts in the story that I feel worked well as feeling very "Scootaloo" about her. She's a generally good girl, so was following the "rules" set around her, even if they didn't seem fair. She has some empathy towards Whisper. She tries her best to follow the rules of the school, not so much because the consequences of breaking them are meaningful, but because they're rules. That is about the only sense I can really get out of the whole situation that reconciles the dissonance otherwise running rampant.

She's young, and not necessarily experienced enough or perhaps even clever enough to really think her way out of this situation. She tries and just barely passes the written/theory part of the class.

The things she does and does not care about in the story overall make some sense. Others not so much. She cares about "winning" at the end, but feels pretty convinced she won't (specifically passing the magic exam). There is some of her likeness to Rainbow Dash in that. She doesn't really excell at or struggle with the more academic side. She simply pays it little heed. That seems fitting. She does really focus on the practical side of things. Also fitting. She generally is interested in the recess parts, but that part feels a bit underwhelming in presentation. Her first recess results in the broken window, the next one she misses due to punishment, and from then on she sort of never really has any recreation time. She dwells pretty intensely on her feelings for Ruby after he asks her out. She also focuses on the fact that he betrays her each time that happens. Yet she doesn't even seem to acknowledge Whisper's betrayal at all. She focuses quite a bit on how everyone is treating her like an outcast for being a pegasus.

Again, Night Whisper isn't really a character on her own, but how Scootaloo thinks of her plays a significant role in the story. I want to get the impression that Scootaloo feels she needs to protect this obviously weaker pony from River. The few times she gets a spark of hope inspired by Scootaloo seem to support that, but despite being in Scootaloo's head and privy to her thoughts, she never formally thinks that way. When Whisper betrays Scootaloo by corroborating River's side rather than Scootaloo's side about the broken window, I expected Scootaloo to stop caring about Whisper and write her off as one of many bad faces not to trust in this place. When Scootaloo's plans to go on a date at the fair conflict with Whisper's apparent hope to spend time with Scootaloo, that felt a lot more like how I expected Scootaloo to feel in general towards her. "Hey look, I'm not a bad person toward you, but I don't really like you or want to hang out."

In the end when Whisper finally stands up to/betrays River by protecting Scootaloo from River's spell, it seemed... weird. It was a pretty cliche school drama twist, but it feels sort of like it was being forced on us to accept it because that's just how these dramas end. I was completely unsold on Scootaloo and Whisper's relationship the entire story. Whisper is obviously the submissive meak type that gets walked all over by the likes of River. Maybe it's just the nature that those types will always break character at a key moment and protect someone else the way she did. It's just a thing those sorts of people do sporadically. Scootaloo's words of encouragement afterwards about how the fact that River flunked and Whisper didn't means they'll be going their separate ways was completely logical and obvious to me, but felt pretty pointless for Scootaloo to mention. Who cares if the two sisters will be in different classes at times. They still live together. River will probably still be just as much of a tyrant at home. They're still family. Whisper is still a doormat. Scootaloo will probably never see her again, and has no reason to care really.

Despite spending the whole story with her, Scootaloo doesn't really come across as a very clear character by the end. There is a sense that she's a young and good pony. Beyond that we have mostly just sort of hints at who she is though.

On to the technical/world side of things.

I liked the basic concept of Scootaloo learning magic instead of flight. The worldbuilding that was tossed in almost casually was interesting and well executed. Even if it didn't do much to impress Scootaloo, the rareness of her talent was sold on me.

The details of the school system for young spellcasters are still a little fuzzy even after reading this story, but it was an admirable attempt to explore such a basic little thing in this world. It is an area that the show skirts away from in general and ripe for fanfic exploration. Probably one of my bigger reasons for being interested in the fillies of the show are for exploring things like the school system.

Showing things like corruption, unfairness, and favoritism that crop up in large government-esque systems despite the immortal and benign rule of Celestia is always an interesting area to explore. The general plot points that led to it being exposed in this case were another selling point of this story to me.

Relating the three OCs River Song, Night Whisper, and Herald Dust to Trixie Lulamoon was... weird to me. It didn't especially detract from the story, but it didn't really do anything to improve it either. If there was going to be a sequel perhaps, with some further interaction between Scootaloo and Night Whisper, or perhaps a meeting with Trixie, the fact that Scootaloo had met her father and played a role in getting him fired, or the fact that she had helped Night Whisper could possible serve as hooks for that sequel. As it stands they were just sort of a "huh. Ok, so what?" kind of reveal.

Scootaloo's magic itself is very interesting for me. I have a lot of my own ideas on the magic of all three tribes, and am always interested in seeing how others perceive it and execute it. The story did an excellent job of convincing me of how Scootaloo's magic works, and if nothing else her being at the school helped her learn more about it and herself too.

Some aspects of using her magic were creative. "microteleporting" to simulate flight does seem a lot like something Scootaloo would try to do. The fact that in the end she is flapping her wings and flying through the air (and thus impressing nopony) was entertaining to read about. She just has a lot of purple aura effects that accompany her flight, making it flashier. That she also gets the cantrips of light and telekinesis out of it is pretty cool too.

Other parts were a bit... weird. Scootaloo being unable to dodge due to going too fast when River began her spell was baffling to me. All she'd have to do is... teleport. Rather than just a little bit like she had been doing, work a bigger teleport in. Or simply switch directions. It's not like her method of flight obeys things like g-forces and momentum. She's essentially at rest the entire time. It should be actually really hard to aim at Scootaloo when she's flying like that, as you have no way of predicting what direction she will go any given moment, and if she has the energy available to do longer teleports, she could -easily- dodge things. Even her lingering backlash effects don't really sell that point too well for me, because she's still doing some pretty extensive spellcasting at this point anyway.

The...thing she did with the stuff. Making use of the Sonic Rainboom in stories is always a huge hit or miss thing. Opening it up to others, even in a relatively creative way as this was, kind of cheapens it for Rainbow Dash. It is supposed to be a really cool thing for Scootaloo to pull off, but in the end it makes it feel very much like she's just riding her big sister's coattails. It also feels like a lazy-author thing to do. Rather than come up with something unique and very "Scootaloo" to do, it comes across as just putting black sunglasses on. Cool because sunglasses are cool, not because Scootaloo is cool.

---

As it stands, this story was passable for me. I don't really feel like I wasted my time reading it, and it brings up points that I feel like talking with my friends about (and thus convince them to read the story so we have common discussion ground). So in several ways, the story is a success.

I could see an overhaul to the story being appropriate and perhaps worth time doing. I think a lot of aspects could be retained and worked into an even better story.

Author Response

Wow!
Now that was a review!
I am in your debt, good sir.
And although I won't be rewriting this one, this is going to help enormously in my future writing; thanks!

Derpy Gets Fired, by GarlandGala

That was heartwarming.

There are a lot of things I read where I have to struggle to find positive things to say about a story. I feel like in this case the opposite is true.

I will admit that I am not a big fan of Pinkie Pie, and I could care less about Derpy. For the former, the show's own writers can't even get her right most of the time. For Derpy I just don't share the fandom's obsession with her. So I'd normally be completely disinclined to read this story. Little gems like this story though make the policy of not judging a book by it's cover worth enduring the often miss that I deal with story to story.

Enough about me, and on to the story itself.

This isn't a long story. Normally a fault I can pick out easily for short stories is that they're too short. It's my opinion, though not exclusively so, that ideas have a proper size to them. Getting your word-count to match that proper size is part of the art of the author. A bad Short story leaves the reader at the end saying, "Wait, that's it?" While other stories may drag on and on like a Meatloaf song. Derpy Gets Fired won't do that; the length of the work feels just right. It feels like a part of a much bigger story, but it doesn't leave me feeling unsatisfied.

The grammar, style, and formatting were done well. The story was very easy to read, and nothing jarred me out of immersion.

I usually don't comment on pacing, because it is something of a weak point for me in terms of appreciation. I sort of know it when I see it, and I sort of know it when it is lacking, but I'm not terribly good at explaining it. Perhaps it is what I said above. In any case, this story felt well-paced to me. The initial scene drew me into the story and fed me plenty of detail without being a descripto-dump. Before anything begins to feel like it is dragging on, we're brought to the next part of the story. It never feels rushed, and we get to enjoy the characters and setting the entire time. On to those characters.

Pinkie and her place in the community is probably the best aspect of Pinkie to explore ever. We still get to see subtle hints of her silliness, which would feel wrong to be absent, but those silly things are all too often turned over the top. Pinkie may seem random and frivolous to more serious ponies like Applejack or Twilight, but the secret to writing Pinkie is that she isn't random at all. Things make sense from her perspective. Pinkie may not always be on the same sheet of music as everyone else, but she's following her sheet faithfully. This depiction of Pinkie displays that well. Pinkie's sheet of music is to make those around her happy and smile. Well done.

Derpy is also one of those often poorly written characters. Unlike Pinkie there isn't much in the way of canon to work with to really say what is right or wrong objectively. In this case she's presented believably as an otherwise normal pony who happens to be a bit clumsy. This is, in my opinion, probably also the best way to present this character ever. Most depictions try to explore a handicapped Derpy either as a cheap way to get feels, to make some kind of statement, or to just be offensive. Such is not the case here, where instead the focus is surprisingly well targeted at the real problem. Derpy may have some kind of disability, but it doesn't feel like that is really put to the center of the blame. Derpy laments her limitations as everyone does when they face things like unemployment or setback.

As for the plot, it feels authentic. Derpy gets fired. It's right in the title. She's sad about it, and Pinkie wants to cheer her up. So Pinkie does so. It is a simple idea, but one that is easy to relate to. The romantic aspects of the story are almost casually snuck in. I've read much longer stories with much more elaborate romances, much more direct focus on the fear of rejection, build up to confession, and all sorts of other common tropes yet completely fail to sell the idea that one or both ponies are actually in love. This story sells that. We get to see them clearly in love with each other well before they realize it themselves. Their mutual realization in the kitchen is almost magical.

Pinkie and Derpy interacting with the Cakes was incredibly cute. Again, I've seen so many romance stories drag on about the new couple fearing their friends' reactions to the relationship, and all kinds of tedious and boring awkwardness. In this case we instead get a believable amount of embarrassment, but none of the outright irrational fear that seems popular to pile in. Also, Cuppie is awesome.

Then we come to the ending. Probably one of the most difficult bits of any story for everyone involved. If you write poorly I the reader may not even get to this part. If you write too good a story, I feel saddened that it is over. A good ending should feel like saying goodbye to your friends. You're not happy they're leaving, but you're glad they were together with you leading up to this departure. You're easily able to accept it though. That's what the ending to this story feels like. As I mentioned before, I could see this being the part of a larger story. How does the couple adjust? How does Derpy adjust to being a bakery assistant? How do the other m6 friends of Pinkie react? None of these are especially relevant to the story presented though. It feels complete. Exploring these other ideas might be good as their own stories, but tacking them on to this one would feel like things were dragging on unnecessarily. So I'm OK with saying goodbye to this story. I smiled while it was with me, and will smile at the memory.

Author Response

WOW this is a sweet review. I've been away a long while, but if you still see this, thank you a million! It means a lot.

What the Heart Craves, by Ocalhoun

So, I read this all in a single sitting, including the optional content in it's proper place.

For those who haven't read the story, this review will contain spoilers.

I came into this story because I'm generally interested in anything Ocalhoun writes. That this story took a year of work, and had an entire team working on it to get it polished had me interested. I happen to like some of the characters tagged in the story, and I was willing to set aside reservations about an OC main character. I'm also not one to shy away from mature topics as long as they're handled maturely. Again, I trust the author to do so.

If I had to pick just one positive thing to say about the story, it is that there are quite a few really vivid scenes. Descriptions were plentiful without bogging things down. It never felt like the narrator was pausing the story to explain what something looked like. All in all, I'd say this is a pretty solid example of why showing is important.

I'm not limited to just one, so allow me to continue. The central plot to the story is an interesting one that involves a lot of players. Bella Rave and Silver Spoon may be the main characters, but all the supporting characters are important to the story. Diamond Tiara and Silver Platter work like cogs to tell Silver Spoon's side of things, while Vinyl Scratch, Ruby Sheen, Arpeggio, and Lemon Hearts all build up Bella's character. The dynamic between Bella and Vinyl, in particular, was fairly compelling.

Another hallmark of a good story is that the conflict matters. Despite being an OC, I did somewhat care for the issues Bella went through. That she piled a lot of misery upon herself is believable, and I was at least curious how things would play out til the end. There were a few points where I felt she probably deserved what she got, but I was sold on her contrition, and the eventual forgiveness felt earned.

On to the technical stuff. Unlike most stories, I actually have quite a lot to say on this part. The fact that one of the things I knew most about this story going in was the amount of work put into it, it seems appropriate to spend a fair amount of time going over that work.

For starters, grammar was great. Honestly, with the amount of work and help put into this fic, I'd be highly disappointed if there were still glaring issues. As hinted at above, the story didn't jar me out of scenes due to poor grammar, typos, misspelling, and so on.

As for the decision to separate the two clop scenes into another story/appendix, and the content that remained in the story proper, I'm left confused. I understand some other stories have used this... trick? to finesse the rating system to try to have your cake and eat it too. I think it was a poor idea, but as this is a complicated subject, it will take some words to explain why properly.

This story really needs the [Dark] tag. I'm not really sure I understand why it is missing. The story deals with drugs, underage pregnancy, child abuse, mentions rape, and has several instances of blackmail. This story is dark. That tag is the central tag to what this story is. You're aware of this and "tag" these things in your warning.

Further, I'd even go so far as to question that this manages to remain [Teen]. Several chapters in the story-main contain content that leaves very little to the imagination as to what just happened or what is about to happen. Silver being beaten by her dad cuts off before any explicit penetration happens, but there is mention of his member becoming aroused. Later in chapter 11, cuddling in a wet spot. Before that, in 10a, as well as several other points in the story, Bella and/or Silver's flirtiness or checking each other out seems borderline. Lifting tail and showing off what is underneath may not use terms for the anatomy being displayed, but it is still the equivalent of depicting the characters exposing themselves to each other.

I'm not sure it should be bumped to mature, but I could see an argument for that being made. For my purposes, just pointing out that it is much closer to that border of the teen rating than the border with [Everyone] I think we can agree on.

The violence itself may lack explicit gore, but is certainly above what we see in the cartoons. Rainbow Dash's broken wing in Read It and Weep just looks crooked and spends most of the episode in bandages. We don't get a blow-by-blow depiction of how she got the injury. Other cases of violence such as the fighting with changelings in ACW, or Twilight's throwdown with Tirek all are cartoony, and don't dwell on the injury side of it. I'd say there is a case for Teen-level [Gore] tagging, or perhaps just simply more weight to the upgrade to Mature.

Now, back to the decision to split off the outright clop bits. Why? The rest of the story, without those bits, is still pretty borderline. Those scenes do serve a purpose in this story, particularly the first one. Even removing those parts doesn't make for a "wholesome" story with sunshine and rainbows. If someone is put off by the mature content... then they likely were put off by what else is in this story. I don't think you dodged any audience targets with the move. Furthermore, the clop scenes by themselves don't really work as a standalone story, so anyone wishing to just read them... isn't getting a very fulfilling clop story-experience either. Again, the description for that "story" reflects that you're well aware of that.

Honestly, I think you would have just done better to stick to what you wrote, marked it mature, and consolidated all the material into one proper story. That way you wouldn't forcibly break immersion for the readers having to deal with the mechanics of the split, and you could just rely on your audience being interested in the mature story you're telling.

The bad.

Where to begin?

The characters felt flat. We spent most of our time with Bella, and saw most of the world through her eyes. She was fine. Silver Spoon, despite the weight of subject she brought to the story, felt more like an object than a person. Her problem mostly served as something for Bella to fuck up and regret fucking up. She served as a hot piece of ass to motivate Bella to try to get back together with. Despite being in her perspective for a little bit during the story, we really never got to see much of her as a character. Those glimpses were just used to add extra vivid detail of why her situation is bad, and how much Bella's awful choices impacted her. There was character, but it didn't really grow. It just sort of... transformed in the epilogue.

Vinyl was just kind of there. Again, she served plot purpose, but most of the time she was around, Bella was too busy paying attention to her own little world. Again, rather static.

Diamond Tiara serves as an antagonist. She plays her role, but she winds up feeling at least as shallow as she does on the show. In fact, it feels like her "picking on others" is notched up a little beyond the show's level, simply to demonstrate how shallow she is.

Lemony Hearts gave hints at being an interesting character. She was a fairly stereotypical mom, but she showed different facets. Her relationship with her husband and her two adopted kids was put on display. The little cracks in her facade of "I'm the mother, I'm strong" showed here and there.

So your two main OC's, Bella Rave and Lemony Hearts, showed the most depth, the most growth, and were surrounded by plot devices that happened to have four legs (and occasionally a cute ass). The background ponies you used relied pretty heavily on... well, not much of anything, really. You avoided being "wrong" with them: Vinyl was the fanon DJ who parties, including the drug use. You made Diamond Tiara the one-dimensional bully, and Silver Spoon the submissive. But you didn't do anything especially right with them, to flesh them out, and make them seem real. Not even Silver Spoon, despite the abuse she suffers.

On to the plot. The main plot of Bella Rave being self-destructive happens pretty much right away. We haven't really had much of a chance to get to understand what kind of character Bella is before she's running off, ditching the girlfriend with issues that you spent some time introducing to us, then looking to score with her idol in the back room. Some buildup that let us see that going to parties is something she likes to do, and that she is a huge fan of Vinyl, feels lacking. That this element becomes a pivotal point in Bella's eventual reunion with Silver, it seems like you could have spent your opening chapter showing us that Bella likes parties, and that Silver perhaps doesn't.

The reveal that Vinyl is Bella's mom felt rushed. That could have been amped up. Having Bella be flirty while Vinyl is oblivious would have dragged the scene out a bit more, and when Vinyl finally figures out that, "Ew, my daughter is hitting on me" is revealed, it would be all the more awkward and impactful. Then Bella just runs. While you show us that she is clearly upset about this with Bella's tantrum in her room, it probably would have been more dramatic to have her not run away immediately, and perhaps spend more time yelling and screaming at Vinyl. Perhaps forcing the other occupants in the room to flee to get away from the danger zone. Hell, have Vinyl throw Bella out of the club, to amp up the "hate my mom" aspect and get us to perhaps empathize with Bella for hating her.

Bella's attempt to get revenge on her mom seems well-done. It is exactly the kind of incredibly stupid thing a teen would do. It does seem a little odd that nopony, particularly Vinyl, did anything to stop her. But then you did hint that that sort of thing was going on at that club. I think that leaving the clop material in the main story would let you be a bit more descriptive with the scene, and reinforce the sort of seedy establishment this all took place in.

The meeting after the fact between Vinyl and Bella seemed a bit on the convenient side, but not overly so. It served no purpose really, other than to put the idea in Bella's head that she should go get herself checked out. Considering she was already floating that idea around in her head with her "I didn't use protection" thoughts already, this meeting seemed superfluous. More it was a missed opportunity for more conflict. Bella yells a bit and tries to shame her mom, but the meeting just kind of ends and nothing really comes of it. You could have played up Bella's making a scene, as random other ponies stop to watch the loud young mare. Let her be effective at drawing attention. So that rumors go through the small town, and Bella basically trashes her own reputation. Which never really comes up outside of Diamond Tiara.

The pregnancy phase of her plot seems generally well done. She has a believable sequence of reactions to it. Her lack of thinking things through and asking Silver about what she should do was perfectly stupid of her, and Silver's reaction and distance for most of the fic as a result seem correct.

After that it gets a bit muddled. Lots of sub-blots and other character interactions start piling in. For the most part it feels like everyone learns about Bella's pregnancy and handles it in a fitting manner. Ruby Sheen is a creepy loser.

The fact that Bella tries, and rightfully fails a few times, to get back with Silver is fairly correct feeling. That Silver goes crawling back to Diamond seems correct. Her decision to break up with Diamond again seems a little out of nowhere. Obviously it was the right decision, but so little is done with Silver, it just seems like she chose that because... plot demanded she finally grow a spine?

Which leads us finally to, the resolution. Bella tries to apologize again, starts to fail, but then Silver finally brings up why she is upset. Not being able to trust Bella seems like plenty of reason in and of itself, and is something that really could only be resolved over a long period of time of Bella earning that trust back. But that is cast aside because Silver finally admits that she hates how Bella likes to party. Now, this could be a workable and believable plot point. It feels like Bella may have made a habit of ditching Silver once inside the club so she could dance and get her high. But we had so many conflicting messages building that. First, Silver seemed completely happy to be there, standing in line with Bella and Ruby. We were never given any scenes where Silver's pov is shown, where she is bored/lonely and upset that her girlfriend bailed on her. Again. Bella also explicitly was depicted as not using drugs. That was a break of her character to do so in order to get revenge on her mom. Silver seems to not mind Bella being flirty, and we even get confirmation of that from Silver while Diamond is making her tease Bella.

Had this been straightened out and built up, their reunion would feel a lot more genuine than it did. Bella giving up her parties would provide more impact if we'd had time to get to know Bella more in the beginning, and know that she not only enjoyed parties, but made it a habit of being less than a stellar girlfriend in the process of enjoying them. So while the reunion suffered, not because it was itself bad, but because it wasn't well supported and built up.

On to Silver's plotline.

As mentioned before, Silver really has a very weak character presence in this story. That she is being abused by her dad is given a lot of weight in the story, but is actually superfluous. The fact that the abuse is going on is something Bella is concerned about. That she eventually confronts Silver Platter and supposedly ends it isn't very satisfying, and the efficacy of her intervention is brought into question anyway. Judging by the epilogue, it seems to have worked.

Other than being a thing that happens, is important to the two main characters, and is resolved, it is less a conflict or plot in it's own right, and mostly just serves as cheap feels fodder. It is used to make Bella's idiocy more harmful to Silver. It is used to make Bella feel even worse about her own stupidity as a result. It is used as insult fodder by Diamond Tiara. But it could just as easily be cut.

Silver being upset by being betrayed by Bella would be just as compelling without her suffering from abuse by her father. The comfort aspect of their relationship would be just as compelling if the abuse Silver received from Diamond was the main source, rather than a source. Diamond Tiara could still be just as venomous about Silver betraying her to be with "that slutty raver pony." Bella could still be upset that she hurt and lost her girlfriend. The child abuse doesn't actually add anything to any of the plot elements, and it doesn't actually add any depth to Silver's character. Indeed, I'd say that it detracts from the storyspace that could have been used giving us more time to see the two together and get a feel for their "normal" before you went in and trashed it.

I think there was a major missed opportunity in the story. Arpeggio is concerned with appearances. Silver Platter was concerned with appearances. Both stallions had daughters messing up their reputation. Silver, by leaving Diamond Tiara for Bella, as well as going to "low class rave parties" probably was the source of gossip. Diamond would spread rumors, you can be sure. Bella made several scenes, and this doesn't seem so out of character for her. What we didn't get was random ponies in the street laughing or insulting Bella or Silver. Classmates were mostly an abstract concept in this story. Where are the articles in the Foal Free Press where some anonymous informant reveals that Bella Rave was fucking on a tabletop and passed out? Where are the flower ponies pointing and quieting their conversation to hushed whispers when Bella or Silver walk by?

Some of the other conflicts wrap up in unsatisfying ways.
Bella is pregnant, and her parents find out. The worst that comes out of it is a slightly tense conversation that winds up deflated because Arpeggio is a workaholic and Bella confronts him on it.
Ruby Sheen seems to be perving on his sister. He sort of apologizes for it, then runs away. In fact, what even was the point of his character? Bella could have gotten her drug from some random pony at a party.
Lickety Split being the biological father of Bella's baby is sort of ignored. Sure, he is a loser who wanted her to abort the kid, but he's still the dad, and that could create all kinds of problems.
Vinyl and Bella reconciling their differences just sort of feels forced.
Vinyl threatening Diamond Tiara and getting her to permanently leave Silver Spoon and Bella alone seems like a weak deus ex machina.

Even if you consolidate the clop chapters with the main story, you get 35k words making this a novella. 40k words is not far away, but marks the loose border between novella and novel. I think with some trimming of unnecessary things, and expansion of more important things, you could just bump this into a novel. Overall, I estimate it would settle around somewhere in the 45-55k range, which is pretty ideal. The biggest gain would be a proper introduction of not only Bella Rave, but your version of Silver Spoon, and their relationship together.

If you did want to keep the child abuse portion of the story in this hypothetical rewrite that you're unlikely to do, then it probably should be handled with significantly more focus, care, and resolution. Turning Silver into a real co-main character instead of merely a support character for Bella's story would easily pad a lot of wordcount into the story though. Conservatively I'd estimate 75k words to really handle the psychological nuances involved with Silver acting out, dealing with her trust issues, being betrayed by Bella, and being coaxed into trusting her again.

All-in-all, this story dealt with a lot of very touchy subjects. I can't help but feel that, to a certain degree, a lot of the material was still on the gratuitous side. The good parts were more than mediocre, but I can't say I've come out of this really liking any of the characters. I realize a lot of work went into the making of this story, but it seems like it still didn't turn out as well as it could have. I'd like to say the lackluster ratings support my opinion, but I imagine most of the people were simply put off by the content and didn't read, or failed to upvote for that reason, rather than the ones I pointed out.

Author response

>> Cryosite
Wow, now that's a review!
Thanks for doing that, and a huge thanks for pointing out its flaws. I think I'm getting a better idea of my weak points as a writer now; maybe I can finally go about rectifying them... or working in a type of story where they'll be downplayed!

Gone So Long, by Skywriter

Well, that was a collection of horsewords. Spoilers below.

Death.

I'm reminded of the saturation of stories that poke at alicorn immortality, with a tedious abundance of them focusing on Twilight suddenly becoming immortal, and all the losses such a long life will doom her to suffer through. So this is rather refreshing being about Cadance for a change of pace. It's also pretty great that Rarity directs her to how to live life. This story is, essentially, the exact answer to all those gloomy idiots, and precisely why immortality is an amazing thing that would be wonderful to have. While it is natural to hurt, to grieve, and to suffer loss, immortality also brings another sunrise that you would otherwise miss. You may lose the things you know, but that happens to anyone of any lifespan. Longer-lived beings get more things to cherish.

Aside from the central theme, this was also a great bit of character focus for Cadance. Being a princess is something of a nebulous concept to most. All too often we see princesses, kings and queens, emperors, presidents, and other government leaders only in the context of military conquest, national defense, or corruptly governing their subjects. We see things presented as "OK, so here is this bad thing, and we're watching the leader react to the bad thing." It's easy to get trapped in the mindset that that is all there is to those people. So here we get to see a leader, and while she is worried about the fate of her nation/people, it is presented in a more personal context. The focus is quickly on the fact that her subjects love her, and she doesn't want to disappoint them. The focus shifts to more personal concerns like her husband.

It really helps to make her feel more real and relatable.

Rarity was genuinely comfortable to read, and felt convincing. The choice of metaphors felt natural from Rarity. At least one sewing-related one, as well as a "this would be something anypony could relate to" sort of metaphor with the milkshakes. While we weren't privvy to her thoughts, Rarity, for the most part, came across as Rarity. Her choice of points not only worked well for an argument, but felt like ones that Rarity would make use of.

On to the technical stuff.

I realize it is a legitimate style, but I simply don't like the present perfect form. Nothing against the Fimfic author of that name, but it is simply jarring and, along side 2nd person, are among the top forms to actively destroy my immersion instead of enhancing it. They're only marginally below formats like Script and greentext.

There were a few points where Cadance speaks in fully unattributed dialogue. While it isn't unclear who is speaking, it makes for a detached feel that clashes with the other paragraphs that do narrate Cadance to us. We're privvy to her thoughts and feelings, but we're not given any context for those lonely lines because Cadance's attention is focused on letting us know what Rarity is up to. All in all, it really feels like it should be third person limited in order to make more natural transition from "describe scene" to "Cadance actively participating."

Alternatively, the opening "setting the scene" bits would fit better if they were told from a perspective that makes more sense for Cadance to be thinking them. For the most part, Rarity is behind her, so visual cues seem less appropriate. Explicit mention of a large mirror, and occasional reminders of the reflection Cadance is watching might work better. More focus on the touch and feel cues throughout the story, as well as the sounds of Rarity being in such close proximity would better sell the scene. More of Cadance's inner thoughts. If anyone should have unattributed lines of dialogue, they likely should be Rarity. That would sell a sense of Cadance not paying lose attention to Rarity, and being brought back to focus on her by some line of dialogue from her.

On to the "bad" non-technical stuff.

The "Darling" joke is rather stale by this point.

There was also something of an uncomfortable shifting back and forth between casual and formal. That Cadance never really invoked a casual interaction somewhat adds to this "stiffness." (No, her assent to Rarity calling her Darling doesn't really count). While also cliche, "just call me Cadance" would have worked wonders. This makes for a weird dynamic between the two characters. Despite Rarity coming across as nervous and focused on decorum, the conversation was philosophical, peppered with anecdotes, and touched on very personal details.

As somewhat touched upon in the technical portion, Cadance simply blurting out her nihilistic woe while getting her hair done in preperation for meeting the Equestria Games inspector felt weirdly forced. Again, we're privvy to her thoughts. Why didn't we have some buildup to that? Why didn't we have some time spent in Cadance's head, while she broods, and decides to break the awkward silence or something?

Despite the amount of review-words that seem to focus on negative criticism, this was still enjoyable to read. Once things picked up towards the middle, the present perfect form diluted around the dialogue, and it felt mostly satisfying by the end. While it could have been better, it was indeed something "tossed out" to break writer's block. It's not really a surprise that something "low effort" like this still winds up being pretty good when it comes from Skywriter. It wasn't intended to be a masterpiece, it didn't accidentally wind up one anyway, but it was a nice bit of reading anyway.

Author response

>> Cryosite
Thanks for the in-depth commentary! I really appreciate it! I think your criticisms are on the mark; the topic of loss does kind of come up out of nowhere. I mean, nothing has happened in the story itself to bring it up. I've tried to spin it as an "everything is going so well, when will the other horseshoe drop" thing, but for better or for worse the precipitating event for the conversation is an actual real-life event that I shouldn't go into here. It was just... really on my mind, today, so I wrote a story about it. And I'd agree that Rarity is a bit erratic in exactly how formal she's being at any given time. I tried to lampshade it a little but it would be better if the flaw didn't exist at all, of course.

Earning Her Stripes, by ocalhoun

So the biggest theme that stood out to me for this story is contrast.

You have the most obvious symbol of the contrast between the black and white stripes, that together makes for a striking pattern. You have the contrast between expectations and reality, of high-society and... not high society. And so on.

I'm not entirely sure where I was going with that.

I'm here because I generally like ocalhoun's work, and have enjoyed the whole feedback process with him several times now. Additionally, this story features the favorite half of the M6 on my personal ranking chart, so that caught my eye. While the lack of romance tag is slightly off-putting, slice of life comedy is right up my alley as well in terms of comfortable reading material.

There be spoilers ahead.

What we also have is a short character piece. It sets out to explore Rarity's character in a new and unique way. While I've seen several fics that have Rarity unveil a "dark secret" that she revels in while being ashamed in, this is the first time I've seen her explored in this particular way. So there are some definite marks for originality, in the accepted usage of taking something and putting a new-feeling spin on it, rather than the objective definition.

This story also features Zecora, which is something of a gamble for fics. She can be done badly. She can be done entertainingly. Her rhymes are something of a challenge to get just right, and the ones in this story feel rather natural.

I wish I could say more about the positive side of things. On to the technical.

As I've come to expect from ocalhoun, there aren't really any outstanding grammar problems. While I don't see any credits to editors/proofreaders, I'm assuming that since he's writing "for pay" that he has retained some. Either way, since this is marked as being related to his Patreon, I'd honestly be shocked if it wasn't polished.

Nopony felt out of character. This is especially important for the main character, Rarity. There was a notable degree of blowing a little thing up into a big thing that felt spot-on for her. The others got by with a sort of light-hand approach. They played roles, but the roles were subdued and minor, which helped prevent anything from standing out as really wrong with them. There was even a slight nod to Fluttershy who, despite not even being present, was in-character in that Rarity wasn't able to immediately exclude her from being outside her door simply because she couldn't hear her.

The pacing was incredibly fast and rushed. We were never given any opportunity ever to really soak in anything. The story feels like speaking with a young child who is excited to show you his or her toy, but then snatches it away to show you the next one and the next one. You leave the visit without any of the toys standing out in memory because you hardly got a look at any of them to form any kind of lasting impression. Unlike with a child, we can't tell the story, "hey, wait and show me that one again. I had something similar to it when I was growing up."

On to the negative stuff.

So, as I mentioned at the start, the story is about contrast. Except there is a distinct lack of it in the story. Rarity has a dark secret, and it is that she wants to be a zebra. While it is "explained" in the story that this represents some sort of freedom and wildness that she finds attractive... the explanation is found wanting, and I'm never really sold that this is all that important to Rarity. If anything, one could argue that her own existing passion for fashion is itself free and wild. Creativity is that and even if it follows certain rules, it also breaks them and flaunts them. Rarity has been shown, such as in Rarity Takes Manehatten, to do just that with her Hotel Chic line. In order for the main premise to be real and relevant to us, it needs contrast. Why is it necessary for Rarity? How is she not free and wild? Show us the normal and why the normal isn't tolerable, so we can empathize with her desires. Show us how those desires serve to solve her normal.

Instead of being an obvious solution to her normal, Rarity's desire to become a zebra comes dangerously close to making light of some racially sensitive stuff, and further comes dangerously close to presenting Rarity not unlike Trenderhoof: showing interest in something without really understanding it, and being offensive and obtuse.

I have a black uncle, while the majority of my family is white. There have been tensions in the family because of this, when my aunt married him her parents (my grandparents) weren't the most supportive. Furthermore, my great grandfather was openly racist, and that created all kinds of drama until his death. The changes that our family went through, especially for my great grandmother who disagreed with her husband, were a huge contrast. Furthermore, my two cousins had all sorts of issues in their lives trying to find acceptance and being less than fully embraced by either white culture or black culture. This entire dynamic is something that it feels like Rarity is an intruder upon, and the story comes dangerously close to pulling a Trenderhoof towards.

This could have been used to create some conflict, as was done in Simple Ways, or perhaps even like some of the individual events that happened over the years in my family. But unlike with Trenderhoof where Applejack becomes rightfully offended by his shallow behavior, nothing comes of it from Zecora, the most likely source of such conflict, nor of her two friends.

There is a glimmer of a conflict in the form of some quest to a volcano to fetch a rare herb. We skip past that to the conclusion where they've finished said quest with nary but a few singes to show for the hardships and hazards they overcame.

The only real indication we have that Rarity is serious about this is that a) she read up on it a bunch, and b) she goes through with the permanent change in the end. While we're told those things happen, we're never really shown Rarity's sincerity so it comes across as incredibly flat, and fails to really assuage the worries presented above.

This could have been a great story. With perhaps Rarity being shallow at first, but having some real but hard to explain drive. Being taken not seriously at first by her friends could have formed some early conflict that developed into the stated theme of "following your dreams." There could have been some conflict with convincing Zecora of her sincerity. THis could have drawn out this inner drive and eventually swayed Zecora to accept and help. We could have tagged along for the adventure they went on, to get some easy demonstrations of Rarity's resolve when she doesn't back down from opposition.

But what we mostly lack in this story, is a reason to believe Rarity wants to be a zebra, and why this is at all important. What even being a zebra actually entails.

What we have is a story where Rarity expresses liking a particular look, goes about getting said look with only a little bit of self-created drama in the process, then proceeds to spend most of her time covering up that look. None of the character exploration of the story is actually present within the scant 4k words of this piece, and we're left with... nothing really.

And that's all the slice of life stuff. This story is also marked comedy. I have no idea why. Nothing in the entire story stands out as even really attempting to be funny. Is it supposed to be funny that Rarity wants stripes? Or is the joke that this story wasted however long it takes to read 4k words worth of your time without delivering anything?

Honestly, if this is the product of the Patreon system motivating you to write stuff within a deadline, I'd be motivated to remove a pledge if I had one. Because it seems to motivate you to throw words at the screen just to have done so, rather than to tell stories.

Author response

>> Cryosite
Ooh, ouch!
Yeah... I probably deserved that. I'm not sure I really thought this story through.

Like Fine Wine, by SleeplessBrony

So this story found its way into the recommendations folder of my group some time ago and I finally got around to giving it a read. Now, I openly have a bias against Sparity. I don't really like the ship at all, and I'll be going into details as to why further down. The addition of this story to my group for me to read was done for the explicit purpose of giving me an example of the best of the best of Sparity. As such, if anyone has any opinions on an even better story, feel free to recommend them to me. I don't mean merely good or enjoyable, but the best.

I have a bit of a format I like to follow when I write these, and it has worked out pretty well for me so far. I like to start off with the positive things, and since most stories are crap I dig into the meat of things afterwards. Sometimes I have an easy time finding things positive to say, sometimes difficult. Often the inverse happens with the negative side of the review. I also like to think I am pretty good at setting aside any biases I have to do this, though this particular case my bias is pretty central to why I even read the thing to begin with.

Surprisingly, it isn't difficult to come up with some positive things for this particular tale. Overall, it is a pretty good piece of work. I plan to look into the other works by this artist, if there are any, and see what else they may have written about. The overall quality of the writing is pretty solid, the story paints a vivid picture in the mind, and all the details feel useful, helpful, and never really bog things down. The characterization is a bit on the light side, but feels more than superficially correct. As the story is told from Rarity's point of view, we get to spend the most time with her thoughts and perceptions, and the version of Rarity presented is pretty believable and even relatable to a degree. She is different from the show's Rarity, but doesn't feel wrong for it.

The story is too short to really have given us much depth of character for either Spike or Twilight, hence my description of the characterization being light. This isn't really a flaw, since that isn't really the focus of the story. Still, the author manages to pack a lot of little tidbits into a compact presentation, painting a future Ponyville and an older, more world-worn, and further grown up Twilight and Spike. There are even a few tastefully done hints that one of their friends (perhaps two) have even passed on. All this without ever really pinning down a number of years anypony (or dragon) have been alive, sticking to the way the show deals with age. Presenting every character in a time of their life rather than focusing on an arbitrary number. This paired with the "aging up" of Ponyville itself presents a subtle but believable sense of world-building that is fairly surprising for what is ultimately a "mindless clop fic."

I'll say again, the quality of the work is good. Rather than use the shortness of the story as an excuse for why certain things are light or weak, this serves as an example of how to maintain strong storytelling even in a brief work. Even more prominent is that this is a "mindless clop fic" in that the plot really is more of a "here are the characters, they get horny and fuck." than anything really deep. I would point writers seeking to craft a clopfic of their own towards this story and have them take notes on how to convey scenes that get the message of the story across without making excuses and instead working within the limits of the format and filling those limits with as much as possible.

Unsurprisingly, the technical details of the story are rather good; I didn't notice any errors. They may exist because my strengths as an editor are not that best, but nothing broke my immersion in terms of spelling, punctuation, word choice, and so on. I would go further to say this story felt fairly polished to me. The dialogue flowed well and it was always clear who was speaking and it was always clear when a thing was spoken aloud or thought by Rarity. Point of view was anchored firmly to Rarity's perceptions at all times, and the details given reflected that while still managing to paint the story for all involved.

Normally I use the grammar assessment as a bridge between the positive and negative, but in this case it sits firmly in the positive side of the review. So on to the negative.

Despite the qualities presented above, this story still suffers from a few things. Like any story, there is a message that is being told, and in this case the message is that Rarity and Spike can have a relationship together. This is fine, but perhaps because of my bias, I notice the inclusion of several elements that rather than mark a good story, act as a sort of checklist that needs to be addressed to avoid some pitfalls. The first item on this checklist is the age concern. This story is set in a future Ponyville, with a middle-aged (perhaps older) Rarity. Little details like her aches and pains, her aging facial features, and her overall sense of weariness seem chosen careful to sell this idea. Other story details like Twilight's graying hair, even the advancing/growth of Ponyville all add well to this idea. Underlying it all though, I have to ask why? This story is set from Rarity's point of view, but the details of her life at this point are brief and nothing especially seems important about this point in her life compared to her younger years of the show's timeline. The answer is pretty obvious: so that Spike is older and no longer a little boy.

The second item on the list is the species difference between the two characters. I will give a nod to the fact that rather than gloss it over or give Rarity rose-colored glasses towards Spike, this story embraces those reptilian and predatory details of his body, and uses that as a driving force in a fairly creative way. While the idea of a masochistic Rarity may be an enjoyable read for many, it isn't really my cup of tea so I hesitated to place it into the positive category. While it was executed fairly well, it is still more or less a commonplace fetish-ey sort of thing, and I've seen "BDSM Rarity" presented so often that it feels cliche to me. Using it as a vehicle to overcome the species barrier comes across as contrived to me.

The third item on the list is addressing the fact that Spike had his little crush as a boy, and apparently never let go of it "all these years" later. Some are quick to wave this sort of behavior around as some kind of example that his love is genuine, and not a simple crush. Speaking as a woman in her thirties, I would not feel remotely flattered that some little boy I met in my early 20's still had feelings for me. I would find it unhealthy, and steer very clear of this male. In this story, the fact that we're not really privy to Spike's inner thoughts and are restricted to Rarity's point of view really forcibly glosses this element over, and prevents us from really being sold on Spike's genuine feelings or any sense of them being healthy or stable.

The story spends a great deal of effort and "time" trying to "fix what is broken" with the ship. By "time" I am referring to the sort of nebulous amount of time that a reader spends immersed in the story, that sort of indistinct gray area between the hours spent reading and the hours of time that pass within the story's world. Rather than that time be spent showing some budding or rekindled romance, or the maturing of a romance between lovers, we're walked through the checklist and led into a "see, it's OK." scene after scene. The brevity of the work also conveniently takes all of those carefully built up details and world-building and tosses them out the window because the story ends before we're really given any chance to question "OK, what next?" And "what next" is item four on the list: given the two find some way to be together for a bit, how do they make it last?

Another fundamental flaw this story overlooks is that a significant age gap still matters even between adults. I've had a lot of second-hand experience with my friend who is into significantly older men, and despite a couple of decades of experience dating them, he still runs into a recurring problem of running out of common ground to relate through. He has plenty of motivation to get physical with them, but the romance side of things ends up cold.

Back to this story, Rarity is in the declining years of her life, planning for her retirement and planning on what to do with her legacy are prominent things in her life. Depending on just how old she is, she's either running out of time or has run out of time to consider family. Assuming she is in her late thirties, early forties and about a 20-year child-rearing period, this would put her in her fifties-sixties when the first kid leaves the nest. This is the reason most young adults tend to start their families in their 20's. So they're not trying to retire just as they're pushing the kids out of the nest finally; when they get to the age Rarity currently is, they can have several decades enjoying their life, career, and relationship before getting into the retirement side of things and all the medical bills. Spike by contrast is a young adult. He's very likely still figuring out who he is as an individual, dealing with and understanding the responsibilities of being accountable for his actions, and learning to make his way in life. His priorities involve figuring out a trade/career to follow and starting it up. He's learning how to interact with other adults. Everything he is going through is a decade+ in the past for Rarity, and everything she is going through is "old people stuff" to Spike. Rarity is clearly settling into desiring stability and comfort, while Spike is in his prime and seeking thrills and making memories and mistakes.

They could make it work. Doubtful, but we'll never know because this story cuts off before that has a chance to come up. It is outside of the scope of the story, and that is a huge detractor in what is supposed to be not just a good Sparity fic, but one of the best. Sell it to me, author. Don't leave me hanging.

Putting things into Rarity's perspective also neatly avoids a major flaw of the Sparity dynamic in that it is generally a thinly veiled self-insert of a particular sort of boy. The kind of boy that had an older sister who had friends. The sort of boy who saw himself as their equal when they deigned to let him hang out with them, despite the fact that they all saw him as "our friend's little brother we tolerate when he behaves." This sort of boy possible has grown up without losing that delusion, and the stories spawned by this sort of boy are so unrealistic because of that delusion. I said neatly avoids, but perhaps I mean "nearly" instead. Spike is kind of a blank slate, and this story does nothing really to expand upon that slate. Sure, it tosses out some vague lines about him being a protector to Twilight, some discomfort about some violence he has had to do in that role. The sort of thing that is really generic to young men. Even though the story is told from Rarity's point of view, the Spike character is still an easy role for male readers to slide in through, thus still fulfilling the wishes of that certain sort of boy.

Another element I initially wanted to place into the positives section was the awkwardness and hesitations between the two as things grew sexual. While it is indeed an incredibly awkward and clumsy thing to have sex with someone new, there were a lot of objectionable elements to it anyway. I already mentioned the fetishy aspect of Rarity's fear-arousal and that is one. Another is that Spike is presented as some sort of weird stud; naturally gifted and/or talented at sex. His awkwardness is carefully measured out to attempt to be endearing, though it is sort of overshadowed by the whole terror thing Rarity is dealing with. Despite this being his first time, he still manages to successfully bring Rarity off almost from penetration alone, then soon has her rolling through multiple orgasms, pretty much on the virtue of his equipment alone. Add to that the fact that he has the incredibly stupid hemi-penis thing, the "dragon normal" thing of apparently being able to perfectly keep his own climax in check indefinitely, the fact that he provides "the best sex she has ever had" is not only incredibly silly, but among the least believable things I have seen put to text; this is made all the more silly by the sheer seriousness this story takes itself, paired with all of the quality of writing described above. Gilding shit with delicate filigree is still shit.

So ultimately, this story takes a lot of care in presenting a world and characters that have been modified from their originals to allow for a scene of really bad sex. Bad in the sense that it is between Spike and Rarity, bad in that it is an awkward first time for Spike, bad in that it is awkward for Rarity dealing with apparently previously undiscovered masochism, and bad in the fact that it is just plain poorly executed. In the end it still comes across as an excuse. A well-written excuse that has had a lot of thought put into it, but an excuse still. Rarity wasn't the only one feeling nauseous at the end of this story, though the e-word thing brought a measure of sick comedy to the ordeal that was fitting.

Aria Affannoso by Majin Syeekoh

So, I managed to keep my eyes from rolling long enough to finish this story finally. I didn't bother reading the other suicide bandwagon fics on the site that appear to have been written in yet another effort by the masses to get in the feature box.

This wasn't good. It isn't even a story except on a technical sense. It's a scene, and as often happens on the site, the author would rather rush out something to ride the bandwagon rather than do the work writing a real story.

Who is Aria? We saw a hint of who she might be in Rainbow Rocks. It's up to you, author, to show us who she is. The person in your story is a nobody. Rather than sound like a complete character, you have a monologue that reads like a checklist. Item after item are told to us to make sure we understand this is supposed to be the character from Rainbow Rocks.

So we're expected to believe that Aria is the quiet brooding one, when Sonata and Adagio are the two bickering and fighting. Well, that is certainly different than the relationship dynamic we saw in Rainbow Rocks. I'd be willing to believe that if you showed it to me. But like anything else resembling a character-building story, that too is missing. It does stand out as weird, given how much else is crammed in to try to milk the canon for name-brand recognition.

So why does it matter who Aria Blaze is? Because as it stands, we have no reason to care if she lives or dies. There is a common sort of human empathy element where we don't really want anyone to die, but that doesn't really extend to shallowly developed fictional characters, especially those shown to be the villains. In order for her possible suicide to actually be compelling, we'd have to get to know your vision of Aria, care about her situation, and worry about her mental health. That's a lot of work, and it was all skipped.

If this were a clopfic, it would be labeled as porn without plot. We have the bare minimal details needed to get our puppets in mind, then we get thrown into the "climax" so we get our sticky entertainment. Maybe "jump right into the climax" would be a better choice of words. Regardless, we have no buildup. No foreplay. All the issues "Aria" of your story mulls over in her monologue contain lots of things that, were they actually written out and shown to us, would serve as a great buildup to this scene. Show us Sonata and Adagio fighting over who is to blame. Have Adagio shout in anger that Aria is to blame, and Aria runs out of the apartment crying. Have Aria see people she hurt, glaring at her. Have her get hungry and tired, and notice the passing of time keenly. Show us all of these things that contribute to Aria's spiral downward.

That's all just the buildup. In a proper story, we'd have our denouement. After Aria is saved, we'd have more than just the hand helping her stand. We'd see her spending real time with Sunset. Maybe some relapses, but further help. Make us believe that things actually did get better. While you're at it, what about her former roomates? That's another plotline just waiting to happen. Do they need and eventually get help too? Do they reject help and wind up drifting away, or wind up in a tragic end?
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/288218/aria-affannoso#comment/6407896
It is ridiculously easy to see the things this "story" is missing. A fic like this doesn't tell a story about the characters within, it tells a story about the author and the meta-game of the site. The fact that not one, but three people worked on getting these 1230 words to their present form and published says a lot.

Author Response

>> Cryosite Thank you for your criticisms. Something to me felt off about the story, and you've highlighted exactly what that is.
I would kill for more comments like these and >> Dubs Rewatcher

The Cough, by Ebon Mane

Congratulations on how compact you have managed to make things in this scene. As is often the case with short little one-shots like these, there is some bigger story going on that this story hints at. You've provided a glimpse at something bigger and thought-provoking in an incredibly efficient way. You've also managed to keep a recurring theme from actual episodes in the show within the story: utilizing all six of the m6; the story somewhat requires all of them be present, but nearly all of the story centers around one or two of them. Yes that was something of a backhanded compliment.

Some kind of plague has the m6 apparently in a dungeon cell of some sort. The specifics of how and why they got there are hinted at enough to let us believe they are there and work fine for a setting. The real story isn't about the plague or their imprisonment, but about the age old trope of "drawing straws" as to who has to die at the hands of her friends. In this case, instead of literal straws, it has to do with the disease. Somepony coughed. Fluttershy confesses she did it, and so she has to die so the others don't catch the disease too and all die. Rainbow is the one who has to do the deed. It's grimdark as fuck, but this isn't a very new story. The efficiency I mentioned above comes from telling this story in such a minimal way, while cutting out nearly everything but this story, and leaving in just enough hints of the rest of the bigger story to make it feel like it belongs somewhere rather than entirely in a vacuum.

Of those who do speak, everyone does feel...in character. Sort of. Twilight lights her horn, since apparently the setting is so bleak that even light is generally unavailable. She's the voice of the leader and forces the necessary issue. The others agree to her leadership decisions, even in this situation. Fluttershy is meek and self-sacrificing, and only asks that when everyone else survives this that someone else take care of the animals. Rainbow Dash is has a conflict that is very much in line with her nature as Loyalty, and is forced to pick between her friends and her marefriend.

Oh yeah, toss in some FlutterDash shipping just to make the situation even more depressing.

They don't have anything useful as a weapon nor do the unicorns know any magic to kill Fluttershy with cleanly and humanely, so Dash has to buck her head in. Of course it doesn't go smoothly, and she is forced to kick repeatedly and messily to accomplish her grisly task.

And then somepony else coughs. The story ends.

So the obvious question presented is: Did Fluttershy lie, and somepony else is a rat bastard for not speaking up? Or is it just that Fluttershy and another of the six are sick? Either way we can assume that another discussion on who coughed will come up, and ultimately someone is going to have to die. Maybe they're all six doomed and in the end it won't actually matter anyway. We'll never know.

Exploring the first possibility though, what went through Fluttershy's head (before Dash's hooves that is). If she wasn't sick, and was covering for one of her friends... why? They're still sick and if she helped conceal that than she is dooming the healthy ones of her remaining friends. As for whichever pony is sick and coughed second, what kind of pony are they to let Fluttershy be killed like that in their place?

As I said, efficient. The story delivers some real horror in incredibly few words. That said, the story wasn't all that successful I feel. What horror was presented was incredibly hollow. I can ask those questions mostly because I can be fairly analytical. I can also answer them. Whichever of the other five is actually sick is out of character. Because all six of these ponies is self-sacrificing and this story attempts to paint the idea that somepony is being selfish to the extreme. All six mares have repeatedly put their lives in danger and been more than willing to sacrifice themselves for their friends in the past, so this whole scene comes across as unbelievable in the end. The questions exist not because this is actually a thought-provoking story, but because it is poorly written. It tries to use the shock-value of the horror elements to hide that fact.

This story is the horror equivalent of a clopfic. A focus on a single scene, attempts to quickly gratify the emotion, then exit before you have a chance to feel remorse.

Building up to this scene in a proper story would help really sell this alternate version of the six, and make the scene more believable. Building up to this scene with a proper story would make the grimness of the decision all the more potent. Of course, the properly told story would require much more actual work. Dealing with the aftermath of this scene and that second cough would also require very delicate handling, and prevent the author from shuffling the burden of such things off to the reader as was done here.

As is usually the case with such short dark stories, the narrative ends before the actual horror has a chance to sink in. You're left with no words to read so the impact is far less than what it could be. You can be left questioning things afterwords, but an actual horror story will hit you with a scene like this immediately and successfully, then carry you through the horror to either the end or just til the next scene. You're still immersed in the story, so the impact is felt fully.

Big idea, little story. Terrible execution. Next time, write a real story instead of just one scene from it.

Author Response

>> Cryosite
It made enough of an impact that you felt the need to post a comment almost as long as the story itself, so I consider that a success.

For a Good Time Call..., by Winston

Thank you for submitting this to my group.

Unlike some folks, I happen to like Equestria Girls, Sunset Shimmer, and so on. Twilight best pony. So this does seem like it would be right up my alley, and I did click into this story with expectations that I'd enjoy it. On the other hand, I've grown incredibly leery of "stories" that attempt to get in past the minimum wordcount for the site. Pieces of work that are less than 5k words often stretch the definition of story, I feel.

On to the spoiler-filled review.

So, the "main conflict" of the story is that Twilight is running afoul of some cultural differences between the two worlds. Fair enough. She runs across a phone number while listening to a song, calls it, and has a conversation with the person on the other side. All told from Sunset's perspective, so we only get half of the conversation. All design choices that seem like they could result in some laughs, and judging by the rest of the comments it seems to have succeeded in that for at least a few others. Didn't really do it for me. I like the song, but just didn't find a lot of humor value in "character encounters this popular thing, think about that old popular thing and be happy." I like the song well enough on its own, I expect the story itself to make me laugh or enjoy it.

On to what the story itself does. While this is all told from Sunset's perspective, nearly 100% of the dialogue and content of the story is Twilight's character. In our initial setup, we're presented with information that, for me at least, provoked a lot more questions than this story ever intended to address. Twilight is on some sort of vacation. I could see that being an interesting story, indeed it sounds like something that might make a good episode. Twilight encounters a period of peace, and frets about the next threat and has to be forcibly made to take a vacation by her friends/other princesses. Maybe Big Mac shows her Smartie Pants to remind her what happened last time she worried too much about no problems to fix being around. Instead, we know nothing about the circumstances of her getting to the human world this time, but I was distracted by all that musing and wondering, which made the rest of the story feel all the less interesting. Because it wasn't about what the story got me thinking about.

Further, we're expected to believe, based on the "Twilight" in this story, that she is complaining about the constant problems, and is happy to be away from it all. Now, I could be convinced of this, if the story spent some time showing me how her stress was building, how she was convinced to take a vacation, and how she was enjoying the relief from stress. Instead, it feels like this character is just generally bitter about constantly having to save Equestria.

The other oddity that stood out to me was that Twilight's reaction to the song was strange. They have music in Equestria. Twilight herself sings rather often. Twilight also reads a lot. Fiction and non-fiction. The concept of taking something literally at face value doesn't seem like something Twilight would be prone to doing. That she was a bit curious about the song seems to fit, but I doubt she'd immediately assume "Jenny" was a real person. Asking Sunset about the song, or looking up information about the song seem like things she'd do as a fun project on her vacation. If calling the number was something she decided to try and do, I imagine she would be much more forthcoming with the fact that she was investigating the song, rather than the confused and naive interaction we saw.

Further, I know that after that song became popular, phone companies stopped issuing that number. A lot of customers with the number requested their number be changed, and so on. Some businesses were eager to acquire the number for marketing reasons. While it is possible that in CHS's area code, this particular person still has the number, it seems odd that he'd not have taken the easy steps needed to get it changed. I'm sure his provider probably offered it to him. Yet another oddity that stands out, isn't really explained or satisfactorily dealt with in the scope of the story, but suggests a far more interesting story than the one we did get.

The one thing that comes slightly close to being funny for me, is the idea that this mysterious person Twilight called has enough of a sense of humor to prank Twilight back. Twilight falling for the "is your refrigerator running?" isn't something I'd immediately expect to happen, but wasn't so difficult to accept that it felt out of character. Her slip-up with magic did sell it for me decently well. The rest of the story distracts from this moment though, and a one-joke story doesn't really do it for me.

In the end, the "conflict" is resolved when Sunset and Twilight talk. As mentioned before, this seems like it would be the far easier source of answers Twilight would go to from the beginning. It is a bit of a stretch of credibility that we didn't just see Twilight ask Sunset about the song from the get-go, other than that we'd have no story at all. Which goes to further illustrate the lack of satisfaction in what we did get.

Once again we run into a problem. Technically, this counts as a story. It's really more of a scene in a larger story. This happens so often that I'm genuinely surprised when I read something anywhere near this short, and it feels like it is a complete story within a small wordcount. If I was reading some larger story, and was enjoying myself reading along, and this story happened as a scene within one of its chapters, it could be done well. It could be a cute little bit of interaction that makes me smile, perhaps even laugh, then I'd keep going, and see the next interesting or funny thing that happens in the story. Instead, as a stand-alone story, this feels awkward and out of place. Like telling a joke at a funeral. The mood isn't set.

Author response.

>> Cryosite Thanks for the review! Yes, this was short, and no, it's not rigorously thought-out and intended to wrap up every loose end and have airtight logic, so anyone who demands that is probably going to find this story lacking in that way, I'll agree.

I think this story needs to be taken for what it was intended to be, however, which is something quick and fun that doesn't need to be overthought. Certainly, I wasn't aiming for this to be one of my deeper stories. I don't think that would have worked out all that well for a piece that basically revolves around one random, silly idea based on an old pop song.

Dreams, by the Incredible Blunderbolt

So, I finally got around to reading this in one sitting.

Kudos to pulling off a tragedy. I have something of a soft spot for a well-done fic that does justice to the tag.

As for the dragons... I hated the ambassador, I hated his arrogance, and I hated his table manners. Good job. Also a wonderful job of foreshadowing just how much Celestia was desperately trying to appease him, and hinting at just how bad the situation really was, all while the mane6 were blissfully innocent that their goddess was failing.

I'd also like to give more thanks for taking off with the idea of the dragons being pissed about the spies. Excellently pulled off.

I suspect U.R.A Monkey is Prince Blueblood. Yet another superb part of the story. Such a trollfic!

There are so many parts that I want to say were wrong... but it's only because they fit the downward spiral, and I kept wanting poor Dashie to succeed and get her mare. I kept stopping at several points and thinking to myself,"OK this has to be a mistake. Point this thing out later in my critique." Yet now that it's finished being read, they all just... work.

Author response.

>> Cryosite
Two years later, and this is still my favorite comment that I've ever gotten.

A Thousand Roses, by Titanium Dragon

Tit and I go back a good ways. While we've never been the sort to hang out and chat daily, I feel I've known him most of my time on Fimfic. We spent a bit of time playing in the snow, and seen each other in various groups' forums, and we're both rather heavy readers and critics. It's an interesting opportunity to toss my own take on something of his.

Counting this one, Fimfic shows 10 out of 43 stories with at least one checkmark indicating I've read a chapter or more of his stories (and one of those is a single story of an anthology). That said, the overwhelming bulk of those are on page 4 of the list of his stories in reverse chronological order (default; older stories later), and I can't say any of those Fimfic says I've read really stand out in memory, other than Maud's collection of poems. Just looking at the titles, cover art, and tags lets me know there is a pretty diverse collection of stuff, and I may be missing out on some gems.

To round up the "coming into the story" bit, I am also aware that Tit is mostly a RariJack shipper. So his writing a TwiDash story, my personal favorite ship, carried with it a bit of extra interest. I do like to see when people step out of their "comfort zones" as it where, though the previous paragraph demonstrates that this isn't unusal for Tit. So this is less about that, and more about my hoping for some good quality TwiDash.

As usual, spoilers ahead. If you haven't read the story yet, do so before going any further. Unless you don't care about spoilers.

---

First off, I think the thing I liked the best about the entire story was it's premise. Dash likes Twilight, has liked her for awhile now, and is confronted with what appears to be a looming missed opportunity. She's put off confronting what she wants, on the idea that Twilight doesn't seem to look at her that way.

Twilight, presented with a rather blunt notification that she's lonely (at least romantically), panics and as usual, none of her friends really know what to do when she's like this, except try to stay by her side and run damage control.

There are a lot of different ways this story could have been framed. I've read plenty of TwiDash stories, done both poorly and well, and which focus on various parts of the relationship. The get together is probably the most popular part to tell stories of, as it is for any ship. The premise of this story has a few tried and true elements, but does put an interesting spin on things.

Another thing I liked from this story was that it had several lines of dialogue that were pretty good. From AJ's now-ruined memory of her parent's "innocent" banter, to Spike's overestimation of how he relates to Rarity, to Rose's "it's my job."

Between those things, you have a story that from start to finish is a cut above the usual fecal waterfall that spills onto the site. At the risk of sounding like damning the story with faint praise, let me clarify that this story is indeed pretty damn entertaining.

On to the technical stuff.

Tit is a pretty good writer. He knows how to use a spellchecker, has his work proofread by others, and according to the credits, has a small squad of editors that did their job of hammering something rough into something that wouldn't be marked so hard with the red pencil that it looks like it soaked in the red sea for a year. Or something. It is competently written, lacks jarring mistakes or poor formatting that render it difficult to read.

There are some issues though. At several points in the story there are scenes containing multiple speaking characters. These sorts of scenes can be a mess to navigate through, and it can be easy to lose track of who is saying what or doing what. That said, it felt often that the "tagging" of characters was off. Very often if felt like pronouns, if used, would have felt much more natural without risk of losing track of whom they referred to. It felt like much too much caution was used to prevent befuddlement, and the scenes suffered for it.

The pacing felt a bit weird. A quick scroll over the story shows me that the overwhelming majority of paragraphs in the story are a single line long, occasionally venturing out into a medium size paragraph of 2-4 lines length. If they ever stray into the territory of a "large" paragraph, it is often due to the paragraph in question being a quote of some throw-away pony's poem or love letter. In fact, there are only three instances of non-quote paragraphs being four lines long, and two of them are during Spike and Twilight's conversation.

Short paragraphs tend to evoke a sense of urgency. To quickly absorb a few small details and move on.

So the entire story has us bouncing from person to person, for over 11k words. At no point do we ever really get to "settle" in and focus on any of the scenery, a particular character, or what it is they're thinking or doing. It feels like the prose is trying to push us along to the end, which never lets us stop and smell the roses.

Utilitarian comes to mind. All the activity in the story is throw-away minor actions, which never really build up an immersive quality. We're basically treated to a few different set-pieces of talking heads.

On to the bad.

One example of why the story feels too utilitarian in execution is that I'm left, even at the end, questioning just what Twilight's opinions are. Her motivation is very important to the meat of the story, and all we have is a surface characterization from her. She has a panic. It isn't, as pointed out in-story, as bad as It's About Time, but it doesn't really seem to lift until the conversation with Rainbow at the end. Despite their directly addressing the issue of "I don't want a pity date," I'm not convinced that that isn't exactly what Twilight is doing.

Twilight confronting her lack of romantic intimacy is an interesting thing to explore. But we don't get to do that with this story. So while the story might give us an entertaining experience, I feel like it fails to deliver one of the promises it makes up front. The story, particularly in the conversation between Twilight and Spike, attempts to convey a sense of what her issue is, but it gets muddled up by her own inability to suss it out. In the end, she seems to fly off without even being sure herself what it is she actually wants, stuffing that to the side in favor of wanting to console her hurt friend.

Rainbow's side of the story could have been presented in several ways. I've typically seen stories where Rainbow is the one interested in Twilight and confesses to her. Generally it involves something big, flashy, and awesome. I've seen stories tap into her pride in her culture, and so on. In this story, we're instead focusing on "Dash rushes into stuff without thinking" due to the "panic" caused by the sudden potential missed opportunity. That said, I still think Dash would have tried to go bigger. Simply doing something that, apparently, everyone else in Equestria is doing doesn't seem much like her style. Especially something that doesn't appear to be working that well on Twilight. When pushed to make a quick decision, a situation Dash is pretty comfortable with, she tends to go with her strengths, not flail with her weaknesses.

There is a weak sense that the deluge of flowers is kinda/sorta working, and we could technically argue that Dash is trying what appears to kinda/sorta working for others, but the story doesn't really upsell how effective all this is on Twilight to really sell that as a motivation for Dash.

Setting aside the disappointment of the above, we didn't really get to spend much time exploring any kind of rise and fall with Dash. She seems a bit defensive and confrontational at the start, rushes off to do something, fails, gets discouraged, then in the end gets a pity offering from Twilight and is convinced by Twilight's weak reassurance that it isn't a pity date. Missing is a compelling sense of "trying hard" that we could expect from Dash. Missing is the sense of her coming out of her pit of despair to shine. Missing is the entertaining antics that she goes through to prevent winter Twilight from accepting some distant stranger.

Thirdly, the plot is a bit straight-forward and weak. There is no real complication to the plot. We're presented somewhat abruptly with the issues of both mares, there is a bit of talking with their friends, then each other, and it ends.

This could easily have been presented as a drama. Twilight might have found someone interesting in the castleful of love letters. Maybe Dash would have had to crash a few weather factories dates to sabotage them. Give us all a sense that no, she really might lose Twilight to someone else. Maybe have her efforts to sabotage those dates backfire and earn Twilight's resentment. Work through that, and have Dash prove her affections in a big romantic gesture.

Pretty standard romance novel stuff, but could have been given some sort of interesting spin. Instead, we got basically a slice of life story that makes little to no effort to be interesting or engaging, and it happens to qualify as romantic on a technicality.

In conclusion, the story lacks a lot of errors that the typical author makes. It accomplishes the goal of being entertaining, at least shallowly, that most stories fail at. But it also fails to reach very high. It fails to really explore what could have been done with it's setup, and it feels very unsatisfying by the end. It feels like it tries to technically fit into certain categories without excelling in them. It never quite breaks character to be called OOC, but it never really brings the main two characters to life.

In the end, this was a Slice of [has a pulse, therefore is alive].

Author response

Hey, thanks for the big long review thing! I'm always happy to see something I write get something like this, so thank you for it.

To round up the "coming into the story" bit, I am also aware that Tit is mostly a RariJack shipper. So his writing a TwiDash story, my personal favorite ship, carried with it a bit of extra interest. I do like to see when people step out of their "comfort zones" as it where, though the previous paragraph demonstrates that this isn't unusal for Tit. So this is less about that, and more about my hoping for some good quality TwiDash.

Ironically, the first story I ever started writing was a TwiDash story, which I never ended up finishing after it got uncanoned by Daring Do being real. TwiDash is probably in my top five ships, so it is kind of odd that I had never posted a TwiDash shipfic until now.
I actually have a bunch in my outlines, and some which are partly finished, so there will hopefully be more coming in the future.

Just looking at the titles, cover art, and tags lets me know there is a pretty diverse collection of stuff, and I may be missing out on some gems.

I'd like to think so.

First off, I think the thing I liked the best...

I'm glad you liked the premise! I thought it was interesting and hopefully different, so I'm glad it was a hit with you.
I'm also glad you liked the dialogue; I like to convince myself that I'm good at it.

There are some issues though. At several points in the story there are scenes containing multiple speaking characters. These sorts of scenes can be a mess to navigate through, and it can be easy to lose track of who is saying what or doing what. That said, it felt often that the "tagging" of characters was off. Very often if felt like pronouns, if used, would have felt much more natural without risk of losing track of whom they referred to. It felt like much too much caution was used to prevent befuddlement, and the scenes suffered for it.

I actually added a few more of those in editing, both due to my own concerns and due to the concerns of my editors. Reading scenes with lots of speakers - especially where they are all female - can be tough on readers.
It also had a lot of characters breaking in and multiple-way conversations, which never helps such things.

A quick scroll over the story shows me that the overwhelming majority of paragraphs in the story are a single line long, occasionally venturing out into a medium size paragraph of 2-4 lines length. If they ever stray into the territory of a "large" paragraph, it is often due to the paragraph in question being a quote of some throw-away pony's poem or love letter. In fact, there are only three instances of non-quote paragraphs being four lines long, and two of them are during Spike and Twilight's conversation.

Yeah. This was a very conversation-heavy piece, and I think the term "utilitarian" isn't really wrong - I have a tendency to write fairly plain narrative prose.

The story, particularly in the conversation between Twilight and Spike, attempts to convey a sense of what her issue is, but it gets muddled up by her own inability to suss it out. In the end, she seems to fly off without even being sure herself what it is she actually wants, stuffing that to the side in favor of wanting to console her hurt friend.

That's the point of the story - Twilight isn't really sure of her own emotions. She's being pulled by several different emotions and motivations. She isn't really feeling just one thing, just like real people often aren't just feeling one thing - and while she has resolved to take a course of action by the end of the story (dating Rainbow Dash) she isn't entirely sure she's made the right decision. It is supposed to be messy and complicated.

I've typically seen stories where Rainbow is the one interested in Twilight and confesses to her. Generally it involves something big, flashy, and awesome.

Fantasy Rainbow Dash - the Rainbow Dash that Rainbow Dash likes to fantasize about being - totally would do some awesome huge romantic gesture that would make the mares swoon.
But that's fantasy Rainbow Dash. Actually doing that would involve a lot of risk-taking - and while Rainbow Dash is impulsive, she's actually not a huge risk-taker. She was very scared of doing the Sonic Rainboom because it was so hard to do in competition, and kept delaying going out in order to avoid having to do it and face the threat of failure. Spitfire herself noted that Lightning Dust is way more of a risk-taker than Rainbow Dash. Indeed, Rainbow Dash generally plays for the sure win, and when she isn't confident about something, she has a tendency to publicly avoid it, so as to avoid the threat of failing publicly. It is only when failure is certain if she does nothing that she starts flailing around wildly.
That was the Rainbow Dash I was trying to capture in this story - the one who is scared of failure, and procrastinates, but when faced with what she percieves as certain failure if she doesn't do something, impulsively tries to do something so she isn't a loser.
Rainbow Dash latched onto Twilight's comments in the first scene about the flowers and it being a romantic gesture and Twilight freaking out over nopony in Ponyville sending her flowers. Rainbow Dash doesn't really know what she's doing, but she has some vague notions about what she's supposed to be doing - which is precisely why she does what she does. For instance, hoof-picked flowers are romantic because it shows that they cared enough to go out and spend time on putting together their gift, something Rainbow Dash might have picked up on - the idea of someone making a personal gift or going out and personally gathering flowers for someone else is a romantic trope. But this crashes and burns in reality because Rainbow Dash has no idea how to do it properly. Writing a personal poem for someone else is totally romantic - but Rainbow Dash sucks at poetry. And nopony else in Ponyville sent Twilight a card, so clearly that gives Rainbow Dash a much better shot - not realizing that the reason why no one else in Ponyville sent Twilight bouquets is because they do know her, and beyond not being the best idea, if they were going to send Twilight flowers, they wouldn't do it because of some dumb magazine article.
Rainbow Dash did what she thought was right, but she didn't really do much thinking about it. Had she not been so focused on what was going on, she might have done something else - but she got tunnel vision. Something she does sometimes, like when she decided to do the Sonic Rainboom instead of trying out some other trick that she could actually perform in practice, or how she kept trying to be a hero when the Mysterious Mare Do Well upstaged her, instead of trying to do other things to impress and garner attention.

This could easily have been presented as a drama. Twilight might have found someone interesting in the castleful of love letters. Maybe Dash would have had to crash a few weather factories dates to sabotage them. Give us all a sense that no, she really might lose Twilight to someone else. Maybe have her efforts to sabotage those dates backfire and earn Twilight's resentment. Work through that, and have Dash prove her affections in a big romantic gesture.

I mean, I've literally written a story about Rainbow Dash crashing one of her friend's dates. I like that story. But that wasn't this story.
I do have a story idea about Rainbow Dash being stuck in a bad situation where someone else beats her to the punch with Twilight and Rainbow Dash has to deal with that. In fact, I really like the idea for that story as well, but I have the feeling that it would be difficult to sell to audiences because it would be a pretty unhappy story, as it is dealing with jealousy and if there's one thing I know people hate, it is putting Twilight together with someone they don't like. And because the story has the reader empathize with Rainbow Dash, it is playing with fire.
This story wasn't meant to be either of those things, though. It isn't about jealousy, nor is it meant to be about grand romantic gestures or Rainbow Dash being a jerk with a heart of gold.
This story was meant to be about a more... I dare say realistic approach to them starting to date. It isn't some perfect thing; it is awkward, and their feelings about each other are multidimensional and that just makes things harder.
It is about the awkwardness of a friend having romantic feelings towards you, as well as feelings of loneliness and worries about being single, as well as the fear of rejection. And of course, it is supposed to be about Twilight and Rainbow Dash.
I mean, what you are saying here boils down to "I'd like for you to write a totally different story", because that would be a different story, with different themes.
In a story where big grand romantic gestures are a thing, something like getting buried in bouquets at the start of this story would be lovely - it would show that people care about you. But in this story, getting a massive number of love letters and bouquets from ponies across Equestria isn't some nice gesture - it's actually intimidating and impersonal. That was a deliberate tonal choice I made which set the tone of the piece - Twilight isn't flattered by the huge number of flowers, they scare her in the very first scene, and she defaults to the mechanical "make a list of names so I can send thank you letters" because she has no idea how to deal with the situation.

Elements of Honor, by SpitFlame

A review request came to my inbox from the author of this story. A quick look over the title, cover art, tags, and description leads me to believe I would never stumble upon this story where he to not draw my attention to it. If I did, I doubt I'd crack the cover.

Now, there is an old adage of not judging a book by its cover. That holds far less true these days, especially when the cover, usually crafted to attempt to sell the contents to you, is much more elaborate and informative. The adage comes from a time when the bindings on a book were more physical and less informative. A book cover could be a work of art in and of itself, while many books might be bound in plain and utilitarian covers. The adage springs from a time in which all books were a rare and precious thing, and the sort of person able to even be in a position to judge a book at all was probably a wealthy person. It makes a lot more sense, in that context, for a wealthy person to turn their nose away from a plain or shoddy looking book. What value could such a text possibly have if the binder didn't even spend the effort to emboss it, bind it in an attractive cover, and work metals or even precious stones into it? The adage says that the contents within a book are of possible value regardless of the cover. Knowledge contained within exceeds the value of a mere work of art.

There may still be situations in which this bit of wisdom holds true. However, as I mentioned, the "cover" of a story like this one are themselves far more informative and illuminating than the gaudy artsy covers of the distant past. There are also far more books in existence, and a great many books are indeed filled with contents of little value. A cover needs to sell a potential reader that the contents within are indeed worth a lot. Just as our ability to print and publish books has increased beyond the wildest imaginations of the original coiner of the adage, our need to filter out bad books that are likely a waste of time has also grown. The cover has evolved, particularly in the digital format we enjoy here, to assist in that filter. Fimfic as a whole seeks to help up with that filter.

One of the filters that is assumed on this site is that everyone here is looking for stories about ponies. If a story isn't about ponies, it isn't allowed on this site. I've seen a lot of stories that push the boundaries of what counts, and few of those are particularly successful or good. The more "about ponies" you are, the more satisfying your story is likely to be to someone seeking out "good pony stories." Crossovers, by definition, are less about ponies than non-crossover stories. We can assume going in that the crossover will either be: mostly pony, with some minor fraction of the crossover material; around fifty-fifty; or primarily about something other than pony with some minor fraction of pony (up to and including so little pony that it only barely passes moderation). So there is always going to be some apprehension seeing this tag, about whither or not it is even going to be about something a reader wants to read on a pony fanfiction website.

I have no idea who or what "Corvo" is. The description on the cover doesn't inform me any. I could do a Google search for this name, but I expect the author to provide me with this information. If I have to go looking on my own, that's already a mark against the story. Even if the rest of the cover enticed me to enter in and start reading, I would turn away for that. I'm only going to continue and click in because I am somewhat interested in producing a review. A review of, "this looks bad and I didn't bother reading any of it" isn't very interesting or useful a review to anyone, but so far that is my inclination going in. There is an uphill battle for the author to catch my interest.

---

After clicking into the first chapter, the first thing I notice is that there is nothing but choppy, single-line paragraphs til below the point where I need to scroll. It appears at first glance the story is intending to start me off with some sort of action. Maybe it will bring me up to speed of where I am and what is going on...

The first scene has Twilight being confronted with a crowd of loud and demanding reporters. Rather than let us get our exposition from the questions they're asking, we're instead informed about what is going on in the story through narration while Twilight flees this tedious crowd. Not that the early exposition of the story is particularly informative, but we're at least given the understanding that some weird stuff is going on. We've seen weird stuff plenty of times before. Discord coming to mind first, as well as various other things. Some of which are "just Saturday." A reporter calling this stuff "black magic" seems to stretch my suspension of disbelief that I'm reading something in Equestria though. More on that later if it remains relevant.

"Twilight, you seem to be back early," she said in a humble tone. She set her papers down by the white short table, and turned back to Twilight. "Though I assume you were just in the middle of a rascal with the Canterlot ponies."

I don't think that means what you think that means.

But Twilight still felt disappointed, like she did something wrong, or didn't do something that was expected of her.

Tell don't show, I guess.

"What about all those ponies waiting to talk to me? Surely I can't just abandon them!"

But, Twilight, you already did abandon them. You are currently talking to Princess Celestia, having turned tail and trotted away from them.

"Guards!" ... "Please go to the outer-field and answer any questions the ponies have..."

Celestia is ordering her guards to go answer questions to which she just admitted she doesn't have the answers to. I'm sure they're up to the task, and it is reasonable for Celestia to expect them to succeed.

deeply engraved with small stone pieces, shaped like emeralds.

What shape do emeralds have? They're often cut, like any other gem, into whatever faceted shapes jewelers think will look pretty. They may be cut into many different sorts of shapes though.

Is this what you mean? That's $3 worth of emeralds on Ebay.

On the stained-glass window, a fray of six ponies and one large midnight pony

Two things. First:

fray
VERB
1[no object] (of a fabric, rope, or cord) unravel or become worn at the edge, typically through constant rubbing.
‘cheap fabric soon frays’
1.1 (of a person's nerves or temper) show the effects of strain.
‘as the temperature rose, tempers frayed’
2[with object] (of a male deer) rub (a bush or small tree) with the head in order to remove the velvet from newly formed antlers, or to mark territory during the rut.
‘bucks mark their territory by fraying small trees’

Again, I don't think that means what you think it means.
Second: There are three possible people you might be describing this window to or as. Celestia and Twilight are in the room, and if either of them are looking at it and we're getting this description as if to inform us how they see it, then they'd be unlikely to describe this window in such... vague a way. Twilight would likely describe it as, "it shows a scene where my friends and I first defeated/helped Nightmare Moon/Luna." Celestia would likely describe it as, "it shows a scene where my sister was rescued from Nightmare Moon by Twilight and her friends." The third possibility is that you, the author/narrator, are presuming we, the readers, don't know who these ponies are and you're describing them for us as if for the first time.

Lets go with the third one. It's not necessarily wrong, and if this is how you continue to describe things when we get to the material that isn't pony, it probably ought to be described this way too, and so this would be preemptively consistent. That said, this is an inherent problem with a crossover. In any non-crossover story where the author intends to describe this window to us, it would indeed be wrong because of course we know this scene, and have seen this very window on the show several times. One of the other points of view I described above would be much better. We, the readers, don't care all that much about the window itself, we care about what the characters in the scene think about the window.

"R-remember that one time—" Twilight gulped down nervously. "Remember that one time when that thing, that creature came into Equestria, and caused all those horrible atrocities? He had a metal face and was intended on killing us. Do you remember that?"

At this point, I'm going to stop specifically commenting when a word is wrong. I'm not going to seek each one out to point out to you. I'm not your editor. However, if I am quoting something, like this, for other reasons and I notice a wrong word in it, I'll just bold it for you. Unless I think of something entertaining to comment on a word.

On to the main point of this quote. I certainly don't remember that time. Well, I guess this is the crossover material? Lets see how this goes.

A grey shadow ran over Celestia's face; she shifted her eyebrows slightly downwards, making Twilight feel like she had shrunken in place.

So close. You started out well, showing us Celestia's reaction to Twilight's topic. But then you went back to being telly, and outright state how Twilight feels about Celestia's reaction.

But, Twilight, that is the past, so please don't live in it. What we must focus on is what is important now and only now. Do you understand?"

So... Twilight remembers some strange event, seemingly at random. An event that ended in a way she doesn't understand. We can presume this murderous, dangerous being didn't do anything for a significant amount of time afterwards, and everyone is (not necessarily smartly) assuming it is gone for good. We might think Celestia knows more... but in this she doesn't offer any answers, and instead tells Twilight to forget about it.

So, is this relevant to the current crisis or not? Some poorly described event that was never resolved, and now more weird stuff is going on? Seems reasonable to bring up! Why would Twilight think of this event if she doesn't suspect it is linked to the current goings on? Yes, she should focus on what is important now. Isn't that what she is doing?

As someone who has read a lot of books, I can assume that this random, out of nowhere recollection is indeed relevant. Why would Twilight think of something and the author spend time writing about her doing so, if it isn't going to be about this crossover material that I'm aware is going to happen in some way down the road? So, at this point, you have me frustrated that you're not giving more information on what is clearly going to be a focal point of the story soon, based on the cover description. Instead you seem to be intent on delaying the feeding of information for no good reason. This clearly is a point at which you're foreshadowing this being, and instead of going ahead and doing so, you're "teasing." Welp, lets continue this schlog.

No, "schlog" isn't a real word.

With that said, the two princesses both enjoyed their tea time, and would resume their duties on a later hour.

What duties does Twilight intend to resume? So far she has attempted to leave the castle to go back home to Ponyville. She was accosted by paparazzi, fled back into the castle, had tea with Celestia, and we end our scene. Presumably, she is going to head home and hope her path to the train station is now clear?

Whatever. I guess I'll figure it out whenever I see Twilight again. New scene.

Over on a tall building stood an assassin: a tall and grim stranger he was.

I don't think you understand how the colon is to be used.

Also, glad you told me this is an assassin. I might mistake it for a vigilante or a maniac or a chimney sweep. Those all look completely different.

The assassin bore a black shadow over his eyes

So, at this point, you're using this word as a part of this character's identity. Since he is not currently in the act of assassinating anyone, and so far it doesn't appear he recently assassinated someone, it seems odd to refer to him as such. Now, if I was an investigator for the law, and I was referring to someone whom I knew little about yet, other than "the person who killed the important person" then I'd identify them in this way. Instead, you have a person who is here and now, being described to the reader via narration. It's odd to identify him in this way.

Now, since this is a pony story on a pony site, and you're describing Corvo here, you might as well get on with it and simply tell us he's Corvo. I have no idea who Corvo is, but I can already figure out who this tall and grim character is because I'm not a retard. If you actually had some purpose for describing him in such vague terms and stretching things out, I'd give you a pass. But you don't. This is so far just pretty annoying.

Corvo lifted his left hand slowly,

There you go. Now was that so hard? Really, what was the point of delaying this "reveal" for a couple of paragraphs?

and the Mark glowed a light of yellow and turquoise. The colors twitched and shone through his lenses,

Remember what I said about consistency in how you described the stained-glass window in the Canterlot Palace? How Twilight or Celestia would refer to it and the depictions within it? That's how you're doing it here. I have no idea what the "Mark" is, but I assume by your use of capitalization that this is a proper noun, and it isn't just some kind of mark. Like, a palace is a palace, but the Canterlot Palace is a particular one. This Mark is probably a mark of some sort, but it is a particular one.

One that I, the reader, know nothing about. So... where is my vague-ish description, consistent with how you described the stained glass window, to let me know what it is I am looking at? You tell me it is there, by name, then describe it glowing with colors. Also, "lenses" ? Is he wearing glasses?

and he began to have mental images of Equestria. The Pony World, one which he had invaded long ago, killed innocent lives there. For what! To give The Outsider an entertaining show?

Well, it seems characters in this story have random thoughts pop into their heads. Corvo was just looking at a wanted poster for himself, and observing the city around him from a rooftop. Why isn't he thinking about whatever it was he did to earn that bounty or concerned about the efforts to find and arrest him? Why is he instead randomly thinking about magical horseland, a place he appears to not be in at the moment? Why is someone you, the author, choose to identify merely with the word "assassin" attributing "innocent" to some colorful marshmallow horses he killed? I guess if I knew more about this character, I could say that maybe he has some kind of moral code where he only kills bad guys. Such a character mistakenly killing innocents and brooding about it years later is a story I know I've heard before somewhere. However, he "invaded" the place. Why? Why does an assassin "invade" another world? That's not an assassin. Also, who is this guy's employer? Assassins aren't solo. Anyone who kills other people on their own isn't an assassin, they're just a murderer or a vigilante. Part of what makes someone an assassin instead of just a random criminal, is that someone else hires them to do the killing. So... was he hired to kill somepony in Equestria? "innocent" doesn't really come into play if they're a target.

We have yet one more capitalized proper noun. "The Outsider." Stained glass inconsistency. No idea who this is. Doesn't seem to be Corvo's employer, the way he's referring to him/her/it.

Moving on...

His mark's glow hazed and blurred

No longer a proper noun? Also specifying it as "his" further reinforces that there is probably more than one of this thing. The only specialness of this mark is that it is his though. Whereas before, it was special because it was a very specific thing. It's a somewhat subtle problem, but you are being highly inconsistent here.

Imagine, if you will, that you are witnessing a scene in which there is a dog. There are lots of dogs in the world, but there is only one in this scene. However, based on how I just described it, you know next to nothing about the dog.

In yet another scene, I tell you about my dog. Already you know more about this dog, and it is more specific. It's not just any old dog, it's a specific individual. The one I own.

In a third scene, I could tell you about Rover. Rover is my dog. But you know even more about him than you know about the dogs in the other scenes. In the previous one, am I referring to Rover or my other dog, Fido? You can be sure in this scene I'm talking about Rover though, because I refer to him by name.

Maybe I have a third dog, and his name is Dog. Because I'm super good at naming dogs. A fourth dog I might name Mark.

Do you see the differences between how you're referring to this thing?

Pop quiz: what breed, gender, age, and demeanor are each of my four dogs? What favorite food and toy for each? Which ones are still alive?

quick trail of smoke

What does fast smoke look like?

His mind raced across the tragic tales told in his head, and hopefully, or doubtfully, in Equestria.

I don't even.

Corvo is going to Equestria though, I guess.

Next scene.

Its waxing quality was blacker than normal

Waxing means the moon is in the part of its cycle where we go night to night from the new moon towards the full. Being blacker than normal implies... it isn't progressing towards full as much as it ought to have? Like, it would have been this far progressed on a previous night and that would be fine, but by now it should be more full and it isn't? Is that what you're saying here? Depending on if we're in Equestria or not, this might be concerning. Considering we were just not in Equestria and observed Corvo teleporting to Equestria, I'm assuming we're back in Equestria now, but I'm not certain. So... something is wrong with Luna and/or her control over her moon?

The Everfree Forest was dense—much darkness was emitted once one was inside.

Someone failed basic high school physics.

...overlapped with the queer forest...

Few places of open area bared in the queer forest.

...

Strange indeed.

Tonight, it was drab and vague.

Yes, yes it was.

In the center stood a black cloaked creature: Corvo.

I am the terror that flaps in the night.

/me slow claps.

"Ah, this forest again," said Corvo to himself. "Why is it always this forest in particular?"

Corvo can travel between worlds, but clearly doesn't understand some of the mechanics behind how he travels. Not that I understand any more than he does, but if anyone could enlighten me, I'm a bit disappointed to learn that Corvo can't.

His Mark was still scarred and strangely splintered on its sides, but the overall shape remained.

Back to being a proper noun.

Also, it occasionally changes shape? We've seen it glow and do magicky stuff, but I have no idea what this thing looks like still. It is "still" the way you describe it though, so apparently it is currently "normal" yet you also describe it is "strange." Strange to whom? Yeah, it's strange to me personally since I have no clue what it is. But is it strange to Corvo? Why? It belongs to him, and he uses it. Is this just another thing he uses and it just works? Corvo so far seems like a bit of a laid back sort of guy. On the tin it suggested he was more of a thinker though, so I'm a bit confused.

weaponry: gun, crossbow, sword, bombs and ammunition.

Glad we got this inventory check out of the way. Since you're bothering to tell us so many details already, why not finish the job:

What kind of gun? I'm not expecting a specific brand or model or anything, but a shotgun, a rifle, and a pistol are all pretty significantly different from each other. An assault rifle or a sniper rifle would be very different from each other, and each different from a hunting rifle. Is it maybe some sort of machinegun? You do say gun, and a military person like myself would assume that is what you mean if you're calling it a gun. Is it a submachinegun, LMG, or is this Corvo guy packing a big crew-serve gun like an M60 or an M2?

A crossbow? Is it one of those large rifle-sized ones needing two hands or is it like a mini-crossbow you can use one-handed?

What kind of sword? A big two-hander like a longsword or greatsword, or a one-hander like an arming sword or perhaps a rapier? Is is a single or double-edged sword? Is it a curved slashy sword or a pointed stabby sword? Is Corvo more of a hack and slash kind of guy or more of a fencer? Is there some sort of cultural significance to the particular sword he wears like a katana or an Ulfberht?

What kind of bombs? Are we talking grenades, c4, some kind of claymore mines, those little black spheres with fuses, or pipebombs? Or does he have some magical method of deploying those big bombs they'd drop out of a B2 during WW2? Corvo can teleport, I'm not eliminating the possibility that he can fly and carpet bomb cities.

Ammunition. Presumably for his gun and crossbow. Well, good to know. I mean, if you failed to mention ammo, I'd assume he has some. Or that he can fire magic with those weapons. But I guess now I know he has a presumably finite supply of the stuff: however much he's carrying.

immediately charged up his mark

Back to no longer being a proper noun. Also, it appears to be functioning properly, as he's using it again. So, it bringing him into the Everfree "again" isn't a malfunction, or if it is, not one to concern cool as a cucumber Corvo.

teleporting throughout the dense darkness of the Everfree forest.

Presumably this is a different kind of teleportation than the kind used to bring him here from wherever he was. It's far less dramatically described. I do have to wonder why he didn't end up wherever in Equestria he was picturing in his head though. At least he's able to magically teleport around within Equestria now that he's here though.

The assassin ran to where he last remembered being, that one day all that time ago.

Ran? Didn't you just say he was teleporting somewhere else? Errr... he's been to Equestria before, just teleported from one world to another, and is now teleporting around some more. Why does he have to run?

Uhh...

The waxing moon still hung over the starry sky

We already know it is waxing. I'd also like to point out that when the moon is waxing or waning, you can't actually tell by looking at it. Again, "waxing" refers to the lunar cycle, which is relative to what it was last night and will be tomorrow night. There is no descriptive value to be gained by calling it a waxing moon unless you're referring to it in that sort of context. In the context of simply looking up into the sky and seeing what the moon looks like right now, you'd be better off describing what phase it actually is in.

This does remind me though. You had brought up the moon already in this scene. No mention of Luna having trouble has been described so far. So what the hell did you mean by it being blacker than normal? Do you just not understand the moon? Go outside tonight and look at it. It's pretty.

an assassin came ever so closer to Canterlot Castle.

Someone alert the guards. Protect the princesses! Hopefully Corvo can stop this new assassin...

As he ran, Corvo noticed how grey things seemed.

Well, shit. If you meant Corvo, why didn't you just say Corvo from the start?

See, this is exactly the problem that comes up with "LUS" (Lavender Unicorn Syndrome). I'm sure when you wrote this, you had this idea, as culprits guilty of using LUS often have, that you're trying to change things up. Vary and spice up your descriptions. This is the wrong way to do it though. First and foremost, a description that is "vague" such as "the purple unicorn" is only appropriate when you want to invoke the sense that the "speaker" isn't sure who this being is. However, after Twilight introduces herself, invites you to the local fast food place for hayburgers, and you're watching in astonishment as she wolfs down three burgers and gets ketchup all over her muzzle, you would not describe it as, "the purple alicorn looked sloppy with all that ketchup on her face." You would just say, "Twilight looked sloppy with all that ketchup on her face."

We know who Corvo is at this point. If you refer to him vaguely, you're suggesting an unfamiliarity. We're "familiar" with Corvo now, and so a vague reference tells us that we're not witnessing Corvo, but someone new whom we are not familiar with. This is LUS. Not only has describing him ever so far in your story as "the assassin" been badly done, this time is especially distracting and I'm fearful that this is just how you write, and it's going to constantly derail what otherwise would be a possibly immersing story.

New scene.

Both Twilight Sparkle and Princess Celestia walked about the fashionable halls of Canterlot castle. They trotted quietly after their tea-time

Are they walking or trotting? These are not synonyms for each other. They're both ways a horse can travel, but they imply different speeds and effort. Regardless of which they are doing, you never need to inform us twice in the same paragraph that they're moving. The only time multiple sentences in the same paragraph should be devoted to travel is to indicate some sort of difference, change, or alteration to the overal movement. And if movement is really all that complicated and interspersed with other activities, dialogue, and the setting, you're probably better off splitting ideas that important off into separate paragraphs.

A loud noise rang thickly

I thought I would be avoiding a lot of these misused words, as there really are so freaking many, but how is a noise thick? I ignored a previous instance of a noise being "high" and assumed you might have meant high-pitched. But thick? What the fuck?

It sounded not so much of a scream

If you ever find yourself describing something by what it isn't, then you're probably doing it wrong. In this case, you are[ doing it wrong.

blurred

I am beginning to suspect you might be deaf. Are you really unfamiliar with sound?

A guard rushed in through the double door.

That was probably the most tedious way you could have depicted this minor event. You totally needed to drag this out for seven sentences what could have been conveyed in one. Observe:

A guard rushed in through the double door. "Your Highnesses!" he said, high-pitched as if he was out of breath, and was forcing out a voice. "Please come to the front yard of the castle. It's a danger, and we need your help!"

Eliminating all six other sentences in that paragraph and moving this one sentence to the next conveys everything you might have wanted to. If you were really keen on retaining that quiet-to-loud auditory buildup before the doors opened, you could add one more sentence to the front simply stating just that.

Also:

panted with a marred tone

Once again, a visual descriptor to a sound.

"Do you think everything is alright back there?"

Twilight, the guard pony just said it was dangerous, and is requesting two alicorns come provide backup. Instead of, y'know, doing his job and urging you two princesses to go elsewhere to safety from some sort of threat. Whatever it is, I am sure it isn't "alright back there." C'mon, you're a smart pony. Why aren't you able to understand a basic situational sort of thing like this? What happened? Did you hit your head? Did Special Ed make you special too?

was the assassin from over a year ago.

Now, Twilight, you should only focus on what is important in the here and now. Because when you think about bad stuff like this guy, then apparently he will show up again. If you had just focused on the here and now, forgotten about the past, then it wouldn't have come back to us in the courtyard and requested a chat. Damn you, Twilight Sparkle, I thought I taught you better than this.

---

So, I thought I'd try out a different format to my usual method of doing reviews. Trying something new out was a large part of why I bothered to do this review at all. As you may have surmised from my opening bit, this story would not have interested me to read in the slightest outside of the author's request that I review it. After having read the first chapter, I can see that hesitation was justified. Needless to say, I am not going to bother reading on further.

This story is riddled with errors. I get the impression some of these word choices are the result of a different culture than my own; perhaps an English one. If you're attentive though, you'll notice that when I posted the dictionary definition of the word "fray" I chose the Oxford English Dictionary, my personal go-to choice of word-meaning-needs. In particular, I chose the EN version, instead of the US. If my impression is wrong and this was written by a fellow American, well bub, you're still wrong and a lot more of what you wrote makes even less sense. If you are an Englishman, well... I don't really care that much. You're still using words wrong even by your own culture. I may not have grown up in it, but I'm familiar enough with it.

Beyond simple spelling and grammar issues, there is a question of what and how things are presented. Some writers might defend the use of LUS, and there are ways you can use it to good effect. However, this story is a clear example of how it is bad for your story, and actively ruins the narrative. There are a lot of other things you describe in the story, and it isn't so much that you lack description, it just feels very awkward figuring out to whom you are describing these various things.

I ragged pretty hard on you for the way you describe items of sound in the chapter. This might be a cultural difference, or some sort of poetic choice. Whichever it is, it was highly distracting, and reduced how evocative and imagination-stimulating every scene could have been for me. Other cues, like the colors of the forest, the moon, and so on did a poor job of painting these scenes in my imagination.

Characterization was poor. I don't know who is or where Corvo comes from, but I only have a vague idea of what he looks like, how he's dressed, or so on. I'm assuming the picture on the cover-art is him. I have very little understanding of what his motivations and goals are, or what his personality is like. If this were a good story, I'd be hooked by now and curious who he is and what he's going to do. Instead, I was treated to an effort by someone without the skill to do so attempting to put a bunch of flashy visual effects fitting for a video game into a text-based story. The term "assassin" is being pushed to do far more work of telling me who Corvo is than the word is capable of doing.

Twilight appears to be an idiot. At best, the sort of "meek, teacher don't be mad at me for messing up" sliver of her personality could be sort of argued to be present in this story.

Celestia manages to be more bland and undefined than the show has ever made her out to be. Like, I get that we don't have much to go off of, and I'm going to assume when this was written, season 7 hadn't been viewed yet, but you gave us less personality for her than you did for Corvo.

That was 3215 words, according to Fimfic's word-counting algorithms, in which Twilight reveals her aborted attempt to get home to Ponyville from Canterlot due to paparazzi, a boring and slightly cryptic conversation with Celestia whilst hiding from the crowd outside, a scene where Corvo broods a bit on a rooftop on some other world, teleports to Equestria, runs to Canterlot, and asks to have a chat with the two Princesses. Oh, and some Discord-shenanigans are going on, and we know from the cover that Corvo is going to be a good guy and help Equestria with these problems, not murder/assassinate royalty and be the problem himself.

I have to question why we went through this chapter. The introduction to our characters didn't, our introduction to the conflict didn't, and we could have begun the story with Corvo popping into Equestria in the throne room in front of Celestia and Twilight whilst they had tea together. None of the rest of the moving about space, running, and inventorying supplies told us anything of value or helped us get to know anyone better.

From the perspective of a fan of MLP on Fimfic reading a story published here to be about ponies, I am this far in and know next to nothing about the non-pony elements of the crossover, and the depictions of the pony elements of the story are poorly done as well. As someone reading a story, I have no knowledge of what the problem in the story is so far, therefore can't be interested in how it impacts characters I care about or how it might be solved. I also have nothing drawing me to these particular characters to care about them if the issue with plot were resolved. Even if I was a giant fan of Celestia and/or Twilight Sparkle, this story has done nothing to assure me that I will be enjoying an entertaining depiction of them. Instead it has done the opposite, and assured me that I'm likely to be presented with a mistreatment of their characters at the hands of an inept author. I can also assume I'm going to have to endure a lot of tedius, drawn out, and often pointless delays and "teases" for information that should just be given to me a paragraph or two sooner. A lot of this is apparently going to revolve around the character of Corvo, because you seem to feel the need to be tight-fisted and reserved with showing me who he is.

I can't be bothered to subject myself to such treatment.

These days, you can tell a lot by the cover of a book. Even if you do decide to go into a story after seeing the cover, it is still going to have a big influence on how you perceive things going in, how you interpret things as they unfold, and what expectations you're going to have going through. Judging this book by it's cover would have saved me roughly 15-20 minutes worth of time it would take to read the first chapter.

Author response

Well shoot, while I'm really disappointed you only covered the first chapter, I gotta give you credit for the amount of effort and information you put in this comment. I fully acknowledge all of your criticisms, especially the one about the misused words.
Err, not much else to say story-wise on my part, it really is just the first chapter.
Thanks.

Grouping three reviews into one post.

Preening Your Princess, by XenoPony

Finished reading this just now. I realize it has been out for awhile now and has a couple of sequels which I guess I'll get around to reading. But, before I do, this story.

So, like others, I felt this was too short. It ended abruptly, without any real sense of "payoff." Unlike the others, I'm not here to complain about the "lack of preening." I imagine what most of them wanted to read was some overly detailed scene of Rainbow Dash moving feathers back into place, Twilight slowly building in arousal from someone playing with her dick wing, and then probably moving on to more traditional coitus.

In other words, a clopfic even if it remains [T]-rated due to lack of actual sex content.

What I felt unsatisfied by was that you set up what is a nice moment of the two growing closer as a couple. I would have liked to see more of that. How the two open up a bit towards each other because of this. Having an embarrassing thing like "I don't know how to perform proper hygiene on my wings" discovered, and seeing a more tender, motherly side of Dash instead of her usual bravado and cool, is a great start.

Keep going with that momentum you've built, and show some more. Not specifically a continuation or escalation of their preening, but have them talk it over. Let us see Twilight's gratefulness. Maybe talk about this side of Rainbow Dash, without teasing her or provoking her into defensive "No, actually I'm cool" barrier.

You gave a hint of conflict for both characters. Mostly Twilight's conflict. It was resolved via offer of help from Rainbow. You could have built up to this conflict a bit more. Maybe give us a bit of the scene beforehand, where Twi is worried about making it to this dinner on time, because tardiness is the worst crime imaginable. Make it seem like Rainbow might cause them to be late, so when we get to this point where it is Twi making them late, it's a twist. That's one idea of many you could have gone with to make this story, your story, more of what it was trying to do. You could add more to the front end, the back end, or beef up the middle. Or any combination of the three.

So, overall, while it had a few good bits, this was a pretty terrible story. It was way too timid. Instead of giving us a story to dive into, it barely poked a toe into the pool.

---

 Seducing Your Princess, by Xenopony

Part two of the series, another response I guess.

In terms of story, this one was better. We got yet another embarrassing moment between lovers. They talk it over, and that conversation reveals to us more about the two and how they connect. Unlike the prequel, this one felt more satisfying. Such is the power of being about twice as long. That extra wordcount goes into more time giving us details, more time letting us hang out with the story and follow along with the goings on.

Much like the prequel, we have Rainbow Dash acting as the voice of reason to Twilight's anxiety. As the two stories are linked in continuity, I have to question why they're separate stories at all, honestly. Regardless of whether separate stories or sequel, they cover the same theme pretty closely, and feel like the same pair of characters. Only this time we get enough time with them for that to be apparent, unlike in Preening.

As with Preening though, this was a scene in a larger story. It was a better crafted scene, but still light on actual story. The "conflict" is quickly revealed and resolved, and we're out of the story due to brevity before it has time to really matter.

My reaction is mostly the same as before. Take what you're doing, and keep going. Do more of what it is you tried to do. This time it felt a little more confident, but still not really enough. You mention things like Rainbow Dash enjoying some eyecandy in the showers back with the team. You tell us how she resists that temptation, and remains loyal to Twilight. There is some conflict you could have put into this larger story. You could take this whole story, Preening, and Probably the sequal, Satisfying, and made them into chapters of a story. Then flesh that story out with stuff like a shower scene where Dash is tempted. Maybe even have her receive flirtations from Fleetfoot. Maybe she would enviously watch her and Blaze enjoying a shoulder massage in the locker room and wish Twi were there to give her one. Making Fleetfoot's flirty offer all the more tempting.

Then when we got to this scene (your current story), not only would we resolve Twilight's anxiety, we'd also get to see more resolve from Rainbow Dash, and why she stays loyal to Twilight. Thus, a more satisfying story.

Instead, you're giving us brief little snippets, then yanking us out of this "story" to interact with Fimfic's site mechanics to go on to the next "story." If they were just chapters in a more fleshed out single fic, we'd be just clicking "next chapter" to go to the next scene/chapter, and have a more enjoyable experience in total.

---

Satisfying Your Princess, by XenoPony

And now we arrive at part three.

Noticing a pattern. This story is about twice as long as the prequel. That said, this one wasn't strictly better for the extra wordcount. One glaring error that kept popping up was "repetition." You'd use a word like "surprise" in one paragraph, then use it immediately again in the next paragraph. While that in and of itself can be distracting, what is really going on is that you're wastefully padding the story. It isn't just that you use the same word, you're telling us, the audience, that Twilight is being surprised. Then you're telling us again in the next paragraph. The fact that you literally repeat the word draws attention to this problem.

There are lots of other places where you do this. Both a literal repeat of a keyword that draws attention to the problem, as well as feeding us the same information again. There are also several points where, even without the repeated keyword to draw attention to it, you still manage to re-feed the information twice.

Often, this comes with a POV shift. You'll tell us some piece of information from Twilight's perspective, then tell us the same thing again from Rainbow's. This is a big part of why POV shifts are bad writing. Rather than give is new information, you're just dragging things on telling us the same thing over and over again. Seeing it from another angle isn't as interesting as moving on to new information.

In addition to being repetitive, the story was also frequently very jerky. The other problem with random POV shifts is that they pull us out of immersion. Just as we start to get comfortable with Twilight's POV, her more or less telling us about how things are and how she feels about them, we switch to Rainbow Dash. Then back to Twilight. And so on. Midway through the story, we're left sort of wary because we need to spend so much of our mental processing effort keeping aware of who is "speaking" that we can't really just focus full-on into the events in front of us. You really shouldn't switch POV's like this within a scene, and should save that sort of thing for different scenes/chapters.

The other issue is that once again, this is a scene within a story. You spend a fair amount of time referencing another scene that happened before this one: the gala. In which Dash proposes to Twilight in front of everyone, and Twilight is dealing with the embarrassment of her scent causing reactions among the guests. As advised before, you could have just written this scene out. Let us read about that event as it is happening, instead of telling us about it. Then this scene becomes cleaner as we focus more on what is happening now, instead of bringing the reader up to speed.

You had a lot of interesting details. Twilight's plans to propose to Rainbow, and carrying around a magically hidden necklace using her mother's ring as a pendant is neat. I would have loved to read the bigger story that suggests, in which we go into the Gala at the start, and Twi thinks about it (even though she can't feel it), and wondering if an opportunity will present itself at the party. We could then read about her estrus starting to kick in, and the moment she realizes that it is happening, and how that won't let her have an opportunity. Maybe even a glimpse of some of the stallions reacting to her and "dropping out of their sheaths" much to their own embarrassment and or prompting scoldings from their wives, and dirty looks Twilight's way.

Reading about Rainbow's proposal as it is happening, instead of getting the basic rundown afterwards from Twilight, would have been an interesting scene in and of itself. Full stop. By tacking this idea onto what is intended to just be a "mindless clopfic" you've killed off the existence of what could have been a good part of a nice story.

That all said, I do appreciate that while you did go with a rather tired trope of estrus, you managed to not fall into most of the pitfalls that make it tiresome. Twilight remained Twilight even as she was feeling the effects of it. She did not become a mindless fuckpuppet begging for cock. Even if she had the desire for that, and did some begging, she maintained dignity like a rational, thinking person would, and only allowed herself to indulge in her body's wants because it was Rainbow.

I also appreciate the depiction that she didn't turn into an automated orgasm machine due to her estrus. There is a big difference between sensitivity and arousal. She is over-sensitive and needy, and that actually makes it more difficult to orgasm compared to normal. Things work differently. The usual "hot spots" and "techniques" don't produce the same results. A good part of the story is that it conveyed that underneath the attempts to be porny.

So, once again, you managed to convey reasonably good characters. They remain consistent with the prior two stories, and their relationship feels like it is the same one. You have also continued a theme where Twilight endures something embarrassing, and Rainbow Dash rescues her from it. This time there is a bit more embarrassment for Rainbow as well, even if her "I can't lose" felt a little forced-meme-ey.

The sense of continuity and the "missing scenes" that should exist as presented in these three stories all suggest one larger story that, due to its absence, makes all three worse. They really should be all one story. There should be more scenes/chapters telling this ongoing tale. You could, for example, organize the chapters into "eras" of the relationship, such as the first chapter being in and around the 6-month mark, the second being around the 1.5-year mark, and another chapter for the 2-2.5-year mark. Within each chapter, you'd have not only the three current stories-as-scenes, you'd write in the additional, missing scenes that help flesh out that "era."

Doing all of this would make for a much more satisfying story. Instead of getting these orphaned bits and pieces.

The Donutier, by Hap

I for one applaud the existence of this story. It serves as a good litmus test. If I see someone has enjoyed this story, I know that the idea of a well-written story is so foreign to them that I need not consider their opinion in anything.

You want condescension? There you go. Go ahead, accuse me of more as you read on.

I often hear bandied about this site that you can dislike something, and express your opinion. Unless what you dislike about a story is the content of the story. As in, if the story is about glorifying rape or child molestation, and those things are not your bag, you shouldn't downvote the story. You should leave no feedback at all. Conversely, if you read a story and it is well-written, you should upvote it, even if the content is awful. However, when the reverse happens: you like the "content" of a story, you can upvote it even if it is written like terrible shit. If the story is badly written, you're supposed to not dwell on that too much, and just enjoy the lame puns, man.

Part of that premise is an honest use of the tagging system, as well as the long description. Everyone who likes this story does so, from a skim/sampling of the contents, for comedic reasons. An absurd premise that produces a comical situation. A Sitcom. No comedy tag sits on this story, but as others have pointed out, it would be a pretty lame comedy even then. I'd say the missing tag is not [comedy] but instead [random]. That people find this amusing is frankly baffling. I'd say in order to find it funny, you'd have to have not actually read it. If you come in expecting it to make sense after thinking it over, in either a story or a joke sense, you're going to be disappointed. This thing provides entertainment only in the way Chef Brian does.

Look familiar? Another piece of popular/funny from an untalented hack.

Slice of Life can mean several things. This story tries to be a piece that focuses on a character (or a pair of them if you want to take that angle). But it does a terrible job of following an unlikable character without ever trying to make her interesting. She's a symptom of the absurd premise, not herself interesting. It goes on through a full 10k short story/novella wordcount with 8+ chapters, and you're expected to not only just roll with who Sprinkle and Copper are, but not look too closely at how they jarringly and inconsistently shift around into entirely different people. We can try to make sense of their relationship, but even that doesn't hold to a consistent or follow-ably dynamic progression. At best, we can try to wrap our heads around them by defaulting to archetypes, and inserting dynamics from other works that pop up between characters under those dynamics. But that is the job of this story to do. And it doesn't.

So, if we are presented with a rebuttal of, "don't like the story, don't read it" and some rapey gore-porn story has the [dark] tag, we can filter our searches to not find the story. Or at least read the long description that tells us squicky things lie within. What are we supposed to filter out to avoid this one? If we like [SoL] we find this story and it is shit. If we dislike [comedy] we can't filter it away to avoid this absurdist pile. However this winds up being tagged in an ideal future where more correct tagging is applied, whatever that winds up looking like, how do we filter out for "incompetent writing that is over-popular due to hypocritical reception from the knuckle-dragging masses?"

And, while we're here, how about that nepotism over at EqD, guys? You think it's at all an honor to get published there? Well, this fic did. It certainly didn't do so on merit. It clearly violates basically all standards that site is supposed to uphold. Wonder why. If you need stronger evidence than this, I don't know what to tell you. Buy some kneedpads and practice on some bananas for awhile though, and maybe you too can have that honor spread all over your back. Or face. Whichever you prefer. Not judging.

So, here you go, author. Another review you're going to basically ignore. One that undoubtedly will draw some kind of comment from a sycophant or two. You wrote some shit, and you got plenty of praise for it. What do you care, right? This review is less in-depth about all the specifics. Others have gone through with a comb on exactly what things in the story tried (and failed) to be jokes in a story not even, by tags, trying to be entertaining on the backs of its jokes. The specific flaws of character presentation. Of the many plot and conflict issues. How it fails in not just the genre(s) it is tagged for or we can presume it should be tagged for, but for basically any genre at all.

This review is more about the reception that this story got, and how undeserved it is. It relies on factors other than the story. Hell, the first comment to this story is blatantly breaking the community's standard:

This gets a thumbs up just for the hilarious premise alone

A comment which itself got 34 upvotes. This is more than some people get for their stories.

So, how does that make you feel, Hap? That you wrote this pile of garbage, and are getting all this undeserved praise for it? Have you convinced yourself that this thing is good? Do you honestly think it deserves this response? Or is this really a meta commentary on how dim the community is? I can't help but draw parallels between the community liking this story so much and the community you present surrounding Twilight Sprinkle. We have to accept them all to be pretty fucking stupid for the premise to work the way you've presented. I guess we see evidence in the reception to this story that that isn't so unreasonable a thing to depict. Does that turn this story around into actually being good?

Nah. It's still bad. But doughnuts are funny. Just ask Homer Simpson.

The only honest response to this story. Not thinking about it, just drooling about doughnuts.

P.S.
If you dislike the tone of my review, pretend I'm a lavender unicorn named Twisight Snarkle. You liked this kind of personality from Twilight Sprinkle.

Author response.
Not directed at me, as the author seems to have preferred to delete a bunch of comments. This one seems to be the most about my review out of his responses to deletion graveyard though.

JawJoe

1) A comment accusing me of giving sexual favors in exchange for Equestria Daily features is crossing a line.

2) This is a place for discussing the story, not what you think is wrong with the brony fandom, or your pet conspiracy theory about why your stories aren’t as popular as mine. If you want to discuss the story’s strengths and weaknesses - or, hell, just the weaknesses so you can pick them apart and dissect them at excruciating length, then go ahead.

3) As the author of the story, I have the right to delete any comment, for any reason. These reasons include, but are not limited to: the comment was posted on Friday the 13th, my cat told me to murder people and to delete your comment - both for the glory of Cthulhu, your comment was mean and I think you are a big stinky doo-doo head. But considering the comments I did not delete, I think it’s clear that I don’t go around deleting comments willy-nilly just because someone didn’t like the story.

1) Author needs to learn to read. I said he got in on nepotism. The comments of "sexual favors" were a modified reference to Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, when Alucard is insulting the Cardinal.
2) I did discuss and criticize the story. It's reception and marketing are valid points to criticize, as well as the content and execution.
3) You can censor others because the site lets you. Doesn't mean you should, or that you're a good or reasonable person for doing so. Luckily I make backups.

Thanks for proving the point though. You ignore people who don't fellate your ego, even if you're offended that there might be literal fellatio implied. You're just like the noob authors who delete comments of those who disagree with you, and it seems you have indeed "justified" your reception, just as I suspected. This was one of the options I offered, and you took it. You took it further than even I expected though. I kind of thought you would simply ignore me like you have every other piece of valid criticism.

But hey, you're not reading this. You went the route of censorship. So, you no longer get even that level of respect.

Radiance, by Carapace

I make it a habit of reading whatever Carapace writes. Usually within a few days of his publishing it, assuming I didn't have a hand it the creation of said story. While I didn't work with him on this one (hence my feeling permitted to review it), I have worked with him enough to know him a little better than the average reader. For me, this is a unique bias to address when thinking of how to review the story.

I'm also a fan of Rarity, and shipping her with Celestia. I have my own ideas on how such a thing would work out, of course, but it isn't too hard for me to set aside my shipping preferences to see how others do it.

As usual, spoilers below.

---

If you're a newcomer to the Carapace experience, you'll notice that several of his strengths are on display in this fic. He has a grasp of character and dialogue, paired with inner monologue, that paint a vivid picture of whoever the focus character is. His version of Celestia here builds well on what little we have about her to go off of from canon. He makes her a lot more human than I feel most authors on the site go for, and that is pleasant and refreshing.

Aside from Celestia, you get a sense of her relationship to ponies like Fancy Pants through a natural and efficient set of details. How she refers to him as a colt instead of a stallion. Other details like her non-verbal code to Luna and then to Fancy are nice little touches that speak volumes to the long-term interactions they've shared. Celestia feels like a natural, organic part of this setting, rather than some cold, distant queen on her throne.

Another of Carapace's strengths is a vivid sense of the world he builds. Celestia is older than Canterlot by centuries, and took part in the founding of the city, how it was designed and laid out, and her whim decided which businesses were granted land to begin with. That process changed partway through the history of Canterlot, and with it a change in the relationship she's had with those newer businesses. In the older places, she has a permanent table with her name on it. Buildings from that era were built with the idea that a room just for her to dine in would be included in the floorplan, and we see that when the scene shifts to one of those restaurants.

It speaks of a Canterlot that has grown up around Celestia, and details like that fit compared to the more "professional" and "modern" sorts of places that are built up in a manner more familiar to us in the US.

And Celestia makes use of that privilege without hesitation. She not only has no second thoughts about it, she practically brags about it to Rarity while seducing her. In hindsight, if you envisioned some of this setup from your own point of view instead of hers, this might feel like the sort of thing you might object to some government official doing at the taxpayer's expense. Yet, in the moment, it feels natural and right to do, because in Celestia's view, it is, and always has been.

Moving on to the technical side of things.

As usual, Carapace is a good writer. He's well-familiar with the proofreading/editing process, and if there are any typos at the time of my reading it, I didn't notice them. If anyone does, he's very prompt about fixing them anyway.

Above and beyond that, as described above, his style can be described as "vivid." He doesn't just make few to no technical errors, his writing style conveys his story and paints pictures. It flows naturally and I often find myself forgetting about the words in front of me as my imagination does more of the heavy lifting for the story than most authors are capable of getting out of me.

If all of this sounds like a lot of glowing praise and you like what you're hearing, if you're excited to get into the Carapace experience I've described, then you're better off reading one of his many other stories. Because I didn't really like this one.

Now that you're likely pretty confused, let me explain.

Celestia features prominently in several of his works. While this may be the best depiction of her from him (indeed, from most anyone), I've already spent enough time praising that aspect of this story.

If you're keen on world-building, "restaurant scene" also features in many of his stories. In particular, his romance between Twilight and Rarity came to mind as I was reading this one. Celestia ordering for Rarity was incredibly similar to Twilight doing the same in the other story. Apparently in Carapace's world, Rarity has a thing for slightly rude date behavior as long as the locale is gem-encrusted and lavish. That or perhaps Twilight learned it from the master, Celestia, who did it a bit more elegantly here than Twilight did it there.

At least both Celestia and Twilight are not as boorish as Blueblood. Poor Rarity though, not much luck with royals.

Moving on from the bad to worse.

This particular story is a well-written bad story. It doesn't really do anything but carry you along for a brief, but ultimately pointless, imagination tour. We settle in comfortably, get to enjoy seeing a side of Celestia and her Canterlot that we don't often get to see. We get to see her indulging in a romantic/carnal urge, while remaining elegant and stately. And then it is over. It's kind of like stepping into a massage parlor, noticing the masseuse is really cute, and then she starts to fondle you a bit intimately. But then the half hour is over, and no happy ending. You don't even really have time to ask yourself if you were really wanting a happy ending or not.

And then on to the ugly.

So, as per the description, this is supposed to be an entry into the "Rarity Not Garbage contest with the Barcast." Rarity is barely even a character in this story. You could hold up a picture of Rarity, and such a thing is nice to look at. Celestia agrees.

When I tend to think of exploring a character, a good depiction of the process is to ask a question about how a character would act in a given situation. I suppose Carapace asked, "what would Rarity do if Celestia asked her out?" and his answer is, "become fairly generic blushing schoolgirl, go along with everything the older and wiser Celestia suggests, and generally attempt to be as unobtrusive to the story as possible."

So, by the end of the story, Celestia has escaped a boring social function, dragged a Rarity dakimakura along with her to a restaurant, then a stroll through the private royal gardens. Then taken that body pillow to her bedchambers in order to finally sate that lust she's been building up this entire time. I wonder if Rarity would be flattered or not.

We're left at the end wondering, "OK, so then what?" Is there gossip afterwards about Celestia and Rarity? Are Fancy Pants and Fluer upset that she bailed on their party, and the damage that likely did to his reputation within high society? Was Celestia right that he wouldn't mind and simply invite her over to a private dinner later? Is Luna going to expect any kind of favor in return for enduring the party while Celestia went off to play?

We had a few hints of possible conflict, but none of those are part of this story. The only conflict actually addressed in this story is, "Celestia is bored, so she goes and does something(someone) else."

The main, most jarring lack of conflict though is, "OK so, Celestia and Rarity are banging now. Go on. You had me interested, and if you keep going and make any of this matter, you'll have a pretty good story. So what kind of trials and tribulations do the two face? How much of the lead up was foreshadowing?"

No?

Since this is left as basically porn without plot, are we gonna get to actually watch the two rubbing marshmallows?

Nah. No story and imagine your own marshmallowbation, you perv.

Honestly, we should take a cue from Celestia. Go read something else. Preferably something else by Carapace.

Author response.

Cryosite as said during our chat, plenty of valid critique here and a lot of things I can do better. Thank you for reading and presenting such a well thought out review on the things done well as well as all those that were sub par. I will keep all of that in mind in the future.

Stars and Diamonds, by PonyThunder

I want to like this story. I really do. It is an excellent idea, but an idea isn't a story and this collection of 3,500 words is a prime example of what that means.

Spoilers below.

So, there are several things presented in this story that are a good start. Starlight has a clear and relate-able goal and motivation. Three of her friends among the M6 have little sisters (while the other three have older siblings, a point the story ignores but is not a flaw for doing so I feel). One of those older sister (Maud) is in fact her friend too. So, Pinkie being Maud's little sister would fit this theme of "my friends have little sisters." That one does feel like a flaw.

Starlight isn't sure what to do about this urge she has, so she turned to Apple Bloom. At first this feels somewhat dirty. But then the story reminds you that Apple Bloom's job is to help other ponies (including adults) with cutie mark issues. While this has nothing to do with that directly, she is reasonably well-connected and a solid person to contact for help. So, overall I'll call this one a good thing too. That said, Sweetie Belle or Scootaloo could also have been approached using the same logic, and Scootaloo being an adoptive little sister might have more direct insight into what Starlight is after than Apple Bloom. So... minor complaint at best.

They come up with Diamond Tiara as a candidate. The point of the story. Fully on board with this, though more on this later.

They go up to her house and knock on the door. Straight and to the point. No issue with that.

Spoiled Rich answers and is delightfully bitchy. While there are a few bits of her contribution to the story that don't sit well with me, overall I'd say she's fine as a choice for the story and serves her small role overall well. Could just use a little polish. Again, more on that later.

Diamond and Starlight talk. It is a somewhat awkward conversation. That's fitting. They come to an understanding of each other by examining a few of their flaws and struggles to move on in this whole "being a better pony" path. Which forms the core of what the story is about, and again I am on board with this.

I didn't really notice any glaring technical issues with the grammar. Pacing was blazingly fast though, and just slowing the hell down and letting us soak in the story for awhile would have done this piece wonders. A lot of other commentators are saying they want to see more, and I agree. Not so much in the form of additional chapters or a sequel, just finish writing what you started here. Every single point I mentioned above should have been three to twenty times longer. Every single good point this story has, we should have been given a lot more options, discussion, contemplation, or confrontation of some kind. We got a bare-bones depiction of all of those ideas then we were rushed on to the next part.

That said, continuing on and going somewhere with this idea would also be welcome. There are tons of episodes involving the sister pairs that you could use for inspiration to come up with your own trials and tribulations as they figure each other out, grow to trust each other, and bond.

So at several points I said I'd get into more detail on some things. This was a great idea done abysmally badly.

I already hinted on the whole sisterly dynamic. Instead of just telling us that it exists, you could have had something Starlight witnessed that brought this to her attention. Maybe watching Applejack and Apple Bloom work together. Sweetie Belle and Rarity doing something. Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo working on her scooter or strength training her wings or something. Maud and Pinkie getting along without inflicting Pinkie on them.

The first really glaringly bad part of the story though is in the fact that Apple Bloom comes up with Diamond Tiara first. The story tries this option out, and boom. Success. You could have tried out some other options and padded this part of the story out easily. You depict Apple Bloom as being somewhat uneasy towards Diamond Tiara, so it seems fitting she might be hesitant to suggest her.

Think back to May the Best Pet Win. One of the reasons that episode is interesting is because we see Rainbow Dash trying different pets, but she winds up picking Tank because he earns it in a way Rainbow Dash doesn't expect. If you came up with some reason why Starlight and Apple Bloom don't immediately choose Diamond Tiara, but let her become the "unexpected choice" that would make this whole story way more interesting.

Further along these lines, having Starlight talk to the other two CMC, get their suggestions, and let the trio work as a group to help Starlight out and you'd immediately get more material as well.

Spoiled Rich is equal parts well-used and terribly used, all wrapped up in a short bit of the story. On the one hand, she serves to illustrate at least a small part of what life is like for Diamond after Crusaders of the Lost Mark. You do a reasonably good job of making her rather unlikable, and for Diamond to not be all that keen on her and her ideas either. That's fine. But I struggle to imagine several things. One, why did she answer the door at all when they have a butler? Two, why was she fine with her daughter going off with some adult mare she doesn't know?

It's like you had the start of a good piece of characterization for her and Diamond's home life, but then you just kind of dropped it. You could have done so much more with that if you hadn't been in such a rush to just get the idea out and run off to the next part.

As for the last bit, it was mostly fine and the result of the terrible "story" leading up to it. Getting the two to talk, open up, and help each other out via the conversation is good. It just should have had a better leadup getting us to this point. As it stands, we never get much insight into why Starlight feels willing to open up beyond the fact that the author is making her do so. She's also opening up about things that she more or less opened up on with Trixie already, so it loses a bit of impact for her side of things. Diamond's side of things are reasonably good character bits, but having her open up to this strange adult mare still feels forced. What has Starlight actually done to earn her respect and trust? Reveal that she used to be a really bad person?

Simply slowing down the pacing by adding more discussion at several points would do wonders for this story, but it feels like so many of its good ideas are plagued with terrible execution, that I can't help but think this would need a complete rewrite to really present the good idea well. I think there are several canon episodes you could mine for ideas and character bits to really work this rewritten story out well, such as the aforementioned May the Best Pet Win. I'd also suggest various other episodes like Sisterhooves Social, Brotherhooves Social, Sleepless in Ponyville, and Campfire Tales. If you want ideas for how to present Starlight as someone Diamond could trust, the fact that she is a national hero and probably saved Diamond Tiara personally from changelings (whilst saving everyone) might be worth bringing up.

The really awkward part is that the idea is really good. I hope someone takes their own attempt at writing the idea out and doing a better job at telling a good story around it. If not you, then someone else. Obviously though if someone does do that, I'm sure there would be complaints about "idea stealing" or some such. So we're left in this state we're in.

Author response.

A fair review and done well enough to not feel like harassment, which I've had in the past from people that decide to treat my stories as if I was paid to write them or something (people can be amazingly rude). If someone is going to review my work like a critic without asking, they should be able to do so without making it feel like a roast (which you've done a good job of avoiding). I mostly just write for myself, honestly. But if there's anything that's the bane of my existence with writing, it's pacing. Personally speaking, I have some heavy issues with focus in my life in general, so that kind of lifestyle bleeds into my writing and it definitely shows. I've come a long ways though, and it's disheartening (but good) that it's still being pointed out as a criticism, so I can continue to get better at it (and I have, believe me)

I probably won't be returning to rewrite this story, but I do appreciate your suggestions and criticisms sprinkled with genuine praise. I don't care if anybody takes my ideas and rewrites them. This was probably one of my more original ideas as far as what's on the site at the moment though, but I'm not attached to anything so much that I'd be offended if someone else wrote it, better or worse.

Recovering three out of four reviews written for the 4th TwiDash Contest
Remembrance Day, by Grand Moff Pony

Review (1st Place)

So the point of the contest is to invent a holiday, and and work it into some sort of TwiDash story. For this story, the holiday that was invented is was "Remembrance Day" as indicated by the title. It is a holiday Twilight invented, due to her grief over losing Rainbow Dash. Rather than let go and move on, she invented a spell/artifact using crystals to project a memory from the user like a sort of holodeck from Star Trek, The Next Generation, etc. Each year, these crystals are passed out to the populace so they may relive (happy) memories.

While the name and some of the feel of the holiday invoke in me the concept behind Memorial Day, this is really an original idea through and through. It has a certain sense of high-fantasy to it, that the princess of Magic/Friendship would make magic crystals for everypony to use once a year to relive memories through. That she is there to take part in the holiday carries with it a sort of feeling similar to the Summer Sun Celebration Celestia participates in, and Nightmare Night that Luna participates in. Overall it feels very believable.

While presented somewhat simply in the story, the holiday is fairly creative. Not only does it involve these crystals, there is a lot of ceremony built up for the holiday over the ten years it has been going on as of the start of the story. Having one lucky Ponyvillian get to be the first to pick a crystal for the day, getting to talk to Princess Twilight a little and tell what they intend to relive for the holiday are engaging bits of tradition that really serve to make it feel very real.

On to the story itself.

We get to enjoy Twilight's POV the entire story from start to finish. Not only was I immersed very quickly into the story, I felt myself pulled through and kept in the world presented to me all the way to the end. While I was building up some sense of prediction about what would happen, the story managed to keep me interested the whole way through, and even when I got to the end, the parts I was expecting were given to me dexterously, while the exact nature of the end managed to still be on the surprising side of things. Overall, a well-executed story.

The conflict was hinted at very early on, that Twilight was putting on a brave face for the public, while holding back sorrow. The cracks in her facade widened now and then in a well paced manner, reminding us now and then that not everything was fine, without hammering us over the head about it. While it was interesting to read about the events of the day, learn more about the holiday, the crystals, and their origin... the dread of the not so great things of that origin lurked, ready to be presented at some point, and grew.

It didn't come as a surprise that Rainbow Dash was dead. It wasn't the intent of the story to make that a secret. It didn't come as a surprise that Twilight loved her, not just due to the nature of the contest, but because it was sold and foreshadowed so well along the way. It wasn't a surprise that Twilight was going to break down finally, cry, and be miserable in the end. What was surprising was getting to, fly on the wall style, watch her bravely keep going anyway, and relive her first night of intimacy with her wife, Rainbow Dash, despite the misery of the vivid reliving, and the effects it has had on her every time for 9 years preceding this year. Surprising, and compelling.

While at no point does the story feel rushed or like "filler," the final scene, while painful, is totally worth getting to and reading. Despite the intimate nature of the memory Twilight is relieving, the style it is presented in is respectful of the love and sadness in the scene, and it is not cheap or explicit.

Festival of the First Flight, by Kodeake

Review (2nd Place)

So the point of the contest is to invent a holiday, and and work it into some sort of TwiDash story. For this story, the holiday that was invented is a celebration of the actual creation of the pegasus tribe as winged ponies. While all three tribes have variations on this supposed event, it apparently is agreed by all to have been made up, and whatever actual origins pegasi have remain a mystery. But, the myth that is being celebrated paints the unicorns as villains, which seems like a rather messed up choice of holiday for Rainbow Dash to try to ask Twilight, who is originally and culturally a unicorn, out on.

My objections to it's suitability as a vehicle to ask a unicorn-turned-alicorn out on aside, the holiday itself is at least rather original. Whatever their actual origins, I could see pegasi especially celebrating them, since tribe-pride seems to be a recurring theme in the show from Rainbow's depiction of Commander Hurricane in the Hearth's Warming pageant, to Rainbow's often self-presentation as "the best pegasus" in various forms in various episodes, and even Scootaloo's concern about representing pegasi properly in Flight to the Finish. So it is very believable.

The holiday also plays a rather central role to the storyline. In addition to being a backdrop or setting through which the pair fly about and enjoy somewhat generic carnival-atmosphere while talking and hanging out together, it serves as ready fodder for Rainbow Dash to involve Twilight in a lot of little activities, such as a race, dancing, meal together, and gift-giving opportunity. So while the tone feels a little generic, there is some subtle creativity to it that shines in the little details like cloud candy-coated berries, and the inclusion of lots of flight-based events to sign up for like racing and obstacle courses. Change a few details and it would feel like any old carnival here on Earth, but those details end up being things you can't simply throw away.

On to the story itself in a more generic sense.

Kodeake provided some insight into his plans in an author's note, where he had to cut out a lot of things, and change some stuff to make the deadline. Despite what he apparently had to cut, the story didn't really feel rushed. The progression of events had a good feel of spending the day together, and would have been a rather enjoyable date as-is. There was some believable conflict arising from Dash's behavior and ulterior motives with the date. "Rainbow Dash rushes headlong through a bad idea" is comfortable ground for depicting Rainbow Dash, and manages to not feel worn-out in this story.

Twilight Sparkle feels weird in this story, however. When Dash is trying to explain the origin-myth to her, she keeps interrupting. I found myself growing annoyed with her, but more with the story/author for annoying me than any sense of being able to immerse into the story. Then, later one while Rainbow Dash is dragging her around from place to place without any explanations, she seemed to turn very passive. I would try to chalk this up as being an effect of the story being told primarily from Rainbow's perspective, but we're given a lot of POV-shifts into her perspective without really having a lot of chance to settle into it, nor have much story-reason for doing so. Again, like the author is interrupting our immersion to make Twilight feel more annoying.

In the end, what was intended to be a surprise ends up being twisted in that Twilight did research the holiday beforehand, despite being asked not to by Dash. At several points along the way in the story it seems, in hindsight with that reveal, that Twilight was behaving certain ways that might count as foreshadowing. Unfortunately, those things like her remembering the name of the necklace easily, don't feel like very good foreshadowing even if that is what they were intended to be. There are also several points where we're in Twilight's perspective and we'd be clued in that she knows what is going on, but we're not. The way she behaves, in particular about Rainbow not explaining the purpose of the necklace’s commission, comes across as very awkward feeling.

Probably one of the only times in the story where it feels interesting to be in Twilight's perspective is when she is racing. While interesting, it isn't a compelling enough part to warrant the POV switch, because at that point we're more focused on the interaction between Dash and her discussion with her old coach. The portion where we're in Twi's head while she is dancing is almost interesting, except the entire scene could be told from Dash's perspective without really losing anything at all.

Overall, it would be a much stronger story if kept to Rainbow's perspective through the whole. It would strengthen the reveal's impact, while giving us Twilight's parts through Rainbow's lens could give us more believable limited information leading up to it.

"Rainbow Dash gives Twilight Sparkle one of her feathers as a romantic gesture" is another well-worn bit of story-detail. While it is one that I tend to like, it stands out in this story in a couple of significant ways. Having the feather be processed with magic is by no means new, but consuming it in the process of making a beaded necklace is a new twist on the old idea. Using pegasus magic instead of unicorn or alicorn magic to accomplish the processing is another neat detail, and lastly the naming of the necklace by tying it to Romanian language is also new. So there was some clear effort made to take a not very original idea and put as much originality and life into it as possible. On the down-side though, it is never really explained why this custom is part of this holiday. It stands as something that you could imagine being part of pegasus tradition, sure, but nothing from the origin myth nor the overall description of the holiday makes this custom seem to fit. It fits like something that would be in general pegasus culture, rather than anything special to this holiday. While original-feeling, the Romanian name is a bit jarring, and feels alien to the Equestrian "look and feel" of the show, especially with the somewhat "Greek" tone the show puts on pegasus architecture and history. It makes it feel more original, but more in the sense that no one had done it before because it doens't really feel right. If a lot more had been done to really paint pegasus culture as an analogue to Earth's Romanian culture, it would feel more natural.

The ending/resolution to the conflict feels rather tacked-on. Despite spending time in Twi's POV, her side of the conflict as it progresses is compressed to some dialogue after the reveal. We're told there was some conflict from her side of things, but once we're caught up to it it's already over with and she's made her decision. None of Rainbow's side of the conflict really matters all that much, and none of Twilight's leadup, confusion, or eventual reason for making her decision is presented, and it all just sort of works because the puppet-strings say so.

In terms of overall enjoyability, there were quite a few jarring parts that made it hard to really stay immersed in the story. There were a lot of interesting details that made it at least worth going through to the end, but all in all it simply wasn't very satisfying a read. There was a generally good framework. There were several interesting details tossed on the frame to dress it up. Some parts were fluffy. But it had some pretty serious flaws through and through. I could see it being salvaged with some work though.

Do Nothing Day, by SSJGokillo

Review (3rd Place)

So the point of the contest is to invent a holiday, and and work it into some sort of TwiDash story. For this story, the holiday that was invented is "Do Nothing Day," which finds its origins from Twilight Sparkle working herself to death bucking applesstudying. Princess Celestia uses her apparent authority as head-princess to order her to take a day off, with Rainbow Dash as her overseer. Since taking one day off a year is pretty relaxing, the custom sticks each year for the couple, and spreads slowly over the years to their friends.

I'm...honestly not sure how to assess the originality of this holiday. It is fairly blatantly a rip from the plot of Applebuck Season, and even makes use of the friendship letter of that episode as a means by which Rainbow Dash convinces Twilight to take a break. It's also somewhat reminiscent of the thinking behind the Sabbath, Ramadan, and so on. That all said, it certainly does feel unique, somehow.

In terms of creativity, it's a pretty straight-forward and simple holiday. Take the day off, and don't work. You're also apparently supposed to drink rainbow-water(Spicy!) tea, which takes some special preparation to make correctly, but tastes really good. (Sort of like zap apple jam?).

As for believability, it is very believable that ponies would have a holiday for simply relaxing. Indeed, that is sort of the underlying point of all holidays, and "the weekend." It seems unbelievable, however, that a holiday would exist because ponies in general work too hard, or that it would be created simply because Twilight Sparkle works too hard. It isn't believable that anypony, including Twilight Sparkle or Applejack, would spend the entire year working and only take the one day off out of the year.

On to the story.

We're introduced to the story by what quickly becomes apparent is a future CMC-analogue. I've already forgotten their names and descriptions by the time I finished reading the story and written these few paragraphs of review, and they're really not that important to the story. Their decision to go meet up with "Granny Bloom" (the great great aunt of future-Apple Bloom) further cements the future-setting of the story. A wizened old Apple Bloom obliges and tells the little fillies about the origin of this holiday, which ends up being a rather detailed and personal dialogue and interaction between Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash, including a fair amount of Twilight's private thoughts, none of which Apple Bloom was witness to to be telling these little fillies.

The story starts with a descendant of the Apple Family we know, at Sweet Apple Acres, with a family tradition that is confusing to her two friends. We get the explanation for the tradition from Apple Bloom... which is all a very weird design choice to tell a TwiDash story through.

Buy some apples?

At the point where we escape Apple-land to get to the story itself, it too is in the future beyond what we know from S4 of canon, in that Rainbow Dash is in the Wonderbolts Reserves, and Twilight has settled further into her job as a princess in a much expanded and growing Ponyville-city. The two are already a couple, despite the time their jobs take out of them, and the distance they have to deal with. While this sounds like the setup for potentially a rather engaging story, nothing is really done with it, and the choice to set the story in this point in time is entirely done to make Twilight "super busy" so we have a reason to stage an intervention and spawn a holiday.

Setting aside the ridiculousness of the setup, and the weirdness of the Apple-based introduction/supposed telling, the actual interaction back and forth between Twilight and Rainbow Dash is decently good. While the degree of exaggeration of Twilight is too high to really be believable, the general feel of her being focused on something and forgoing her health is at least in the ballpark of stuff Twilight might do. Rainbow Dash taking special leave to come help her friend/girlfriend out is believable. The method she convinces Twilight (using one of her old friend reports) is solid and cute, and Twilight falling asleep in Rainbow's arms is pretty adorable, if not particularly lengthy or detailed in execution.

Grumpy Twilight putting up with being ordered to relax, and sniping about the details of it all work to be pretty solid characterization for her, and Rainbow Dash's decision to take them to some secluded and pre-setup clouds to hang out, relax, and cuddle on all fit pretty well. The detail of the rainbow-water tea is sort of just thrown in there, but at this point I'm not really too worried about things making a lot of sense or having much meaning.

We snap back to the... more future-present, and the fillies predictably find the story too mushy, and decide to scamper off and crusade or something.

Overall, the only thing this story had going for it was some solid characterization. The setup, the plot, and most of the setting was either bad or mediocre. There wasn't really any conflict to the story, and the holiday itself is incredibly weak. This was honestly a waste of time to read.

Author response

I couldn't find a cool enough knockout gif to put here, but you should know that I did look for one!
Thank you for the critique Cryosite. I'm upset that the story didn't meet your standards, but I will try to take everything you said to heart as I continue to write. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go eat a couple gallons of ice cream. Which I do have a gif for!

https://camo.derpicdn.net/6ef12afcfd004947d7a11e55f5105462e18d5bc8?url=http%3A%2F%2Ffc04.deviantart.net%2Ffs71%2Ff%2F2014%2F117%2Ff%2F1%2Feating_ice_cream_never_looked_cuter_gif_by_dnftt2011-d7g76mt.gif

Fourth place deleted his review because he's an asshole.

There was also a "summary review" written in the contest results announcement thread, here.

4th TwiDash Contest Reviews (links to individual story reviews)

So this contest gave us four entries, Oh Captain, My Captain, by Akashic Brony; The Festival of First Flight, by Kodeake; Do Nothing Day, by ssjgokillo; and Remembrance Day, by Grand Moff Pony.

In terms of the holidays invented by these four authors and presented to us by their stories, Remembrance stood out to me as being the most original, highly creative, and very believable. Of the four, it fit the "look and feel" of Equestria the most, and struck me as simply the most interesting of the four. While all of them had good points and I'm overall pleased with the ideas presented, Grand Moff Pony's holiday stood out head and shoulders over the others.

Kodeake's Festival of the First Flight was probably the second best of the four. It was noticeably weaker, but had quite a few strengths in spite of its failings. It was fairly well meshed with the story as well, a major selling point.

The remaining two were riddled with problems, and honestly I'll err on the side of kindness and call the tied for third.

In addition to inventing a holiday from scratch, the point of the contest is of course to write a good story. Once again, Grand Moff Pony simply excels in this regard. Despite being a sad story which puts a lot of people off, Remembrance Day was simply a good story that was engaging to read, well-executed, and actually felt polished for a contest entry.

Again, Festival of the First Flight would be my second place. It had its strong and weak points, but overall was a fairly mediocre story. It had some decently strong writing to it, but too jarring, and too much POV-shifting. Some interesting details and bits of scene made for some enjoyable parts, but the whole simply failed to shine.

Do Nothing Day had some pretty serious problems with it, but showcased solid writing talent. I'm not really sure which direction would be better for the story to make it good, though. One direction would be to tone down the exaggeration, build it into a more serious story, and we might end up with a meaty and enjoyable TwiDash story as a result. The other direction would be to go much more light-hearted, comedy route. The jokes that were present fell pretty flat with me though.

Oh Captain, My Captain was really just a mess. It tried to put in a "choose your own path adventure" element in, but that simply was a poor choice, and terribly executed at that. The story tried to do far too many things already, and it felt like a disorganized mess, rushed, then thrown into an industrial fan and scattered all over the place. Of the four, I had the hardest time simply finishing the story, and even then skimmed over some parts.

One observation I noticed across the four stories, is the fewer characters each had, the better the story. Remembrance Day was told entirely from Twilight Sparkle's POV, featured some supporting parts from a scattering of OC's, with only one being prominent enough to have any real characterization to him, which was handled conservatively. Festival of the First Flight Swapped back and forth between Rainbow Dash and Twilight, would have improved greatly were it told entirely from Rainbow's POV, and also featured a small and conservative cast of supporting OC's with Rainbow's coach carrying part of the plot. Do Nothing Day Had Twilight and Rainbow Dash, Apple Bloom, and three OC fillies, as well as a cameo by Spike, and a letter from Celestia. Oh Captain had Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Luna, Lightning Dust, Spitfire, Soarin, Scootaloo, as well as appearances by various other ponies, griffons, and... you get the idea. Character overload is a real thing, and you can see how it harms stories.

Bun in the Oven, by The Blessed One

Finally got around to actually reading this. As I suspected, there were other issues beyond Cloud Kicker's name being misspelled. With how resistant you are to fixing that one, and the lame excuses you give for why you won't fix it, it feels really unappealing to bother helping you find other errors. I'll throw you one tidbit though. "pec" or "peck?" One is a slang/noun, the other is a verb. Figure the rest out yourself.

As for the story itself: even if it has a decent word count, and even if it has a fair amount of detail or description, the 2nd person perspective is mutually exclusive to a good story. Sure, you will get individual readers (like some who already commented) for whom you hit the nail on the head (or close enough) and they enjoy it. Other times, you will miss. 2nd person is inherently divisive. You're automatically cutting out about half your readers simply due to the choice of gender of your "insert" and having a story tell me that I'm an introvert simply makes me recoil and say, "what did you just call me, bitch?"

As such, the story prevented me from ever empathizing with the main character or immersing into the story. It was too busy trying to tell me who and what I am. Meanwhile, a reasonably minor shift to first person would have made this story immensely better. Every person who did connect to the main character still would, but you wouldn't be off-putting to the rest of us.

As for the content of the story: Despite what others said, Cloud Kicker in this wasn't so much a person as she was an object. She does a few things, but most of what we know of this "character" is "what" she is as perceived by your insert, rather than what feels like a real living person. It often feels like you're trying to mask that fact under some setting dressing, like someone who read up on what expecting mothers are like in order to distract us, the readers, from the really substance-less caricature underneath. At least Winningverse Cloud Kicker (whom this one is clearly based on) has, y'know, her own personality, goals, flaws, and a degree of agency.

I found the way this guy saw her as rather revolting most of the time, despite how much effort was spent explaining his internal justifications. As the guy with the "cuck" comment more coarsely implied, this went from "that living pony thing I coexist with and make breakfast for" to "oh, need to get my dick in that" simply because she lifted her tail (add a few more words and inconsequential steps). While you threw in a few token lines to suggest there is more to him and their relationship than that, you certainly failed to convince me.

By your author's note, you spent roughly 8k words "getting to the clop." Yet you failed to actually convey anything in those 8k words other than a fairly revolting insert to "relate" to. Taken as a whole, this is exactly as bad as every other "2nd person clopfic without plot" on the site. You may have vomited more words into the front end to disguise your clopfic as more, but you failed to put any real substance into it.

So how about the sex then?

Well, you spent roughly 8k words describing your insert/OC. One often repeated theme is that he's super perceptive and focuses on details. Especially focused on mechanical/physical details (indeed, I do wonder why he was so intimately familiar with how soft Cloud's body is before they started to fuck). Yet, the moment things turn sexual, his brain straight up turns off, and we're left with kind of a vague sense of what is happening. We get a few highlights that certain things happened, but for some reason he's rather bewildered.

So what happened to the details of how soft and twitchy and slippery Cloud's vagina is? I mean, he just sort of "grabbed" it with his magic, she came, and there was ejaculate. To be fair, he never really did look much there... for some reason. What about her teats/nipples? He had a good look at those and had them in his mouth and under his hooves. Not much commentary or observation. Just enough to let us know that was happening.

Much like how "Cloud Kicker" in this story feels like something someone read about in some maternity magazine, the sex comes across like something read about rather than experienced. Complete with porn-typical first time talent, stamina to go off twice himself, and so on. You forgot to include the gallons of semen though.

So, as with almost any porn story, you managed to impress a few boys using the site (hopefully they're actually old enough to be reading this kind of thing). But in trying to dress this up as more than the porn without plot it is, you did a lot very wrong. There needed to be a lot more actual story involved for most of what you seem to have intended to actually come across as part of this story rather than just "well, in my head this is why ..." that we did get. It is up to your story to reveal that intention, character, context, and so on. Not the comments section. Your story failed to do that, so reactions like, "should go to planned parenthood" are valid.

For some mindless wank material, you spent too much effort making it a story. For a story, you spent too much time making it mindless wank material. Instead of finding some synergy or combination between the two to make it work, you managed to fail at both pretty damn hard.

Oh, but by all means. Do keep that word count down by misspelling a character's name just because Knighty messed up. We wouldn't want to do at least one thing right, would we?

Author reeeeee-sponce

Well, dear me... Where to start with this lovely thing... decisions, decisions.

The beginning is always a great place. Out the gate with a bang about your infatuation with this name spelling, I find it hard to believe English is your first language, seeing as how you can't read. I already said I would change it when Knighty does, because he is FIM's leader... you are very much not, buddy.

Now for the subjective arguments you have with my fiction. You say that "2nd person perspective is mutually exclusive to a good story." Really now? Because when last I looked, there were quite a few that really liked that style. This paragraph of your "review" takes all credibility away from anything else you say, but since I am a very generous man, I'll continue reading. 

Let's keep up with the subjectivity: Character development. I think I'll take the words of MadMaxtheBlack, Duelist96, Alcatraz, LastAmoungEquals, Quick Fix, SunnyDontLook, Shachza, JohnDarkblaze15, and all the other authors who seem to believe I did a good job on character development... Honestly, you think your opinion trumps that of those I mentioned above? I'm not good enough to polish their bookshelves, let alone you. Your entire review has reeked of subjectivity, and your opinion isn't very high on the food-chain, little guy. This wasn't a review, it was you complaining about nothing, because you debased all your arguments when you attacked both a writing style, and all but said all those authors who are thousands of times better then you are wrong. You typed out a mile long comment to do nothing but "REEE!" and whine. Now, since I'm done talking to you as if you are a reviewer, because you aren't, let us have some fun, shall we?

Ad Hominem Time!

Since you thought your opinion meant more then the likes of those mentioned above, let's see how you and I stack up to each other, eh? You know, since you seem to think yourself better then everyone else... Your best story got 128 Likes, and it was barely 1,000 words long, yet you want to give me writing advice, and tell me what style is "good" with that? In the words of many before me: "Bitch please." I've been featured twice, both of which were written using "bad styles." You want to keep going? Good, because my best fic earned me the love and support of 863 people, while my second and third got 222 and 171. What did your Clopfics earn? 85 and 37, with the 37 getting a negative score...

I'll trust in my fans, who say I am a good writer, and want me to continue this very fic you attacked. You want to give advice? (Which you don't, again, you are whining and REEEing) How does the internet put it?
https://camo.derpicdn.net/52b27e9fca51639b8be2f82a4a3aeb558c0e73f7?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.imgflip.com%2Fgvf4x.jpg

Rainbows in the Night Sky, by Kamikakushi

At the end of the day, I had to give this one a downvote. I didn't enjoy this story for several reasons, despite having quite a few that could have outweighed the negatives and brought it to my favor. It felt like a chore instead of entertainment to get through, and I think I can explain why.

For those who haven't read it, spoilers below.

On the plus side, it's TwiDash. For some, being their favorite ship and/or being about their favorite ponies causes them to turn off their brains and thumbsup mindlessly. Not so in my case, as I tend to be more critical of these kinds of stories than ones about characters I am less interested in if I read those at all.

The characterization, for the most part, felt fairly good. Character voices seemed good throughout, and most of the decisions and opinions displayed felt right. A few items stand out that I'll go into more detail later on, but considering the year this was originally started as well as the progression of canon to that point, this generally feels like a good depiction of the characters and their dynamic as a couple. So, strictly as a "TwiDash story" it works out to a positive.

Another positive is that this is a story that contains graphic sex scenes. It isn't merely porn, nor does it shy away from the intimate moments. Unlike some attempts at this I've seen, it doesn't feel like the sex scenes detract from the story, nor does the story "get in the way" of the "good bits" as it where. While this might not work for most people as their go-to spank material due to the amount of story involved, I think it overall has a good balance of both.

This is also a "futa" story. I don't like futa, so it feels correct to list this off as one of my biases up front. Some people mindlessly like futa stories much like some people mindlessly upvote their OTPs. While the specific details of the futa elements in this story were interwoven with the plot rather than gratuitous, they still did reduce my enjoyment some. I probably could have set that aside and still enjoyed the story though, I feel, as I've managed to still enjoy stories like "Room For One More" by bats in spite of his rather gratuitous inclusion.

—

As for some of the positives. The story never felt rushed, and it was willing to take its time getting various conversations in front of us. I felt like I had plenty of time to get immersed in the characters and their situation at many points, which is something far too many stories fail at.

At its very core, this was a story about not just our characters, but how they fit into society as a whole. There was a promise to explore the nature of a taboo, and that played a large part of why I kept going to the end. It's all too easy for a porn to embrace some taboo material as a fetish, such as incest, rape, or pedophilia. Part of what makes those things so enticing in fantasies is the very fact that you're not supposed to do them, so it seemed like it would be interesting to see that aspect of the story played out. Where a porn would just give us one scene of Shining Armor raping his underage little sister and tell us readers "you're into it or your not," I had hopes that this story would explore the "that's wrong" side of things. To not let our protagonists just enjoy themselves with impunity, and thus serve as a great deal of conflict that felt satisfying to overcome.

Some scenes felt well executed; like the ones with Twilight helping Rainbow deal with her issues regarding her father, or Rainbow's proposal to Twilight, and even the birth of Morning Light, almost felt like a different story. They were reasonably entertaining bits to be immersed in and read through.

—

On to the technical stuff. This story is still riddled with typos, grammar errors, missing words, and some style issues like LUS. Perspective drifted a few times here and there. In other places, the conspicuous lack of errors stood out. Overall, it was very distracting and the story suffered a lot. While the length and pacing of the story gave me time to immerse, the errors disrupted that immersion very often.

Some parts of the story felt jarring on a scale higher than the typo. For example, when Twilight and Rainbow were explaining how she got pregnant, we got a detailed blow by blow account of their sex. While that's to the readers' benefit, I have to imagine most of their friends were pretty uncomfortable hearing that much detail.

Another pretty large technical issue is that the story never felt like it actually did anything with the stakes it gave to us. Rarity serves as our first bit of conflict. But then she's resolved. Amethyst Star rallies a mob, which just gets diffused. Twilight's parents object to the taboo, then they are mollified. There is worry that Celestia will be another hurdle, but she's not. Then Shining Armor has issues but then doesn't. Then, once you've probably forgotten that this is an issue at all, an OC tries to blackmail Twilight near the end, only for that to not matter in the slightest. I could almost imagine Twilight saying, "you're an OC and don't matter, go to your room."

It feels necessary to bring it up again, but if we replace "pregnant by way of a forbidden spell" with "had full on penetrative sex with a pre-adolescent child" and imagined how these various antagonists would feel about this taboo, and how easily they were convinced to either accept it or just grumble quietly somewhere else, that probably highlights how weak the opposition forces in this story feels. For all that we see a few ponies close to Twilight get angry and refuse to talk until they've calmed down a little bit, no one is motivated to do anything to oppose our protagonists.

None of the conflicts ever linger past being introduced, none of it represents complications. Our protagonists never actually fail at anything including decisively removing objections against them. They just sort of drift through some mildly unpleasant scenarios that share a common theme. It is as if the universe has no teeth. While not full-fledged "mary sues," it is this lack of conflict which is the core issue with mary sue characters and renders the resulting pile of words lacking in tension. In this story, our protagonists are mary sues. Because the story around them never challenges our belief that they'll win out in the end.

Related to the above is a sense of repetitiveness. None of the individual antagonistic elements linger or withstand more than a conversation to overcome, but we go through what feels like the same "conflict" half a dozen times. By the time Shining Armor and Cadance show up, I simply couldn't bring myself to care, and it felt like the story didn't either. Shining Armor was upset and stormed off because we needed to check him off the list and try to pretend there was conflict, even though we'd already gone through this song and dance several times by now, and the actual calming down and convincing took place off-screen.

—

So, back to more opinion stuff.

More Conflict
I would have liked to see, instead of what we got, some "backsliding" from antagonistic elements. Rather than remain resolved, various players could decide they were not convinced by Twilight's arguments or were convinced by a later argument from other players. Resolved opposition flaring back up would have made for a more reactive and interesting conflict.

Amethyst Star, for example, might have continued to stir up trouble despite her mother's scolding. Facing public embarrassment could have served to fan the flames of her moral outrage. She could have sought allies in Canterlot to escalate her cause. Her seeking allies could have her met up with Blueblood's mom. Her activities might have spread the news to Twilight's parents before Twilight had a chance to break it to them her own way, making that a more uphill battle later on. All sorts of things could have been done with Amethyst Star.

Rarity might have struggled with her loyalty to her friend, but also the fact that Twilight had done something that in her eyes was equivalent to finding out your best friend had enjoyed a night of passion with a child. She'd be hard-pressed to not agree with other unicorns decrying Twilight, even after getting over her initial shock and being "talked down" by Twilight. Other characters in the story using Rarity's closeness to Twilight and Rainbow to inflict pain on them was ripe for exploitation and exploration.

Similar to that, I was mildly interested in Blueblood's mom's antagonism. The mention of a trial and so on felt like it could have been a complicated ordeal to get through, with the opposition spending time rallying their side and having their own conversations and convincing ponies to their side that were otherwise neutral or allied. Celestia (and Luna) being dismissive of the resolve of the nobility/social status quo sounded like a great setup for the antagonists to do exactly that, surprise our protagonists and put them on their heels.

Rape
As much as the story limply tries to treat the futa/pregnancy spell as a taboo, it feels like the entire universe, largely due to the author's lack of thought on the matter, completely ignored the fact that Rainbow Dash raped Twilight. It was supremely offputting to watch as Rainbow Dash violated her friend just to sate her own lust.

The fact that Twilight was OK with it after the fact doesn't diminish the fact that Rainbow Dash, in this story, is apparently a predator, and not one objection to this behavior was raised by their group of friends upon hearing it. To be clear, Twilight Sparkle was so inebriated she could barely walk home. Rainbow Dash was aware of this enough to escort her home, and used that as a pretense to avoid being caught taking advantage of Twilight's intoxication. She was consciously aware that others might think that of her, and then went and did exactly what she worried they'd suspect her of.

As for her friends' acceptance of what she did to Twilight, one could argue that maybe the idea of rape is so foreign to these ponies that they didn't think about what Dash did in that light. Except that, before finding out Dash was the father of Twi's baby, one of the worries they brought up was that she was raped by some stallion, as a go-to answer to "well, Twi doesn't have a boyfriend, how did she get pregnant?"

It's hard to ignore that this same Rainbow Dash stands in front of Twi's parents, Shining Armor, and Celestia and has their acceptance. Everyone is more concerned about this futa spell and entirely glosses over the fact that Twilight was so intoxicated that she cast a spell she herself thought to be taboo and had sex with while so impaired. That is chalked up as "well, you're an adult and we don't really care about that too much." Twi's father can look Rainbow Dash in the eye after learning how this all came about, and give his consent to this rapist claiming his daughter's hoof in marriage.

I guess it is good that happened off-screen because I'm pretty sure I'd vomit in my mouth a little reading it live.

Rainbow Dad
My last objection to the story is perhaps unwarranted. I'm aware of the timeframe this story was written in, and the "level of canon knowledge" that existed during its creation. We didn't know who Dash's parents are in canon until fairly recently, and I'm not treating it as a fault that this story presents a different parental situation for her than canon has. I'd also like to note that this story is hardly unique for presenting Dash as being estranged from her parents. It seems like a lot of people had the idea that she either didn't get along with them, or they were embarrassing to her. Canon sort of went with the latter, though in a different way than most stories did. This story went more with the former.

My objection is that, much like the predominant "Twi's taboo pregnancy" plot, the "Dash's conflict with her father" plot was weak. While it made for a few decent scenes, it felt mostly isolated from the rest of the story. It felt more like an event that needed to be checked off a list like the Cadance and Shining Armor scene, and less like it mattered to the story. Which is all the more troubling for the fact that it was a lot more interesting and entertaining than most of the "main plot" chapters/scenes.

Much like the "conflict" with Celestia, Dash's issue with her father came across more as "we're worrying about this thing. Look at us worrying about this thing. Oh look, it is finally happening and now it is over. We were worried about nothing." Then we never see from him again or get to examine any of their rocky road to patching things up. At least with Celestia, the fact that she supported Twi later in the story tied that interaction back into the story and gave it a use.

I suppose it prompted Dash to be especially horny and gave us another sex scene. Not that we needed, nor did I really appreciate, a reminder that this Dash is kinda rapey. No means yes, and yes means anal?

One could also argue that it pushed the couple closer together, and played a part in Dash wanting to propose to Twi. But with how on-rails this story was up to that point, both of those things seemed pretty inevitable anyway. We never were given any doubt the two would stick together, even when they had arguments. Simply overcoming any of the obstacles placed before the couple together could also have served to bring them closer together. So the paternal conflict came across as contrived, and for no good reason.

—

As I said up front, the story was a major chore to read through. The flippant rape up front was a giant hurdle to overcome and nearly had me nope out of the story right then and there. Had I known more about the rest of the story, the decision to stop reading would have been much easier. While there were a few scenes that were touching taken on their own, the story they were in wasn't worth enduring to experience them. "Touching proposal scene" and "touching childbirth scene" are not so rare and precious literary experiences that I'd suggest anyone endure this story to see this rendition of them.

It is all the more frustrating because this story could be salvaged, but it would take a great deal of work to do so.

An Uninvited Rainbow, by Manaphy

6256201
I realize this story is several years old now, and most of the other comments and the like to be found here are similarly old. I decided on a whim to read some of the oldest stories on my Read Later list, and this was among them.

I wanted to point out that this comment is the only one that isn't fucking retarded but was way too timid and apologetic for pointing out the obvious.

Holy shit this "story" is bad.

This isn't a story. This was someone thinking, "hey. What if Spitfire and Rainbow Dash had a nice conversation without the yelling and Drill Sergeant Routine and/or the massive egos?"

That's fine. Now, where does it take place? "Random classroom in Cloudsdale. Oh, and the Wonderbolts disbanded."

OK. That thing right there? That would be a story. Do we get anything even remotely like a satisfying explanation about that here? No.

Let's make a stupid analogy just to help illustrate how retarded this is. Let's imagine you walk into a room. Inside the room are a pencil and a blank piece of paper. They're resting not on a table, but the back of a T-Rex. You calmly and nonchalantly walk into the room, write down the ideas you had for the grocery list you'll be using later this week, then leave the room and go about the rest of your day.

Why is there a T-rex? Why is it alive? Why is it in your house serving as a writing table? Why do you have an entire room dedicated to the task of holding your grocery list and a T-rex?

Stories are about interesting things. They explore that interesting thing. Your story should be the most interesting thing within it. A conversation between the two elite fliers is in and of itself potentially a story, but even then you're looking at a fairly low-stakes, slice of life thing and if we ignore the motherfuckin' T-rex, what we got here was a few moments of introspection from Spitfire, an awkward/unexpected visit at her place of work by Rainbow Dash, then a brief conversation that somehow lasted from the end of class until sundown and can be summed up as "Hey, Spitfire, you're more awesome than you think. Cheer up."

As Chocolate Fan above pointed out, you presented something that flat out does not make sense. The Wonderbolts are an organization that grew from Equestria's military, the EUP. They were formed shortly after Luna's banishment, and have been in operation in some form or another for nearly a thousand years, and their members and leaders are all famous historical figures.

As he said, this isn't like some garage band deciding to split up after failing to make it big and top the charts. This is a lot more like a professional sportsball team just decided to split up because the quarterback decided she didn't feel like throwing a pigskin around anymore. The owner/manager of the team still owns it, even if all the players leave. They can still hire a new coach, recruit new players, and so on. Plus, there are likely contracts involved which prevent the team from simply splitting up.

This isn't just an idea that you failed to think through, this is a demonstration that you are living in some mysterious world where things don't make any kind of sense at all. Like you were raised by wolves or Mormons or something and cut off from everything. This is how Tarzan would think of the Wonderbolts. This is a depiction of an organization as imagined by someone who fundamentally doesn't understand how organizations work.

If you want to write about the Wonderbolts disbanding, you have a fuckload of work cut out for you. You'd have to actually explain, in story form, what monumental string of events took place to dissolve one of the core pillars of Equestrian society.

This isn't a case of someone merely being finicky. This is a fascinating case of someone so utterly unaware of things, but attempting to describe them in story form. Just how bad this is is itself entertaining and mind-boggling.

What's more, is that this somehow has 100 upvotes, meaning 100 different people decided, "yup. This is fine." Nine different people went above and beyond that and said they liked the story, that it was good/great/etc., and/or expressed unconditional enthusiasm for this pile of words.

Lily Lace said it best: "I literally cannot even."

So, as we're already in this far, let's go further down this rabbit hole. Set aside the T-rex. Let's ignore the mind-twistingly attention-drawing what-the-fuckery in the room. We can pretend that we somehow made our sanity checks while staring at a shoggoth in broad daylight. How about we look at the actual conversation that has been described by others as "heartfelt," among other things. Bookish Delight would spontaneously combust, die, fall into your great grandmother's grave, turn in it, then climb out and seek brains in the night while wearing a cape at how atrocious it is to call this "heartfelt."

This was some of the most contrived, shallow, and forced dialogue I've seen in a long time. I realize Spitfire isn't a main character, hasn't had a whole lot of screentime all things considered, and it is valid to interpret her character pretty broadly. But if you're going to just toss what little there is from the show into the bin and toss some generic, wishy-washy nobody into the story, why bother using Spitfire's name?

Thought experiment time. Imagine this same classroom in Cloudsdale. Because Rainbow Dash is still pretty young, how about we imagine she revisits her old high school and finds that one of her teachers is still teaching there and hasn't retired yet. So she pops in after class and has a conversation. Imagine what Rainbow Dash might talk about! How she joined the Wonderbolts Reserve and is achieving the dream she always bragged about as a filly. Rainbow Dash is also sometimes insecure and might seek out some confidence from this fondly-remembered teacher.

The said teacher could be feeling the years and considering retirement. Rainbow Dash might, still on the high of her own progress and success, be opposed to the idea of something she grew up fond of ending. She'd argue against the retirement, and you could explore a theme of youth vs age, of a pony in her prime and reaching her dreams contrasted against someone who, proud of one of their students doing the above, feels he/she has achieved one of his/her own goals too: to guide students towards their dreams.

Something like that could be pretty heartfelt. It doesn't even need Spitfire or any of the trappings of this steaming shitpile. It would have an actual, y'know, point and explore Rainbow Dash's character a little deeper than mere surface traits.

In two paragraphs using an OC that I didn't even put a name or gender to, I've already explained a "story" that takes everything this one tried to do, let it make sense, and built off of reasonable pieces of the setting working in a believable way. Dash went to school as a kid because all kids do, right? She had teachers at her school because that's how schools work, right? A teacher is proud of their students going on to graduate and succeed in life because that's kind of their jobs, right?

Two paragraphs of stuff off the top of my head and it's already ten times the story that was published. That's how shallow and bad this is. This was not "good" or "great" or any other such positive reaction. You should be embarrassed this exists, and use it as a learning experience on how to improve as a writer. I'd suggest one important step is to actually go out into the world and learn how it works. Maybe read up on how things like crosswalks and traffic lights work because those can be confusing to someone raised in the jungle, and not correctly understanding their workings might result in a lot of injuries.

Hell. Want to instead write stories to entertain people? Tell us your biography. Explain to us how you managed to get from the jungle to a working and internet-connected computer in order for us to even be having this conversation. Far more fascinating a topic than the symptom of that we see here.

Anon-a-Missed, by HCLegend

According to your author's note, you worry this will be received as a fixfic in spite of not wanting it to be. Well, you failed, because this is a fixfic still.

Not only that, this was a rather lazy one. If someone hasn't read the source comic, then they have no idea what is going on in your story. You do literally nothing to explain to anyone what has happened. In that regard, this is almost like a sequel to the comic... except the comic and this story overlap on material and go in different ways. You resolve the plot in a different way than the comic did, and in doing so, you are attempting to "fix" what the comic did wrong with your "better" plot resolution.

Fixfics are bad because they do exactly what you have attempted to do. Instead of writing your own cohesive story, you're slapping a band-aid on an already existing story, the comic. Saying "I'm just putting my own spin on it" doesn't change that.

In addition to a complete lack of setup, thus forcing readers to have already read the comic to have any idea of what is going on, you force them to go through a story for which they already know the outcome: Sunset is found innocent, her friends forgive her, and the CMC get some reasonable grounding/discipline from their parents/guardians. The whole mess is eventually forgotten by the student body of CHS that were also harmed, and everyone moves on.

Your story still has a lot of the issues of the comic: we have to assume the exact same setup and timing problems the comic has with not adhering to canon. We have to accept the piss-poor characterization of the CMC to go about doing this. You have to push the "friends left me, and I'm sad" bit for Sunset (but at least you didn't rush at the opportunity to depict her as suicidal like many retard edgelords have, so thank you for that at least). Most of what makes the comic bad make your story bad too.

How useful was your "fix?" Well, it involved way less actual interaction between Sunset and other characters. It had her going it alone. Other than one online interaction with the CMC and a brief bit of dialogue with Celestia, this story is entirely in Sunset's head. Speaking of Celestia, you should remove her tag from your story card. She isn't a main character in your story. Imagine if you wanted to search up stories using her tag and you found this story. Would you feel the search result was valid? Would you feel satisfied that you'd found a story enough about Celestia to satisfy whatever it was you searched her tag hoping to find? No.

What about the CMC? The comic has them jealous of their older sisters spending time with Sunset Shimmer and ignoring them. You skip by the setup of the comic and remove the scene with them revealing their motivations. So, in your story, we have even less of an idea of why and have to just assume the comic's reasoning is their motivation for your story. As for your resolution, instead of the CMC seeing the damage they did and confessing on their own, they have even less agency in your story. Thus rendering them even less relatable and much more faceless and hollow than even the comic makes them out to be. You also remove one of the few "warm" bits the comic at least tried to portray: that family forgives, and that Sunset is family to the other M5. Your "fix" loses a few of the bits the comic had going for it that approach "good."

So what about the parts you did insert? So, Sunset did some "hacking" back in the days pre-EqG1. Sure. We know she managed to send some texts to some of the girls as if from each other, as well as collect dirt and blackmail material to hold over people. This story has her revisit those old tools and find a more useful reason to use them. That, in and of itself, could have been an interesting piece of character and moral to explore. It just feels like it was incredibly poorly executed here. Why not come up with your own plot, properly set up your situation, and have Sunset turn to this toolbox to solve that problem?

Was this at least an interesting look at her being familiar with (if hesitant to use) these tools, and a chance to showcase some hack-ey nerdporn for people into that sort of thing?

No. The story was about as lazy and shallow with it as my explanation of whether it was good or not and why. If you're into that sort of thing, read the story and see for yourself. At least we didn't have any images zoomed in, then "enhanced" repeatedly.

Part of your stated goal was to be more light-hearted/funny with this story, despite imagining (as nearly every other Anon-a-Miss fixfic author does) much darker portrayals of the story from the comics. The angel/devil conscience scene was stale and uninspired. There were a few jokes sprinkled in here or there that were about as funny as, "why did the chicken cross the road?"

If we want to see the "Anon-a-Miss" story done well, watch Forgotten Friendship. It gives us a much better portrayal of the one thing that appears to really draw most fans of the comic: Sunset's friends abandoning her while she seeks to figure out why and regain their friendship. Instead of relying on the shitty story told by the comics though, it tells it's own new story, with its own new setup, with its own new plot and resolution. It gives Sunset Shimmer much more personal agency than the comic does, and it doesn't throw any character under the bus "bending" them to fit the story. It also uses the setting much better, because a major theme of EqG is that Equestrian Magic matters a whole lot.

If you wanted to showcase this part of Sunset Shimmer's skillset, you should have just written your own story that would let the skillset shine. Even if we set aside the comic entirely, your story is a poor one which just plops us into a bad situation, Sunset has an idea of how to fix it using "hacking" and her idea works. The end.

Don't even get me started on how telly this piece is. I was constantly bombarded with the story attempting to explain to me how everyone felt, be it Sunset Shimmer (who is our POV character, and we can just figure that out for ourselves if you narrate her well enough) to others that aren't even present in her observation. The story drifts between third-person-limited and third-person-omniscient like a drunken hobo trying to a jig on a tilt-o-whirl.

In conclusion, this was an utter waste of time to read, for many of the exact same reasons fixfics are terrible. A few "jokes" tossed in like the bland-name noodles and Celestia as a murderous swan didn't do enough to carry this story into enjoyable. Instead, it seems like whatever funny-value those could have had was wasted by using them in this story. Now if you were to write a better, funnier story including them, you'd be retelling a joke. You hacked off what little was enjoyable about the comic, and didn't replace it with anything interesting.

I don't think this story did anything right, and the few bits which approach "right" are worsened for being in this story instead of an original one.

The NEW Ticket Master, by Jay David

I don't usually read Jay David's works, but when I do I'm always disappointed. Today is no exception.

Because taking Twilight's concern about her relationships with her new friends and pushing the responsibility of what she feels is an important choice onto a child is a reasonable one.

"Hey, small child/little brother person that I basically raised and order around to do chores and stuff, I don't want to make a mistake in picking one out of my five friends to go to a party with me. They all really want to go. So I'm going to escape the consequences of this decision and make you pick for me. That way four of them can be mad at you instead of me."

We all also know that, especially season one Spike, he would pick Rarity and hope her gratitude would earn him some nice guy points. So not only is this an awful fix fic, it's way out of character, and basically a thinly veiled attempt to write Spike as some kind of font of wisdom.

I encourage anyone who reads comments before reading the story to help them decide if this is worth their time or not will steer clear.

Found a review written in 2014 that hadn't been archived here yet. This isn't a new one.

A Wonderful Get-Together, An Unexpected Get-Another, by Karach

So, that was a thing.

Chapter 1 was actually entertaining. You got a genuine groan out of me with the pun, and I applaud the execution. It was terrible in the way puns are supposed to be terrible and it fit the cast incredibly well.

It felt like you caught the rapport between Rarity and Coco pretty well too.

Chapter 2 things got...awkward. Fluttershy kind of does that. I did catch the slight foreshadowing and guessed that Flutterbutters was disappointed at having a relative stranger intruding on her sexytimes. The two glaring back and forth at each other extended that impression.

Things went back to being interesting slice of life while discussing the impact of Shy's modeling career on Coco.

Then I swear someone scratched a record somewhere nearby. I'm sure I didn't just imagine it.

Take note, kids. Vaginas work like this. Take a girl with established anxiety issues, bring up a somewhat traumatic event in her recent past involving public humiliation. Then out of nowhere give her crotch a friendly rub. Instant turn on. It is kind of like picking up a cat by the scruff of its neck, only sexier.

So the sex was there. I have a preference for relatively tame stuff, and this story more or less delivered. Technically. I'm thankful it didn't have random magic dicks, fetish stuff, and so on. There was some believability issues with Fluttershy actually consenting to this, but she did become fairly eager a participant, so it did not feel overtly rapey. Some people might want to steer clear though. There was some wingplay too, which is OK.

Maybe it was due to the abruptness and the trouble I had suspending disbelief, but the sex scene was a little on the mechanical side. It felt like a puppet show. Some parts, like Coco's overeagerness and Rarity's coaching helped, but not enough to feel connected emotionally.

The ending was...odd. Flipping that switch certainly helped a ton, because for no apparent reason Shy is willing to be openly affectionate to Coco and publicly kiss her. It sort of feels like the idiot-logic I see often in porn/clop where losing her virginity causes a girl to fall madly in love with the one who deflowered her regardless of circumstance. Except that Fluttershy isn't new to sex; she and Rarity have been going at it for years now. Coco was not described during the sex to have been especially good at it, and again she and Rarity have been at it for years so merely being good shouldn't create that instant powerful bond anyway.

Conclusion:

It is a fairly mindless clopfic. Talking happens, sex happens, everyone is happy in the end. While I can't say the characterization is very strong, it isn't bad. The theme and feel of the story fit the fashion world that is relevant to these three ponies. The big problem is that the sex is entirely gratuitous, and the parts that are done well are likely to be skipped over by the target audience the way the author suggests in the first comment.

I'd kind of like to see someone extract the good bits from this collection of words, fix it up, and tell a cute romance. The start of a poly relationship is there, with some potential conflict already hinted at. The sex could even be left in, if it were fixed up and treated more maturely.

I'm leaving it with a down vote for now. It earned that much with all of its flaws. If it gets fixed up though, I'd be more than happy to flip that. Please don't rub my vagina to cause the flip.

Author response:

Why, thank you for such a detailed review. I would never expect one for a clop.
Your downvote is definitely fair, let's leave it at that (honestly, those 26 thumb-ups are much more surprising... ). While I certainly learned something from your coment (I hope it will help in my future "stories"--big quotes there ), this story will not get fixed or revised further. Clop just isn't worth it, in my humble opinion.

Forever, by Winston.

It's been awhile since I've done one of these. After the author brought their story to my attention I decided I'd go ahead and read it in order to review it for them.

The central conflict of the story is Starlight's lingering regret in failing to anticipate Cozy Glow's villainy and guide her down a better part path. This takes place years after the show, so she's been holding onto this regret for some time. By the end of the short piece, nothing is resolved. Instead, this ends with Starlight once again walking away from the statue and going on with her life.

While it won't take up much of your time, this is honestly a waste of time to read. Like many short fics down near the minimum upload limit, this isn't a story. It is a scene in a story the author chose not to tell.

We get some hints of that story. Rarity shows up and talks with Starlight. It's obvious that this is familiar territory between them. Learning about the clinical condition Cozy Glow had is discussed as a past accomplishment. The two then fumble about the difference in knowledge they had back before learning that diagnosis.

Yet, in conflict with that larger and untold story, Rarity brings up some empty but well-meant cliches. She mentions Sunset Shimmer as a failure Celestia made. We're to believe these have never been brought up before over the years? They're new as of this conversation? The fact that Twilight, Celestia, and Luna trusted them is treated as new.

When you imagine this larger story, you begin to see the holes. Starlight has been headmare of the school for years. She's had Trixie as her counselor for years. They haven't managed a bigger mistake? Do you even know Trixie?

I get that the notion of Cozy's sentence doesn't sit well with us in the audience. But the story takes the stance that it's an outcome that's mostly fine. Some future date will see Twilight releasing her and having a chat. Maybe she already does this behind closed doors without Starlight or Rarity knowing. Given enough time, Twilight will fix this and give Cozy Glow a good life.

Rather than fully accept this and move on fully, Starlight clings to this sense of personal responsibility in the matter. Nothing else more directly her fault has risen up over the years. Sure, Cozy was bad but her situation is resolved reasonably well. Nothing else has come up that lacks this resolution? Nothing that more rightfully weighs on her conscience?

I find that hard to believe.

A worthwhile story would bring us to some kind of conclusion. Maybe now with a degree under her belt, Starlight wants to be involved in Cozy's therapy. Walking through that process with setbacks and progress would be an interesting read.

Maybe a disagreement between Twilight and Starlight on the feasibility of having that therapy begin now instead of after Starlight's lifespan.

Lots of things could form a solid backbone to this larger story. Instead, we're left with this. The much easier, shorter effort to hint at a story instead of telling it.

Overall, I wouldn't recommend this to anyone. It's fine as a practice piece to work on those writing muscles, but it does little to entertain and little to explore its own ideas. Explaining why it's weak takes more effort than it took to write the story. That's not a clever writing trick, it's a dishonest one.

Author response:

Thanks for your reviews.

It's fine as a practice piece to work on those writing muscles, but it does little to entertain and little to explore its own ideas.

I have to agree that it's primarily a practice piece, really. That tends to be about the extent of what it's viable to do with a 1250-word writeoff entry. Sorry to have disappointed.