- Member Since 3rd Mar, 2015
- offline last seen 19 minutes ago
XenoPony
Hi, name's XenoPony. I'm an avid pony writer and fan fiction author with a wide range of stories.
XenoPony
Joined 3rd Mar, 2015 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Comeonideodic · 4.9k words · 45 4 · 1.5k views
- Twilight-the-Pony · 12k words · 108 10 · 4.1k views
- grey mane · 1.6k words · 58 13 · 2k views
- RainbowDash1990 · 1.2k words · 82 4 · 2.9k views
- Squiggly Cup · 2.2k words · 1k views
- Squiggly Cup · 11k words · 54 0 · 3k views
- Toasterwafflekun · 5.7k words · 88 5 · 3.2k views
- Comeonideodic · 4.7k words · 31 9 · 1.1k views
Featured In79
Shipping 💖11,669 stories ·9,737 members
Clopfics11,545 stories ·15,811 members
The Fillyfoolers3,945 stories ·3,489 members
The Writers' Group56,384 stories ·9,291 members
Rainbow Dash7,252 stories ·4,141 members
One-Shots18,905 stories ·2,369 members
TwiDash1,188 stories ·4,228 members
Alicorn Twilight2,143 stories ·2,854 members
Stats
Page generated in 0.116 seconds
Total duration
997 users online
1,416,942 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
TwiDash for the win!
Nice clopfic though.
Yo, that there's Ambris art.
ID #1301321.
~Skeeter The Lurker
And hey, this is damn good, too.
~Skeeter The Lurker
8104258 Thanks, I'm glad you think so!
8104161Thanks!
And, long live TwiDash!
Good story
You can choke a changeling with the amount of love in this story.
Will you continue on that little tease at the end?
And now we arrive at part three.
Noticing a pattern. This story is about twice as long as the prequel. That said, this one wasn't strictly better for the extra wordcount. One glaring error that kept popping up was "repetition." You'd use a word like "surprise" in one paragraph, then use it immediately again in the next paragraph. While that in and of itself can be distracting, what is really going on is that you're wastefully padding the story. It isn't just that you use the same word, you're telling us, the audience, that Twilight is being surprised. Then you're telling us again in the next paragraph. The fact that you literally repeat the word draws attention to this problem.
There are lots of other places where you do this. Both a literal repeat of a keyword that draws attention to the problem, as well as feeding us the same information again. There are also several points where, even without the repeated keyword to draw attention to it, you still manage to re-feed the information twice.
Often, this comes with a POV shift. You'll tell us some piece of information from Twilight's perspective, then tell us the same thing again from Rainbow's. This is a big part of why POV shifts are bad writing. Rather than give is new information, you're just dragging things on telling us the same thing over and over again. Seeing it from another angle isn't as interesting as moving on to new information.
In addition to being repetitive, the story was also frequently very jerky. The other problem with random POV shifts is that they pull us out of immersion. Just as we start to get comfortable with Twilight's POV, her more or less telling us about how things are and how she feels about them, we switch to Rainbow Dash. Then back to Twilight. And so on. Midway through the story, we're left sort of wary because we need to spend so much of our mental processing effort keeping aware of who is "speaking" that we can't really just focus full-on into the events in front of us. You really shouldn't switch POV's like this within a scene, and should save that sort of thing for different scenes/chapters.
The other issue is that once again, this is a scene within a story. You spend a fair amount of time referencing another scene that happened before this one: the gala. In which Dash proposes to Twilight in front of everyone, and Twilight is dealing with the embarrassment of her scent causing reactions among the guests. As advised before, you could have just written this scene out. Let us read about that event as it is happening, instead of telling us about it. Then this scene becomes cleaner as we focus more on what is happening now, instead of bringing the reader up to speed.
You had a lot of interesting details. Twilight's plans to propose to Rainbow, and carrying around a magically hidden necklace using her mother's ring as a pendant is neat. I would have loved to read the bigger story that suggests, in which we go into the Gala at the start, and Twi thinks about it (even though she can't feel it), and wondering if an opportunity will present itself at the party. We could then read about her estrus starting to kick in, and the moment she realizes that it is happening, and how that won't let her have an opportunity. Maybe even a glimpse of some of the stallions reacting to her and "dropping out of their sheaths" much to their own embarrassment and or prompting scoldings from their wives, and dirty looks Twilight's way.
Reading about Rainbow's proposal as it is happening, instead of getting the basic rundown afterwards from Twilight, would have been an interesting scene in and of itself. Full stop. By tacking this idea onto what is intended to just be a "mindless clopfic" you've killed off the existence of what could have been a good part of a nice story.
That all said, I do appreciate that while you did go with a rather tired trope of estrus, you managed to not fall into most of the pitfalls that make it tiresome. Twilight remained Twilight even as she was feeling the effects of it. She did not become a mindless fuckpuppet begging for cock. Even if she had the desire for that, and did some begging, she maintained dignity like a rational, thinking person would, and only allowed herself to indulge in her body's wants because it was Rainbow.
I also appreciate the depiction that she didn't turn into an automated orgasm machine due to her estrus. There is a big difference between sensitivity and arousal. She is over-sensitive and needy, and that actually makes it more difficult to orgasm compared to normal. Things work differently. The usual "hot spots" and "techniques" don't produce the same results. A good part of the story is that it conveyed that underneath the attempts to be porny.
So, once again, you managed to convey reasonably good characters. They remain consistent with the prior two stories, and their relationship feels like it is the same one. You have also continued a theme where Twilight endures something embarrassing, and Rainbow Dash rescues her from it. This time there is a bit more embarrassment for Rainbow as well, even if her "I can't lose" felt a little forced-meme-ey.
The sense of continuity and the "missing scenes" that should exist as presented in these three stories all suggest one larger story that, due to its absence, makes all three worse. They really should be all one story. There should be more scenes/chapters telling this ongoing tale. You could, for example, organize the chapters into "eras" of the relationship, such as the first chapter being in and around the 6-month mark, the second being around the 1.5-year mark, and another chapter for the 2-2.5-year mark. Within each chapter, you'd have not only the three current stories-as-scenes, you'd write in the additional, missing scenes that help flesh out that "era."
Doing all of this would make for a much more satisfying story. Instead of getting these orphaned bits and pieces.