“Rule 1: Do not act incautiously when confronting little bald wrinkly smiling men!” –Lu-Tze

Vetinari watched his guards through the window.

“Drumknott?” he spoke softly.

“I apologize for acting with undue haste, my lord.”

“That was most unlike you, Drumknott.”

Vimes watched from next to Vetinari. “Where did you find these buggers? The fool’s guild?” he snorted, then added “Even Inspector Pessimal could take half of them!”[1]

Vetinari sighed and looked at Vimes. “Commander, we have spoken of this before. The majority of the city guilds will not allow your watch to act as the palace guard. They think it would make it too easy for you to seize power.”

Vimes snorted. “I’ve seen what you go through. If someone tried to give me the job I’d…” He winced as a dull crack found its way through the shut windows, despite several inches of glass. A groan, likewise muffled, echoed in from outside.

“Drumknott, we were planning on asking Mr. Tze to come and speak with us. It would have been fine to have gone yourself to ask for his help.” Vetinari looked through the window. “Telling the palace guard to “Fetch him,” was undoubtedly the quickest way to get his attention, but is unlikely to endear him to our needs.”

Drumknott stared out the window. “He’s just one old man. How is he- they’re in armor!” he muttered as he watched.

“Lu-Tze is possibly the oldest living member of the time monks.” Vetinari said. “He is old enough to understand how the world works, smart enough to know how to change it, and wise enough to leave it well enough alone. He is also a master of Deja-Fu[2], possibly the only human practitioner[3] in existence. I doubt any of the current guards, or watchmen, could stop him.”

“I bet Detritus could take him.” Vimes said. A muffled thud sounded through the window, and Vimes popped the latch and looked down the wall. “Pothead! What’re you laying around for! Call your mates off right now!”

The unfortunate guard, lying in a heap at the bottom of the wall, glanced up to see a scruffy looking man glaring down at him. He woozily replied “And who’d you be? Bloody Sam Vimes?”

Vetinari leaned out the window, eyebrow cocked. The sergeant, already frazzled, nearly toppled over backwards. “While I am pleased to see that my guards still have acute observational skills, please acknowledge his grace’s command.” He looked down at the scattered soldiers, and the old man who had thrashed all of them with nothing but a broom. “Mr. Lu-Tze, I presume?”

The old man looked like a stereotypical time monk (to those who knew what time monks were.) His orange robe was old enough to be white if you squinted wrong, he was short, and had no hair whatsoever. His broad grin widened as he looked up at Vimes.

“Hello, Mister Vimes! How’re you doing?” he yelled at the window.

“Doing fine, you bastard.” Vimes responded. “We need to talk to you. Could you…”

Lu-Tze shook his head. “I make a point of not acknowledging people who try to have me arrested. It’s a violation of rule one, after all, and I don’t like it when people ignore rule one.”

Vimes massaged his head, and was about to speak up when a distinct clopping sound came from the next window over. He leaned out the window to see Sybil trying to hold one hand over Celestia’s eyes, while the little pony giggled and clopped her front hooves, looking over the unconscious, concussed, and staggering palace guardsmen. Lu-Tze looked up, and his eyes went wide with shock.

“What- who are you, little one?” he spoke.

Vimes shook his head. “You might not like Lord Vetinari, but would you come inside to take a look over her?” he said, motioning to Celestia. “She showed up in the throne room, and I’m guessing she’s the reason you’re here.”

“So.” Lu-Tze looked up over his cup of tea. “You’re the one who has all of the monks in a tizzy, hmm?”

Celestia looked back at him, blinked twice, and sneezed.

Vetinari raised an eyebrow. “The Time Monks? Why would they have anything to say about her?”

Lu-Tze looked at Vetinari, frowning. “I don’t care about you, Havelock. I know your fate- or did, anyway.” He looked back at Celestia. “The monks I mentioned knew all the players, everything that can happen on Discworld. But now, things are changing; for no reason at all, as far as they can tell.” He snorted. “Only one reason I can see- she’s not from the Disc. Never born on the turtle. We can’t see what she does; only the echoes.”

Vimes frowned. “I thought you couldn’t see everything- you didn’t know exactly what I could’ve gotten up to during that bloody revolution[4].”

Lu-Tze shook his head. “We see everything, or rather, all possible things. We didn’t know which possibilities you’d fulfill, but we knew they existed. She’s impossible, so anything she generates is likewise impossible- so we don’t even know it could happen, much less what will.”

Vetinari had been strangely silent. He spoke slowly. “So, since you can’t see what she might do, and you can’t see where she is, you’ll need to see what she’s doing with your own eyes.”

Lu-Tze blinked. Then he blinked again, and shook his head. “No monk can, and I won’t. Time’s stable around her- she might be a blind spot, but she’s keeping time from breaking. Maybe it flows different where she comes from. Who knows? But!” He glared at Vetinari. “I can tell you’re trying to get me involved. Easy lead to having me- or someone- here. So, boy- what do you want?”

Vetinari seemed startled for a moment, then collected his thoughts. “I want Susan Sto-Heit to be my daughter’s governess.”

Lu-Tze laughed. “Hah! Trying to get her involved in magical mess like this? Not likely, Havelock! Not-“ Then he froze. He looked at Vetinari again. “Your daughter?”

“Yes. Celestia needs a caretaker who understands rulers and what skills they need. There are no others I’d trust with the child then myself- save for the fact I have no idea how to handle children.” He frowned at the now snoozing Celestia.

Lu-Tze looked sharply at Vetinari, then abruptly stood up. “There’s no future where you were a father, Vetinari. None. Or there wasn’t.” He turned to look at Celestia. “If you’re changed that much by her presence- maybe the God of Time should have eyes on you after all. I’ll contact Lobstang- it’ll be up to you to convince his wife.”

He turned to look at Drumknott. “You- where’re the guest rooms in this place?”

Drumknott looked at Vetinari “My lord?...”

Vetinari glared at Lu-Tze. “And what makes you think you can have a room here?”

Lu-Tze grinned. “You want me to call Lobstang up? Fine. But I want to be here to see you try to bargain with Ms. Susan.” His grin widened. “Match of the century I didn’t think I’d ever see- Havelock Vetinari, trying to bargain with the granddaughter of Death!”